My counsellor

[emre43]

I say this out of kindness...prepare yourself.....it's tough love.....quite tough but only becasue I care.

1) You have built her up to be your dream woman, she is not perfect, you saw her for an hour a week? That is not enough to get to know someone (dont argue that with me just listen) Its not. Its didn't happen and its not going to.

2) There are plenty of girls out there who do not present themselves like that. You will never meet any of them with your current attitude. While you're busy obsessing over this counsellor (who isn't who you think she is-you only know her in her professional capacity and btw she could have been doing it for work experience shes young she needs a placement to get a job she needs experience. Lots of people volunteer this way shes not a saint. She did it for herself.And She was obviously inexperiened or she would have nipped this in the bud)


3) This is obsession. You can not deny it. If this was your ex-gf it would be also be obsession and unhealthy, You need to let go and move on. There are bigger things in life than romance. There are bigger problems in life. (While I realise that to you this is a huge problem, trust me there are worse)

I know I'm being hard on you but it's because I've followed this thread in the hope that you'll wake up, I tried nicey nicey and I just fed your misery, you need to let go. You need to be shaken up and really see this.

STOP TRING TO PROVE ITS REAL LOVE AND CONSIDER THAT ITS NOT AND YOU ARE MISSING OUT WHILE YOU'RE BUSY OBSESSING AND TRYING TO CONVINCE US IT IS. JUST CONSIDER THAT IT IS NOT.


Now life goes on. And believe me it does.

Thank you for you help, I really do appreciate it and I understand that I am probably being annoying, with keep reviving this thread. I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with you on a lot of what you have said; I'm big enough and ugly enough to accept it.

Believe me when I say that I have tried to get over her. I thought I had for about a month or so, but eventually the feelings keep coming back; I just find it so difficult to forget her. There are comments that you have made in the past that have helped me but like I said above the feelings keep coming back.

She is probably the most important person to have ever entered my life in terms of the help she provided me; my anxiety has improved immensely. Prior to seeing her she was everything that I had ever wanted in a woman and I thought didn't exist anymore. I didn't have to build her up in any way. I suppose the feelings are enhanced when you are sat in front of a beautiful young Greek woman and letting her into your most personal, private and intimate thoughts and knowing that she is the only person who has ever really listened to you; it has a strong effect.

She's the only girl that I have ever felt comfortable talking to; I just don't know how to talk to them. She was so softly spoken, which I found endearing and she brought something out of me that gave me the ability to make conversation with her and I did make conversation with her every week outside of our sessions.

I have seen two counsellors since and I feel that I am being pushed by them. She gave me time and space to do things in my own time and that was perfect for my situation. She was on a placement but I respect her for wanting to do something productive with her life. With her looks she could have got a job anywhere.

I am not denying that it is obsession either; nor have I anywhere. Also, I apologise for my ignorance but I am not sure what you mean when you say it is not 'real love'. It is definitely love as I am the one feeling and experiencing it. Obviously she didn't love me but I never expected her to. It is the only time that I have ever felt it; please don't take that away from me.

I find it really difficult to make these posts and tell other people in the real world about this and get my thoughts and feelings across about this because nobody seems to understand; I'm not having a pop, it's just a really difficult situation for me.

 

[-lonestar-]

I totally understand the feelings you have. This feelings are strong in young men who have been lonely. Its the best part of being a human being.

Her physical beauty matches her inner beauty. Its so easy to have strong feelings for someone who is easy to talk to and in turn show authentic care for your well being.

You must realise though, this feelings must remain in your heart as a way to guide you to finding real love for a woman, someone you get to know. Could you feel the same way if she was unatractive? I just wonder because so many times the way you see someone has to do with a combination of factors. Its a psychological transferrence from what godesses interpret.

Years ago when I tryed counselling, I realised I found it more comfortable speaking to female counsellors. My father never talked to me, my mother tryed and thus I find it easier to talk to her. I find it easier to speak to females because in my psyche they are the oposite in emotion of men. Women are more sensitive and have it in their DNA to be more caring.

Its going to be difficult to leave these feelings but eventually they will become memory/nostalgia. Do not regret any of this, just apreciate that you have the abilty to feel, that you are a human being and not a wild beast.

For me counselling went nowhere because I was told things I knew already. knowing something isn't enough the problem is breaking away from what you know and thinking in a manner that breaks away the thoughts that drag you down, my councellors didn't seem to understand what SP/SA is or aknoledge it as something serious.

I am glad you found a great councellor and keep what she taught with you always, I bet she's wishing the best for you. I'm glad you have shared your story here, its nice to hear you are doing well.

 

[emre43]

Could you feel the same way if she was unatractive?

I am sure that I would have had a deep respect for her but maybe that's a weakness of mine. I think that she is the only woman that I have ever actually wanted. If the only woman that I have ever wanted is an attractive, intelligent, kind, caring person than what chance do I have of ever getting another girl with all of those qualities.

