Anyone else wonder where they went wrong?

Recently Ive been thinking that I just don't understand where I went wrong and what happened for things to turn out so crap, like everything that SA has resulted in, depression etc.
I know some people have been quiet forever and have never known any different, which I dont know is better or worse than it developing over time :/
But because I wasnt always like this and i dont consider myself to have always suffered with SA, i think it started when I was 12/13. theres just the good memories all the time but in a way it just makes it hurt more because I wish I could go back to that and I know it must still be in me somewhere, i just cant find it.
I quit university in December only having started in the september, now im just at home doing nothing and havent been strong enough to get a job or try very hard, im thinking of going back to a college in Sep and try again, but im really just scared but if it goes wrong again i dont know what ill do orhow ill react cos its like one of very few options i have cus i have to do something.

Ive kinda gone off the point but does anyone else know what i mean and wonder how and why it all went so wrong and how its come to this seemingly pointless existence and endless disappointment?

I can definately understand what you're talking about.. My SA developed nearly at the same age that yours did and i can't really put my finger on what caused it. I used to be popular at school, outgoing, funny and full of life and energy.

Now im sitting here in my bed typing.. I can barely go out to the bathroom without this ridiculous fear that someone upstairs might hear that im here. My personality i feel has completely changed from what it was when i was younger. There are times i do feel better and sometimes i am that person i was long ago.. but it's more and more rare.

I wish i could turn this thing around but all my attempts so far has failed. One day i will manage.. I just hope i can find the way to do it before it's to late.

I for one know exactly where it went wrong. Theres the good life before i started smokin weed and the depressed anxious life after that.

It was all good at the beginning when i smoked weed but after time i started gettin depressed and my friends didnt accept me like that and made fun of me and i just couldnt deal with it and i got worse and worse and I kept on smokin weed and got bad highs too which made it all worse.

To cut a long story short. I was so confused when I was smokin weed. My friends kept telling me things like my brain is gone and shit like that and I believed every shit they told me so i started thinkin something is wrong with me and I just got worse and worse, they made me feel so uncomfortable and critized me of every mistake I did I convinced myself of so many irrational tings.I dont blame them. I was just a weak kid when i grew up. I was brainwashed i could say. I grew up with the wrong people around me

..................

I don't know what went wrong. I've always been quiet since i remember. Even in primary school i had a hard time fitting in. I feel alienated.

SA hit me when I was 18. (now am 33).

I was looking for something to blame. For some time I blamed my parents. Then I blamed something else. All the time, ignoring the real symptoms, which were there all the time.

I had a bunch of other symptoms which I never put together.
Symptoms like Fatigue, Food Allergies, Back ache, Brain Fog etc.

It made sense when I put it altogether, started reading Ayurveda.

I came to find out that I was having Candida all these years.

Now I am fighting to get rid of it.

Now I have taken the responsibility in my hands. This is my life and I will make my decisions and take the responsibility for my actions. I am going try my best & stop blaming myself and others close to me for this.

I read tons of self help shit and came to change some of my CORE beliefs.
- Be positive (doesnt matter what kind of shit you are in)
- Recognize what is negative in your life and eliminate it
- Meditate (Amazing shit)
- If people can fight cancer & survive, I can beat SA
- Visualize yourself getting better (powerful stuff)
- Positive Affirmations
& many such things...

so I am curious, what other symptoms do you guys have? Everything is related. Look at your health in totality.

It all started going wrong for me around 14/15 years old.

To summarise:
- my friends started going out drinking and going to parties. I couldn't because my parents all ways insisted I was in by 10pm!
- I've always had a massive fear of public speaking, like reading stuff out at school or being asked a question by the teacher.
- I've always blushed quite easily (see above). When you are young people notice, comment and tease which makes matters worse.
-I wasn't very good looking as a kid. I mean slightly overweight and spotty.
- I left school and went to a new sixth form college different from where most others went. It was hard to make friends, especially when you're only there for a couple of hours a day.
- my parents were always telling me to shut up as a kid, always taking my brothers side during arguments, even when he was in the wrong.
- my parents never did and never do anything together. They hardly ever go out and never really invited people round.
- my parents never took me out to do stuff like amusement parks, football games or museums etc.

