Social Phobia Isn't About People - Its About YOU!

[Hellhound]

That sounds like PTSD due to bullying Hellhound, it's awful I know, I have anohter reason for suffering this, I think it enhances my already present SA, as I had SA before the trauma that made my condition much worse.

I dealt with the cause of the PTSD first and the SAD healed along with it

Oh, i'm sorry to hear you had to deal with that. Indeed, it's horrible

I have PTSD too, but I don't remember since when, I know i have it for a long time now. And i've been shy all my life, but I guess it got worse when I started Elementary school, and much worse during highschool.
Now a days, I have a hard time socializing, not only because of SA, but because I can't fit in any group. Most people here have a mindset, and I have a totally opposite one, so I am considered weird, boring, serious etc. In some cases they fear approaching me, because they find my look and personality "scary". No joke, and it's not my imagination, they really do

 

[Phobologist]

Let's suppose you are treated like shit daily, and not only in home, but at school and almost every time you approach people you are laughed at, criticized or/and rejected. Should I think that my fears have nothing to do with other people? I don't know if I should agree here...

But maybe i didn't understand too well what you meant in your post o:

You think how you are treated is the real reason you feel so bad inside, but it isn't, it's the other way around. You are treated like a FREAK, because you feel like a FREAK. This is why other people don't understand you. In their minds, if you don't like their reactions, you should change your behavior. But you cannot change your behavior because of your illness. You need treatment, and part of that treatment is identifying where the problem lies...

WITH YOU.

Listen, I was there too. I was treated like shit in middle school because my General Anxiety Disorder, the extreme stress from my Mother's Cancer and My Father's Manipulation and verbal abuse, made me a very strange, ackward, and at times, disagreeable person. I finally got tired of it and decided to change my appearance to the world. I figured the old way wasn't worth it, and I would be better off "normalizing" myself. I turned it all around in 3 months and at the end of the year even the popular kids were signing my year-book. Sadly, fear of losing this miracle was the root of my Social Phobia which started that summer, but you get the point. STOP LETTING YOUR ANXIETY MAKE YOU SEEM LIKE A TOTAL WEIRDO WHEN YOURE NOT.

It's not others that are out of whack, it's your behavior. And your behavior isn't YOU, it's your illness. Start dressing normally, take care of yourself, be clean, get on medication to suppress anxiety and depression. Don't share youre really weird interests with people who don't appreciate them. Learn the slang other kids use and employ the terms you find agreeable. Find out what other kids like and see if you like any of those things too. Read magazines and watch tv shows (if you find them interesting) that normal people do so you aren't totally clueless about topics of discussion. Try to get yourself involved in an activity that you enjoy. You'll feel better and have something to share with others.

Thats it bro. I did it, YOU can to, I promise.

 

[Hellhound]

Hmmm... I agree in part, but not fully. I don't know, but isn't it a bit unfair that I have to turn into something I am not just to be accepted?.
I agree that my behavior and insecurity affect me negatively. But society plays an important role too.

You see.. I do take care of myself, I don't have any weird interests (unless art and reading are considered weird), I am involved in activities I enjoy.
Most people over here like party, drugs, alcohol, sex, smoking, going to pubs. Girls are slutty, they dress with the tiniest things, so they can show they morbidly huge breasts, which in most cases are fake. Most guys are perverted and superficial. TV shows 80% sex related material, the other 20% are news. Magazines show pretty much the same.
Discussion topics are usually about guys/girls, sex, sports, criticizing those who are different, laughing at everything, etc.

I don't like going to pubs, I despise alcohol and drugs, I dont want anything sexual until i get married, I dont like showing my body or flirting. My interests are more "geeky", I like art, literature, fantasy, games, music etc. My conversation is more serious, more "refined" (for lacking of a better word). In the society I am now, these things are not considered fun. A woman is valuated for her body and looks and how sexual they are. Personality is the least important here.

And yes, i am a sister, not a bro

 

[Phobologist]

Hmmm... I agree in part, but not fully. I don't know, but isn't it a bit unfair that I have to turn into something I am not just to be accepted?.
I agree that my behavior and insecurity affect me negatively. But society plays an important role too.

