A bit of a mature topic but I need advice...

[Forgotten-Children]

Well... I'll first come out and say, I need to open up a lot in this thread, not beat around the bush, and actually be honest so PLEASE don't judge me for what I do... I'm human. I just need to know what to do because I know this is all natural, but it happens WAY too often.

Anyway... I'm a vigin and my boyfriend lives far south from me in a different state. However... I have late "teenage" hormones. Meaning I didn't actually have any sexual urges until I turned 18. Not to say I wasn't actually maturing sexually. I actually started to mature when I was only 10 years old.

I seem to be able to get in the mood right on the spot and.. to be honest... I can probably masturbate once every day if I had enough energy left before going to bed.

Basiclly I need advice because of the whole "first ever having sex" thing. My boyfriend is worried a lot about doing it with me because I'm VERY obsessive because of my Asperger Syndrome. He doesn't want me to become addicted and then not be able to live up what I want him to be. Although I'm more conserned about him because his body is very weak from his illness so whenever I have these urges, a part of me inside always feels guilty and selfish...

I don't want to do it if it hurts him to much to do so but my body almost CRAVES the feeling.

He says that I shouldn't feel selfish about that, but... How else am I supposed to judge myself because of that? I mean, I love him with all my heart. I don't want him to be in any more pain as it is, but I dunno if there's anything I can do about what my body is telling me.

Please... can anyone give advice?

 

[Forgotten-Children]

Hrrm... I have more info on the whole situation, but more on my boyfriend's part which doesn't help my mood about the situation..

He was molested as a kid by his MALE baby sitter. He's kinda surprised that he isn't gay but he isn't. Not to mention his last girlfriend pretty much abused him until he had sex with her no right now, he has not interest in sex himself anymore. It's mainly only to please me which I really don't want... I want us both to be happy and have a good experience in the whole event.

 

[Kinetik]

Have you been pressuring him at all? Whenever my previous girlfriends hinted they wanted sex while I was going through a phase of non-interest, I would become uncomfortable and avoidant of them. I wouldn't want you to get that same treatment.

In any case, if you both know how the other feels regarding this topic, then I would suggest dropping it completely and let him take the initiative. I know from experience that it will be a big relief for him if you stop talking about it. The way I see it, he knows how you feel and will bring it up if he feels up to it. Beyond that, there's not much you can do. The ball's in his court.

 

[Forgotten-Children]

Have you been pressuring him at all? Whenever my previous girlfriends hinted they wanted sex while I was going through a phase of non-interest, I would become uncomfortable and avoidant of them. I wouldn't want you to get that same treatment.

In any case, if you both know how the other feels regarding this topic, then I would suggest dropping it completely and let him take the initiative. I know from experience that it will be a big relief for him if you stop talking about it. The way I see it, he knows how you feel and will bring it up if he feels up to it. Beyond that, there's not much you can do. The ball's in his court.

No, I don't pressure him. He just knows how I get because I can get horny whenever he mentions the word "boob" (Mainly because mine are very sensitive *sweatdrop*)

Well I don't actually bring it up. He teases me about it without any intention of sex himself. He doesn't mean for it to be mean, he's just being playful.

Well we were talking about it earlier today and he's just worried about geetting me addicted and doesn't want that to happen. He didn't say we wouldn't have it, but he's just concerned about me.

I mean, if we couldn't have sex after that first time, I would NEVER break up with him because of it. I mean, honestly, I don't want to be with anyone else. But I'm just wondering if there's any way for me to basically stop being so horny all the time.

I mean... Is it even normal for a 20 year old to have urges every single day? I mean, sure, once everyday, but still...

 

[forksandspoons]

The sex won't be right for either of you until it is right for both of you.

Your sex drive is your sex drive. Everyone has their own urges and vices. I am also 20 years old, though I am a male. I have a very high sex drive as well. You are perfectly normal for wanting to have a lot of sex. That is our bodies main function after all, is to reproduce.

 

[Forgotten-Children]

The sex won't be right for either of you until it is right for both of you.

