Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

Right now I feel so cheated once again and again and again and then I feel mean and completely horrible and sorry for rugs. Its this whole thing going round and round.

In the heat of the moment in my body, my whole self - I end up in ruins over and over again because rugs doesnt do that dance. The one where you do something for your partner and then they do something for you. I wouldnt expect the same as me, but it would be nice to have something in return.

Ive resorted to not initiating with him. I do that often. Turns out that it just ends up with him clueless and depressed and completely unable to initiate anything for me.

The only thing he does is comes to my place and then, doesnt think beyond that. Its like I am the one who has to find things to do all the time. And now its just go for a walk because all last year and even beyond that, I had been using all my resources to take him out and do things with him all at my expense. I was also in his world and trying to find a way to live my lifestyle whilst doing that. Tech not living with him, but I was home maybe once a week for a year almost - out of obligation to rugs - I was staying over his place all the time. I didnt want to be there really- but I would find things to excite myself to be there because he could never really do that for me.

I feel like everything has just become so unfair for me. And now its coming back onto him. And I always feel sorry for him. But he takes no responsibility in his life. He cannot rely on me for relief of boredom, for some happiness, for structure in his life, for being able to go out places and initiate and for having some money.

All he does is sleep from 8:30 or even 7:30 at night and gets up in the morning - around 8:30 then has his cigarettes, his coffee, then has his shower, sprays on half a can of hairspray (Im completely allergic to) paces around, looks up people on Facebook and then drives to my place- (alot of times without telling me). Like this morning - completely exhausted from work- I wanted to sleep in more but he just drives over and walks into my room and says hi. With no initiative beyond that. So I have to get up, work out something to do - yet my whole body is so stiff and sore and I have 0 energy. He's waiting there and then says depressingly that he'll just go home and 'clean' - which is what he always says. I mean it's not fair. He wants me to be that person I was last year that was totally wrong. I burnt myself out which is why I am in the situation I am in now. He wants me to be his answer for structure and initiative in his life. He literally has no goals or structure, no initiative - he just goes by how he feels each day and can't think anything to really do that is a goal - its just him, his room, 'cleaning ?', the occasional guitar playing and driving around with nowhere to go.

Its just so apparent when I choose not to initiate or do anything. Im waiting for him to do something for once for me. He has never gone out like I do and taken me somewhere and (except once but that was somewhere we had gone all the time and just happened to be in his car). There are just so many things now. He should realise that he cannot give and that infact he has taken and taken from me.

I choose to forgive and when Im in resentment take it out on here or to my mum ( which is no the best idea as she really gets annoyed with rugs and hides it- makes me feel mean).

Little things when I talk about the 'dance'. What I mean by that is that I do something little for him and he can usually - even tho he has thanked me, not go through with something that would benefit me. Even tho Ive gone out of my way for him- even if its directly then and there.

I have to push him to do so or show him if I wanted anything from him. Even then. For instance he text me (for once) and said that he was coming over the other day in the morning. I text him back saying that my car battery was having trouble and that I had to charge it and later go down to the tyre shop to get a new one. So he came over and initially before he knew about my car issues - wanted to go for a drive and a walk somewhere using my car. But since my car was no good for a few hours I said to him lets go in his- his response was that he was low on fuel and that he should just go home. I needed to go and post a letter and do a few things down the town then too and yet I had to wait for my car.
He said that he would come back later in the afternoon instead.

See what I mean? If that were me, I would offer to help in any way I could- take him down the town to help fix the battery etc. And it defeats his petrol issue by making another trip back anyway. To which I even asked about and he said he got petrol that afternoon anyway. Its like - ??!! he just doesnt know what he is doing at all and can be so selfish and rude and not even realise it.

There is nothing he can give. He doesnt even know how to try. Its like for him to have intiative he needs to have someone guide him and tell him step by step.

You cant really even do anything with him- his attention span is very short most of the time. Watching a movie like Wonder Woman I rented today- he couldnt really watch it all - not 'watch' it watch it.

I wanted today for myself but I felt sorry for him and because I had rented this movie and watched with my parents I though he may wanted to watch it and it may make him happy so I had to get up and make my lunch and food and shower etc - whilst he would annoyingly wait for me. I didnt get that time for myself. I really get anxious because he just turns up when ever he feels like it - when he needs to get out his room- despite what ever Im up to. I never get that privacy. In the past and still at times - Id have to stop everytihng I was doing - was in the middle of because he would turn up and Id be obliged to entertain and do something for him.

