Och aye the noo

I know that. I lost all my friends in less than 3 years. I tried contacting them again, at least to drink a beer and talk a bit. But not even the closest friends, who were like brothers to me, showed any interest. So I became no more than a thumbnail on Facebook for them. Not to mention, how much I helped them with their businesses and even with problems in university. I saved a friend's @## 3 times when he was feeling depressed about his studies, but these days he would barely talk to me.
He only cares about boasting his accomplishments on Facebook.
And unfortunately, people become much, much more judgemental after 30, it feels like you're supposed to fulfill many more expectations of social accomplishments to be accepted by others.
I remember, there was a time, from the 80s to the early 2000's, I could see more people trying to contact old friends, sometimes even the shy or more awkward people after some time without talking to them. Like they really wanted to keep their friends, no matter how introvert or financially accomplished they were. But I don't see people doing it as much these days.
So if you want to avoid people who don't value your efforts, than so be it.
I decided to cut people who abuse and disrespect me too.
We can't let others drain our energy when all we want to have is a decent friendship or at least, some respect.

Avoiding people is easier said than done for me - being physically disabled kinda mean I rely on people more than I should. Not that I want to. On top of that the people I really want avoid are my family.

But they're constantly manipulating me with the whole "But we love you, we'd do anythin' for ye" routine. All my attempts to make them see how they've wrong me gets turned into "Eh, we do a lot for you, you should be grateful". So I'm kinda stuck between doing what I think's best for me, and tolerating the people who made me feel miserable and insecure, whether they intended that or not.

Deco said:

We can't let others drain our energy when all we want to have is a decent friendship or at least, some respect.

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Aye... And maybe someone to help us through the tough times?

Graeme1988 said:

Aye... And maybe someone to help us through the tough times?

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Exactly. At least we have these forums to vent, to have some fun and discuss these things!

Am startin' tae lose any hope of things ever changin'. Ma mental and physical health is going downhill rapidly. Ah'll probably deid afore ah turn 40. Ah just feel perpetually stuck, never allowed tae progress any further. Despite wantin' to. Ma family continue to make ma life miserable. Ah mean, it's a bit late in tha game to start givin' a f _ _ k about ma depression, when it just enduced laughs 10 years ago. Because depression's a joke, innit, folks?

Ah've made nae secret about tha fact ah've still struggle with it. Yin uh ma main reasons for avoidin' folk to be honest. And yet aw ma attempt tae reach oot tae ma family huv left me feelin' more alone and isolated. Treated with contempt. But then ah never could talk about things with my family.

It's strange how this time last year ah hud so much tae look forward to, this year's no different and yet ah don't feel tha same excitement about spending most of August in Edinburgh. It's just feels... meh! :idontknow:

Ah think ah'll kill masel', am oan tha verge of a nervous, mental breakdoon anyway. So, y'know, ah might as well.

Ah huv'nae bin happy for years. :sad:

Eh, ah dinnae think ma last post is any way deserving of a thank you, but whatever.

If yer going through similar feelings, just yer no' the only yin - even if it feel like it.

Stay strong, everybuddy.

I'm startin' to seriously huv ma doubts about whether things will change.
It feels like it's too late tae start learning stuff ah should've been taught in ma teens.

Ah'd say that's ma biggest regret, not pushing for ma own independence an' happiness, despite the physical disability. An' speakin' up for myself. Instead ah jist relegatin' maself tae a life of co-dependency, tell folk what they want to hear, constant compromise an' misery.

Sorry, just ventin'... Hud this oan ma mind, lately and need tae get it oot.

It's become more and more difficult to keep my spirits, and be all upbeat. I feel depression and anxiety are slowly draining the life outta me, and I don't have the energy to even care... :sad:

Graeme1988 said:

Am startin' tae lose any hope of things ever changin'. Ma mental and physical health is going downhill rapidly. Ah'll probably deid afore ah turn 40. Ah just feel perpetually stuck, never allowed tae progress any further. Despite wantin' to. Ma family continue to make ma life miserable. Ah mean, it's a bit late in tha game to start givin' a f _ _ k about ma depression, when it just enduced laughs 10 years ago. Because depression's a joke, innit, folks?

Ah've made nae secret about tha fact ah've still struggle with it. Yin uh ma main reasons for avoidin' folk to be honest. And yet aw ma attempt tae reach oot tae ma family huv left me feelin' more alone and isolated. Treated with contempt. But then ah never could talk about things with my family.

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Yeah, it sounds like you're in a wee bit of a "downer", for sure. But all things pass, good and bad. Nothing is permanent.

Nobody TRULY finds depression to be a joke .. if they "laugh" about it, then its about sth else (or perhaps their shallow view of what depression is). I mean, if they haven't experienced it first hand, like you/me/others, then they can't possibly know that it's sth to be taken VERY seriously (& certainly sth NOT to be mocked/ridiculed/etc for having)

I view depression/mood problems as like pushing a large/heavy boulder up a hill. You gotta constantly keep pushing (& hard), else if you stop & "rest" for even a moment, it will start to push you back down the hill, & right to the bottom if you let it. That is, once you've had depression/etc, then the tracks (in brain) are laid, & for the rest of your life u must be constantly vigilant, and constantly fighting the downhill slide. Thats my experience anyways.