I spent my life trying to discover what went wrong.

the result: nothing!

recently, i believed that i should accept the fact that i'm sociophobic and try to improve it instead of spending my life whining trying to figure out WHY.

it started in dad's pants..

i understand your feeling as well.i quit college 2 years ago because i can't fit with my classmates.but at that time i didn't realised i have SP yet.being away from home make it worse.and work for 9 months.the 9 months have been like hell for me.almost everyone don't like me.because i always nervous,clumsy and unfriendly.but that's not what i want.i just can't bring myself to talk to them because i fell that i ddin't know them long enough.at school i rarely had friends but i still have a few.i have selective mutsim when i'm little and now i have SP.this is how i live. :roll:

recluse said:

I don't know what went wrong. I've always been quiet since i remember. Even in primary school i had a hard time fitting in. I feel alienated.

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Me too. I remember when I was 5 years old I was already nervous in social situations.

I have always been very shy and quiet. Yet I still find myself wondering where it all went wrong. I mean, I had little friends in elementary and middle school, but once I got to high school I wasn't able to keep those friendships going, and I somehow got left behind, on my own, wondering why I had no friends.

I can soooo relate to this topic. I really saw that something was different with me around the age of 12 or 13. I don't know why I became such an introvert. I am now 25 and I can honestly say that my anxiety overall is not as bad as it used to be. I have struggled for years with anxiety, paranoia, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, etc. I can't tell you how many times over the years that I have cried and beat myself up because I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why did I never wanted to go anywhere? Why would I get so nervous over things that most people wouldn't get nervous over? Why would I get all of these anxious and paranoid thoughts? I literally thought I was going crazy and really thought that I was going to have so see a therapist b/c I just felt out of sorts. I would cry because I miss when I was age 7 to 11 b/c it seemed that I was just happier then. I wondered what happened and why could I not find happiness and peace of mind.

Now, I am in a much better place. I do have a long way to go, but overall I just got tired of fighting myself. You just have to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are somebody! There's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with anyone on here. We just have struggles in our lives and everyone struggles with something. You have to allow yourself to be someone that is aware of your flaws and imperfections and realize that we ALL have them. I don't care how perfect someone may seem on the outside. Everyone of you will have to dig deep and truly find out who they are as person. I'm 25 and I'm still finding myself and learning more about myself as I get older. I know it's hard, but we have to keep going and try to stay positive!

I believe I know to a very detailed level what went wrong with me.

I know the very day I went wrong. It was the day I started paying to much attention to my SA.

I know where it went wrong with me. I posted it in my introduction what revelation I came to yesterday about my condition. Some of it could be hereditary, maybe we are predisposed to it. Honestly, I think its environmental. Some one thing or somethings happened over time that just shut our ability to cope and deal with people effectively.

I know where I went wrong, or where things went wrong for me. Being born to my mother. Her neediness and using me to fill her emotional needs set me on this path. I wonder what things would have been like in a more normal upbringing.

Everything has been wrong for me since I can remember, I don't know when it started. My theory was that I was cursed or God was punishing me. I always thought I was evil and I deserved what I had. I never had logic explanations. Now a days I can say that being treated like a dog all my childhood and my teenager years made me the way I am, plus it is in my genes.

Hellhound said:

Everything has been wrong for me since I can remember, I don't know when it started. My theory was that I was cursed or God was punishing me. I always thought I was evil and I deserved what I had. I never had logic explanations. Now a days I can say that being treated like a dog all my childhood and my teenager years made me the way I am, plus it is in my genes.

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bad cards right? or missing cards whats worse is the extra ones though, i know the feeling hellhound, i had a weird time growing up too

haha, Yes I do often think the same thing and can't seem to find an answer. But I also realise that with the help I've received that I can make my future a lot more normal-like. That makes a big difference.