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Old 06-06-2017
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I need to deal with my frustrations and leave my expectations.
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Old 06-06-2017
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I need to deal with my frustrations and leave my expectations.
Good idea.
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Old 06-06-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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It's a mess. I think you know what you have to do, it's just a question of how to do it.

I'd make a few notes based on what you've said here and talk to your therapist about it. Rugs' going to be hurt no matter what, that's practically unavoidable; but maybe your doc can come up with some strategies to soften the blow... for both of you.
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Old 06-10-2017
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Thankyou so much giving me opinions. It means alot to me.

I just still feel bad though, its like I am the bad person. Im not ready to separate with him yet. I just dont think that he is in a good enough place for me to do so. But what I am ready for is to have a break for a bit and Ive been thinking about how to tell him that I need a week off from each other (ideally more). And the reasoning (not that I would tell him in a bad ay- but I have already been quite transparent to him the other day in writing even mentioning his immaturity and illness and that I wanted my space and lack of responsibility from him.. which I felt horrible for doing)is because I have come from being independent and antisocial for 20 odd years - to suddenly be in an intrusive and demanding relationship for a year where I have sacrificed most of all of my own life to be in ( the silly things that I do...) and that I just really need reflection and space as Im going crazy.

I just cannot think about my own goals and personal happiness/passions without thinking that I cant do those things because he will be in the way of them and that I cannot stay at my own place all the time because I have to be over his place or he over mine - and I have no space and no time to do any of the things that I want to do.. etc..

But im pushing myself more and more now to be assertive and actually get my own time. But it severely bugs me because he is just at his home in his double garage doing nothing- just nothing really at all - no real hobbies or friends or somewhere to go- just kinda waiting it all on me for those things. That is wahy I wrote to him the other day saying that its just not fair that you want me to fill all of the holes in your life for you all the time and not even recognise it.
Its just not fair. Its not my responsibility, its his. Its his life. And then, when I am with him - he isnt even present- there is a lack of drive in him, hardly any communication. I mean I am aware that by me suddenly complaining alot to him now- all my passive aggressiveness and all that - just little things- but he makes me so angry because he is unable to do things that go back to my own values. There is no excitement with him at all. He cannot provide me with even an enjoyable conversation- nothing fazes him. I am over being disappointed every single time Im with him. He wants me to hang out with him- yet not actually connect with me- he just smokes every 20 minutes (or less) - goes outside and paces, makes endless coffees and cant sit still. Gets pre-occupied with what seems like nothing (blank stare) or things on the internet or his own selfies- and Im just sitting there trying to connect with him - to get some laughs out of him- conversation - anything.. and I try and I try and even when I do- he is just not interested really - he is into his own mind instead. Its like Im there and he wants to make sure I am comfortable and all- but thats it. He is not going to be able to interact with me.

I mean, perhaps that I mentioned to him in writing that he communicates like 12 years and immature with jokes all the time that I cannot talk like an adult 99 percent of the time with him- that perhaps that has stunted his communication. It's just - I'm in a position where I'm being slightly abusive - where he probably feels cornered where anything he does is never right. So he just gives up and goes into his cave mentality. I mean, I get that- but it's not exactly that- it's just that I literally hate sometimes so many things about him because they go against my princibles, my values.

He just lacks any responsibilities of the slightest things, and sustainable motivation and goal setting, he lacks so much that he cannot even see that he does and that he could make his life better- its like he is in a cycle of depreivation from his own accord from his illness and it makes me mad that his parents being enablers do not actually get up and literally try to help him in ways that could make a real difference to his happiness.

He needs to be on the dissability pension, but his dad seems to be too proud to sign him up for it. I am sure he would get it. I have looked at the impairment tables (au) and he seems to tick the boxes and the fact that he has been getting Risperdal injections every fortnight for years shows he is stable. Its just that he lacks the awareness and insight in his disabilities and I cannot be the only one to fill the for with him as Im not his parents.

If he got the pension- it would mean he could have a decent income - at least more that what he has. I would help him open a bank account so that his dad doesnt have to control his money. And he could be in a program that actually gets people on the disability a job and be way more easier than not being on the dissabilty. I just know it would help him so much, but its like his dad seems too proud or something. ITs so stupid- considering he takes his money.

But then, even Rug's doctor is a bit of an idiot who sees most of the phsychotics in the town and doesnt seem to do much else but just treat them with medication and kind of bypass any real health stuff. Last year when I proposed that Rugs go on the disability, I asked him to ask his doctor if he would help write something for him for the paperwork- of evidence of his illness- and he said that the doctor just said' Dont you want to work?' - and that made me so angry because that doctor should be aware (considering he is the mental health doctor) that going on disability pension in Australia does not mean its a non-working pension. It means that that person has a chronic but stable disability that makes barriers to getting a job and that the disability can provide that person with an income and services that will greatly help get them out of dispair. The fact that he, himself (his doctor) seems to even lack the insight into Rug's condtion annoys me so - because he would be the one writing evidence for him. There needs to be a person writing evidence that knows him and can see those behavioural dysfunctional barriers that are part of his illness and impedeing him- that he needs the help. I dont think his dad even sees them because he is so used to Rugs as he is. But its not normal and its neglect to think that he can just be okay like that.

Anyways. It just annoys me because I want to push him and see him with the support he would benefit from. I just know it would make a difference. But Im out of my depth because I feel like his condition is dumped on me, and that I am his only support. And Im the last in the pecking order (how my psychologist seemed to put it) of being able to do anything about it.

Its just frustrating.
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Old 06-10-2017
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I wonder if he knows how lucky he is to have you? The dude surely must have thought he won the lottery when you two got together? I know i would have. I mean the chances of him finding ANY woman, let alone one who is normal by most accounts. I doubt he'll ever be in a "healthy position" for a relationship, but i think you know that. Just like most likely i'll never be. Some things are just not meant to be. So one has to play the hand they've been dealt. But some people are extremely lucky, as they have a very low hand, yet score okay. Others aren't lucky, and so :. must reap the consequences of that low hand.
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Old 06-11-2017
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I wonder if he knows how lucky he is to have you? The dude surely must have thought he won the lottery when you two got together? I know i would have. I mean the chances of him finding ANY woman, let alone one who is normal by most accounts. I doubt he'll ever be in a "healthy position" for a relationship, but i think you know that. Just like most likely i'll never be. Some things are just not meant to be. So one has to play the hand they've been dealt. But some people are extremely lucky, as they have a very low hand, yet score okay. Others aren't lucky, and so :. must reap the consequences of that low hand.
I think he does, to some degree. I mean, he has opened up quite alot of gold nuggets for me ( lol- my term for life lessons)- Ive learnt so much and am such a different person to from before I went out with him. I mean, I was so scared of men, I thought that most men have these standards that I just could never meet, and that goes back to my abusive past with this guy in 07. He was 28 and I was 24. Well, Ive written about it in here at the begining of my journal, but what gets me now is that I am finding alot of familiar behaviour that he portrayed towards me- I am now doing to Rugs. I am not talking about rape and abuse here- but disappointment and not being about to have that person meet my expectations and needs etc.. just the way that he would act to me (this is 10 years ago lol) - I remember being clueless and wondering what was so wrong with me at the time and wanting so much to try and improve and mould myself for him that I lost myself - I was never good enough, never good enough to be his partner too- despite living and sleeping with him. I dont think Rugs feels this way as such- but its quite chilling to feel the same feelings as this past relationship guy did and to portray similar behaviours.