Your sex drive is your sex drive. Everyone has their own urges and vices. I am also 20 years old, though I am a male. I have a very high sex drive as well. You are perfectly normal for wanting to have a lot of sex. That is our bodies main function after all, is to reproduce.

That's the thing though, he would only be doing it for me which doesn't seem right, but I don't think he'll ever have interests in actual sex for his own pleasure... I mean I hate all the stuff that he's gone through in his past and me just wanting to feel something that my body says that it wants the most now just feels completely selfish.

Right but still... I feel like there should be some limit that you can have some self control over it. I mean, really sex for me is only going to be for love and pleasure anyway because the two of us have no actual intention of having children anymore. I mean, with me at first I wanted to be a mom but now that I look at it, I don't think I'm responsable enough to be one, and my boyfriend doesn't want our kids to havee to endure the pain of reality including the fact that he's dying...

 

[Danfalc]

It's really hard to give advice on this situation,it's such a unique situation between you guys.

I think the only good answer you will get,will maybe from you guys talking about it openly together a bit more.But if you both do want to start being more sexual,then I think there will be ways to work round the issues your both worried about.Even if it's just you reassuring each other and figuring out if your both ready for it.

Guys can be very sensitive about their performance,I'm not sure if he would take it personally if you told him you were worried about it hurting him because of his illness?But I'm sure there would be certain precautions you could take to avoid that.Maybe start off slow,you don't have to jump into full blown sex straight away to explore your sexual side if that makes sense.

Anyway yeah it's totally normal for you to have urges,I think from your late teens through your twenties is where your hormones really peak,so it's very normal and natural to feel sexual urges even on a daily basis especially when your In a loving relationship.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

I don't think there is a simple answer to what you both are going through. My advice is to seek a sex therapist, and discuss you and your BFs issues and see what conclusion they can come to.

Video about sex therapy (also worthwhile checking out some of the other videos on this channel):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lR9RzLusbKc

 

[Forgotten-Children]

It's really hard to give advice on this situation,it's such a unique situation between you guys.

I think the only good answer you will get,will maybe from you guys talking about it openly together a bit more.But if you both do want to start being more sexual,then I think there will be ways to work round the issues your both worried about.Even if it's just you reassuring each other and figuring out if your both ready for it.

Guys can be very sensitive about their performance,I'm not sure if he would take it personally if you told him you were worried about it hurting him because of his illness?But I'm sure there would be certain precautions you could take to avoid that.Maybe start off slow,you don't have to jump into full blown sex straight away to explore your sexual side if that makes sense.

Anyway yeah it's totally normal for you to have urges,I think from your late teens through your twenties is where your hormones really peak,so it's very normal and natural to feel sexual urges even on a daily basis especially when your In a loving relationship.

I'll try to talk to him more about it but I tried telling him about my feelings about this before and he said to not worry or feel selfish about it, but I don't think his view on sex will ever change because he thinks it's more lust than actual love making. Honestly, I can't blaim him for looking at it that way knowing his past...

He doesn't really take anything personally because he likes it when people are very honest and don't try and humor him with anything. If we were going to do anything, I'd probably have to do most of the "work". But in all seriousness, I just don't want him hurting the next day more than usual only because of me. I'd feel horrible if that happened..

I suppose so. Heh... I dunno if I should laugh or be sad about this, but when I was given the talk about the birds and the bees when I was a kid I was totally afraid about the whole subject of sex and couldn't even say the word. Now I'm perverted... How did this happen? xD

 

[Forgotten-Children]

I don't think there is a simple answer to what you both are going through. My advice is to seek a sex therapist, and discuss you and your BFs issues and see what conclusion they can come to.

Video about sex therapy (also worthwhile checking out some of the other videos on this channel):
YouTube - What Is Sex Therapy?

Hrrm.. It would seem like it would help but I don't even know where (or how I can afford) so see a sex therapist. My mom certainly wouldn't take me to one had I actually found one in the area and I can't drive.

