Diary of a Life Wasted..

[bsammy]

ill start this off by saying im 34 years old, about to turn 35, live in iowa...my entire life i have lived with APD amongst other things..i always knew something was very off with me but didnt know what....growing up i never had much ambition or motivation to do much of anything, i was always full of angst and confusion...i trudged through school and barely graduated high school...i never looked for a job but thru family i was offered them so i lucked out and got a job working for the postal service...i make solid money but could make more but that would mean more socializing which i cant do...the 40 hour work week and the socializing i do now just exhausts me and by weeks end i need saturday and sunday just to recoup enough to go back on monday and it all over again..

i was never really picked on growing up, always above average at sports, was considered good looking by girls growing up but relationships always felt like an absolute impossible thing to me... girls didnt get it and neither did i but i knew deep down inside i didnt have what it takes to sustain a relationship for any length of time.

i started reading about PDs about 5-6 years ago and then sought help and was prescribed many different ssris and benzos and some helped but they all came with side effects.so it was a constant yo yo effect with drugs so i got off them..i tried therapy for 2-3 years but it only helped slightly..now i have finally decided to manage my life through exercise, some alcohol and caffeine use.this combo works as well as any ssri i went on..

so here i am at 34 and i see my life as a wasteland..im to the point where i can socialize but only for small amounts of time, it exhausts me..i can barely keep friendships intact, just barely and only because i have friends that go out of their way to gdrag me places but they are getting fed up with it..romantic relationships just arent going to happen, i have tried, they go nowhere fast, i simply cant keep up so its pointless..so i work, have a few hobbies i somewhat enjoy and the rest of the time i spend tired and haunted by all the wasted time..that is my life really.ugghh, it hurts to think about it..

anyone else the same way?in the same position as me, age wise?


i look back and think of the lost chances both when it comes to relationships and life experiences...

 

[Blabla..]

Hey welcome ,

I find socializing pretty exhausting , but unlike you i do not want it anymore , so the time i spend alone doesn't feel wasted time for me ,

it's good that you got off meds , hopefully you will figure it out , it takes time , but i assure you your life is not wasted.

 

[u_name]

It doesn't matter, it's in the past. You can't change whats happened already, but you can certainly shape the future. When you're on your deathbed, the true measure of life will be how much you enjoyed yourself in general. You have from now until you're dead to enjoy your life.

I've set up a couple of goals, some easy to accomplish the others not so. But as long as I'm striving to complete them I know I'll be satisfied at the end of my life.
The 2 main ones are as follows:
1) Dig underground tunnels
2) Write a computer program that can "think"

As long as you enjoy yourself everything will be fine. What do you enjoy doing?

 

[bsammy]

^i forgot to mention i dont desire socializing anymore, very much a hermit but i find it hard to live in this society which is mostly xtroverted being the way i am.you have to socialize to a point in order to network, find jobs etc etc.

its strange as i spend most of my time alone but i dont know if i necessarily 'enjoy' much of my time alone..it feels like im recouping most of the time from work or socializing.i find it very difficult to just enjoy life.hence i feel ive wasted much of it compared to most people.

 

[Ms Cloud]

so i work, have a few hobbies i somewhat enjoy and the rest of the time i spend tired and haunted by all the wasted time..that is my life really.ugghh, it hurts to think about it..

anyone else the same way?in the same position as me, age wise?

I'm the same age as you (and also a hermit). I have the same feelings about my past as you do, except I usually try not to think about it. I ask myself, what would I do if I'd spent all those years in prison and I just got out. That makes me a little bit more motivated to make the most of whatever time I have left, and to not keep putting it off until I'm old.

It's hard though, no doubt about it. It's hard to get into the habit of doing the things that I actually want to do. My brain seems almost hard-wired to think I'm not allowed to do those things. But that's stupid because there's nothing else to aim for in life, other than doing whatever makes you feel good. You have to figure out what that is, and then find a way to make it happen. Within the bounds of reality, of course.

 

[bsammy]

^yes it almost does seem like we are hard-wired to be hermits.at least in my case i have such a low amount of energy to socialize that its almost pointless to go out anymore.

i just hate that i have to force myself to go out these days.plus i have found it quite difficult to explain to women i met recently how i have lived the past 20 years.it is extremely diffcult to play it off correctly.if you are 100% honest then many women are going to run.lol.

i know thinking about it does no good but our past is what gives us identity.as it stands right now i almost dont even know who i am, what i want.how do i even start in living a life?i have met women and did the one night stand thing but it felt so hollow to me as i was supposed to be doing this sort of thing 15 years ago, not at age of 35!its like i find myself trying to make up for lost time and its crushing.a vicious cycle..i just cant imagine what the future holds.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

I'm 47 - it's never too late to start living your life.

you don't need to look in your rear-view mirrors to go forward

just do the next right thing and keep moving

 

[Aletheia]

People are exhausting. Even writing here leaves me so drained that I have to stop for naps. When I was working, I did nothing but work and sleep, which wasn't much of a life.