He would go out and get involved in so many activities it wasn't funny- it was as though he was trying to get away from me. He was in a Latin dancing class, cooking class, snorkelling class etc.. and I was this young naive girl that moved all the way interstate to live with him and leave my life behind- I had in doing that broken my agoraphobia and men phobia too , I was in edgy territory of just coming out of that- and had not worked before (I had just studied and had before that struggled to even get out of the house or even in a car, or outside of the house).. but his expectations on me were one of a 30 year old and he wanted to see me being successful and working and studying and with money and it was something that I was trying to do at the time - but I was dealing with so much (not to mention his rape and emotionally abusive behaviour) trying to adjust - it was so unfair to have put so much pressure on me and then hate me for not being able to quickly adhere to it.
I rmemeber writing list of things that he would complain to me about so that I could change myself- one of them was an 'inappropriate laugh' and he would count me out on that all of the time. The other was I wasnt aloud to talk about myself. Which was dumbfounding when he would ring me up and ask how my day was and I would answer and if I said more than a sentence or so or got into whatever my response was- he would want to hang up. And he would too. It was like what the? I would feel so torn. And then that thing where you cannot look into someone's eyes. Well he raped me quite a few times and the first time I met him- ( that is why I couldnt look into his eyes) it didnt mean I couldnt look other people's in eyes.

And yeah- Im getting out of perspective here. But my relationship prior to Rugs was 10 years ago. Where I got onto a plain after talking to this guy on a BDD forum. Something that I would never had done - only he was good at making me feel good and calm and even though I had never flown a plain before and was deep into my agoraphobia and social phobia- I went and did it- I challenged myself and did it. I got on that plane and over-pushed myself. I lost so much weight tho- I was so scared in meeting him and he kept asking what my measurements were. Which I thought was that he wanted to buy me a dress or something. So when I met him at that airport- I weighed 42kg which was quite skinny. But I had quite alot of confidence from that. But anyway, meeting him at a bog Sydney airport and being totally nervous with so many people and not knowing where I was and relying on him for comfort and guidance and when I met him in person and the look on his face was of disgust and disappointment. He did not embrace me. He even said that he cut the drive around the city short -- then he raped me that night, then in the morning he told me how disgusting I looked and if only I had put on some weight I would be okay. He decided to do holiday teaching whilst I was there so that he didn't have to take me anywhere because I wasn't worth it to him. He told me where the train station was. So I literally - holding back his negativity - bravely confronted so many fears and went and got lost in the city and on the train. I was even shaking.

He did take me places tho, but not without having to sit and have him tell me things he didn't like about me. And then I remember on the 2nd or 3rd day and he would tell me that I was the rudest person he had ever met because he drove me up to the Blue Mountains lookout and when he had talked to me, I giggled a little bit every now and then. But it was with him and it was just a friendly gesture that I was haivng a good time for once and was excited. But he sat me down when we came back and told me I was the rudest and most selfish person he knew because I was laughing at him. And that I needed to go home. And of course I was shocked and cried.
But somehow, silly I know- but I ended up staying more than I thought I would. The reason was that it was pulling me out of my agoraphobia and social phobia for once in my life and I didnt want to let go of that. And I suppose that was selfish. But he would act like he wanted me there and then he didnt.
And I guess he just wanted me to be moulded into someone he wanted.
And it wasnt happening.


Anyways. It ended pretty badly after a year and a bit. Of me being left at the doorstep of the airport and him accelerating away without a wave. God, actually I remember it being my bday when I was with him and he randomly seeing mum's card she sent me and him coming up and telling me that he didnt believe in bdays and that every day was one instead and walking away ( of course that was a different story on his bday). I began to see my life as nothing much over the course of being with him. At first, you just don't let it get to you- but then it creeps in and destroys you- the abuse. He would say things liek he was pursuing a woman that looked like the model version of me- and was going to ask her out- knowing it would trigger my bdd. He would just needle his way at me - I would be sitting in his car whilst he would go out and buy perfumes for the lead up to xmas for presents to send to these Russian girls he had visited before and was going to see again. Even though I was tech like his partner but without confirmation from him. And then when I would think about leaving, even when I left and went home- he came over to visit and stayed at my place and then asked me to come back with him. which I was silly enough to do. But that is how it ended with me at the airport after a few months back.

Anyways - Im over all this - it was in 2007. And it took me 9 years to really even get over it. As before that I was scared of men even as I had been raped by my boyfriend when I was 14 ( a time when I thought babies came out of your bum) - and my highschool days after that went seriously downhill with eating disorders and then severe social phobia and bdd..

Anyways after 2007, it was extrmemly hard and yet I got throught it. There was 6 months where I basically didnt talk to anyone at all, I slept all day and was up all nights and never saw the daylight. Then I did a forrest gump and forced myself to get up and stay up all day and ended up walking everyday all day, around the town to try and clear my head.
But I did end up binging on food as I was so malnourished from bulima and was dependent on duiretics at the time. I started eating and eating and eating to get up my nutrition and I got annoyed when I started putting on weight - so I walked everywhere to try and counteract that. Being skinny like a boy was a big safetly thing for me. It meant that I didnt have to feel certain things I think.
I still have things like that in me.

I was walking weverywhere and pushing myself and eating better and then putting on some weigh tand muscle. I mean - but I was obsessed with my body at the time as he had said that I was pale and sickly and needed to have some muscle on me. So I got into that. And my bdd for years was about that.

But it took going to my therapist for 9 years and pushing myself and blunting the blows by putting on heaps of weight up to 82 kg on my frame for many years and basically giving up my life and hanging out at home and doing things for my animals and folks rather than face my own despairs.

It wasnt unti 2 years ago that I felt ready to try again and I got the disabillity pension and they pushed me into working. Which then, where I met Rugs- pushed me into loosing weight and then I was more indepenedent etc.