Like he just cant do anything for himself. He can turn up- and Ill drop everything and say lets go for a walk then- and go get the dog and then he can just turn around and say he doesnt feel like going for a walk and then drive home and say he hasnt spent much time with his family (?) But then, return an hour later or even less and change his mind. Hell do things like that. And my parents see it all the time.

It messes with me. I need planning and structure and routienes as I get anxious and I have goals. When Im doing my things at home - I can feel anxious like hes just going to pop up and he has done. ALot.
He even once came over, many hours earlier than we had agreed on because he was bored and couldnt wait. Despite me being busy. And I was busy making lucky dips for my work at home with a mountain of toys. Having him bored sitting there on his phone basically wating for me to finish. I remember I had to have a break and go out for a walk with him somewhere to make him happy and then get back to it. Its things like that how I burnt myself out.

I was reading online the other day about this lady who lost weight after exploding from a bad long-term relationship. Whilst she was still in it, she decided to work on herself first to be able to deal with it. And it helped a great deal when they broke up as she had something to relieve her frustration in the form of positive exercise.

Like Ive said before I just want the best for rugs. It bothers me to think that he is jsut kinda rotting away and sad you know. I can be that person for him and I cant let his disfunctions ruin my life.

Theres got to be a better way. And what ive been trying to do and slowly doing is working on myself. My goal and passion has always been about health and it drives me alot. I love indulging in self care practice as thats the one thing that for me makes all the difference in the world to my self confidence and coping with stress etc.

My goal has always been to be the most healthiest person that people know - lol. To use myself as a tool of answers to others who may have health problems. There are so many positive things in using a natural diet to help ailments and change people's lives. I want to be the breathing living example of how to live a healthy life with no restrictions on tastes etc.
The raw food diet completely changed my life- just 80 percent raw and I just really want to go back there. It takes a bit of effort a first, but once you get over the hump of leaving processed foods, your taste buds change and you start to really crave certain foods that love you back. And you have to eat a lot to put in the calories. The best foods Ive ever had have been raw vegan- esp raw cakes.
But the benefits are so many. Id be eating cooked foods here and there- but my meals would consist of raw jut some cooked in the evening with my huge salad or soemthing like that.

I just want to get back to feeling that way again. My diet changed after going out with rugs and I hate it. I buy things that are processed that I never used to touch. There are so many vegan junkfoods now more than ever- but it just makes me feel bad. And then I make cakes alot at home for rugs family and my own and then end up eating alot and licking the bowl. Im not feeling guilty just acknowledging that its a habit that I dont want because it doesnt serve me and the reason I do eat those things alot is that I feel disappointed all the time with rugs and like I need something back for myself cause he wont/cant do that. etc.

Even my undies are tight now. All my clothes are tight.

God, once again he just drives over early in the morning and just comes into the house and into my room. Ive just woken up and then there he is with nothing to say just sitting there patting my dog. I need my privacy and boundaries.

Then mum gets angry because she gets a fright when most mornings he does this. 8:30 he usually comes over. Just comes in.

When I really want to sleep in. See he goes to bed at 8:30 or even 7:30 at night and then gets up and then drives to my house and basically wakes me up. He is like an invasion. I get anxiety because I just want my boundaries and my own time and he comes over when ever. I feel like I cant start things - Im always on his time. And then I have to feel bad because he gets lonely and feels depressed because im not doing something with him. But he lacks his own responsibility to be able to have a life outside of me really. I mean he does so******e with other people and does play guitar every now and then- but he is so dysfunctional. He just goes home to clean. And that is it. I want my space. I fight for it from my mum. Now I have to fight for it from him. I dont like him just not letting me know and driving to my place and not even knocking, just coming in. Theres been times when Im still asleep and he comes in.
He is invasive. He doesnt realise and I dont know how to be asertive without hurting his feelings about this.

He comes from a family that locks all their doors. Even when they are inside. I come from a family that doesnt. We live on acres so we dont bother.

And its like he takes advantage of that. He doesnt understand basic commonsense, basic manners kind of thing. Its rude to come and enter a person's home that early without letting them know. To turn up when im still in bed and feel like I have to spend my morning in obligation on his watch. When I am wanting to have my time to try and do my own routiene and goals.