Maybe if one would answer E-Mails for free but I HIGHLY doubt one would do that. :/

And I looked at some of her videos but from what I've seen, none really talk about what I'm going through. (Ofcorse, I guess having a relationship with someone who's dying maybe a bit uncommon)

 

[3lefts]

I'm sort of in the same position as your boyfriend. Childhood stuff, resulting in me being nearly incapable of physical intimacy... it's just difficult. I would say to keep communicating. It's the most important thing you can do, is to talk about it together.
I know it's obvious, right? Maybe so obvious it becomes under-appreciated. Make sure he's communicating with you as well.
As for distractions?
Exercise always works.

 

[LookingForward]

Personally I don't think your sexual urges are a problem, it is comletely normal to want to have sex every day, or every week, or every 10 minutes, everyone's sex drive is different.
I don't know what your boyfriend's condition is but he sounds like a pretty understanding, considerate and loving partner, and I think its wonderful how you guys can discuss this so much before diving in.
Without understanding your boyfriends condition there isn't a lot I can say other than there are a lot of forms of sex, you don't have to rush into it immediately. Tell him neither of you have had sex yet so it is going to be a voyage you are taking together, it doesn't matter how it is the first time. The truth is first time sex for everyone is a bit of a fumbling mess, but that doesn't matter, its still exciting and at the end of the day when it is with someone you care deeply about it will always be something special...

 

[just wanna b normal]

stop masturbating the urges wont stop if you keep doing it. however the urges will stop if you stop masturbating. trust me the urges will go away. the first day or two you once you stop you will have urges but dont do it. then after that it will be easy you wont even think about it anymore. keep your self busy. masturbating & real sex is two different thing its not the same feeling. i rather do it with a real person. so think about that to help you stop. plus think about what you can catch from sex gonorrhea chlamydia you can easily catch that. thats disgusting! so think about that so you wont feel like sleeping around. it will help you narrow down your search more like on your boyfriend. in that case sex will seem special!

 

[Forgotten-Children]

I'm sort of in the same position as your boyfriend. Childhood stuff, resulting in me being nearly incapable of physical intimacy... it's just difficult. I would say to keep communicating. It's the most important thing you can do, is to talk about it together.
I know it's obvious, right? Maybe so obvious it becomes under-appreciated. Make sure he's communicating with you as well.
As for distractions?
Exercise always works.

Well, we try to talk about it but eventually he'll end up just wanting to change the subject. Probably more for my sake because he only talks about it to tease me unless we're in a serious conversation which is a bit rare for this subject. It pops up once in a while but whenever he brings up sex, he just jokes about it.

Well, I've been needing a lot more exercise. I almost have no upper body strength anymore because I don't really lift anything nowadays other than a video game controler or my laptop.

Personally I don't think your sexual urges are a problem, it is comletely normal to want to have sex every day, or every week, or every 10 minutes, everyone's sex drive is different.

I don't know what your boyfriend's condition is but he sounds like a pretty understanding, considerate and loving partner, and I think its wonderful how you guys can discuss this so much before diving in.

Without understanding your boyfriends condition there isn't a lot I can say other than there are a lot of forms of sex, you don't have to rush into it immediately. Tell him neither of you have had sex yet so it is going to be a voyage you are taking together, it doesn't matter how it is the first time. The truth is first time sex for everyone is a bit of a fumbling mess, but that doesn't matter, its still exciting and at the end of the day when it is with someone you care deeply about it will always be something special...

I would hope so. I mean, I don't really have anyone to really compare myself to other than my sister but she's had sex numerous times and the guys that she hangs out wouldn't care about how many times they had sex because they're more like... "f*ck buddies" I guess is the term? Meh... I don't approve of the situation she's in but she won't listen to what anyone says so I'd rather just stick to my own business.

He has Wilson's Disease. It makes it so he can't digest copper so it accumulates in his joints, voice box, brain, and liver.

Well... He HAS had sex before because his last girlfriend forced him into it and even abused and hit him until he did..