Rugs has helped me learn that not all men are horrible and dictative. They can be vulnerable and not even scarey like I thought. They dont always have raging hormones. I mean, Rugs can go around and flop his downstairs exposed and make silly squeezing noises.. (which is kinda obscene and immature) but it makes me so much fearful than I ever was about men.

i guess that was part of the attraction, that he can be so low key- and that has lead me to believe that I am worthy of a relationship now and has started to take away all of the nasties that came from the past.

But its jsut hard because I do care about Rugs and I feel like at times that I can make everything better. And that it just all comes down to my attitude and my own self care stuff. And I think that partly that could work.

But then, I know that I will always want more and always feel disappointed with him and always cringe at certain things he does and certain things he doesnt do and also hinder and get frustrated with his insanity...

I mean - its terrible though, because I am aware that I am not being true to myself by being with him- yet I do care for him and do want him in my life- but I just dont know where he fits just now and things will just end up - or could end up really bad and I dont want that. And the fact that he just accepts things when I say I dont like certain things about him - it makes me broken hearted because I realise how low in self esteem he prob is - even under all the self ego and delusions of himself- you put him in society views and he crumbles I think and hence schizophrenic anger issues .

And it makes it so hard because I really really want to help him. I know that I can to some degree and have done already. I feel like I have dealt with and really actively learnt so much and still learning that I have things to give him. But the sad thing is that its a reality that his condition means that he can only do so much and that him just being how he is now may be a golden mile to what he perhaps has been in the past idk. And maybe I jsut cant see that.

But of course, staying home all of the time and getting depressed and no responsibilities and nowhere to go and no money... that's not good for him- unless it was positive to him I guess. I mean, when I was like that- I was never really depressed and maybe he isn't idk,but I had quite alot of passions - I was out on my parents property and when I wasn't in agoraphobia land - I was landscaping and making a garden and taking cuttings from walks and playing with my chickens and doing art and things like that. I was also reading so much about things I could do to get me in a life that would banish negative feelings and anxious feelings etc..

I just wish that he could see and Ive tried to encourage and show him that he can do anything that he wants - that anything is possible - that he can ehlp himself - that he can be in control of his life etc. Because I have learnt that in big ways myself. Its just that I dont want to be preachy to him and he is just very set and seems to be content in letting others kind of run his life. Its just so small and lacking and so immature. No kidding him and his sister are like 12-year-olds. And love delving in aggressive spite privately about others.
Which I guess is a thing with schizophrenia. I guess it makes me want to do it about them actually. It travels.

There are just so many values that I have adopted and done the hard yards to even realise them, and when I see that he and his sister are not even aware of these things - it just bugs me.

They are not even aware of their own patterns. There is nothing new that they do- they never leave their comfort zones and always in a cycle of spite, addiction, self-oppression etc..

I mean there is a responsibility we hold and most people don't recognise it. We cannot rely on others for it either. And I had to learn big time about it.

So it bugs me that Rugs and his sister are going around completely clueless of this responsibility and it makes me feel kinda repelled because I just dont want to have to stoop low and forget what I have learnt and at the same time not be preachy.

We have a a responsibility ( I know I should talk right lol) to make ourselves happy and thus make others happy. I wish that they could see that they are their own answer. They have the power to get out of thier unhappiness.

Im thinking as today - for once in sometime, Rugs is actually out and spending time with his friend in the city. Usually when I am ever home away from him I feel guilty because he is just there on his own and bored and wanting to get out. But he would before I had to acutally do a big assertive talk to him - come and interfere and hijack what ever I wanted to do at home. He can be so demanding for his time and that has been so hard for me. And I always feel so guilty when I know that he is at his place and wanting to get out and spend time with me (even thought he is always with me- but not always with me mindfully). At least today I dont have to worry about feeling guilty for wanting my own time to do things. I always feel like I am under pressure all of the time from him.
He would even beg sometimes in the near past to come with me whilst I take mum shopping ( which wasnt practical seeing I have a little car and not much room for shopping) but then he would get annoyed at my mum taking so long and demand that he deserved an ice coffee or something like that..

Values vs dysfuntional.
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Old 06-11-2017
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So - okay- at this point in time I'm just getting out whatever has been circulating in my brain things that I havent been able to for some time. ITs been too hard to unravel and actually have a whole day to sit and face. Ive just really been complaining and not getting to the heart of it.

So if for now I ( at least today) I am thinking that I still want him in my life. That he still has a role in it and even though things have been lost with him and I know that most times I see him I think differently and feel differently. That I feel so disappointed - and that there is no romance there if there ever really was (even though it's in his delusions on his end).
And that I am playing a role and its unfair.

I feel like I am always running around dumbfounded and blinded with stress and frustration and over doing myself for him whilst he is just within his own simple life and not thinking much of it all and just being all loving in his ways and that is it. lol

I feel like I just need to deal with my own lack of things at this point. So at least I know that he will likely be a disappointment to me. As hard as I hate admitting that and that I will always feel heartbroken for him- in feeling like I am not genuine in my feelings.

I feel like such a fake.

Its not fair to him. But I feel like still hanging on.

I feel like if I can just have the time to get back up and work on myself again- for a year I have neglected myself since we've been going out. And know I am just in a mode of trying to maintain what little is left of my true best self.

If I can work on myself again and if he can give me the space to do so, I can learn to re-love and get back to that level of re-inventing my self-identity and pursuing my goals from there - being personally happy with myself first and then I think - whatever I choose I can deal with this relationship in a much better way. Maybe even influence him.

I dont want to give him pressure and always complain and so forth. To avoid that, I work on myself. Build myself back up, go back to my values and re-instate them.
Start to work on me to feel good and better and better about myself again. Put myself first again.

I have told him this and always telling him this. That I need that time to do this. He says I always say that and that I should go do it, but he would always interfere and I couldnt do it. So Ive had to tell him that other day.

So even though it can feel wrong, because when he is home and lonely and bored..

but i told him I am not his answer to all of his lacks as that is not fair. I told him that for how harsh it was. An Oprah moment I guess. For me anyway. It was hard to do. Whether that sank in or not.

Im very good at feeling compassion for him and not realising my own for myself. This week, even though I told myself I wasnt going to.. After each whole day at work ( where its a travel to get to) - I would get home quickly have a shower and quickly make my tea and then drive over to his place completely and physically exhausted as I hadnt even sat down all day. To go to his double garage where its freezing in the night and be ignored in his way- the entire time. Hitting my head in my mind thinking why did I do this again..??? But I know why, because I didnt want him over my place to sleep again- it ends in such awkwardness. He ends up raiding mums food or something. And Im in between it.
Id rather just go over his and deal with it. Even though I am fulling over- pushing myself severely. Ive been so sick lately with 3 flus and over doing it still. I didnt really get a break from Rugs in the last flu as he still wanted to come and be with me. Even though I wanted to be alone. Even though I tried to show him that.. I just couldnt tell him to go home then.

