Social Phobia Isn't About People - Its About YOU!

Phobologist

Phobologist

1
Hi everyone, what if social phobia isn't really about other people? Remember how there are many specific social PHOBIAS, and how apparently, each person has a main phobia which is causing their problem? For example my fear is atelophobia - fear of being defective. Other folks have fear of being stupid, ugly, foolish, blushing, a failure, etc. Even if all your other fears went away, youd still be anxious around others until you abrogate this fundamental fear. Now, this is going to be a little bit shocking but I believe that.....


YOUR MAIN FEAR HAS NOTHING TO DO DIRECTLY WITH OTHER PEOPLE.


Okay, you probably are entirely lost by now and perhaps offended. What we need to realize is that our fear is about us, not about others. We have phobias of being defective, stupid, ugly, lazy, failures, blushing, and so forth. We believe these "faults" make us worthless human beings who don't deserve to live. Others scare us simply because...


IN YOUR MIND, OTHER PEOPLE CONFIRM YOUR PRE-EXISTING FEAR.


The answer to our problem is not to try and figure out HOW others can like us, or WHY they don't want to be friends or date us. The answer is to...


CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE ACCEPTABLE IN YOUR OWN EYES, EVEN IF NO-ONE ELSE LIKES YOU.


I know this seems like an insane statement, but the fact is that it's not rejection we fear, its the confirmation of our worthlessness. Without the existing belief in our own inferiority, there is no grave threat from rejection by other human beings. Furthermore, consider that we may not allways be likeable people. Some of us (ahem, moi) may even have a tendency to rub people the wrong way. But even the biggest douche-bag can make friends with other douches, and let's not forget even the columbine kids were friends with one another ;). Everyone can find people they truly relate to. I know it seems unthinkable but it is not. There is hard evidence this is true, for YOU. There really is no reason not to have friends other than a Phobia. No matter what kind of a dispicable person you may be, you can allways change. Therefore, the real issue is not whether or not we are great people, or whether or not others will want to be friends or date us,


WHAT MATTERS IS ELIMINATING YOUR PHOBIA, NOT WHETHER OTHERS LIKE YOU.


By focusing constantly on how much other people like us, we are consistently reinforcing the same negative thinking processes and beliefs which uphold our phobias. It may be helpfull to an extent to think about how to be more appealing, but it's not the solution. We must avoid this trap. We must focus our energies on finding the beliefs which make our fear seem reasonable, discovering the evidence supporting those beliefs, and DEBUNKING IT.

Feed back is greatly appreciated! :D
 
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Phobologist

Phobologist

1
Remus said:
It's CBT mate, most of us are aware of this
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I dont think so. Most people I have met on this site couldn't explain CBT if their lives depended on it. What I thought of was something even my psychologist hadn't told me despite our recent CBT work. I don't think many people here are taking serious stock in what I said.
 
E

Exposure

Well-known member
Hi Phobo , i really like your posts , their all very thought-provoking but this is where i stand . From what you were saying , i guess my main fear would be people thinking im a freak,weirdo,... , because of the way i come across because of my anxiety but i know this is not true , like you were saying , i have debunked it by basically stating the truth which is im not a freak,weirdo and that im like this because of my anxiety , which is not my fault , and lots of people are the same , but that doesnt do anything for my situation , i still find it extremely hard to go into anxiety-provoking situations because of the deep shame i feel , i wish i could get a EUREKA moment but i cant , great thread anyway , Robbie
 