Well I didn't mean for you to be fake. I meant for you to clean up your act by deciding that certain things you were doing weren't worth it anymore. Being fake means inventing personal characteristics to like yourself or to get others to like you. If you really like the changes and aren't just putting it on because you feel insecure about your present self, then it's not being fake.

You see.. I do take care of myself, I don't have any weird interests (unless art and reading are considered weird), I am involved in activities I enjoy.
Most people over here like party, drugs, alcohol, sex, smoking, going to pubs. Girls are slutty, they dress with the tiniest things, so they can show they morbidly huge breasts, which in most cases are fake. Most guys are perverted and superficial. TV shows 80% sex related material, the other 20% are news. Magazines show pretty much the same.
Discussion topics are usually about guys/girls, sex, sports, criticizing those who are different, laughing at everything, etc.

Ah, well then, honestly, you sound like a square to me. :: But, that's just because we don't click right. I don't think you are freak or anything. There are plenty of people who WOULD hang out with you. Your insecurity is just getting to you because you feel you don't fit in well enough. Trust me, theres at least a few girls around who are definately similar to you, but your illness makes you exagerate.

I don't like going to pubs, I despise alcohol and drugs, I dont want anything sexual until i get married, I dont like showing my body or flirting. My interests are more "geeky", I like art, literature, fantasy, games, music etc. My conversation is more serious, more "refined" (for lacking of a better word). In the society I am now, these things are not considered fun. A woman is valuated for her body and looks and how sexual they are. Personality is the least important here.

And yes, i am a sister, not a bro

Well youre just going to have to learn to put up with society. There are social circles with subcultures which might appeal to you more. I suggest you start looking for those rather than complaining about how "women are only valued for their bodies". Exactly why else are men supposed to be interested in them? Sorry, but that's the basis for guy-girl sexual relationships. If you can't hack it, that's fine, but confronting the entire society won't work for you. Don't you notice any other conservative girls around? Maybe people who share your intellectual interests would be more agreeable?

Sorry for thinking you were a guy.

 

[nicola_maire]

thats exactly what it is!! its because you dont want the confirmation from people to confirm how you feel about yourself so if someone is nasty to you you instantly think that confirms im a awful person rather than the logical respose which is what is there problem!!!
having a healthy self image will allow you not to think with your feelings but with your head and with circumstance.
i thought this for awhile, but i am glad someone else has suggested it.

 

[Phobologist]

thats exactly what it is!! its because you dont want the confirmation from people to confirm how you feel about yourself so if someone is nasty to you you instantly think that confirms im a awful person rather than the logical respose which is what is there problem!!!
having a healthy self image will allow you not to think with your feelings but with your head and with circumstance.
i thought this for awhile, but i am glad someone else has suggested it.

Yes!!!!

 

[Hellhound]

Ah, well then, honestly, you sound like a square to me. :: But, that's just because we don't click right. I don't think you are freak or anything. There are plenty of people who WOULD hang out with you. Your insecurity is just getting to you because you feel you don't fit in well enough. Trust me, theres at least a few girls around who are definately similar to you, but your illness makes you exagerate.

Probably. I won't deny that

Well youre just going to have to learn to put up with society. There are social circles with subcultures which might appeal to you more. I suggest you start looking for those rather than complaining about how "women are only valued for their bodies". Exactly why else are men supposed to be interested in them? Sorry, but that's the basis for guy-girl sexual relationships. If you can't hack it, that's fine, but confronting the entire society won't work for you. Don't you notice any other conservative girls around? Maybe people who share your intellectual interests would be more agreeable?

Well, that's why I get depressed often. I'm not physicaly attractive, so the only thing I can offer is my personality... LOL (Strangely, a few friends disagree)
And yes, there's people like that. My close friends are just like me, and I have seen many others who have similar thoughts, and we have a lot in common. The sad thing is that they are too far away and I can only be with them through chat and forums.