Anyways.

Yeah, I feel like I just want to change everything again. I have the power to do so because I have done so many changes in my life its not funny.

I want to go back to being in a state of living through my core again and completely ditching all these addictions of processed foods again. It bugs me because I finally through hard resistance got into such a golden spot for over a year of avoiding processed foods and leaving the dogma society and into a high raw vegan world. It was amazing, everyting in my body lit up. I was on a role and what ever feelings I felt I would never harbor them. That is what raw food does, you cannot really stuff your feelings with raw food. You have to confront them.
You feel things and have to deal with them.

I want to go back to that. And go back to being authentic and that raw vegan girl, and feel so fit and energetic and be so much more intune with what my body and even my feelings needed and wanted. It sounds hoohaa but its so true. For me anyway.

Ive recently adopted new kinda people I admire like guru type people. Something I never really realised I admired - a trait of purserverence and diligence. I really admire these things and one person that I seem to like is Sergei Polunin ( he is one of the worlds best ballet dancers and got famous from a Hozier video clip). Just ballet dancers in general- they have so much dilligence and self motivation its crazy. To actually sit and watch even children who aspire to get into the Vagna Ballet School and see just how dedicated they are in their whole lifestyle - from such a young age. I guess this is something I never really felt I had.

Even so, a ballet dancer has so many demands - not only physical but mental too. And precision and co-ordination and everything that they do in their life is realted to their ballet goals - its crazy. So I jsut cannot stop watching these ballet people because it probes me into wanting to get those values into my own life.

Be the one that does what she says, that finishes what she starts, that excells and builds on things, that is passionate and that believes anything she puts her mind to that she can accomplish.

Those sort of values. I like to try and inspire. I feel like I really want to shok Rugs through my own goals like this. To be able to show him- look anything is possible.

I mean- just not sure yet what that is. I mean I have my raw foods and working out and feeling great . Maybe I want to study nutrition or write an eBook or start a company on health lol ? I dont know yet. But I do know that its been really hard putting myself last in this relationship and even harder trying to put it the other way for a while.

So that there can then be a balance.

He has agreed that we need structure anyway. And we have a blackboard calendar on his door. Its just him needing to add to his days and sticking to them.

If I can just try to find some balance atm. I mean having to spend every single day with your boyfriend for a year and getting no individual time to yourself - thats not great and creates repel.
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Old 06-20-2017
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Ive had to really adjust my priorities this week. It was too much last week and the stress drove me into my pms more and my and deep into anxiety.

Ive been so stressed. My whole body has been so over exhausted. I keep pushing myself too far all the time. Not listening to what I need and just out-doing myself with no time for me. I always figure that if I do this - like ust get this over and done with and please this person or this person and go out of my way - then I can relax afterwards that I have done that and thts its out of the way and then I can concentrate on myself.

But it doesn't work like that. Being so exhausted and frantically making and packing my food to go over - and then driving over and then carrying my heavy bag. Im so tired of it. Ive had to compromise and get him to drive to get me and pick me up.

Even though I've maybe wanted to stay at home. It's just, again and again, I keep on feeling edge when I'm at home- like I'm being waited on and then just end up going over there because I know he wants me over there. It's not bad being there- I mean we watch films now that he doesn't sleep real early anymore.

But its just that I feel so drained because Im dating a guy that sees nothing in acting like a boy- being silly and immature just like when you were 12 years old or younger and that is irresponsible in his life that he cannot even be relied on basic adult responsibilities. His dad keeps his dole money so he is always asking for a few dollars. Like today, asking me if I had $3 for an ice coffee and then pushing it and asking for popcorn. There was a time when I would jump at buying him things all the time. Like every day or so. Im talking junkfood, small things and so on. It was fine, I like doing that- but it was excessive an Ive learnt to stop it now.
ITs just when he asks me for things like today. Like he comes over to my place and we take the dog for a walk and he asks me if I have any money for an ice coffee. Its just really annoying because he lacks being able to have the money to do those things himself and Im left in a postion having to feel guilty or feel kinda used even. I just feel so annoyed.

He just cant take me out and take me somewhere new or do something on his watch- his idea. He cant take care of himself and he surely cant take care of me. I mean he can take care of me by being nice and caring and all that- which he is good at- but when it comes to being a man and actually providing and stepping up and having ideas to show me a good time and taking me out. I mean he drives and can take me places but its always the same - we go where its up to me- just down a park or the next town. If he wants to go out somewhere- like out out' we go to a small town a little further away - somewhere he goes and we have been over and over and over again.

But anyway- the point being that he is just not on the same page as a most. And its so frustrating because the way he acts all silly and immature whilst having no job and no money and no ambitions and yet being fine in asking me for money and bombarding me with all this lovely dovey cute stuff on his fb page towards me excessively. I just get so stressed.

Ive had a long break from society and responsibilities. Only now and im really starting and trying to get on my feet and try to get independent enough to have a better future for myself. And I realise that it comes to what i do and how I think and everything. And making goals and believing in myself etc. Where as he is just like a baby and doesnt seem to be able to even have the ability to even set a goal and acheive it. But i could be wrong. I just have a big stance towards his lifestyle and his views on things and how he behaves. He lacks so many things. I just feel like telling him. I mean, he is just weird and odd and so stupid in the sense of how he acts almost like a retarded person and that just gives me feelings of repelled and drains me. I dont support so many things he does and his sister and their views and lifestyles and yet im hanging out with them. It just stops my own ideal lifestyle and hobbies and goals to some extent. I find myself saying no I cant do that because I wont be able to because he will want me over his place all the time and so I cant you know- grow my wheat grass and things like that lol as an example.
I hate going over to his place and seeing still dog urine under the couch on the lino floor - that was soaked with newspaper still left from the night before and all these tobacco leaves everywhere and I mean everywhere.. and I get so ill from smelling his rotten feet. He came over the other day and was horny and he took his shoes off and socks and he had these extra long yellow twiney toenails and a horrid smell. I jsut cant kiss him either. I just cant- evertime he does when we are intimate - I cringe inside. His yellow teeth and strong smoker's mouth and breath. Not to mention he isnt vegan. I know I sound so terrible - I think so badly and I know I am responsible for this. ITs just hard because I do have a heart for him and I know Im being selfish because Im getting some things out of the relationship, and its my first real relationship and he is a very nice man. Its just he is kinda well nuts ' really and its the feelings from that. I dont want to be that.