Jake123

Jake123

Banned
funny-pictures-captain-obvious-cat.jpg
 
Noca

Noca

Banned
CBT has never really helped my depression as I never believe my balanced thoughts. Its behavioral exposure therapy has helped greatly with my SA though.
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
Exposure said:
Hi Phobo , i really like your posts , their all very thought-provoking but this is where i stand . From what you were saying , i guess my main fear would be people thinking im a freak,weirdo,... , because of the way i come across because of my anxiety but i know this is not true , like you were saying , i have debunked it by basically stating the truth which is im not a freak,weirdo and that im like this because of my anxiety , which is not my fault , and lots of people are the same , but that doesnt do anything for my situation , i still find it extremely hard to go into anxiety-provoking situations because of the deep shame i feel , i wish i could get a EUREKA moment but i cant , great thread anyway , Robbie
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Hi there exposure, Im glad I could help. Robbie, you may be closer to that moment than you think. Ive been having one of those practically every day for the last week and a half. I hope this disease is coming to an end. I think understanding that our SA is a genuine illness is part of the cure for us. But it's more than that. We must stop believing that we "should" be different. So long as feel this way we will experience shame, especially when we observe those we admire. I'm not sure how to do this yet, but I will post more as I learn. Have you seen my post on being vulnerable and CBT? You may benefit from the "So What?" therapy. Go check it out.
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
Liberty said:
I think that's a good post but what if you CAN'T debunk it. I mean what if you really are worthless?
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Thanks man. Well, were all in the same boat here Liberty, this is a fear we have to face. Perhaps we really are "worthless", but maybe...just maybe...were not. Facing that fear, it becomes possible to see that its how we think of ourselves, and not what others think of us, that really counts.

Remember, even the biggest douchebag has friends. Look at the kids who commited the colombine massacre, even they had each other. Just look at Adolph Hitler, millions loved him but he was a genodical maniac. ARE YOU A MURDERER AND PSYCHOPATH? Of course not. So, its not whether others like you or not that determines your worth, its what you think of yourself.

Now, maybe you really are worthless, and maybe youre not, but the first thing is to devorce your self-esteem from other's opinions until they hold a reasonable sway again. The second thing is to find something worthy in yourself. To be honest I havent really done this yet, Ive just stopped caring as much what others think. We will find a way, but only after facing the "terrible" truth about ourselves. For me this starts with letting everyone know my secrets. What about you?
 
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blue-roses

blue-roses

Well-known member
It might be a little bit "obvius" to some (myself included), but I agree that some others on here don't know what CBT is, haven't done it and really believe that the world is a nasty, evil place full of nasty, evil people that are against them. On my bad days I almost feel the same way; I'm sure we all do to some extent, but usually we realise that we're being irrational.

I'm loving all your posts, Phobologist - a chance for intelligent discussion and not just constant negativity and whining about virginity (no offence to anyone and I'm not referring to anyone specific).
 
C

chained

1
I came to this conclusion not long ago.. u have to except the person u are, find rself.. but it's just in theory.. don;t know if I can do it.. :D
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
blue-roses said:
It might be a little bit "obvius" to some (myself included), but I agree that some others on here don't know what CBT is, haven't done it and really believe that the world is a nasty, evil place full of nasty, evil people that are against them. On my bad days I almost feel the same way; I'm sure we all do to some extent, but usually we realise that we're being irrational.

I'm loving all your posts, Phobologist - a chance for intelligent discussion and not just constant negativity and whining about virginity (no offence to anyone and I'm not referring to anyone specific).
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On my bad days I am semi-suicidal, but at least now I am having good-days. Thank you very much for all of your positive feedback. I think its important for those of us who are making progress to stick together, support one another, and even more importantly, support the people who are totally lost.
 
Hellhound

Hellhound

Super Moderator
Let's suppose you are treated like shit daily, and not only in home, but at school and almost every time you approach people you are laughed at, criticized or/and rejected. Should I think that my fears have nothing to do with other people? I don't know if I should agree here...

But maybe i didn't understand too well what you meant in your post o:
 
Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
That sounds like PTSD due to bullying Hellhound, it's awful I know, I have anohter reason for suffering this, I think it enhances my already present SA, as I had SA before the trauma that made my condition much worse.

I dealt with the cause of the PTSD first and the SAD healed along with it
 
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