I've been reflecting a lot this year, something of a mid-life crisis. I look back on my life and the careers and families that I almost had but didn't, and it leaves me wondering what on earth it's all been for. "Haunted by all the wasted time..." is beautifully put, and strikes painfully home. I've lost years treading water and I'll never get them back.

You do have to figure out what makes you feel good, as Ms Cloud says. I've never known what I've wanted, so I've never had anything to strive for. Is it any wonder then that I've ended up with nothing?

(coyote, that Anais Nin quote is so true.)

 

[bsammy]

^yes i find people beyond exhausting even the ones i LIKE..very few people understand why i have to stay away from them much of the time..

and yep, i think about past relationships that never had a chance to grow and lost job opportunities but then i realize, it was meant to be...i simply could not keep up with the social demands of a serious relationship or job where im surrounded by people.even on my best days(which are rare) i could barely live a somewhat normal life.if im working full time, thats all i can do as it drains me completely to the point where i have to have the weekends off, not to party but just to recoup to get ready to work the next week.i have very little social life, with work i simply dont have the drive or desire to get out there and socialize.it simply is not there.i find this simply leads to even more avoidance of people and isolation because when i do manage to go to a party or whatnot, i realize just hos different my life is compared to most.it gives you a bad feeling of not being able to keep up.the vicious cycle continues

i do have a few things that make me feel good(running, hobbies sometimes) but i still feel very out of whack because my life isnt close to normal.its just the fact that i cant live a normal life is what kills me so in many ways i have no choice but to continue to waste my life..

 

[Aletheia]

if im working full time, thats all i can do as it drains me completely to the point where i have to have the weekends off, not to party but just to recoup to get ready to work the next week.

I needed all weekend to recover from the previous week. Not that I ever got much of a weekend, the hours were relentless. I never got a chance to recuperate, and I'm pretty sure that contributed to my breakdown.

yes i find people beyond exhausting even the ones i LIKE

One of the problems I've had in making friendships stick is that I haven't always had the energy to spend much time with them. Which probably means that they end up thinking that I don't like them much. But I do, I do! I do want to be their friend, it's just hard work.

i simply could not keep up with the social demands of a serious relationship or job where im surrounded by people

Three different ex-boyfriends have had babies this year (well, their partners have), and that's been difficult to watch. I have to keep reminding myself that I've avoided having them for good reason: I couldn't manage the demands of parenthood.

I love my nephews (and they seem to love me back, which is awesome). But three hours with them and I'm knackered. It's not just that it's hard work keeping up with them physically. Worrying that I'm going to do the wrong thing makes any interaction strenuous, and I worry all the more with them because they're children. What if I scar them for life?

Not to mention that I find noise difficult to tolerate, and would have no idea how to organize things like birthday parties. It wouldn't be fair to anyone concerned.

 

[bsammy]

^^i guess that is my biggest point or complaint, how are we supposed to have any sort of 'life' whatsoever when we are basically crippled in many ways?it seems we are stuck with doing the bare minimum and getting by.

 

[theslowesthand]

Low energy. Introverted. Yep, got that.
It's quite an "art" to handling life when you're like this.
Get plenty of sleep & rest. Eat healthy food. Etc. Doing all this MIGHT JUST allow you to have "ADEQUATE" energy (for the "basics").

 

[cowboyup]

Hi Samy -

Please know you are not alone, though times it seems so. It's difficult at times to see through the clouds. It is good you got off the meds. Doc put me on antidepressants/benzos also - I'm 8 months clean. haha! coffee/alcohol does seem to ease the razor sharp edges, I agree.

I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. I am 42, single, and see no prospects of marriage - or dating for that matter. This weekend, on Thanksgiving no less, I found out my 'baby' sister got engaged. I struggled to say congrats, as bad as that sounds. Deep down I am happy for her but sad as I 'reflect' on my stupid, wasted life.

on a lighter note.....
The people here are wonderful, and I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in this SA/GAD/PA world we live in. (though I would never wish this on anyone)

Easier said than done, but try to keep your chin up and try not to dwell in the past (at least not so much)

Read what others post here, it's not all bad and sometimes you come away with a better understanding, some good tips or just comforting words

 

[OceanMist]

^^i guess that is my biggest point or complaint, how are we supposed to have any sort of 'life' whatsoever when we are basically crippled in many ways?it seems we are stuck with doing the bare minimum and getting by.