Of all the things that you write on here, what % do you tell him directly?

Sacrament said:

Of all the things that you write on here, what % do you tell him directly?

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That's actually a good question. I do tell him directly a lot of things that I have said on here- esp after the intensity of my feelings have subsided a bit. But its still quite hard to get through to him. It's like the elephant in the room that he cannot see. Its hard for him to even concentrate on things - he doesn't really have the energy and even cognitive abilities to really hear me out.
And I tiptoe around his feelings because he has been depressed lately. This relationship only works if I am the one lifting all the weight and its so tiring. There is nothing he brings to the table, he just expects instead, like waiting for me to be responsible for him and it weighs me down so much.

His reality is that for example, he thinks that he is going to get a property( some acres of land) with me and yet he has no money and no job and no goals and no thought of how he would do that. He thinks that he could with the disability pension not even realizing that a block of land costs like $400,000.

grapevine said:

...This relationship only works if I am the one lifting all the weight and its so tiring. There is nothing he brings to the table, he just expects instead, like waiting for me to be responsible for him and it weighs me down so much...

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That does not sound anything like a "relationship".
It actually sounds more like what exists between a mother and her 7 year old son. It is very sad to read you living through this for so long, grapevine. :sad:

Thing is I just want to help him with things. I do care about him and want to help set up some kind of support for himself. I helped him today fill out his claim for disability payment. Every fortnight Ive gone with him to the doctor and sat in the waiting room for him whilst he anxiously gets his Risperdol (anti-psychotic) jab. He gets very anxious each time.

As we were going through the claim for disability pension we were discussing things about his illness. To him, he thinks there isn't much about him that says he has schizophrenia. But the sad part is that to me, there is a hefty lot. And its just too much for me to bare. And the even sadder part is that he genuinely tries as small as his thinking through things goes and bombarding me with his smokey presence all the time- he does care and tries to change himself, hes very loyal and tries his best.
How do I be genuine with him? I tried to tell him this morning that I am an introvert and that I like to do alot of things - on my own - I have lots of hobbies and goals and routines I like to do and that it always makes me sad that he is just depressed with nothing to do at his place because I am doing my things. Like he is waiting. I told him that he needs to find things for himself to do other than be with me all the time. Other than guitar. He needs other things to do, to have some passion or something. And when I told him that, he looked upset a bit and didnt know of anything else he could think of to do.
Thats one symptom of schizophrenia is lack of ideas and intent. His sister has the same thing and they just go do small same things over and over that it gets quite eerie and unhealthy. They cant do anything diffferent. With rugs, he just what he calls' goes home to clean' and hell spend whole days on facebook or instagram taking selfies and doing his pages as he says. Esp the days Im at work he does this.

Its so hard to cope with him in my life now. I started backing away months ago. I've been quite ill all year because of last year and more overdoing myself. Thats one thing about having an anxiety disorder is that you can push too hard and completely crash and burn yourself out. Ive done it before.

Now all I want is alot of space and boundaries from him. But he lit right up last night when I decided Id come and stay over and rent a film with him as I havent stayed over in a while. Maybe once a week or fortnight and I had a longer period of staying at home for a while too as I was too ill. But I stayed over his place for a year- longer nearly every night and completely missed out on my own family, my own home, my own life. I dont really know why I did that. But I burnt myself out.

Im dealing with his illness right at me all the time. He is always waiting for me to do something with him everyday. To go for a walk somewhere or go over his place and he always drives over to mine. Even at 8:30 in the morning and just walks straight in. My parents tell me off about it - well my mum does. But i dont know he is coming. Usually Im still asleep and have to get up because he drives over and wakes me up. Its not fair and I dont know how he cant see how rude that is. Everything seems to be all about him and my time is his time almost.

He doesn't get that I like to have freedom and space to do whatever I choose without him coming over and me having to stop all my goals for the day just to please him because he has nothing else to do. He comes over nearly everytime if we've made a time much earlier than we said and I end up having to drop all my things just to please him as its uncomfortable to be able to do things whilst he is there waiting.

At the same time, my biggest goal to get well and I am very sensitive to cigarette smell and hairspray and get quite ill - hence why I am ill now. He is a strong smoker and its all over his clothing and a heavy hairspray user. Although he goes outside and smokes- its still horrid.
He comes over nearly everytime if we've made a time much earlier than we said and I end up having to drop all my things just to please him as its uncomfortable to be able to do things whilst he is there waiting.