Sorry, ah dinnae realise someone hud replied to me.

I get what yer sayin'... Ah just don't know if I can keep battling on. Is it worth it? Ah mean, lately it's just be so draining to even get outta bed in tha morning. Plus, I have accept the fact, my mobility is getting slowly worse. And that's an emotional downer in and of itself, I'm already reconsidering the idea of independent living - since that hinges on where my referral for surgery gets the go ahead.

Not to mention there are people in my life who should've told to f**k off years. But they need me more than I need them. Anyway, that's enough from me for now.

:kickingmyself: Must every decision I make have be approved by my f#*%in' mum?! For f#*% sake! :kickingmyself:

Graeme1988 said:

I get what yer sayin'... Ah just don't know if I can keep battling on. Is it worth it? Ah mean, lately it's just be so draining to even get outta bed in tha morning

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Would that be due to the pain? or dpression? Ah just spent basically 4 days solid stuck in bed, due to low enrgy, things gettings on top me, anxiety, my inability to handle change/chaos/flexibility, my compulsion to only want to do thngs via habit not initiative.
So yeah, my current life is pretty much absolute cr*p for the most part, & has been for a few years now. But i keep struggling on .. maybe due to habit (which i find comforting).

theslowesthand said:

Would that be due to the pain? or dpression? Ah just spent basically 4 days solid stuck in bed, due to low enrgy, things gettings on top me, anxiety, my inability to handle change/chaos/flexibility, my compulsion to only want to do thngs via habit not initiative.

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Ah'd say it's probably 50/50, tae be honest. Since both kinda go hand in hand for me.

theslowesthand said:

So yeah, my current life is pretty much absolute cr*p for the most part, & has been for a few years now. But i keep struggling on .. maybe due to habit (which i find comforting).

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Ah suppose ah do tha same 'hing. But ah feel like am strugglin' on in tha hope that things might change for me yin day.

I am totally knackered. Ah need to cut back oan going to concert - 2 within the space of 3 days. Thankfully, there weren't durin' the week. Though, last night was total quality. Wus a bit nervous going tae a music venue ah hud'nae been tae afore, but it turned oot ah wus worried fur nowt.

Just wish ma anxiety would f**k right off. :kickingmyself:

Thinkin' aboot recordin' masel' playin' the guitar, but am still no' sure aboot it. Since ah huv'nae really played much in tha last 10 years, an' ma playin' skills are really rust in terms of technique. Plus, am no' a virtuoso guitarist like f**kin' Satriani or Steve Vai. So, that shows ye tha level uh confidence ah huv in masel'... :bigsmile: I'm toying with the idea of recording a cover of a song, despite those not being great for me in terms of playing accuracy and memorizing guitar parts very well.

Also, tryin' tae lose weight is f**kin' difficult, innit? Am yet tae see any weight loss result.
Ah'd huv thought ma tits would, at least, be a cup size smaller by now.

Graeme1988 said:

Thinkin' aboot recordin' masel' playin' the guitar, but am still no' sure aboot it. Since ah huv'nae really played much in tha last 10 years, an' ma playin' skills are really rust in terms of technique. Plus, am no' a virtuoso guitarist like f**kin' Satriani or Steve Vai. So, that shows ye tha level uh confidence ah huv in masel'... :bigsmile: I'm toying with the idea of recording a cover of a song, despite those not being great for me in terms of playing accuracy and memorizing guitar parts very well.

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Same here. Sometimes i think about starting playing the guitar again. But i seem unable to, due probably to habit (i'm not good with non-habitiaual things). Especially when i'm drunk (like right now) .. that's when i kinda wish i could play electric like some of the greats that i like listenig to. Or drums.

Graeme1988 said:

Ah'd huv thought ma tits would, at least, be a cup size smaller by now.

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That's a funny thing for a male to say!

theslowesthand said:

Same here. Sometimes i think about starting playing the guitar again. But i seem unable to, due probably to habit (i'm not good with non-habitiaual things). Especially when i'm drunk (like right now) .. that's when i kinda wish i could play electric like some of the greats that i like listenig to. Or drums.

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Ah actually started playing the drums, realised ah was shite, an' switched to the guitar.

Ah recently picked up the electric guitar again, but couldn't come up with anything. Couldn't even think of a song ah'd like to learn. Just totally blocked. Which was depressing.

Ah wish ah could play like some of greats when am sober. Keep in mind, ah used be one of those fannybawz who thought if a song "sounds easy enough" so it'll be a piece of piss to learn. Wrong!

theslowesthand said:

That's a funny thing for a male to say!

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Ah thought you'd find that funny... :bigsmile:

Ah feel like crap, lately. No been in the most positive mindset lately. Can't seem to concentrate, or stick with things for long. Be it trying to lose weight an' get in shape, or simply huvin a conversation. Ah just lose focus an' zone out...

Also, am starting to really lose any hope of things changing for the better. Ah don't want to rely on the people around me for the rest of ma life just cuz I'm disabled. But ah feel that's the direction things are heading in, if things don't drastically starting looking up for me.

Ma life feels like a flipping Stephen King novel at the moment... Misery. :kickingmyself: