Breaking through the 'acquaintance' barrier! Anybody had any luck?

onecellinthesea

onecellinthesea

Well-known member
Hello all!

I'll spare everybody a lengthy background, the short version is I was treated for Social Anxiety (CBT) but in the 3 years since diagnosis, though i've improved SO much, I've learnt that APD is my real issue.

I can't get past the acquaintance barrier with anyone except my partner.

It's gotten close at times, but as I have to really FORCE myself to say the right things to these individuals to seem open, they must sense it and it's all very tense and awkward. And exhausting. All I want is one or two close friends! Atleast then my partner won't feel so under pressure.

Has anyone managed this? It's so frustrating!!
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
I´d like to know too ...
I suck at making plans with people and I´m always afraid of doing something wrong. I´m so nervous and too self conscious when I´m around people.
The whole making friends thing really exhausts and confuses me.
 
Xervello

Xervello

Well-known member
onecellinthesea said:
Hello all!

I'll spare everybody a lengthy background, the short version is I was treated for Social Anxiety (CBT) but in the 3 years since diagnosis, though i've improved SO much, I've learnt that APD is my real issue.

I can't get past the acquaintance barrier with anyone except my partner.

It's gotten close at times, but as I have to really FORCE myself to say the right things to these individuals to seem open, they must sense it and it's all very tense and awkward. And exhausting. All I want is one or two close friends! Atleast then my partner won't feel so under pressure.

Has anyone managed this? It's so frustrating!!
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Do you have many friends online? Maybe you can find someone near you that you could befriend online, and perhaps after awhile the two of you could possibly meet up in person.
 
onecellinthesea

onecellinthesea

Well-known member
Nanita, I know those feelings well. Have you got many people around you? My partners friends are great, I just wish I could open up and actually be friends with them! Right now I'm home alone for the second day wishing there was someone I could call to hang out with.

P.S. love your profile picture. Ghost World is a favourite of mine!

Xervello, I haven't really pursued internet friends for a good few years. I should give it a go. Thanks :)
 
razzle dazzle rose

razzle dazzle rose

Well-known member
I haven't had much luck with this either. While I do have a handful of online friends they all live at a distance so hanging out with them is kinda impossible. I know that feeling of wishing you could call someone to hang out. I get it all the time.

You say you have a hard time opening up. What do you mean by that?
 
onecellinthesea

onecellinthesea

Well-known member
razzle dazzle rose said:
...You say you have a hard time opening up. What do you mean by that?
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I feel like I can have a conversation up to a point (usually just small talk) and then I must cut it off before I reveal anything about myself. I'm very uncomfortable in one to one conversation. It feels almost like an invasion of privacy.
Even though I know this and I'm aware that in order to like me people must know me better I can't seem to relax or be myself or let them actually get to know me atall. I have alot of really great acquaintances (some i've known for literally years!) but the friendship goes no further!
 
razzle dazzle rose

razzle dazzle rose

Well-known member
onecellinthesea said:
I feel like I can have a conversation up to a point (usually just small talk) and then I must cut it off before I reveal anything about myself. I'm very uncomfortable in one to one conversation. It feels almost like an invasion of privacy.
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Making friends, getting to know people does involve a certain level of risk. Of putting yourself out there to be judged or rejected, which are things people like us fear tremendously. Though if that risk is not taken, like you say, the friendship can't go to the next level. You have the opportunities, you just have to work on sharing a little more of yourself to these people. It doesn't have to be very personal: you choose what you want to share. I also struggle with knowing what to say, not saying too much or too little. It is a challenge.

Joining this forum and participating here can be great practice. Welcome to the forum btw :)
 
onecellinthesea

onecellinthesea

Well-known member
razzle dazzle rose said:
Making friends, getting to know people does involve a certain level of risk...
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Thanks for the welcome - it is a great forum and it's nice to read and chat to people going through similar things.

I totally agree and I need to believe that risks can be good! No risk = no chance of becoming friends. I'm also quite physically closed, as in I'm uncomfortable sitting near, touching or being close to others. I have been making an effort to help this by touching people on the shoulder whilst talking to them for example. I'm going to go back to CBT/therapy too.
 
lonelee1

lonelee1

Well-known member
onecellinthesea said:
Hello all!