 

[Phobologist]

Well, that's why I get depressed often. I'm not physicaly attractive, so the only thing I can offer is my personality... LOL (Strangely, a few friends disagree)
And yes, there's people like that. My close friends are just like me, and I have seen many others who have similar thoughts, and we have a lot in common. The sad thing is that they are too far away and I can only be with them through chat and forums.

Well I highly doubt you are so rediculously unnattractive that even an average looking, guy, of the type you like, wouldn't be interested. Have you noticed how many ugly people have partners? Being ugly isn't an excuse haha, you can definately find a guy. It's your social phobia that's making it so difficult, not your looks. And you allways have your body to offer men. Guys who are less attractive to women are perfectly happy settling for girls who are less physically stunning, I see it all the time. People find others at their own level so you just need to look around for men at yours and to stop focusing on being a beauty queen. If you can manage, however, go to the gym and fix up your body - everyone practically can have a nice one and youll find many more men (whom you like) are interested in you.

As for your friends, that does sound tough. Youll have to get over your social phobia as best as possible so you can make new friends where you are now.

Best Wishes

 

[Jake123]

I suggest you start looking for those rather than complaining about how "women are only valued for their bodies". Exactly why else are men supposed to be interested in them? Sorry, but that's the basis for guy-girl sexual relationships.

Their personality? Character? Intelligence? Integrity? You know, what normal people are interested in other humans... because women are human... If you're only interested in someone for their body that's pretty sad. It goes both ways, though. Some people are just that shallow.

 

[Phobologist]

Their personality? Character? Intelligence? Integrity? You know, what normal people are interested in other humans... because women are human... If you're only interested in someone for their body that's pretty sad. It goes both ways, though. Some people are just that shallow.

Yea, do you realize everyone has their own level of what they consider physically attractive that might be lower than your own personal standard? Please, how many guys are with women they are NOT physically attracted to? Right, discounting married men, not many. Now, how many physically attractive women are with men who don't express the basic qualities of attractive males, assertiveness, confidence, self-respect, dominance, and social competence? Right, not many, and most of those have low-self esteem or other psychological issues. So I don't buy the PC "beauty is on the inside" crap.

 

[lurknomore]

So I don't buy the PC "beauty is on the inside" crap.

That is sad. I personally do not get physically attracted to people until I know something of their personality. People do become more physically appealing as I get to know and like them... and vice versa, someone with a "pretty face" or "hot body" can totally turn me off if I don't like their personality.

 

[Jake123]

Yea, do you realize everyone has their own level of what they consider physically attractive that might be lower than your own personal standard? Please, how many guys are with women they are NOT physically attracted to? Right, discounting married men, not many. Now, how many physically attractive women are with men who don't express the basic qualities of attractive males, assertiveness, confidence, self-respect, dominance, and social competence? Right, not many, and most of those have low-self esteem or other psychological issues. So I don't buy the PC "beauty is on the inside" crap.

Uh... you're confusing physical attraction with personality. No offense or anything but men are judged just as much on their physical attractiveness as women. A lot of men want more than just a hot bimbo, dude, and not all women want the alpha male personality. This is just stuff that's stuck in your head from your own insecurities that the media and society has made you believe.

 

[Jake123]

That is sad. I personally do not get physically attracted to people until I know something of their personality. People do become more physically appealing as I get to know and like them... and vice versa, someone with a "pretty face" or "hot body" can totally turn me off if I don't like their personality.

Definitely!

 

[Phobologist]

Ok whatever guys, I'm going to go with the other 99% of men on this one.

 

[Phobologist]

Uh... you're confusing physical attraction with personality. No offense or anything but men are judged just as much on their physical attractiveness as women. A lot of men want more than just a hot bimbo, dude, and not all women want the alpha male personality. This is just stuff that's stuck in your head from your own insecurities that the media and society has made you believe.

Not really. Ive almost never known or seen a hot women with a guy who didn't have those qualities, and almost all men are with girlfriends who they were physically attracted to (very much) before meeting her. Men aren't women buddy, we don't build our physical attraction up as the relationship deepens, it's there from the get-go.