She is the only woman I have ever felt capable of asking out. The only reason that I didn't make a move on her is because I feared being transferred to a different counsellor. I did actually tell her that I loved her towards the end and she seemed shocked but didn't transfer me. She asked me why I felt that way and I said your the only person that has ever listened to me. Which was true although not the whole truth. It was a factor but there were also many more factors. She replied poignantly by saying "I my have been the first but I won't be the last".

I'll get shot down for this but she means so much to me and I am not sure that I will ever find anybody who means more to me than her.

 

[-lonestar-]

find the psychology in the situation, trust me every man loves an angel. You will find someone to be with but dont go around falling for someone you barely know. If you feel that way it will end in your heart being broken.

 

[kilojoule]

Thank you for you help, I really do appreciate it and I understand that I am probably being annoying, with keep reviving this thread. I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with you on a lot of what you have said; I'm big enough and ugly enough to accept it.

Believe me when I say that I have tried to get over her. I thought I had for about a month or so, but eventually the feelings keep coming back; I just find it so difficult to forget her. There are comments that you have made in the past that have helped me but like I said above the feelings keep coming back.

She is probably the most important person to have ever entered my life in terms of the help she provided me; my anxiety has improved immensely. Prior to seeing her she was everything that I had ever wanted in a woman and I thought didn't exist anymore. I didn't have to build her up in any way. I suppose the feelings are enhanced when you are sat in front of a beautiful young Greek woman and letting her into your most personal, private and intimate thoughts and knowing that she is the only person who has ever really listened to you; it has a strong effect.

She's the only girl that I have ever felt comfortable talking to; I just don't know how to talk to them. She was so softly spoken, which I found endearing and she brought something out of me that gave me the ability to make conversation with her and I did make conversation with her every week outside of our sessions.

I have seen two counsellors since and I feel that I am being pushed by them. She gave me time and space to do things in my own time and that was perfect for my situation. She was on a placement but I respect her for wanting to do something productive with her life. With her looks she could have got a job anywhere.

I am not denying that it is obsession either; nor have I anywhere. Also, I apologise for my ignorance but I am not sure what you mean when you say it is not 'real love'. It is definitely love as I am the one feeling and experiencing it. Obviously she didn't love me but I never expected her to. It is the only time that I have ever felt it; please don't take that away from me.

I find it really difficult to make these posts and tell other people in the real world about this and get my thoughts and feelings across about this because nobody seems to understand; I'm not having a pop, it's just a really difficult situation for me.

I'm not saying this to you to stop you being annoying. To me it's like watching a form of self-harm. You're in self destruct mode.

She is not the only one to ever listen to you. We listen to you. Your counsellors since listen to you.

It is infatuation. Not love. You do not know her. You need to accept that if you're ever to move on

How can any woman ever measure up to an imaginary woman in your head. You've made her into a perfect woman-a total saint. Nobody is perfect. That's how you know it's not love. Love is about seeing the flaws and loving them anyway, accepting them anyway. You see no flaws. hence it is an infatuation.

If you keep it up, as time goes on she will become more and more wonderful in your head and more and more perfect. And you only stand to lose years and years to this self inflicted misery.


My advice, get out there. Meet some new people. Talk to some people. All those girls who you branded with names in your last post. You don't know them, you judged the but you should try talking to them, they are people too. And there are lots of people in this world it isn't just you v the world. Women are not all tramps accept for one Goddess. You really need to get out of your cycle of self pity if you ever want to know any of the great people the world is made up of.


I care and it's not about being annoying. Do speak your mind of course do. Sometimes we all need a big kick up the arse to cop on. This is your kick up the arse and it's for your own good. You need to wake up. enough is enough. It's time to move on.

 

[emre43]

Can we compromise and I'll go to Greece to find her?

 

[kilojoule]

Can we compromise and I'll go to Greece to find her?

hahahahaha

If you go to Greece to find her we will all go to Greece to find you and we will knock a bit of sense into you

 

[emre43]

hahahahaha

If you go to Greece to find her we will all go to Greece to find you and we will knock a bit of sense into you

Uh-oh best not risk it then.

 

[Agent_Violet]

hi there whew...just read this entire thread! interesting stuff i must say.

Sounds like you're in mourning. You seem to be moving in a perpetual state of loss and grieving from being cut off from your former therapist.

When someone dies what do we normally do? We memorialize them, think of only the good things,forget the bad,etc.

This is what you're doing when it comes to your ex-therapist. When she cut contact with you it's almost like she died because you'll never see her or speak to her again. Naturally you have to grieve. But for some reason you're not progressing in the process like people normally do. You're stuck.

People have been known to mourn the loss of someone they love for years and years. It's not healthy to do this to yourself. She is gone from your life and the probability of having her come back is very low.

You don't have to stop loving her. But you do have to start healing at some point. It's a conscious effort that you have to make every single day. Each day you have to promise yourself that you will find something else to focus on each time your mind wanders back to her. It's hard at first but if you're really disciplined about it, you'll find it gets easier with time.