I really am not attracted to him anymore. I never really was - I was more in a thought of who I thought he was and wanted to get some self esteem from him I guess which is wrong. Thats actually prob a lie. I was attracted to him as he his voice was very sincere and he seemed like this okay guy that had a chip on his shoulder that I felt that he was kind of attracted to me and that it made me feel better to try and get his attention by improving myself, feeling better about myself- I was on a journey and because of him actually made progress out of the unhappy girl I was. I liked him as we had the same sense of humor and he was very loyal and remembered what youd say that sort of thing. It was like this attraction at work each time. Clouded by his condition tho. Which, I didnt know how limiting it was in his world- I didnt know his life was like a child's.

Anyways, this just really is making me quite ill by now. Ive got my therapist to see in a week to talk to her about it. But I get so upset daily and so anxious daily about it . I get lots of times where I cant breathe fully all day and night and think Ive got a cold or something. But its anxiety. I feel like a horrible person because I know Im stringing him along and I think he can feel it - I think I know he can feel it and is holding on to any little affection he can get from me. Even though he thinks we are solid.
I know what its like to be strung on and not feel good enough. To have someone not want to be around you and say things at you and then make you feel like they do like you and then not. The fact that he gets depressed and has nothing to do at home and just sits there and does silly videos of his face and things like that. He is a really sad man. And then you look at him and he cant afford anything. You look at his hair and its all stuck with small balls of chunky old hairspray in it (he's obsessed with hairspray and uses it lots of times a day despite me getting him pomades), his haircut he cut himself because his dad past away who used to cut it, and then he made me cut it- he really needs to go to a hairdresser, his really old shoes he cant afford or be bothered to get a new pair. And his feet smell like dead bodies. He eats like a kid in a candy store. Lollies, bowls of icecream, ice coffee, milk shakes, chips etc. He has a huge beer belly and lacks energy for anything all the time. Has to sleep 16 hours or more.

I look at him, and feel sorry for him. I feel stuck in this situation where I need to find some in between refuge for a while before I cut loose after xmas.

I want him to get the disability pension. Which would increase his income and gain some support at least.

But I really want to be honest with him. I want to tell him my frustrations with him and why he is not in reality in a relationship and why im not either.

But I know that I would end up blowing him away with so much negativity to him about him that it would verge on abusive.
Ill guess Ill use chair work for that at my therapist.

I just dont know at moment as its really getting so hard now because I end up feeling so upset and mean and seeing the consquences distraughtly of when I want to end it.

Id like to have a break really and Ive wanted that for a long time. But I know he prob wouldnt be able to do that. But Im going to practice with my therapist of what I could say regarding my health and why I need it I guess.

Because at this rate the stress is jsut too much to bare. When you feel hapy because you have a day to yourself and plan what your going to do and then you wake up to find he has driven to your house at 8:30 in the morning when youve just woken up still in bed and dont get your space like you thought- and skip all your goals. You feel defeated and then for me Ill start binge eating because thats how I feel - defeated so Ill defeat my health goals too etc.
He is really invasive and I dont understand how things like that dont correspond with him that its rude and invasive etc.


http://www.schizophrenia.com/family/60tip.html

I think I need to calm down and that acknowledge I am in PMS mode at the moment and things get so anxious that i get so panicky and sad.

What I might do is that it might be good for me to write on here as tho I was writing or speaking to rugs of how I feel. Orchestrated in a way that I feel gets it out for me and then maybe tunes it to be okay to say or not lol.

Well see.

Anyone in a relationship would be worried about the possibility of breaking up, but I'm positive that after the initial sadness died down, you'd feel a huge relief. You wouldn't have any of that excess baggage hanging around, bringing you down. And after a while, you could remain friends and maybe help him get better.

Thanks. I do like him, he's a nice guy but combine my anxiety disorder with his full-blown - medically treated schizophrenia and indifference and its a really rough ride.

Im left always wanting things that never come with him. The thing its eating me up that I find it hard to even know how to orchestrate being authentic with him on a whole range of the issues with him. I really want him to know whats going on. I want to connect. And thats the thing with him, you just cannot really connect. It is really hard for anyone to have a relationship with someone with his condition.