In 2 days it will be our anniversary. I just wonder if he feels that I am not genuinely all there with him idk. But there is a time for me to in person let him be aware of these thoughts. I mean - if you ever hang around with people that act in a way that is kinda retarded and immature and they lack responsibilities - dont you jsut want to yell at them at some point and let them know how disrespectful to themselves they are you know.
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Old 06-21-2017
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Im not sure how to tell him that he lacks so much responsibility as though he is unaware of it. Today he was supposed to go to his volounteer work fro 9:30 to 12.00 and he just drives out and then goes to get his ice coffee and then comes back and says he cant be bothered. Giving no notice to them.

He doesnt realise how lucky he is with his family and things he has. I get being ill. But he is not like I was when I was really ill- when I had agoraphobia and was housebound and social phobia part of the cycle was that I was so embarrassed of my situation. I felt so bad towards my parents that I would clean the house and cook and things like that to make up for it.

Anyways I'm sure there are parts of him that feel similar to this. But because his sister is like him and they both are dysfunctional- they seem to not think of it as different as much, no embarrassment that I can see but I dont know.

Im just want him to realise and be respectful enough to realise what exactly is he doing in his life? He doesnt deserve me because he is not making any effort to get on his feet at all.

He cannot make goals though and go through with them. I realise his illness needles into things that he may seem capable but in reality is not. He needs a reality check because its not fair. I want him to realise these things and maybe try to get help for them, but I know he wouldnt.

In the mean time, being with him is wasting my life. That is why I am so angry all the time in a mean way. I want to end it but then I see him and its just so hard. Its a toxic co-dependence a bit at this stage. He has good things about him - but the basics are just not there.

There is no way I could have a child and settle down with him. He cant handle any responsibility and its very sad.

Im just in a situation where things are fake and Im playing a role. I like things but its not a mature relationship.

I want to tell him that I want a man that is able to look after me, esp if I have a child. And its not going to be him and I dont want a child with him anyway because his family is plagued with dysfunction and illness.
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Old 06-21-2017
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There is no way I could have a child and settle down with him. He cant handle any responsibility and its very sad.

Im just in a situation where things are fake and Im playing a role. I like things but its not a mature relationship.

I want to tell him that I want a man that is able to look after me, esp if I have a child. And its not going to be him and I dont want a child with him anyway because his family is plagued with dysfunction and illness.
Well i think you have shown that it won't work out between you longer-term, as you each have different goals, and i VERY much doubt he could be a good father to the child. So it just cannot work, end of story, eh?

The question is, how much longer are you going to stay with him? Clearly there are still things he is offering you, at an emotional level, so maybe you'll stay with him a little longer? Or until you find a more suitable man??
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Old 06-21-2017
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Its the eve of our anniversary today. I feel like I just need to blurt out in person all my woes of this relationship to him. I just feel dragged down all the time. I dont want to be his parent - I dont want to carry resentment.

One thing that makes me angry is that I bought him an iphone (2nd hand 5s) for his bday in may because his old $50 phone was cracked and took bad photos and videos which he uses all the time. Low and behold, its june and he still uses his old phone to take videos and photos rather than the new one because he reckons the cord doesnt connect to his laptop- therefor he cant properly upload them. So he just uses his old phone for that.

Which makes me so angry inside. I spent $245 on that for him for photos and videos and he is going around with that old cracked phone instead to use. And for me to fix it - so that he does use it- im going to have to buy him a new cord and configure his laptop because he cant do those things.

And then I get to thinking that on his bday, I remember he had $50 in his pocket which is a rareity for him. And i asked him if that was a present. And his answer was no- and that he had saved $50. And he had another $50 too. And that weekend he visited his best friend and they jammed and spent I think $100 on ice drug.

This made me angry of course. But besides the drug thing, Im thinking that, he can save $50 then? And he owes me $100 from this concert at the start of the year. Which he said he would pay me back. I come to think its too hard for him to save. But he did it then. And this concert was in Feb.

Not only that, but he has owed me forever. The amount of money I have spent on him is stupid really for nothing in return.

I feel like an idiot more. I feel used from his ignorance. I remember crying last year because I wanted him to get out of the house as there was a street party on in our home town and it was fun to go to. I had my mum and we went out for tea and I thought I might ring him up and ask if he wanted to come and have tea with us and have a look around as he was missing out. There were movie posters being sold - all kinds and I thought he could have a look with me. But what happened is he didnt really want to go but changed his mind as he wanted to have a seafood platter. So my mum and I waited and ordered and he came and said helllo - was distant and kinda rude (his illness) and then when he was finished, got up and left to go to go home and that was it. And then I paid.

I got so upset. And I took mum to the supermarket and sat outside. Mum said he was very rude and that he was using me. And I felt like nothing at the time. Yet he didnt even know that he was being like that- he was just thinking about his music and not really wanting to be there other than have his fav meal. he was so selfish, and rude it wasnt funny.
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Old 06-21-2017
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Well i think you have shown that it won't work out between you longer-term, as you each have different goals, and i VERY much doubt he could be a good father to the child. So it just cannot work, end of story, eh?

The question is, how much longer are you going to stay with him? Clearly there are still things he is offering you, at an emotional level, so maybe you'll stay with him a little longer? Or until you find a more suitable man??

Yeah.

I just need to talk to him and let him see what I see. I feel like I can have my boundaries from him - my separate life - increase that and decrease the time with him. Im getting to a place now where nothing with him seems worth it. I seem to hang on by a compassionate thread. It's disheartening because he is boy disguised as a man. I never thought any guy would be interested in me - and still have this old school bad thinking beliefs in the back of my head that leaves me there I guess.

But Im feeling gradually more confident to break the mould and just tell him like it is. Because its so retarded that he cannot see - and I know its his illness- but I dont want to be stuck in this irresponsible childish relationship- I just feel like saying to him to grow up and things half the time. I dont want to be his parent!!

OMG- its like an Oprah moment - he needs one. I think today- I am just going to talk to him IN PERSON (eek) about what is bothering me with him. All this stuff- things I would usually write to him about - but Im not- I am going to talk to him about instead.

If he wants a relationship with me and actually wants to be with me- really he needs to step up to the plate. But I say this- but I just dont know if I even want that anyway.
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Old 06-21-2017
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Talked a little about it today on the chat. He doesnt completely get it when I say being responsible. He thinks he is.

I got quite upset telling him what I thought and felt and needed. Quite hard to do. Not broken yet.

But gave him a supposed wake up call.

I get annoyed though. Because in my own personal wrold - my health has broken down and my weight gone right up ever since him.

