Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

satstrn said:

how can you know you like someone before you know them? think up in your head what exactly you like personality wise in a girl, focus on what she says not what she looks like...for me, she has to "get" my goofiness cuz a lot of girls think im just an idiot, but some think im cute as hell

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well some girls do expect you to talk to them simply because they look good.

when people used to in the olden days, 'dance'... and nowadays. what do you think is the criteria used? Because she looks good. That doesn't mean I agree with it though, and that's why I don't go to clubs, or dances.

klytus said:

it's fun to see someone suffer.

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Do you find it fun too?

With few exceptions, almost everyone loves a whipping boy (or sometimes, girl) as they are insignificant in the big bad world, they will feel ten feet tall if they can make even just one person's life a living Hell. Human beings are naturally programmed to hunt down and hurt whoever they regard as inferior to, or weaker than they and "their own kind". It is almost universally natural for humans to form tribes and attack whatever they regard as the weakest of the tribe, and anyone they deem a misfit is barely recognized as one of "their own" species.

klytus said:

it's fun to torture someone

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Yeah people are covertly trained to be torturers as they are growing up as it serves the hierarchies. Even society makes it illegal for one to kill themselves, or for anyone to kill those they deem as the pariah, yet anything else is fair game. The reason for keeping alive those unanimouslly deemed as worthless is because a dead body doesn't feel pain. If they keep the omegas alive they can bully them over and over and over again. It keeps superior omegas happy, as their superiority to you is the one thing that justifies their own existence to themselves, their peers, and their betters.

klytus said:

It can even indirectly lower your grades, if, in school, teachers get to hear the story.

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You mean teachers will lower your mark just because they believe that you're a sex beast?

klytus said:

Some might even go to the police and you will have to deal with the unpleasant investigations.

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And you might get beaten about by the cops during questioning.

klytus said:

No, that's not true. There's an unspoken law, which our society appears to agree on, that makes it a crime for certain men to express their emotions towards the woman they secretly love.

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Rarely stated, but 100% true.

klytus said:

no1 is right. All these activities are - if only indirectly - sexually motivated. Sexuality is always an integral part of romantic attraction. Many women will think that you want to hurt them, or get into their pants, and feel disgusted simply because you talk to them. Or hold a door(!) open for them.

I emphasized the 'you' above, as it really depends on who you are. If you are a socially integrated person, someone who enjoys the group's acceptance, you can even touch her indecently, and she won't feel bad about it.

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That is so true. When you are a social pariah, there is one las for you and another for everyone else.

klytus said:

Indeed, but who actually cares about a proof? Most people will simply believe it because it brings more fun into their lives.

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Yep, think of every time, a fight between two lads breaks out over some petty dispute or other. Before you know it, hundreds of lads come out of the woodwork joining in. They are not in the slightest interest about what actually happened, or who said what - in fact they would rather believe lies as to be able to ruin someone's life over lies makes them feel even more successful.

klytus said:

I wish girls would be more rational, less emotional and more open to people who aren't socially accepted or integrated for some reason.

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That would be against natural law.

Cynic said:

Do you find it fun too?

With few exceptions, almost everyone loves a whipping boy (or sometimes, girl) as they are insignificant in the big bad world, they will feel ten feet tall if they can make even just one person's life a living Hell. Human beings are naturally programmed to hunt down and hurt whoever they regard as inferior to, or weaker than they and "their own kind". It is almost universally natural for humans to form tribes and attack whatever they regard as the weakest of the tribe, and anyone they deem a misfit is barely recognized as one of "their own" species.


Yeah people are covertly trained to be torturers as they are growing up as it serves the hierarchies. Even society makes it illegal for one to kill themselves, or for anyone to kill those they deem as the pariah, yet anything else is fair game. The reason for keeping alive those unanimouslly deemed as worthless is because a dead body doesn't feel pain. If they keep the omegas alive they can bully them over and over and over again. It keeps superior omegas happy, as their superiority to you is the one thing that justifies their own existence to themselves, their peers, and their betters.


You mean teachers will lower your mark just because they believe that you're a sex beast?


And you might get beaten about by the cops during questioning.


Rarely stated, but 100% true.


That is so true. When you are a social pariah, there is one las for you and another for everyone else.


Yep, think of every time, a fight between two lads breaks out over some petty dispute or other. Before you know it, hundreds of lads come out of the woodwork joining in. They are not in the slightest interest about what actually happened, or who said what - in fact they would rather believe lies as to be able to ruin someone's life over lies makes them feel even more successful.


That would be against natural law.

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Even though you think it's natural, it does not have to be true in the future, once we evolve.

think of it this way.. do we as human beings survive better, divided against each other, or as one, together. Civilized. And not just any kind of civilization, the right kind of civilization.

