A life dominated by fear has now been swallowed by anger

Newtype

Well-known member
I'm 24 years old, I've had SA for half of my life. I used to not know why I had SA, until I started analyzing my dreams. Ever since I was a kid, I've always had these crazy dreams and all those dreams had one thing in common, fear. It made me wonder why I always had nightmares filled with fear. Then, I finally realized that my life was dominated by fear. Fear had been present in my skin for so long that it wasn't until I was 24 that I realized that it was there.

And then the light came and I saw clearly. Every problem I've ever had, every regret, it was because of fear. Fear of talking to people, fear of rejection, fear of talking on the phone, fear of driving, fear of school, etc. I even realized that my procrastination at skool was due to my fear of not being able to understand something. When I realized that fear, I started fighting back.

Every day I destroy my SA more and more like it's a joke. I started having good grades in university again because I refuse to let the fear get in my way. I keep my head up all the time, I look at people in the eyes, in fact, they're the ones who are too scared to look at me. I talk to guys like I've been their bro for twenty years. I don't get intimidated by anyone anymore. Every day I take the train and subway to go to skool, I come across hundreds of people. Men, women, students, gorgeous girls, I feel equal to all of them.

Two days ago, the teacher said that we had to find a partner for an upcoming project. I didn't know anyone in my class and it made me nervous, the fear took over. I noticed the girl across me, she's cute and she has wedding ring around her finger, for some reason it made me think that she's mature. I wanted to ask her to be my partner. Class ends, I see her sitting at a table all by herself, I wanna ask her but I choke and miss my chance. I got really angry at myself. I didn't want the fear to win. I took a deep breath, turned around, went straight for her and asked her. She smiled and accepted. And just like that, I talked to a girl for the first time in six years. The fear has lost again and it will keep on losing.

One day, my SA will be gone and I may not even realize it. But as this day approaches, I realize that everything that I had imagined about an SA-free life, everything that I thought it felt like, is all wrong. For some reason, all I feel is anger now. I can't even feel love. When I notice a girl looking at me, instead of feeling happy, I feel angry and I don't know why! There is no satisfaction, no boost in self-esteem, just a series of bittersweet victories. My life remains ruined. I lost all my friends, even my childhood friend. A few months ago she had a baby, I didn't even know that she was pregnant and she had plenty of chances to tell me! The fear destroyed my life completely. I realize that I have to build a new life from scratch, create new social ties, even form a new identity and let go of the past completely and I just wasn't prepared for that at all. I'm not even sure that I want to do that. I can't cope with it and I think this is where my anger comes from. I feel that whatever I do from now on, no matter what I accomplish, I'll always feel empty inside.
 

coyote

Well-known member
thanks for the update, Newtype

it sounds like you've made alot of progress - good for you!

no one can change until they are ready to change
 

gustavofring

Well-known member
I know what you mean. It's pretty bad if you turn bitter at such a young age. I think it's a side effect of being turned so inwardly for so long.

I guess you have to learn how to apreciate and love yourself first, then it's easier to not be so angry towards the world.
I don't think it's good to completely try and form a new identity though. Acceptance of who you are includes acknowledging your past. Don't be so hard on yourself.
 

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
Lol your post was so positive, it took me by surprise that your conclusion was negative. How could you not be able to cope with it? You can do anything you want. Now that you figured this out, you can choose to forgive yourself, go on trying to be in peace and live your life or you can choose to consume yourself in your anger.
 

Newtype

Well-known member

Yes, the lure of the dark side is stronger than I thought. As I was fighting my SA, I was afraid to win by turning to emotions. Now I can put a stop to it before any damage is caused.

There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
 
I also had many nightmares as a child, often waking up screaming (according to my mother), and still to this day my dreams are pretty crazy & intense, sometimes violent.

The fear destroyed my life completely. I realize that I have to build a new life from scratch, create new social ties, even form a new identity and let go of the past completely and I just wasn't prepared for that at all. I'm not even sure that I want to do that. I can't cope with it and I think this is where my anger comes from. I feel that whatever I do from now on, no matter what I accomplish, I'll always feel empty inside
Fear has been one of my biggest enemies, and i am still struggling with it, more than ever it seems. And yes, i have also had major problems with anger & rage for my entire life.
I'd like to think that i've "let go" of my past in the main, but i think deep-down (subconscious) the past is still very much there & affecting me just like it was yesterday. Just made up a new saying ---> "you can let go of the past, but it might not let go of you". But another "equaliser" saying is "never say never", or another is "there's alway hope".
 
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R3K

Well-known member
you're just in anger-shock. you've spent your whole life with no weapons to fight the anxiety/fear, and now that you discovered how to use anger, it's like having your flyswatter replaced with a flamethrower - you're not used to the power it gives you and the collateral damage it can cause.

you'll get used to it, and you'll learn how to moderate your anger levels and summon it only when you need it and just enough to defeat the fear/anxiety when it arises.

you're still young, i went through the same anger phase (still am sort of) about 5 years ago when i was 27.

everyone experiences the full range of emotions before they die, including the "bad" ones.
 
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