Testimony to seeing a photo of my behind that he randomly took on our walk yesterday. Post it on FB and I see a large rump and legs now- Im like - woah that has happened. And my thighs rub even now. Ive put on such alot of weight over this.
And that is disheartening considered how much I worked on my wieght and health prior.

At least Im now after a few days - been staying away from the processed stuff. And getting my nutrients and wholefoods back in and trying to eat slow and not rush all the time.
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Old 06-28-2017
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Okay- tonight I am actually at home for a night again. I dont realise how much I spend nearly every night over Rug's place.

He asks me if Im going to stay over his. Like, in my opinion, for him to come out and ask me or even say he wants me to stay over - is to me something that he is crying out for - so I do it. And its a not a sex thing, he really hasnt got much of a libido. Its a company thing.

But its very frustrating out of all the things in this relationship that is dysfunctional and tiring- one of them is when Im staying there each night and I feel so overpowered and frustrated within my body- as if its yelling at me not to be there.

As im in an environment and around a family that are almost the opposite to me in my lifestyle and values and beliefs and habits.

Ive already sorted out that this relationship is not going anywhere for me. I know that. And I also know that also, for the time being Im just not ready to give it up. Its may seem selfish of me, but there is a role this plays in my life and of course I am aware of that fear of being alone and feeling the gap. I feel like I can cope but its the other end on his side that I feel tremendously weighty with.
Also though, I feel like I can just let this play out. But this time, now more than ever - Im getting to the point of pushing myself - im getting so much better at it from a little practice - that I can put myself first more and more. I can put my foot down and actually listen to myself - and actually, say - hey I need some time out.

Its just been extremely exhausting for me this relationship and Im at the point where its as though I have chronic fatigue syndrome or something. Ive been so, so stressed and mentally and physically exhausted for 4-5 months. Ive had 3 flus in a row and Im always strained and straining my body - over doing it when I need to be resting.

Im always stressed thinking about things in this relationship and getting so frustrated and annoyed and upset and then theres the other side where I decide to just forget about it all and forget about myself and just make him happy and be childish and have a laugh with him and be reckless.

Whats so frustrating is when he wants to spend time with me all the time, yet cannot entertain me, cannot initiate anything. He can come over to my place or I go over to his and he will want to do something or go somewhere but it will be up to me ti find us something to do all the time. And it will 99 to 100 percent be out of my pocket too. I feel like the man, I am the one driving him out places that I have been, but showing him- taking him places. I am always trying to make him happy, trying to help him out of his depressive seemingly blank/anxious slump. Fully knowing that it is a failing battle. Fully knowing that I am not going to get that awareness/conscious-more appreciative mind frame from him.
We cant even talk about things really - most of the time, his communication with me is very silly and childish and silly gibberish of joking behaviour, like that of a 10 year old.
He cant seem to see what I am doing with him all the time. That I over- excert myself over and over and over again. Always rushing as he always wants to be with me, yet when he is with me he is not with me. Im like a thing in the background or something. He hasnt the abilty to surprise me, really initiate to do things for me, to go out of his way for me- to do the things like I have done for him. I mean, he can do things if I ask, but it he wont go out of his way unless I make him.

Even when I am over his place or so- I am still trying to get his attention. Because going out with him is like going out with someone who is never present with you. He just lacks reaction most of the time to most of anything. Except if its gifts or things like that. I mean, dont get me wrong, he can comfort me and and realise when Im down and things like that and be the nicest guy ever, but it will be for a short time - until he goes back into his own private world where your locked out. Where he is content to ask you over like its a life death thing- really want you there- and you go over even though your exahausted from work and would prefer to stay home in your own comforts for once. And so you sacrifce, and you know that he will for most of the night , go about his time on his computer, then having his coffees and going outside to smoke and then going to bed early. Whislt your just sitting in the bed on your laptop feeling frustrated and upset and annoyed. Even when he says we will watch a film, his mind can change and he will not have the patience to do so.
He has no idea how hard it is to be in a relationship with him. That is the really sad part. I mean I have a heart for him, but its just sooooooo hard.
I come from a codependent mindframe from my mother. I cant help but be motivated and to care and to want to do my best for him. When a person you are close with, comes over to your place and tells you that he is happy today because his hair is good and he is feeling realy good - yet has no plans and looks at me to see what we are going to do...
you know- thats what I mean.
Yesterday- I was so grumpy. I spent a night at home for once and in the morning I just got this overwhelming grrumpiness followed by copius amounts of crying fits and total depression. I was whaling uncontrollably.

I was crying because I was reflecting for once. In this fast paced no time for myself relationship. Having the time to reflect it becomes emotionally biased - because I feel like Ive given away so much of myself that wasnt deserved by him. Most of this relationship has been about me making him happy and going out of my way. And it was a bitter and steep learning curb from the begining. It was mind boggling having to do things for him- as though he was the girl.
I guess, he has no money and that is a big issue. And no matter the rare times I have had to mention it to him and talk about it being an issue. nothing changes. His dad still controls his money.
Its retarded.

Things with him make me so angry and I can bottle it up. Like buying things for him and him not appreciating it. Like buying him vitamins like flaxseed oil tablets (vomega 3,6,9- good for schizophrenia and mind boosting tablets and vitamin/mineral) that he took once and noticed an improvent but forgets to take after that. Despite any attempts to help him. I end up taking things home because its wasted on him.
It makes me angry when he just lacks anyresponsibility like knowing that his fish food is runnning out and he needs to gets some before that- or knowing that he needs to refill his fish tank that has gotten green again- that could be avoided if he cleaned the filter every morning - even though he is home everyday of the week (if Im not taking him somewhere or hes not over my place). I mean- atm his fish are once again swimming in green goo and he still wont even wash the filter. And even though he got his pension money the other day- he wont ask his dad for $12 to get some new water fo the tank- he says he is broke.
But yet he can afford his 30 plus $ in cigarettes and his ice coffees.

ITs so hard to go out with someone when they have no money.
Literally.

