What is a relationship?

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Earthcircle

Well-known member
I'm afraid this thread will sound like a joke to many people. I hope at least a few people realize that I am actually serious. I am 48, and had a serious relationship that ended 15 years ago. I keep thinking that I want to be in a relationship, but then it suddenly occurred to me that I don't know for sure what a relationship is. The relationship I had 15 years ago was unusual, because he had AIDS, and the last several years of it was mainly consumed by medical things. I don't have a good sense of what a relationship is. What do people in relationships do?
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
I have to admit that I feel jealous when people on this site talk about their partners or spouses. I sometimes think "Your SA can't be that bad if you managed to form a family." That sometimes makes me feel like an outcast in this group. To make matters worse, I wouldn't know what to do if I were in a relationship again. What I recall in my last long-term relationship was a lot like nursing, and I know that's not normal.
 
mikebird

mikebird

Banned
You mean he died 15 years ago?

My relationship ended 12 years ago

I've been attempting repeatedly to attract someone else. There's more to the word. There's a need to build rapport between a partner, any friend, an employer, an employee, a pet, some children.

My life involved a lot of people who've died. Including famous people, who I never related to. Age gaps mean a lot.

Divorce?
 
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fadedteal

fadedteal

Well-known member
I'm sorry if I made you feel like that. Actually, that relationship was really short-termed, only two months, and it was the only relationship I ever had. I guess when a relationship is long-termed, lots of different consequences take place, and it all goes beyond than being only romantic, which is why it's more challenging than any short-term relationship.
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
The last therapist I had actually thought I was lying when I said I had a lover who died of AIDS. I don't know why I get along so badly with therapists. Well, of course, I stopped seeing that therapist immediately. In fact, I don't believe in therapy anymore. But that's a different issue. I wish I knew what a relationship was and how to have one -- I think. Sometimes I wonder if I really want something without knowing what it is.
 
Xervello

Xervello

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
I'm afraid this thread will sound like a joke to many people. I hope at least a few people realize that I am actually serious. I am 48, and had a serious relationship that ended 15 years ago. I keep thinking that I want to be in a relationship, but then it suddenly occurred to me that I don't know for sure what a relationship is. The relationship I had 15 years ago was unusual, because he had AIDS, and the last several years of it was mainly consumed by medical things. I don't have a good sense of what a relationship is. What do people in relationships do?
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First off, I'm sorry to hear about your prior partner. And again sorry for your circumstances. Why is it you've had so few relationships?

I understand the impulse/need to vent. Don't feel ashamed. I've often done that here, lol, and it helps though in the heat of the moment things come out inartfully and I, too, regretted some of what was posted.

As to your question, I don't know. I've never had an intimate relationship in person. Or online really either. Nor have I a friendship in many years. I guess it depends on what you want. What DO you want in your life? And can another person help with that? I guess that's the purpose of a relationship.
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
All this began when I was following the following train of thought. "The psychiatrist in 2007 said I am schizoid. But I know that's wrong, because a schizoid wouldn't want to be in a relationship like I do. Do I? I mean, how do I even know what people in relationships do? If I don't know what it is how can I want it? And if I don't know by the time I'm 48, how will I ever know?" So maybe I am schizoid. I can't say that I really want to be social anymore, since sociality is very opaque to me. Not sure what it is that I'm wanting anymore.
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
Now I'm really afraid that this will sound like a joke, but I'll say it anyway: I might prefer a relationship with someone seriously ill. At least that way, I would have a better sense of what I'm supposed to do.
 
Xervello

Xervello

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
Now I'm really afraid that this will sound like a joke, but I'll say it anyway: I might prefer a relationship with someone seriously ill. At least that way, I would have a better sense of what I'm supposed to do.
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I understand the thinking in that. But not the reasons. Why do you think that is? Do you have a strong compulsion to be wanted/needed? Do you feel unworthy of being with someone healthy and possibily rejected?

