So i had a phone session with my therapist. it was frustrating. I hold nothing back in therapy bc i want it to actually help me and even if i'm ashamed of the truth i can't hold back.
According to the genius, medication would help me. REALLY? ok so i'm going to put a bandaid on an incurable disorder by pumping myself full of meds that will turn me into a complete zombie who is never hungry and never wants joy, love, sex, or anything that normal people want.
Everytime I've been on meds I get suicidal. Doesn't matter what the meds happen to be, the outcome is the same. I was even on a medication for my insulin resistance and it made me want to kill myself bc it messed with my hormones or something. I went through months and months fantasizing about how i could off myself. I even went as far as to write goodbye letters to my son, my mother,and my husband.
So i stopped taking that. Now genius wants to "try" something else to stabilize my moods.
My husband looks at me (when he's around) like I'm about to crumble into a nervous breakdown at any minute. I feel sorry for him. Living with me is like walking on eggshells even though i try so hard to be even and calm.
he never knows when i'm going to stalk off in a mood. Of course, he isn't really helping himself bc it's almost as though he knows all of my triggers yet constantly plucks at me to set me off.
I've gotten good at just walking away from him.
I think that's what is making me have a social phobia. I can't expect everyone to tip toe around my triggers so I just hide away from people so I don't hurt them and they don't hurt me.
I told my mother the other day I could be a recluse by choice. I'd spend just enough time in public to avoid becomming strange but the rest of the time I'd be home safe.
I may find a new therapist. I don't need one trying to shove meds down my throat. I get that they know more than me about mental health but they DO NOT know my body and how I react to things. I don't want to have my husband come home and find me lying in a pool of my own blood someday just bc some therapist put me on a drug that made me suicidal.
I'm rambling...sorry folks.