Before I went out with him, I had a naviety about me regarding men. I had so much spark in me, I had a softness about me that thought that a guy (him at the time) when I was working with him, would find my inner softness and care for it kind of thing- if that makes sense. That he would be precious and mentally kind to me. That we'd connect.
But what happened it went all the wrong way. Nothing to what I thought this romance would be. There was never really any romance. There was perhaps a short time where I felt wanted and romantic feelings but they were over-shadowed with severe weird behaviour from him and caused me (straight away without being assertive)to give and give to him out of on the spot obligation.
Even when he had asked me out he said that I might as well as we are both getting old and as if to say I couldnt get anyone else. Even when he hurt my feelings with insensitve remarks about how I looked knowing I had BDD but not knowing what BDD was or bothering to go beyond a shallow understanding. It was rediculous.
But the reason at the start that I went out with him was because he made this desperation in me to want to be passed as worthy to him. He basically befriended me at work, flirted with me, then left me alone for months, then flirted again. And then ask me out on what was a date, but not acknowledge that it was. Then never speak to me really for months after that- 5 months that was. I mean, what was I to think? No wonder I was feeling so down on myself in BDD at the time.

When I think of those things- its easy to walk away from this relationship. He was never doing things for me, never taking me out and making me feel good. It was me taking him out everywhere and buying him meals and driving with my car and buying him things. It was me living in his world. And because I've gone through all that, Ive developed this armour now and I dont feel feminine and soft and gentle etc, I feel like Im the man- Im the one that just has to run chores in every time we are together- to make it work. He cant do anything really. Cant really communicate cant take me out, cant have the imagination to do things for me, cant recognise to initiate anything for me, cant have the intellect to have conversations about basic knowledge things, cant make himself happy, cant set and achieve structure and goals, cant be responsible, cant do basic responsibilities, cant look after himself, cant have any concentration.. etc.. the list goes on- not to mention the severe smoking and bad diet and excessive sleeping and severe immaturity to alogia.

Its so much to deal with. Ive done it all now. Ive tried so much, I done - over-done it. Just trying to have a good time with him- leads me to doing all of the work. Everytime we are together its me who has to organise it all, suggest things, have things out of my pocket, be the one doing everything. Basically, he is like a manikin that receives things from me and acts like a little child with new toys every now and then.

I dont get that feeling of security from him, you cannot rely on him ever- Ive done that with very basic things that were even from a moral perspective and yet hed let me down- again and again and again. He can be extremally shallow.

I would always perk up and do things myself and think we are going to have a good time, Id go and surprise him and go out somewhere and things like that. It doesnt work.

What I do now is just wait for him to do things for me. It never happens. I wait for him to come and want to take me out somewhere and do things for me - without me asking any of it. It will never happen. He just cant do those things. Everything I do with him that is initiated to me by him is his stuff. Things to do for him or things he wants. There's no initiation beyond himself.

And then, there is the thing that he cant help be like this and you feel sad for him- you want him to educated himself and improve his life. But to do that you basically have to care for him like a parent. Its very tiring.

I guess the relationship leaves little room for me to be the one being spoilt. He is always spoilt all the time beyond. Always so much pressure to being with him socially.

But I stopped alot of things with him. Then he gets depressed. He cant communicate his feelings really - but I know he wants me to be that person I was last year that just gave up my life to do things for and with him- live in his life - give up my authenticity and passions and live to brightening up his life.

Thats what it feels like. But because Im not there much at all anymore- he gets all depressed. Even when Ive stopped my agenda to hang out with him- he can get that alogia - where he basically just sits there like a dummy - cant have a conversation with, cant make any facial expressions, can only say yeah or something like that. Theres no active listening no listening at all really. And yet hell be on his phone online doing whatever. Which is shown as really rude as I am always giving up my time to be with him as I have a lot of things I do and for him to just sit there and not interact all the time and wait for me to tell suggest something for us to do at the expense of me. Thats what happens.

If after all of that, you're still deciding to stay with him, you can't really complain anymore ::

Well, you can, but it's because of something you decided to keep going through.

grapevine said:

And then, there is the thing that he cant help be like this and you feel sad for him- you want him to educated himself and improve his life. But to do that you basically have to care for him like a parent. Its very tiring.

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I think it's more of a "care-giver plus" relationship, than a man-woman relationship. That's a bit below "friendship plus".

Sacrament said:

If after all of that, you're still deciding to stay with him, you can't really complain anymore ::

Well, you can, but it's because of something you decided to keep going through.

