UnOccupied
Well-known member
I hope you all don't mind me venting a little, but i NEED to, both because i cannot tell my friends how i am feeling, and i feel like i need to tell someone who i don't fear will judge me negatively and put me down, and reject me what im feeling.
Anyway, i am just having such a tough time adjusting to school this semester. I am finally living with my close friends off campus, and they're about as nice as people can get, but i still manage to get into confrontations with them. This is mainly due to my mood which has been SO up and down since school started. The reason for my intense mood swings, i am pretty sure is due to the CBT which i started two and a half weeks ago. I felt i was making such good progress, and now that i am at school, it is so hard to continue believing what i am told to do in CBT. It is so hard to stay positive, when my anxiety levels are sky rocketed for about 75% of the day.
I know i only have a year left, so leaving is NOT an option. But, then on the other hand, i am so down that i have been having a few suicidal thoughts throughout every day i am here, which scares the hell out of me! That is besides the point though, because i would never do it, no matter how low i get. But, then on the other hand, even if i did go home, i doubt it would help anything, i would only be running away from the fear, which i know does not solve anything. But, maybe going home and working on this CBT, which will probably take close to four to six months to see any real noticeable results, would be my best bet, because it would actually fix me. I really can't even fathom being a normal social human being in society at all times, like i view other people as. When i am feeling good, i get down on myself, telling myself that i don't deserve to feel this way, and im making other people feel bad by looking and displaying so much happiness, but then when i get down, i have thoughts of suicide, and the end of SAD never seems close to being with me. It seems i chose the worst time to start CBT, because it focuses a lot of your attention on your thoughts, specifically your negative ones, and it is hard to deflect them when your dealing with them and high anxiety for so much of the day.
I JUST DON'T know WHAT to do anymore! I am petrified in normal social situations, and being at school is making them so much harder. Do i run from it, and work on my therapy 100%, which would make a lot of family members angry? Or do i stick it out for a year at school, hoping to continue my CBT, and get a descent GPA? A year is just such a long time!
In my CBT guide, the instructor tells us that SAD is a paradox, and sometimes the things we think are right for SAD are not. Like, he said that when he was socially anxious, he would get so angry and throw himself into highly stressful social situations and just hope it would go away. That's what i do ALL THE TIME, and i have no other option when im at school. But, then my thought is, is it really more healthy to just not put yourself in anxious situations at all?
I just dont know anymore guys, im so torn right now. I am glad i got to vent, as i don't have a therapist here(i am actually too scared to sit in our therapy waiting room, so i choose to suffer and not go rather than risk seeing somebody i know in there). I really wich i could have a middle ground between being home and being at school.
Anyway, i am just having such a tough time adjusting to school this semester. I am finally living with my close friends off campus, and they're about as nice as people can get, but i still manage to get into confrontations with them. This is mainly due to my mood which has been SO up and down since school started. The reason for my intense mood swings, i am pretty sure is due to the CBT which i started two and a half weeks ago. I felt i was making such good progress, and now that i am at school, it is so hard to continue believing what i am told to do in CBT. It is so hard to stay positive, when my anxiety levels are sky rocketed for about 75% of the day.
I know i only have a year left, so leaving is NOT an option. But, then on the other hand, i am so down that i have been having a few suicidal thoughts throughout every day i am here, which scares the hell out of me! That is besides the point though, because i would never do it, no matter how low i get. But, then on the other hand, even if i did go home, i doubt it would help anything, i would only be running away from the fear, which i know does not solve anything. But, maybe going home and working on this CBT, which will probably take close to four to six months to see any real noticeable results, would be my best bet, because it would actually fix me. I really can't even fathom being a normal social human being in society at all times, like i view other people as. When i am feeling good, i get down on myself, telling myself that i don't deserve to feel this way, and im making other people feel bad by looking and displaying so much happiness, but then when i get down, i have thoughts of suicide, and the end of SAD never seems close to being with me. It seems i chose the worst time to start CBT, because it focuses a lot of your attention on your thoughts, specifically your negative ones, and it is hard to deflect them when your dealing with them and high anxiety for so much of the day.
I JUST DON'T know WHAT to do anymore! I am petrified in normal social situations, and being at school is making them so much harder. Do i run from it, and work on my therapy 100%, which would make a lot of family members angry? Or do i stick it out for a year at school, hoping to continue my CBT, and get a descent GPA? A year is just such a long time!
In my CBT guide, the instructor tells us that SAD is a paradox, and sometimes the things we think are right for SAD are not. Like, he said that when he was socially anxious, he would get so angry and throw himself into highly stressful social situations and just hope it would go away. That's what i do ALL THE TIME, and i have no other option when im at school. But, then my thought is, is it really more healthy to just not put yourself in anxious situations at all?
I just dont know anymore guys, im so torn right now. I am glad i got to vent, as i don't have a therapist here(i am actually too scared to sit in our therapy waiting room, so i choose to suffer and not go rather than risk seeing somebody i know in there). I really wich i could have a middle ground between being home and being at school.