I would imagine doing it for the first time with someone you love a lot would be very special but in his case, it really wouldn't be the same because he lost his virginity before he was actually ready and... well not to be cocky but he lost it to someone who wouldn't be his true lover I guess. He told me that if things didn't work out between us, that he wouldn't look for any more girlfriends because he's done with the pain. I wouldn't look for anyone else either even if he is my first because everyone that knows us in real life thinks we're perfect for eachother. Even his mom says that.

stop masturbating the urges wont stop if you keep doing it. however the urges will stop if you stop masturbating. trust me the urges will go away. the first day or two you once you stop you will have urges but dont do it. then after that it will be easy you wont even think about it anymore. keep your self busy. masturbating & real sex is two different thing its not the same feeling. i rather do it with a real person. so think about that to help you stop. plus think about what you can catch from sex gonorrhea chlamydia you can easily catch that. thats disgusting! so think about that so you wont feel like sleeping around. it will help you narrow down your search more like on your boyfriend. in that case sex will seem special!

Mrr.. I can attempt to. I just hope it won't lead to any negative side effects like more depression than usual because I do it when I'm in a pretty good mood so, I guess in a way that later on, if I was depressed, I wouldn't be as depressed because there wouldn't be so much of a chemical imbalance.

o-o I thought masturbation was to PREVENT a disease. You can apparently get some sort of cancer if you don't masturbate/have sex.

 

[userremoved]

I don't think your sex drive is at all that abnormal. When I was younger mine was so high I thought I was a sex addict and wanted counseling. Excercise does help but I'll warn you it might actually make you want more sex lol. Because you'll feel sexier, if that makes any sense. Cold showers don't work and I would advise against them. And I wouldn't stop masturbating. Thats the safest form of sex anyone can have and going cold turkey might have a negative effect on your mood and you might be tempted to act out more. Sorry I can't offer more adivice. But he sounds like a good guy so I've got a feeling you two will work through things.

 

[Forgotten-Children]

I don't think your sex drive is at all that abnormal. When I was younger mine was so high I thought I was a sex addict and wanted counseling. Excercise does help but I'll warn you it might actually make you want more sex lol. Because you'll feel sexier, if that makes any sense. Cold showers don't work and I would advise against them. And I wouldn't stop masturbating. Thats the safest form of sex anyone can have and going cold turkey might have a negative effect on your mood and you might be tempted to act out more. Sorry I can't offer more adivice. But he sounds like a good guy so I've got a feeling you two will work through things.

Heh... The fact that I have low self esteem but wanting sex knowing that seems like a paradox. I mean, I feel a smidge better about myself, but not enough for me to say I like the way that I look. I'm just more accepting of myself I guess.

Well, I never reached climax whenever I tried to masturbate after taking a bath because I guess I wasn't hot enough down there like the friction that my pants cause. (I kinda do it differently than 'normal' girls. My way's more like dry humping. >///>)

I kinda just broke down into tears right now.... I mean I kinda know why but... I think it's because whenever I try and talk about my feelings like this (even when I first posted the thread, I was kinda crying), I always tear up. I dunno if it's because I was thinking about cutting cold turkey though. Not really sure what I'll do, but I don't think I'll have the will power to any way which is kinda pathetic...

He means a lot to me. Like, not just as a boyfriend, but he's like a person I can actually look up to because he's kinda like the older brother I never had too.

And thanks to all you guys for you're advice. Hopefully I'll be able to solve this.

 

[Forgotten-Children]

I talked to him about the subject and basically said for me to not worry about it. He told me that is his decision to want to have sex and I shouldn't make that choice for him (even though I didn't feel like I was.)

He also told me that and person wouldn't do something if they didn't want to do it so if it came down to the time to choose if he was ready.. Well ya know.

Also, I told him that I didn't want to end up like his ex girlfriend but fortunatly he said, if I was like her, he wouldn't have been with me for so long. Being with me covers up the painful memories he had with her.

A few tears were shed on my part but they cleared up fast because James didn't want me to go to bed crying because if I did then he would end up crying himself to sleep or not get any sleep at all because he'd be so worried about me.

But I think I got this painful thought out of my mind finally. So right now, I guess I can say I'm relieved. :3