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haha- I know right :applause:

rugs has been quite supportive last night talking and helping me through my bdd attack. Ive been quite illthis week - i overdid it at work - like really exausted myself to the point where was having issues with concentrating on the road driving home.
And the i got massive woman time (aunt flow) - my whole body in pain-stiff and exausted and my mind and then nausea and cramps and so with that.

Ive been having wild mood swings and constant anxiety attacks this week. i do get abused at work- they use me as they know that I will overdo it because of my anxiety- my work is neglected completely by the owners in management and im the one physically tring to clean up the shop because its like a hoarder's house seriously. Its a trendy 2nd hand shop thats neglected and they just say im in charge of the shop floor despite me only being there (paid) 2 days a week- unless I volounteer the other days. Its a drive to get there too. In the next town and its not that long, but long enough that when your slogging and filling 50 huge bags of clothes uve gone through and put out the front to be taken away ( each one weighing up to 30kg) and with yourself the only one doing that whilst volounteers do small things, because they physically cant or what ever and then a volounteer goeas out for lunch for an hour leaving me alone in the shop with people bringing in donations of furniture and having to serve everyone and try to get my own jobs done whilst doing all that. Its not fair.
Then at the end of the day, after lifting so many bags of stuff and never having a break, not to mention have to put up with the lunch break guy that leaves me- he can be a flrting bully to me and last week as I was carrying a huge white bag of clothes and things - he threw a blow up ball at my face, he tells me i mumble and that Im like an autistic person in his own way, he pokes his finger in my ear all the time and tells me I should break up with rugs and go out with him, he also told me the other week that I should loose some wieght then I can go out with him (hes a skinny asian) as he likes girls a bit smaller. And that really threw my bdd that day.
And at the end of the day - not the day that he is there, but another worker who has mild autism spectrum disorder - she cant do things that much and so I have to do everything like with everyday im there- shop floor stuff that is. And then, after the end of the day of hard labor beyond my limits- ive got to go round the street and grab the signs with heavy brick like stables. 2 trips for each sign. Round the street and it sux cause their so heavy and Im all dizzy and exausted and my fingers barely gripping the heavy signs and brick things. Then I get in my car and drive all the way home- and its so exuasting. I could have a crash like that.

The thing is that I was talking to rugs for once. And he seems to have gone into an improvement stage - whcih doesnt last for long - but anyway - I said to him that I think Im abusing myself in my work with anxiety. Im not only dong it in work but anything I do. I go way out and over do it. Then end up almost bed ridden with exaustion. Its like a pattern.

See my work, I get paid but I have the choice of doing my own thing. I have to intiate at work what Im going to do as there is no managament. I could just go there and not do anything - but the shop is so messy everytime I go there and clothes and donations to the roof and people relying on me to always do my best because I do. Even when it costs me alot.

Okay- Ive been doing my best to quieten the thoughts and feelings and judgements from things I cannot control. Ive been removing myself mentally and physically from those things and things have been a bit better. Ive worked out that its better sometimes for me to actually just voice my feelings kindly rather than to internalise them and then write on here.

The stress and anxiety I had been dealing with felt way too much for me - so ive been taking it easy now. My therapist introduced me to Restorative yoga which I want to start doing soon - once I get a prop. Its like a deep sleep feeling afterwards so I plan on doing it twice a day in the evening and the morning perhaps.

I need full attention to making my routine to getting well again. But .. it's so hard when everyone wants me you know. I've got my mum who is deaf with a cochlear implant who relies on me - my dad is always out at bowls and mum cant drive and we live out from the town a bit too much in walking distance for my mum who turns 70 in Feb next year. Then Ive got Rugs and then also my dog who is old and highly dependent on me with severe separation anxiety even when I'm home. And then my work, which is a non-for profit charity that helps the homeless and battered women etc get cheap housing and refuge. I work at their thrift store and I get paid for 2 days a week which is supplemented with my disability pension. But they are very irresponsible type of business and it drives everyone mad. I get swamped when I work and overwork and give up my time alot in other days just to attempt to get ontop of things.
Thing is now Ive found out that they are in dept with a $20, 000 water bill that arose from one of their shelter houses for women. There was a leak or something that wasnt found out til later and the water gauge might be faulty too. They are getting a bit of relief with the water company but theres not much else they can do. If they cant get any other charity to help them, then its going to mean that they will have to pack up shop and I will be out of a job. But at least I will have a good reference anyway.