Well, that's definitely a valid complaint. I believe that there really is no way to enjoy life to an outstanding degree if you are as shy as me.

When I had friends, I was still depressed and anxious most of the time. I had a g/f and still wasn't very happy.

We have to make the most out of our situation. I've accepted that many people will have better lives than me.

It sucks that most people don't understand how hard a SAD person's life is. My problem is so bad there are certain things that are impossible for me to enjoy, mostly social things.

 

[Nanita]

I´m 30, I have been a half-living half-dying zombie most of the time for the past decade. Even if I sometimes have courage do things, go places, meet people, it doesn´t really do it for me and it doesn´t last - nothing lasts for me, I keep getting bored with living, too nervous around people, depressed, and basically I loose interest in doing things or being with people.
I´m in a relationship now. But I feel that I´m not able to function in a relationship because I´m so depressed and tired of living, and because of the expectations a partner always has about me socializing with his family and friends - which is like impossible for me.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I´m 30, I have been a half-living half-dying zombie most of the time for the past decade. Even if I sometimes have courage do things, go places, meet people, it doesn´t really do it for me and it doesn´t last - nothing lasts for me, I keep getting bored with living, too nervous around people, depressed, and basically I loose interest in doing things or being with people.
I´m in a relationship now. But I feel that I´m not able to function in a relationship because I´m so depressed and tired of living, and because of the expectations a partner always has about me socializing with his family and friends - which is like impossible for me.

I can relate to what you are saying. It feels likes my life's a routine. I wanna try something new but too anxious to begin or to meet new people. My bf's expecting me to get close with his family. He says i don't put an effort to get to know them. he doesn't know that it's really hard for me to do. Right now I can procrastinate, but when we become married I don't know how I could handle his families and friends. It's hard

 

[Nanita]

I can relate to what you are saying. It feels likes my life's a routine. I wanna try something new but too anxious to begin or to meet new people. My bf's expecting me to get close with his family. He says i don't put an effort to get to know them. he doesn't know that it's really hard for me to do. Right now I can procrastinate, but when we become married I don't know how I could handle his families and friends. It's hard

Yeah I know :: It´s difficult.
My boyfriend is very sweet and understanding actually. He has many times said that I don´t have to do anything that I don´t feel good about. Nevertheless I am thinking that in the future he will start having issues with my avoidance and discomfort around people.

 

[Aletheia]

nothing lasts for me, I keep getting bored with living, too nervous around people, depressed, and basically I loose interest in doing things or being with people.... the expectations a partner always has about me socializing with his family and friends - which is like impossible for me.

Oh I relate to this so much.

 

[bsammy]

cowboyup-same, here i dont see a serious relationship ever going anywhere.the idea of it sounds great but once i start the socializing part it just becomes exhausting.yes im the same way when i hear good news about other my same age..im happy for them but i also realize it just further proves how different my life is.just reinforces more avoidant behavior imo.

Oceanmist-i have to be honest i find it almost impossible to enjoy life for the most part.i suffer from anxiety, depression, anxiety and boredom..i have found on a 'good' day i can enjoy a few things moderately..i have maybe 1-2 good a days a week.most of my days are what i call 'just make it thru' days where i do my typical set of hobbies just to get the day over.

Nanita-i have felt like a zombie for years..boredom is a constant running theme in my life..there are plenty of days when i am so crushingly bored with life itself but i cant seem to change it..i also have tried new activities and its so deflating because 95% of the time i dont enjoy doing them whatsoever.i do them more just to say 'i tried it' or to tell someone that i actually did something on so and so day..its ridiculous also because meeting new people is usually fun for most people, but not for avpders.i find it stressful and too much of an image show.

i dont want to turn this into a gender debate but serious relationships are that much harder for AVPD men..we are supposed to take the lead, the initiative in planning activities etc etc..i have found that the kiss of death for most women is a man that doesnt ever want to do much or socialize much..doesnt matter what he looks like.

 

[bsammy]

oh and when it comes to socializing with your boy or girlfriends family, the best i have ever been able to do is put on my gamest face and just pretend im having fun..i have never enjoyed these types of activities.almost always deep down inside im exhausted and almost counting the minutes to get out of there.im not sure but can an avoidant ever get to where he/she truly enjoys these social activities?