 

[emre43]

hi there whew...just read this entire thread! interesting stuff i must say.

Sounds like you're in mourning. You seem to be moving in a perpetual state of loss and grieving from being cut off from your former therapist.

When someone dies what do we normally do? We memorialize them, think of only the good things,forget the bad,etc.

This is what you're doing when it comes to your ex-therapist. When she cut contact with you it's almost like she died because you'll never see her or speak to her again. Naturally you have to grieve. But for some reason you're not progressing in the process like people normally do. You're stuck.

People have been known to mourn the loss of someone they love for years and years. It's not healthy to do this to yourself. She is gone from your life and the probability of having her come back is very low.

You don't have to stop loving her. But you do have to start healing at some point. It's a conscious effort that you have to make every single day. Each day you have to promise yourself that you will find something else to focus on each time your mind wanders back to her. It's hard at first but if you're really disciplined about it, you'll find it gets easier with time.

Yes, this is a really good understanding of the situation. I wonder if the reason that I am stuck is because usually people have something to remember them by, like photographs, etc. but I have nothing.

 

[Agent_Violet]

Yes, this is a really good understanding of the situation. I wonder if the reason that I am stuck is because usually people have something to remember them by, like photographs, etc. but I have nothing.

sometimes having something to remember them by can do more harm than good. i think it's probably a good thing you're left with no reminders or momentos. think of it as one less thing to hold you back from moving on.
I held onto a partly used bottle of a loved ones perfume for about 8 years...I'd open it and breathe that scent in when i was feeling alone and sad. It only made it harder for me to let go. I finally got rid of the bottle and I'm glad I did.

when you're addicted to someone or something...best thing is to remove all traces of that individual or thing from your life.

 

[kilojoule]

V and I are like good cop bad cop hahahaha

 

[Agent_Violet]

V and I are like good cop bad cop hahahaha

lol usually i'm bad cop!

 

[emre43]

But you've both made me see the light. Your hardline approach actually did give me a kick up the arse - I'm not just saying that - and made me realise that I am being ridiculous. I still miss her though ::. But I am going to try to stop moping about and get on with things. You've got to keep giving me that kick though .

 

[emre43]

sometimes having something to remember them by can do more harm than good. i think it's probably a good thing you're left with no reminders or momentos. think of it as one less thing to hold you back from moving on.
I held onto a partly used bottle of a loved ones perfume for about 8 years...I'd open it and breathe that scent in when i was feeling alone and sad. It only made it harder for me to let go. I finally got rid of the bottle and I'm glad I did.

when you're addicted to someone or something...best thing is to remove all traces of that individual or thing from your life.

Oh man, that sucks!

I know that I said that I had nothing to remember her by, but actually there is something. I know it's silly but I have kept an appointment slip that she gave to me with her name on in her handwriting. I have told myself that it will stay with me until I'm old and grey...::

 

[kilojoule]

I'll give you something to remember her by, my foot in your ass heh heh heh

 

[Agent_Violet]

Oh man, that sucks!

I know that I said that I had nothing to remember her by, but actually there is something. I know it's silly but I have kept an appointment slip that she gave to me with her name on in her handwriting. I have told myself that it will stay with me until I'm old and grey...::

Have a burn ceremony burn the damn thing. Careful not to burn the house down.

 

[emre43]

I'll give you something to remember her by, my foot in your ass heh heh heh

And then everytime I think of her I'll always remember the constant kicks and pain that she gave me. Maybe it's not a bad idea lol.

 

[emre43]

Do you think maybe if I put them up in the attic it will have the same effect as destroying them? I don't want to go through the trauma of destroying them forever. If they're in the attic they will be out of my reach and I will be unable to look at them all the time (right now they're piled up next to my bed).

 

[JamesSmith]

Overcoming SA is not the same for everyone or else there'd be a strict guideline for all to follow and get better. So - ONE person MAY be enough of a start or even more than that for someone - maybe not for another - but one person isn't enough for YOU does not mean for ALL. There's a difference between trust and relying/becoming dependent on someone for everything. Having someone to connect/trust with more than others does not mean dependence. ONE person only of course can lead to this, so I agree, a healthy group of friends you could consider trusting and being comfortable with is the best thing FOR ANYONE and overcoming ANYTHING! But it's not either THAT or nothing. And rarely is equal level of trust/comfort, nor does it have to be.

You are right that starting with one person is a good idea. I agree.

You can't tell me though, that I'm different than everyone else with the topic that you suggested. Human beings have desires, and something every human being has in common is that we all desire a significant other and friends. We need these two things in order to be mentally and emotionally stable.

It's not a personal preference to have a strong desire to have friends and a significant other. Needing friends + a significant other is a human biological need in order to live a healthy life.

If you think you don't need friends and significant other, you are lying to yourself.