In the beginning I feel so repelled looking back because there I was- not knowing the severeity of his illness- but kinda knowing but not consciously seeing it. I was spending so much money on us going out all the time- eating out - and he would order the $$ meals whilst I would just have a small bowl of wedges being the only vegan choice anywhere and that was cheap on my end. I would be spending money on meals for us both, using my car everywhere to go out- my petrol, he would ask each time I went to the supermarket when I spent most time (still) at his place and needed to get some food- he would ask me for something- even coming in with me and selecting things he wanted me to buy for him like $5 packets of yoghurts and some lollies and always ice coffees. I would be compelled to say yes- as ive always had a hard time with assertiveness. And its so uncomfortable to have a bf with no money follow you around the supermarket as you get things off the shelf for yourself. Its just a horrible feeling. And even then, last year in September, I remember getting a shock seeing my savings dramatically dissapear from all the spending. And then I got my first speeding fine that I had to pay too. I remember feeling so stressed and insecure. And then him asking me if I could buy him some 'smokes' - (fully knowing that it was against my values to even buy those disgusting things) but yet they are like $30 plus dollars. He just seemed not bothered in asking me. Even if he said so many times esp going out that he would pay me back- if he found something at a 2nd hand store of so. But he never did. He still owes me $100 for going to a concert at the start of this year. He never will.
I get so many things for him. I feel so ruined with him. I feel like he gets what he wants with me- everything in his room - so many things I have given him- even the damn bed I had to buy things for - bamboo underlay to help the bad matress that slopes- bedding... pillows, so many presents for him. I guess I just feel lke most women and weigh it up and I cant think if that word but it does create that.
I just need to let it go. But things I remember like last year, at my birthday and I decided to go to this wildlife park nearby. Which cost $11 -$14 to get in I think. I usually pay with my card- and he had notes. But he said that he wanted me to pay with my card to make it quick and easier. I didnt want to but I did anyway. And he said he would give me money later. Then at the end when we finshed and I was staying over his place and needed to buy some food- we went to the supermarket and he just never paid me back. He bought himself food instead- whether or not he remembered i dont know. But the thing was I was pretty hurt that day - because it was my birthday and I just felt so drained from having to have him take from me yet again, esp on that day.
It just seems that everything about this relationship is centered on me doing the work for him and the lack of anything form him. Even though he tries- its like he has to told to be able to consciously make an effort. Its like from the begining as though he didnt know that it was wrong for him to except me to pay for him to go to the movies or things like that. And its as though he thought a gf was something to obtain and not have to work with/for almost. I remember him when we first went out that he said he really likes a girl with blonde hair and was hinting to me of that. As though he just didnt really see me for me - just as a girl that he could go out with and maybe change how I looked to suit him. Even tell me how he didnt like me to dress and that I should wear makeup like his sister. I tell you, that really spurred my BDD. But you look at his sister and theres no way you would want to put makeup on like that ..
anyway. I guess Im just going that neuro pathway tonight.

I used to think that being in a relationship, that the man would take you out and make you feel special. I guess it's not the case in this one. I mean he can make me feel special- but he just can't do anything for me unless I ask.

I was annoyed last week. I keep my emotional boundaries with him now- Ive done so since almost the start of this year.

But last week was our so called 1 year anniversary and that morning before I went to work he was talking about it how we made it and it was an ancheivement and he was really happy about it and that we should do something.

That day I went to work. Hard days labor and I come home after 6.5 hours and not having time to sit for a break/lunch - I drive half hour to home and he messages me and asks how long I will be- I'm exhausted like most work days - yet as its our anniversary I think that I should spend the night with him. So, I push myself beyond my exhaustion ( which I do most nights for him) and quickly make my dinner and then eat my dinner and then pack my bag- not gettting a sit down yet... body aching etc.. feeling so tired and dizzy.. and then I have a shower and a knock on the bathroom door and he says he is here earlier.. and his siter is with him and they are going to wait in the car ( I had asked him to pick me up rather than me drive myself there as I could have a crash from exahaustion). And so I rush and get all my things and get dressed.. and cary my heavy bag into his car..
Where I find him and his sister in the front seat talking about his sister's (who is schizophrenic too) issue with some girl from her past.. this issue she always brings up about this guy she liked and his step sister said she had slept with him to annoy Rug's sister. This happened back in 2010 or later. And she goes on and on about it all the time like it happened yesterday. She has pyschosis over it all the time. But to get in that car and hear them both laughing and talking bad things about this girl that said those things- that Rugs was actually partaking in indulging with his sister's mental problems made me feel so uncomfortable. I did not want to be there- because those 2 do not even have a recognition of any form of self concept and self development of what they are doing and it felt sick to actually see him encouraging her like that.


Anyway, we get to Rugs place and his sister is joining us for the night on request of Rugs ( she hasn't been very well at all- had psychosis again- quit her job and been suicidal). I go sit in bed and she sits on the couch and Rugs asks me to log into my Netflix account on his computer which is hooked up to his tv.
He then asks his sister what she wants to watch and shows her around Netflix. Then chooses something she would like to watch (that I had and we had already seen). And she watches it but he has to fast forward most of it to just see the best bits and that was it. He took a blanket from me in case she was cold.
He took alot of care in entertaining her and making sure she was comfortable and neglected me. On the night of our anniversary. And I was left there, just deciding to tune out and not even want to be present.
I ended up being so exahausted and just going to sleep - but being so frustrated and screaming inside that I just didnt want to be there. I felt such a waste to my time to be there. It jsut didnt seem fair. I thought that perhaps it may of been a night where we could actually- or he could be present with me and sit and watch a movie together again.
But it felt like I was there for my Netflix instead. Which wasnt the case. Its just his attention flows from things so easily. And he was worried about his sister.
But them two together feed off each other in the worst ways= its like being around to unappreciative, spoilt, immature, dumb adults with negative thoughts/beliefs about people and things. Its just something that makes me cringe and not want to be a part of - I do not support thier views on things. Its funny howI can spend nights with Rugs and he cant hardly say a word to me- but the minute his sister comes in- because they have things in common and are so alike with the same mentall issues- they strike up conversations and he is engaged and lively- and that is something that I find so hard to get with him. Thier values are non existent in many departments and just not qualites that I want in myself tahts for sure.

Yet - if you think about how much he just doesnt know though. I mean, the other day he said something about a stool. And i made a joke about a 'Sunday Stool' which he didnt get and that is because for some wierd reason - of him being 33- he didnt know that stool meant regarding going to the bathroom. And there are so many things that him and his sister - I am just so surprised that they dont really know much at all. Basics.
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Old 06-29-2017
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It seems to me like the #1 reason why he likes you, is due to your ability to entertain him - take him places, buy him things, fill his mind with positive things. But of course it has ended up that he's the cozy rug, & you're the doormat!
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Old 06-29-2017
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So this happened a few moments ago:

I am annoyed at you and I don't feel well.
Why are you annoyed at me?
Because I always feel it's up to me to entertain you. And you don't seem to have it in you to do the same for me. When I choose not to be the one initiating anything, then there is nothing to do. You just cant seem to intiate anything most of the time - all of the time. I have always felt like I am the man and your the woman.

Your a F$$%head
I prob am.


And then he quit the messages. He always finishes with xxxxx and hearts and things and this is the first time he hasnt.