 

[Hellhound]

Well I highly doubt you are so rediculously unnattractive that even an average looking, guy, of the type you like, wouldn't be interested. Have you noticed how many ugly people have partners? Being ugly isn't an excuse haha, you can definately find a guy. It's your social phobia that's making it so difficult, not your looks. And you allways have your body to offer men. Guys who are less attractive to women are perfectly happy settling for girls who are less physically stunning, I see it all the time. People find others at their own level so you just need to look around for men at yours and to stop focusing on being a beauty queen. If you can manage, however, go to the gym and fix up your body - everyone practically can have a nice one and youll find many more men (whom you like) are interested in you.

As for your friends, that does sound tough. Youll have to get over your social phobia as best as possible so you can make new friends where you are now.

Best Wishes

Well, I do have a partner, but he is far away too. I know we're going to meet someday, but not soon, sadly. Let's say, a 90% of my social life is on the net I don't complain though, because these people are the best thing that could happen to me, but it sucks that I am so far from them...
And I won't deny that my phobia makes me very negative and afraid of everything. I want to overcome it, I have tried and still try to beat it, just so I can be able to do the things I am unable to do now.

There's something you didn't understand though, or i just expressed the wrong way. The reason i complain about my society it's because thanks to stereotypes, the media and all this superficial stuff, people like me are rejected. You are expected to be, dress, weight, talk, act a certain way in order to be considered "normal". And girls have a harder time because this society is sexist and superficial to the extreme. For example, what is considered a normal weight in the U.S, is considered fat over here. I am in a normal weight, yet I have to dress like a guy because I can't find any clothes, unless I become anorexic (Wait, I already am! )
This is why I think that, in some cases, it's not all about oneself and your environment might play an important role in making your insecurities worse. Sometimes it's not that easy to overcome something like this by your own if the level of negativity you get is higher than the level of support.

I hope i've made sense. I know i tend to talk a lot of crap when it's past 3AM

 

[Hellhound]

That is sad. I personally do not get physically attracted to people until I know something of their personality. People do become more physically appealing as I get to know and like them... and vice versa, someone with a "pretty face" or "hot body" can totally turn me off if I don't like their personality.

Agreed!

 

[chained]

SEEM [/B] LIKE A TOTAL WEIRDO WHEN YOURE NOT.

I was never very social, but one summer I was very funny and cool, like I had it all and then I started fearing, what if I can't do this anymore and now I can't... but working on it... just like u... but my biggest problem is that I have no "normal" thoughts even when I'm alone or with family(we're close), so is ti possible that I have no "normal" thoughts, or I'm trying to be like pthers that i DON'T LISTEN TO MYSELF.. HOW DO U DEVELOPE A "MYSELF" ???

 

[Phobologist]

I was never very social, but one summer I was very funny and cool, like I had it all and then I started fearing, what if I can't do this anymore and now I can't... but working on it... just like u... but my biggest problem is that I have no "normal" thoughts even when I'm alone or with family(we're close), so is ti possible that I have no "normal" thoughts, or I'm trying to be like pthers that i DON'T LISTEN TO MYSELF.. HOW DO U DEVELOPE A "MYSELF" ???

Yea you know what Chained, you and I sound a lot a like. Can you please make a post explaining how your SA developed? I will be making mine soon. I think we may have the same GSOP (Generalized Social Phobia) subtype.

 

[PisceanWisdom]

Yea, do you realize everyone has their own level of what they consider physically attractive that might be lower than your own personal standard? Please, how many guys are with women they are NOT physically attracted to? Right, discounting married men, not many. Now, how many physically attractive women are with men who don't express the basic qualities of attractive males, assertiveness, confidence, self-respect, dominance, and social competence? Right, not many, and most of those have low-self esteem or other psychological issues. So I don't buy the PC "beauty is on the inside" crap.

That's a little sexist, isn't it, to just assume that because Hellhound is female, she should strive to get a boyfriend, and that her main goal is to be attractive? I mean, what if her problem is that she wants more friends, more people to talk to? How does that relate to "PC 'beauty is on the inside' crap"? Are you saying that you think that the main criteria for friends is looks?

I totally agree with her on this one.