Aside from the realistic aspects of this conversation. Ideally... what makes you happy? CAN anyone make you happy? Either intellectually or physically or by making you laugh or challenging you emotionally. Sorry for being such a prybar about it, but I just wonder why not take a shot at a healthier relationship, both figuratively and literally. Easier said than done, I know.
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
Xervello said:
I understand the thinking in that. But not the reasons. Why do you think that is? Do you have a strong compulsion to be wanted/needed? Do you feel unworthy of being with someone healthy and possibily rejected?

Aside from the realistic aspects of this conversation. Ideally... what makes you happy? CAN anyone make you happy? Either intellectually or physically or by making you laugh or challenging you emotionally. Sorry for being such a prybar about it, but I just wonder why not take a shot at a healthier relationship, both figuratively and literally. Easier said than done, I know.
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I literally don't know what I'm supposed to do in a relationship. I don't know how to act or what to say or people in relationships do. If it's nursing though then I have some sense of my role.
 
rosewood

rosewood

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
I have to admit that I feel jealous when people on this site talk about their partners or spouses. I sometimes think "Your SA can't be that bad if you managed to form a family." That sometimes makes me feel like an outcast in this group. To make matters worse, I wouldn't know what to do if I were in a relationship again. What I recall in my last long-term relationship was a lot like nursing, and I know that's not normal.
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sometimes people with spouses or fiances etc and live with SA have been sought out by predatory and abusive individuals, and therefore those folks are not nec people one would want to have a long term or even a short term relationship with. not all of it is pretty...:sad: relationships are kinda out of the question for them...me...

please don't feel like an outcast. when you put feelings out here in the forum, even though people aren't all responding at once, i know they are rooting for you, i know i am. :thumbup:
 
Sial Axetder

Sial Axetder

1
Earthcircle, you know what a relationship is. You describe what it is to you in your own questions and answers.

A relationship is what you make it to be. Whether healthy or not. It is something like a connection between two or more people. The connections; possessing similar likes, dislikes, traits, positions.... it can go on and on. Also, a feeling of belonging can be felt in a relationship, a feeling of comfortability and perhaps feelings of love in romantic relationships.

It is always, rather it always should be, a two-way street in healthy relationships.
 
Solitudes_Grace

Solitudes_Grace

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
I'm afraid this thread will sound like a joke to many people. I hope at least a few people realize that I am actually serious. I am 48, and had a serious relationship that ended 15 years ago. I keep thinking that I want to be in a relationship, but then it suddenly occurred to me that I don't know for sure what a relationship is. The relationship I had 15 years ago was unusual, because he had AIDS, and the last several years of it was mainly consumed by medical things. I don't have a good sense of what a relationship is. What do people in relationships do?
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I completely understand what you are saying. Honestly, I wonder the same sorts of things as well. I don't really know what a relationship is either. I guess relationships are like friendships yet different in some way; however, I don't really understand how they are different from friendships. When is a friendship a friendship, and when is a relationship a relationship? It's all so confusing. I do wonder if the majority of people even know how to define things like relationships, romance, and love. I actually think a lot of people who want to find these things don't really know what they are.
 
Hellhound

Hellhound

Super Moderator
Earthcircle said:
I have to admit that I feel jealous when people on this site talk about their partners or spouses. I sometimes think "Your SA can't be that bad if you managed to form a family." That sometimes makes me feel like an outcast in this group.
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Trust me. Being in a relationship while you deal with anxiety issues is not very easy, unless your partner knows you well and understands what you go through.

The mind can be an arse at times, bombing you will all kind of insecurities. Yeah, fun stuff.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
I literally don't know what I'm supposed to do in a relationship. I don't know how to act or what to say or people in relationships do.
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The young 14-year-olds who suddenly discover the sexiness of the opposite sex don't really know what to do, either. The thing is that they try, anyway. Relationships shouldn't be a chore. It should be a fun experience for you and for him. Things may not work out in the end, but at least you had a good time and you've got those memories to go with.

You don't have to be perfect in a relationship (whatever that entails) - you just have to be real.
 
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