I was pretty mean. But I had an exahausting day and yesterday at work and he was home doing nothing and to be able to talk to hi - he has been acting like a retard. Saying wee wee and silly things when Ive tried to have conversations with him. I cant get anything out.
Ive just been so wrapped up in it. I feel really bad now. And thats the first time he has ever really been mean to me.
But I cant help how I feel and there comes a point where things need to be out in the open - be an adult etc.
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Old 06-30-2017
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He almost seems (& his sister) like a jekyll'n'hyde. One minute all playful/giggly & seemingly innocent, the next really nasty. I have often found that people with people with intellectual/etc disabilities, that they have a really vicious/nasty temper, which is why i generally hate those people, as they spout out vile nasty words & attitude at the drop of a hat - "proper" people don't do that. They think their disability & "hand" in life gives them the "right" to be foul & antisocial towards others, without any risk of punishment, nor without any responsibility. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't cut it for me. They're just lazy loser slackers, who're too lame to work on their anger/jealousy/etc issues, that's what they're problem is. I'm not saying rugs is exactly like that, but he does seem to have a few points in common with those types? Rant over
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Old 06-30-2017
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Well that happened. Funny thing is that well I understand ive been getting wound up in the frustrations and travelling down the neuron highway of compounding negativity to adjust my feelings. Rather than just listen and feel them.
So when I wrote to him last night - it was in that mind frame. So he swore at me last night and went to bed and that was the message I got. Then in the morning he apologised and told me he won't hold grudges and that it was yesterday and knows how I am at the moment.

But he just doesn't even take in - at least from what I can see - ( but I may be wrong) of the detail of what I wrote. I think it's clear that it wasn't intended to be offensive but more of a desperate plea of frustration towards him. It was me asking for my needs in this relationship- and it just feels like he is incapable of listening to that because I feel he is unable to comprehend and work something out from it.
He came to visit me this morning. I was in bed and he came to say hello. He has good intentions all the time. But it's uncomfortable when he just sits there unable to make any conversations with me. I'm the one initiating conversations to him, otherwise, he just sits there blankly. Or goes on his phone and watches his heavy metal guitaring real loud. Which can be very irritating because it's in your face music. I basically have on sided conversations with him. He won't seem to put in an effort to talk to me really. It's like his symptoms are worse at the moment. I'm just so sick of it all being on me. I'm the one that has to give and initiate all the time to make this work. But he doesn't or can't do the same. So it's a lot of energy on my part. It's so awkward when we are together - when we message and when we see each other. We have nothing to talk about. He won't put in a social effort other than turn up. You know I cant just sweep my needs under the rug and forget about them. He is not in a position to be able to articulate much, and lacks any mental energy to even do so. Everything about him is simplistic without depth. Regarding this relationship that is from what I experience. Its likely a different story inside his head. I mean, I know its the illness and Ive read about these symptoms. Its just he cant. And that is that. To be in a relationship with him means to have unmet needs - not communicate, be in his world almost all the time and be away from your own in consequence, be able to deal with his very immature and childish comical behaviour and really only be able to communicate through that. And then also deal with his internet weirdness on fb and things like that. Which can be embarrassing.
But I guess the frustrating thing is the non communication as that is the key to a relationship.
I mean I just want to make things right. For what ever this relationship is - I dont want to be in a negative way anymore through these frustrations. I guess Ill just have to educate myself more. Whether this jsut turns into a friendship or even loose one over time I dont know. Im not sure how he is feeling with me. It seems like he just feels overwhelmed with my frustrations on him coming out all over the place all the time. Just when he thinks he is doing okay i guess, I shock him with another frustration message. I find it very hard to hold the frustrations in- I just get so overwhelmed and it conflicts with wanting to live authentically. I want to be authentic and that conflicts with being with him too. But I see a grey in the black and white. But the feelings of when I have just given up and feel so flat and de-energized from it all - and when he is over and I decide not to intiate - then there is actually no effort in him. Its like someone coming over to say hi and then just sitting there and not talking to you or anything for the whole time there over. That is bascially what he does. This whole relationship is me making an effort- when I close down- and wait for him. Having disappointments all the time because there are times he can and times he cant and its up and down all the time. Its actually so heartbreaking - hes an ill boy disguised as a man that seems can seem like a security that itsnt at all.
And i hate that at this point from last night that he cant even get construction out of my attempts- rather he sees it as me being ill and lashing out.
But its like, soooo hard. Hes in his own selfish world by no fault of his own. Its the damn illness. I hate how unfair it is- that his expectations of me are rewarded and mine are aunable to even be acknowledged most of the time.
I know I know..
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Old 06-30-2017
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So Ive been looking around on Schiczophrenia.com - particuarly this page :

Schizophrenia.com - Help with schizophrenia, living with schizophrenia, FAQ for spouses and partners

and their family forum. It is distressing reading all this and acknowledging those similarities.

I just need to do my self care again and get into that mindset where I was loving myself and feeing happy in my own time. I want to get out of this overly extreemly stressed- anxious body and mind and back to where I was prior to him. At the same time of trying to balance this.

I mean, I just dont get how he can completely emotionally withdraw with me and yet expect me to be there for him. I know its the illness but its just heartbreaking - it makes you feel like nothing.
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Today I've taken a sickie. Right about now I would usually be rushing and driving home and having little time to myself and be exhausted from exhaustion.

But Ive had a good relaxing day. I mean, Ive still got alot of mental stress from things, but having a day to myself has helped.

I've been so up in stress and emotional pain with all this that I've not even been able to deal with my own stuff.

But today, I took that time out, and I just have a glimpse of where I want to go. I get annoyed because it's half way through the year and a year has gone since I first went out with Rugs. And it's like what have I done? Because up until that point I was really pushing myself to get somewhere. I think one the hardest things with recovery of social phobia is the
instability that anxiety can bring. Well with myself personally anyway. Having to tred carefully and be aware of your realities but at the same time also be committed to believing in your goals and achieving them.

I always want to change my identity. My social phobia goes up when I don't look after myself and my self-identity. I mean, becoming that ideal vision of myself, adopting new values and things. I know that Im not well at the moment because I havent been caring for myself.
Ive been in a bad way.

But what I want is to find that best self again. Through doing my raw foods - and healing my stress with nutrition and rest and exercise and managing this relationship with Rugs through understanding and outside help and saying no more often.
Getting out of the dependency of it. Creating boundaries.

I want to be authentic, get my energy and love back, and feel that awesome clear and rbgith and openly flowing again (thats the raw foods that does that) and be more in tune with myself and actually be able to in a gratitude and more understanding disposition.
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