I understand and can relate. My father is not a bad person, he is not aggressive. But he is simply distant. He doesn't care about my interests, does not ask me how I feel or how I am doing, including when I have health issues, rarely talks with me and gives me his attention mostly to remark what he perceives as my bad traits, such as: "Oh yes, you are going to your room again to sit behind the computer; go under the desk if you want so that nobody can see you". He once or twice said: "If you have such serious issues, then go to a mental hospital". I've never been a social person and this sounds funny from his mouth considering he spends most of his time at home and have only one or two friends, and he himself had been shy in his young years. He does not support me enough in what I do and what I want to do - he thinks my interests and passions are bull**** and definitely does not understand my issues. He never even bought me a chocolate when I was a kid. He thinks his view is the correct one and cannot see how his behavior affects me.
As an autodidact in music (I began my self-directed study in music while I was studying Computer Science at university), I would had appreciated some moral support from him, but never received it. I am working on my first album with non-commercial, instrumental, electronic and experimental music, and unknown people and musicians support me and praise me more than my own family in total. And I am really insulted with his opinion that my psychological issues are not real, but a way to justify my laziness.
He doesn't care about art, music, films, spirituality, intriguing philosophical, scientific or paranormal topics, but mostly about doing his stuff in the garage, playing and watching tennis, watching news and sometimes Animal Planet. When I and my mother watch a movie, he goes to another room and considers movies dumb. When we watch funny, humorous shows and have a good laugh, he considers that stupid and makes remarks how dumb our laugh is. At the same time, he is at least somewhat sensitive - I see that, I have seen him crying over people's troubles, but he is not sensitive enough to me and my sensitivity. Both me and my mother can see he is sometimes much kinder to strangers and neighbors than to us; he sometimes puts their needs before his own. I suppose one of the reasons for this is because he has only a few friends and limited social contacts, so he wants to make good impression on other people and feel appreciated.
I have never needed much in the materialistic sense. I've never been a trouble for my family, never teased them constantly for money to buy new, fashionable clothes, go to parties, etc. as most kids do, never been rude, but cared only about a few long-term possessions. People and teachers often see me as interesting and having high potential, and I only wanted some attention from him, just to praise me for what I am and respect my interests and views; only needed his good word instead of reminding me of my problems and telling me how I cannot do something, I don't know a **** or have no talent. While I was studying, since I disliked the approach of the traditional educational system and paid attention mostly to the subjects I was interested in, he now keeps reminding me of my "failures" and mistakes, and pays no attention to the positive aspects, for example bad marks vs excellent marks.
Dear dad, maybe I am not exactly the son you wanted, but after all, I am your son... And no, the primary fault in our relations is not mine. I was just a lonely kid in a cruel world who was unable to fit in very well with any groups and stereotypes.
Wow... That was the most personal post I have ever written on boards. Thank you for reading this...
Lea, maybe you should take legal action if things go out of control. I was deeply moved by your story and feel enraged. Sorry I cannot help. If you need someone to talk to, I am around. You are right, he definitely has issues, but maybe you can improve your relations if you convince him to visit a psychologist?
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