I'll spare everybody a lengthy background, the short version is I was treated for Social Anxiety (CBT) but in the 3 years since diagnosis, though i've improved SO much, I've learnt that APD is my real issue.

I can't get past the acquaintance barrier with anyone except my partner.

It's gotten close at times, but as I have to really FORCE myself to say the right things to these individuals to seem open, they must sense it and it's all very tense and awkward. And exhausting. All I want is one or two close friends! Atleast then my partner won't feel so under pressure.

Has anyone managed this? It's so frustrating!!
Click to expand...

i've been learning more about my anxieties, and i think i may actually be an avoidant personality. i'm trying really really hard though to change. to recognize faulty thinking patterns, distortions, etc.

i've started seeing someone and that in itself is a HUGE HUGE step in a right direction for me. i went from hardly speaking to anyone to trying to date! it hasn't been easy. i know how hard it is to break through. i still feel insane, but it helps to talk to people who will be accepting of your condition.

i know how exhausting it is. one thing i've tried to do is not be so self-directed. another way of saying self centered. you also have to accept that you might not say or do the right thing all the time, but whoever you're talking to has flaws of their own so at some point you have to think, who cares, eh?

good luck and keep trying.
 
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Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
onecellinthesea said:
Nanita, I know those feelings well. Have you got many people around you? My partners friends are great, I just wish I could open up and actually be friends with them! Right now I'm home alone for the second day wishing there was someone I could call to hang out with.

P.S. love your profile picture. Ghost World is a favourite of mine!

Xervello, I haven't really pursued internet friends for a good few years. I should give it a go. Thanks :)
Click to expand...

I don´t have people around me, no not really.. The few friends I have live in other countries or in the other side of the country. And I don´t speak much with them on the phone/internet, I don´t know why, I´m just really bad at keeping contact when I´m not physically around friends. I feel like I dissapear or they dissapear, when we´re not together. Does that make sense..I don´t know.
In the past I´ve always had a LOT of social anxiety meeting my ex-boyfriends friends.. I´ve usually been way too nervous to become friends with them, and I have always felt that pressure; "I HAVE to get along with boyfriends friends". You know?
Except I did meet some really nice people through my latest relationship, and I´m still in contact with them, but it´s not more than messages like "how are you? have a nice weekend", and stuff like that. We can also speak about meaningful things, but it´s juuust so difficult to really build a friendship. :kickingmyself:

Yeah, Ghost World is awesome.....!!!!!!!!!!
 
onecellinthesea

onecellinthesea

Well-known member
Nanita said:
I don´t have people around me, no not really.. The few friends I have live in other countries or in the other side of the country. And I don´t speak much with them on the phone/internet, I don´t know why, I´m just really bad at keeping contact when I´m not physically around friends. I feel like I dissapear or they dissapear, when we´re not together. Does that make sense..I don´t know.
In the past I´ve always had a LOT of social anxiety meeting my ex-boyfriends friends.. I´ve usually been way too nervous to become friends with them, and I have always felt that pressure; "I HAVE to get along with boyfriends friends". You know?
Except I did meet some really nice people through my latest relationship, and I´m still in contact with them, but it´s not more than messages like "how are you? have a nice weekend", and stuff like that. We can also speak about meaningful things, but it´s juuust so difficult to really build a friendship. :kickingmyself:

Yeah, Ghost World is awesome.....!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

I watched Ghost World a couple of nights ago! And Gigantic last night - have you seen it? Was not a fan...Anyway.... :)

I totally understand the anxiety about meeting partners friends - the first time I met my first boyfriend's friends at 16 I locked myself in the bathroom at a party, had a panic attack, cried and then was sick! I'm much better now with my current boyfriend's friends, but I still get nervous around them and can't get past the acquaintance stage.

