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Old 11-30-2009
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Real friends. How many times have you heard those two words? Especially when something bad happens to you and you have no one to rely on, no one to talk with, no one that cheers you up. Or when people leave you alone, even those you thought were "friends". Then you will hear someone say "If they are real friends, they'll accept you! If they are real friends, they'll never leave you alone! They did so and so? Then they weren't real friends!"
But where the fukk are real friends? Who the hell has ever met real friends?
It seems some people were very lucky, and they met real friends when they were young enough, one or two, but real friends.
But is there anyone who's met real friends in their 20's, 30's, 40's? Where and how? Do I need to accept the fact I might never have real friends? What if I REALLY need real friends?

I once used to think that it was much easier to find good friends online. I was wrong. A good friendship can't work online, you need to meet in real life too. And when you keep that in mind, you'll realize that it's not easy to find good online friends that also live near enough in real life.

I'm tired of the usual shit, "Go to the gym, do something, take a course, just to meet more people". Ok, but who has actually found real friends that way? Not acquaintances. Real friends.
Do you think you would have the same SA or depression if you had real friends? I don't think so. But where and how to find real friends seems to be a question that has no answer.
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Old 11-30-2009
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I think you just have to be lucky. There's not really a place to go to find real friends...

I still have SA and depression and I've got one real friend (I found him in an art class). I feel bad for him because he has to put up with a lot of crap with me... I can't look him in the eye or speak to him right now and he still loves me and he's trying to get me help for my SA.
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Old 11-30-2009
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I wish I could advise you there but as I have aged and seen what kind of so called
friends I have had well...

I think the answer is learn to love yourself. If you can manage that and be content
then you might not need friends and what ever friends you will get at that state of mind
might turn out to be good people.

I have also noticed from my own experience to not stereotype people, people that you
never thought you could be friends with may turn out to be really good people.
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Old 11-30-2009
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Yeah, I agree, you have to be really lucky. I have yet to find that friend but need them more and more every day. :(
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I beg to differ, I have made true companions online far more than I have where I live. Not being able to meet in reality should not be a hindrance considering that there are such programs as skype as well as numerous instant messaging clients. Unless of course you are factoring physical appearance into this, then meeting them in real life matters. For me though, as long as I am able to relate to them and empathize with them and they return the favor in kind, they are ones I would consider true friends.

Your age is not a limit in making your hopes of companions a reality. You must release your inhibitions that you may never find any, for if you are speaking intelligently to people here then you are already taking the first steps to doing so. Again I emphasize the point that you do nothave to meet people in real life to be friends with them. As your friendship progresses, it would be advisable to do so, but you do not have to. Simply speak your mind and remain true to yourself, in time you shall find that others of the same thoughts shall congregate. Great minds tend to gather in the same places. I am certain that you shall find one.
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I have met three. One I have known for as long as I can remember. I think we met when we were two or three.
Another I have known since high school.
The other I met at work.

It's hard making true friends. You can make friends, and you can make acquaintances. But It's hard to know how many of those friends will be willing to stick with you when you need them most.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dmdmm View Post
I have met three. One I have known for as long as I can remember. I think we met when we were two or three.
Another I have known since high school.
The other I met at work.

It's hard making true friends. You can make friends, and you can make acquaintances. But It's hard to know how many of those friends will be willing to stick with you when you need them most.
And that's the truth.
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Old 11-30-2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicholas
A good friendship can't work online, you need to meet in real life too.
I have to disagree. I don't have any friends (real or fake) offline, but I have some real friends online.

I'm not sure what people expect of real friends though. If you expect someone to stick with you when you do everything you can to push them away, that's not very fair. There's a limit to everyone's tolerance, and if you're a real friend to them you accept that.

"If they are real friends, they'll never leave you alone!" makes no sense to me. A real friend has to be willing to leave you alone when you want to be alone, and they won't always read the signals right to figure out what you want.

Real friends don't magically do everything for you just the way you want, and they don't quit their job and ditch the rest of their life to devote all their energies to helping you. They try to help you as they reasonably can, and they make mistakes, their judgment is imperfect, and their tolerance is finite.
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Last edited by Hoth; 11-30-2009 at 04:21 AM.
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Old 11-30-2009
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Online friends can work just as well as in person. I would think the major downside to it is that a person can hide parts of themselves online. It's much harder to do so in person. But just because a friend is online does not mean they don't care about you any less. They may be sad in the bad times and happy in the good. I wouldn't discount them as "true" friends just because they are only online.
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Old 11-30-2009
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I have one friend who's unconditionally supportive.
The other 8-10 of them aren't interested in supporting.
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Old 11-30-2009
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My best friends are online and they are like family. I am unable to make friends in real life because I can't find the right people and many others dislike me. Just because they are online it doesn't mean they can't be your friends.
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Old 11-30-2009
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Im not sure where to find real friends and i dont have many but real friends are ones that care about you and try to advise you when they think you are doing something unsafe or bad for you. I have one friend i consider a true friend because when i used to do a lot of oxycontin he told me that if i kept it up he was gonna kick my ***. In my opinion that shows true friendship because he cares about my well being and besides that he lets me know what im doing is bad for me. A true friend is loyal and is there for you through thick and thin. I wish I had more of them because I dont have many but the ones i do support me in almost everything i do unless it is bad for my psychological or physical health.
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Old 11-30-2009
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Me too. I'm still searching for that one friend. I got rid of one because his personality clashed with mine but he was really a good friend...just too boring and he only seems like there to help me whenever I ask for it. But overall, he seems to bother me too much too, so I decided to let him off.

I was thinking of where to get friends...like maybe in a not so superficial environment, like a school or church. But my school only had like 5 people and well...it's very easy to eliminate everyone there and you are left with nothing.

I too really want real friends to laugh, to share my joys and sorrows...damn, I envy my sister...she has 3 best friends and they meet up every week to talk about their life.
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Old 11-30-2009
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I don't know, I think there's a big element of 'no true Scotsman' about the term 'real friends'. A friendship can be all kinds of things and can be at all kinds of levels. So to define a friendship as 'real' or 'fake' doesn't really cut the mustard, for me. I'm just on good terms with a certain number of people - be they in real life or online - and that's fine for me.
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I can freely admit to the fact that all I really wanted in life socially, is about two close friends and a girlfriend. Anything more is acceptable obviously, but less than that, I'd say sucks.

Sounds simple, but true friends and true girlfriends... seem to be very difficult to obtain. You have to REALLY earn those types of relationships, it seems. And it kinda makes sense if you think about it, though I do think that I seem to be having a much harder time than other people in finding them. Bah, life, so complicated at times.
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Old 11-30-2009
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What I meant by "online friendship can't work" is that I online friendships are only virtual. I have noticed that often you gradually lose touch with each other, since everyone has their own real life.
But if you want to go shopping with a friend, if you want to take a walk, if you want to go to some club, if you want to watch a movie together... you can't do that with an online friend. An online friend might make you feel less alone, but you are still alone in reality, and that's the real problem.

Yes, it looks like you need to be lucky to meet the right people... But that becomes less likely as you grow older. I'll keep searching anyway...
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i have an old saying: you don't know anyone until they screw you over, pretty sad but true
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I feel just as you do, Nicholas. When you find out the answers, let me know.
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Having friends is a privilege. Just as having a partner is a privilege. No one is entitled to any of that stuff.
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