Its my bday on Thursday and lately Ive just been feeling like if I want something special, Im gonna have to do it myself. Gift myself lol. Mum has no clue, Rugs no clue etc.. of what I would really like- of even how to go about it - even telling them- so its up to me all the time. And the thing is I feel like the best present I could get was to have my own time right now- to be able to pursue my goals. Because Im always in between dependencies of others.
I am getting better at practicing my boundaries by far , but its just when people cant fend for themselves and you are there - and can help them.

Like today for instance, the morning was me taking mum to doctors, waiting for ages and getting her check up and xray, taking her shopping and so on, then doctors again etc.. I didnt get breakfast in as Id come straight from Rugs place in the morning and left to take mum early. Its like the whole day out - my time always gets taken over you see. Right when I want to put my time in the morning to juice and to do my things - my routiene I want to start up again and its hard.
So thats where I am right now.

I try not to over stress anymore. I try very hard to ignore rugs weird stuff. Im responsible for who I let in my life. If I care for a person but they display behaviour that is against my morals like taking millions of selfies- then I will voice it. And then I will not put that on me. I let it go now. Its still disturbing and disappointing, but he still serves a purpose at the moment with me and I do care for him an since I distance myself from his weird behaviour more - tho I voice it if i need to, it helps lessen the stress.
If I want to stay with him for now - than its just part of the package I guess.

But Ive stayed home more and have more structure and responsibilities and intents known whenever I am with him. that way I dont slide into obligations and his lack of timing and organizsation.

I don't know. I have expectations and even subconscious resentments toward you know who. It's my birthday today. He slept over last night and was unable to watch a movie with me because he gets so sleepy by 9:00. I made sure I asked him if he was up for it before he came over and he said he was. I ended up watching the film on my own. Which was okay I guess. I'm trying not to tell a story - a pity one- but its just the woe me thing right now. Its needs to get out and its just a silly mood thing.

He had rung up to tell me he was coming over because he gets lonely every night when he is on his own. That's really his motive to come over. But he ends up going to sleep real early anyway so lol? But he had rung up to to ask when my birthday was because he wasn't sure if it were today or the next day. And by the looks of it, had not planned a thing- not actually made the time and so on to thoughtfully prepare a present for me. Im pretty sure it was a last minute thing from yesterday. He spent all his money out with his mates in town last weekend and didn't think it. Yesterday his sister asked him to take her out shopping and that is where she reminded him I guess and he borrowed some money from her.
Buying a few things for me from a second-hand shop.

I dont know this for sure, but it just seems like a scramble of trying to get something quick for me as he forgot. But he may of had some of these things before hand I dont know.

I guess what Im trying to say is that Im disappointed. Im not dissappointed that he tried and was thinking about me for that time, but that in complete comparison to all Ive done for him and given him and spent and everything and it just seems that he just can never 'do'. Just the smallest of expectations are shrewd with him.
I fall into resentment. I recently fell out of it with the realisation of knowing that he cant fit my needs even as a friend. Everything is clouded with his illness. And it sux big time.
I know I dont want him as a partner for ever- but right now my self esteem is low and I get lonely so I try to shut up. But today is my birthday and I just want to be expressive in my immature mood.

I do things, for people and go out my way. I think alot of people with SA do that. Esp girls. I am one of those fixer people that get entangled into other people's problems and lives and try everything to help them and at the same time completely walk over myself to do so. I like a challenge and have optimism and combined with anxiety- it makes for a ball of negelct to myself. Self abuse.

I read somewhere that men dont have that measurement radar thing like women do. That sounds sexist. But its just what I read- that when a woman gives a man a present or does something for the man, it creates an expectation in her for him to match it.

Then, when it doesnt - she gets dissappointed and feels like she isnt worth as much as him as she has been to him. That kind of thing.

See I gave him a phone for his birthday in May. Ive given him lots of things. Im on a pension but I save to do these things. I buy months in advance and make his birthday special. His present cost me $300 plus and it wasnt all I gave him, bought him. I also took him out to an animal park on top of the presents.