This week I'm going to make an effort to arrange to go for a coffee with a nice person that I would like to get to know better. It will be scary but it's a start. Join me Nanita! :)
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
onecellinthesea said:
I watched Ghost World a couple of nights ago! And Gigantic last night - have you seen it? Was not a fan...Anyway.... :)

I totally understand the anxiety about meeting partners friends - the first time I met my first boyfriend's friends at 16 I locked myself in the bathroom at a party, had a panic attack, cried and then was sick! I'm much better now with my current boyfriend's friends, but I still get nervous around them and can't get past the acquaintance stage.

This week I'm going to make an effort to arrange to go for a coffee with a nice person that I would like to get to know better. It will be scary but it's a start. Join me Nanita! :)
Click to expand...

Yeah I´ve seen Gigantic, and I thougt it was kind of boring!
I think I will wait a week or two before I make plans with anyone.... If we lived the same place we could go for coffee together... Oh no now I feel like drinking coffee, and I´m trying to quit coffee...........:kickingmyself:
 
onecellinthesea

onecellinthesea

Well-known member
Nanita said:
Yeah I´ve seen Gigantic, and I thougt it was kind of boring!
I think I will wait a week or two before I make plans with anyone.... If we lived the same place we could go for coffee together... Oh no now I feel like drinking coffee, and I´m trying to quit coffee...........:kickingmyself:
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That would have been nice :)
I love tea and coffee, my first tattoos were that of a teacup and teapot on my wrists! Try decaf, I live on the stuff!
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
razzle dazzle rose said:
Making friends, getting to know people does involve a certain level of risk. Of putting yourself out there to be judged or rejected, which are things people like us fear tremendously. Though if that risk is not taken, like you say, the friendship can't go to the next level.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. Some people find it easy to share, while others, like yourself, don't. You have to take a risk and you may find that it'll pay off more times than it doesn't.

I have gotten through the acquaintance barrier a couple of times, yeah.
 
I

ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
onecellinthesea said:
Hello all!

I'll spare everybody a lengthy background, the short version is I was treated for Social Anxiety (CBT) but in the 3 years since diagnosis, though i've improved SO much, I've learnt that APD is my real issue.

I can't get past the acquaintance barrier with anyone except my partner.

It's gotten close at times, but as I have to really FORCE myself to say the right things to these individuals to seem open, they must sense it and it's all very tense and awkward. And exhausting. All I want is one or two close friends! Atleast then my partner won't feel so under pressure.

Has anyone managed this? It's so frustrating!!
Click to expand...

Are you going to Uni? It's easier to make friends while in college. i.e study groups, clubs etc. Outside of college, other than at work, that's hard.
 
lurknomore

lurknomore

1
I haven't figured it out either. Probably because I've never taken a risk and shared about myself, ever. I don't even know what that would be like or how to do it, who to try it with, when, etc. I don't speak unless spoken to, and even then I keep my replies to a bare minimum and run away as fast as I can.
 
awkwardamanda

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
ImNotMyIllness said:
Are you going to Uni? It's easier to make friends while in college. i.e study groups, clubs etc. Outside of college, other than at work, that's hard.
Click to expand...

I spent six years in university and did not make a single friend. I occasionally chatted with people in my classes but that was usually only if they said something first. And then I was too shy to even introduce myself. There were a few people I talked to fairly often and I couldn't even get their names. I got a little jealous when I saw some of the people I had classes with talking and hanging out and studying together. And that was about my only chance to get to know people I actually had something in common with.:sad:
 
Barrier

Barrier

Well-known member
This is familiar. Too familiar. I don't know how people do it. Getting a number, regularly hanging out. Even with people in class it didn't work. I sometimes hung out with them around school grounds, but when they met up outside of school they never asked me.

And if I am somewhat befriended with people, I am third, forth or last choice to hang out with. It's not that I haven't tried to get together myself, but when I did I got stood up all the time. People just forget about me.
 
Anomaly

Anomaly

Well-known member
I've had a bit of luck. It mostly had to do with compatibility in temperament, intelligence, and willingness to contribute rather than doing specific things; interestingly enough, having common interests isn't as important as I previously thought. The bigger challenge for me is maintaining the relationship -- perhaps the importance of the common interests is more applicable here.
 
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