He gave me a few second hand things. Not that I had expectations, I had bad ones so I guess Ive brought it on myself. But I cant help but feel like my worth to him is just a few cheap second-hand old small baby toys which he thinks I like, a second-hand sing along Sound of music dvd, and 2 second-hand cds of Dawsons creek and Now and then soundtrack. I did like the thought into it tho. But i can see that giving is not soemthing he does much of. And its n contrast as i feel thats all I do. I feel like i just wouldve liked something special and new from him. Like actually buy something from an actual shop -something new - something that he had to go out of his comfort zone to do and think about it more. It wouldve been nice.
I mean, its nice to have him actually giving me something when its hard for him to do . But these expectations - I guess I feel like Im not worthy or something.
So much Ive done for him. And yes Ive had real bad resentments and frustrations with him and his illness and so on. But its just wore me down. I guess you think, you know that he couldve thought about it more and stuff. I wonder if he thinks in comparison to what ive ever given him? Last year I decided wed go to the local animal park and I ended up paying for him- despite him having the change to pay himself - he wanted me to use my car so that we could get in faster. But after we left, he never gave me his coins to pay me back. Instead, he bought himself snacks at the supermarket because I needed to buy some food. He didnt even acknowledge that he had basically taken money from me on my bday. I get pretty upset that day last year.

Im not sure how to make myself feel better today. Its my bday and I have to work. Im only going to work half the day. My mum cant drive and hada fall recently and broke her wrist- I had to take her to the doctors and back all this week lol. So she hasnt had the time to get me anything. Dad only thinks about lawn bowls lol.

Rugs is going to take me out tho on the weekend one day- to his hometown to show me around. As I suggested to him that it would be nice if for once he took me out. I didnt say that - you know the whole time weve been going out - Ive taken him out and everyhing has been at my expense. But - it would be really nice if I just let him take me out. Tho prob end in disaster. Ill have to pack a food just in case. But I swear that I am only going to buy something for myself as a present and nothing more. I am def not going to pay for anything for him because that will defy the point. Its just going to be me and him taken me out and paying for me for once. It will prob go wrong- Ill prob be dissapointed - but at least Ill try to not expect much.

I do very much appreciate that he could give me a present and get out of his mind to do so. But i do realise in eye-opener that so many things are just way too hard for him. He cant do things. And that is it really.

Its funny that at the same time he gives me such small gifts for my bday prob all together costing him $5 or something- he asks me to get certain new release dvds for his xmas present and has such high expectations on his presents. And Im wondering if I should really not give him much at all. Let him be dissappointed. Show him that Im not about giving to him all the time. That my worth is just being there.

I dont know. I guess Im just feeling down as it would be nice I guess to feel special for once and have someone really fit those buttons I guess.

Actually, it reminds me the other day, I had gone into town and done some xmas shopping and thought Id buy him a shirt that was only $3. Clothes are so cheap these days (for unethical reason I might add :sad. The next day and I gave him this shirt and straight away he tells me he wont wear that and so on abruptly. It was rude and hurt my feelings. It was just a grey long sleeved loose tshirt.
And it makes me think, imagine if I told him what I thought about his presents? You know. Hes like that tho, you give him a present and he will be upfront with you about it.

But Im still greatful. Just acting immature.

Thanku : )

These are the posts that Rugs puts on his Instagram along with selfies of himself- this is just one day:

I think I might try a different approach with people in (the sate we live in).... that I've blocked, instead of being upset or annoyed when & if I see them in public, I might in fact try to be really nice & kind to them, just to make it feel awkward for them knowing that I have blocked them but not acting like I have, which will probably feel weird for them because they were expecting a different reaction, plus I've blocked them, so I don't know why exactly we are speaking LOL

This is open for anyone to think but I actually have a crush on you

I know I only have 4 followers on Instagram & I can use my words very negatively, even tho I am actually so over the moon with glee when I do it, I just wanted to let you know that the option to unfollow is always there

I kinda find it so humerous that once I've blocked someone, those men & women still alter their pages based around mine from what they can see & access from fake accounts LOL So you can't see me from your main account but still alter it based around what you can see from mine to your offical page. LOL Lame af The last time I spoke to you is the last time I have thought about you ��

Sometimes I kinda feel like Karen doesn't really appreciate my looks, constantly having goes at me for my accessive grooming, photos & any chance I can see my reflection, but in ways it's good because it puts me on level ground & I can see from her perspective how my ridiculous extreme self indulgence can annoy her. BUT GOD DAMN I look so hot in photography PMSL ������������������