We stand united, divided we fall. And it's not a matter of "well, it has to be both, because human beings cannot live without drama". That's a lie. Yes we can.

And about girls being "caught up in emotion". That's also a lie. We don't have to be entirely one-sided. We are only that way because we have "macro-evolved" to be that way, and we can further "macro-evolve". Being entirely dependent on emotion is very one-sided, and imbalanced. Emotion NEEDS to be balanced with logic, and as long as women keep believing that they are to be ONLY emotional, or to pay attention more to their feelings rather than their minds, is imbalanced. Both need to be equal. Not one more than the other. Or at least in due proportion but never abandoned.

We as human beings used to be way more "in tune" with our gut. Now we are more cortical thinkers, and use less of our gut. We need to integrate them both in our lives, and not be one-sided.

no1 said:

Civilized. And not just any kind of civilization, the right kind of civilization.

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That is a subjective term, and the only right one is what our infallible rulers believe.

no1 said:

Emotion NEEDS to be balanced with logic, and as long as women keep believing that they are to be ONLY emotional, or to pay attention more to their feelings rather than their minds, is imbalanced. Both need to be equal. Not one more than the other. Or at least in due proportion but never abandoned.

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When it comes down to it, 90% of human behaviour is governed by instinct. That again, is nature at work.

no1 said:

We as human beings used to be way more "in tune" with our gut. Now we are more cortical thinkers, and use less of our gut. We need to integrate them both in our lives, and not be one-sided.

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Ultimately we are all insignificant beings in the scheme of things. Every one of us is just a number and nothing more.

We should step back and ask why all the pressure is on the man to stick his neck out, while the women get to sit back and watch guys make idiots out of themselves...

And don't get me started on drinks and dinner tabs...

You mean teachers will lower your mark just because they believe that you're a sex beast?

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No, just because they are humans. It's enough for them to think that you are a sexual pervert, or sick in some other way, to lower your marks unconsciously. There is a lot of interpretative freedom in subjects involving the active use of languages and arts. If they don't like you, they won't like what you do, irrespective of the objective quality - should such a thing exist - of your work.

Do you find it fun too? <seeing someone suffer>

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If it's consensual. -- Heh, no, I cannot derive pleasure/fun out of the debasing or general torturing of another person. It's sick, but very apparent that many humans (especially my age / 19) are very into that kind of entertainment. Just look at all those victims of severe and moderate bullying. Should they survive their teenage - and young adult - years, they will have to live with a soul scarred for their entire lifetime.

Human beings are naturally programmed to hunt down and hurt whoever they regard as inferior

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Mh. Perhaps. However, humans have also demonstrated the unique capacity to overcome their primitive nature by means of rational thinking and sympathy. The very ability to do so is sufficient for me to expect from humans the constant striving towards a more thoughtful lifestyle.

And you might get beaten about by the cops during questioning.

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Even if it was a joke - it's sad but true. That can actually happen to the most innocent and vulnerable, as evidently attested by many videos on-line.

satstrn said:

maybe find something you have in common with the girl you wanna talk to then say that

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Eh. Easier said than done.

Well my answer for the original poster is that it's a case of 'once bitten twice shy' for me. You see it happened to me in the past when i foolishly made it obvious to a girl who had a boyfriend that i liked her, and to put it short she used me and played with my feelings. She knew that i liked her so she used me as a crutch whenever things were'nt going well with her boyfriend. She actually wanted me to remain single incase she finished with her boyfriend! Anyway i've broken all contact with her.

Now i'm afraid to tell a girl i like how i feel about her for the fear that i will be rejected. I feel inadaquete and i'm sort of living in a half fantasy world because i am afraid of facing up to the truth.

recluse said:

Now i'm afraid to tell a girl i like how i feel about her for the fear that i will be rejected. I feel inadaquete and i'm sort of living in a half fantasy world because i am afraid of facing up to the truth.

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This is actually true for most men (having SA or not). This is my personal experience if you know a girl for a while and you express interest she will do one of 3 things: reject you, want you, or put you in the maybe category. Here is the catch and I know this is one of the most difficult thing for people, if they want you they will make it obvious once you let her know that you like her. Any other responses will indicate that she is not really interested, she's gotten to know you and don't really like you in that way. it won't work out if you pursue it. Sounds simple right? The most effective thing to do is finding a cool way to confess it, and if it works, it works if it doesn't move on to the next one. You will feel bad about the rejection but most attractive women will have tons of men pursuing her, so you can do the odds. It's really nothing personal most of the time. Attraction is something you can control.

here's what I think: sexuality is a serious thing to me, or at least, a lot of women make it out to be, and I do want it to be serious also. But since the invention of condoms and stuff it's not so serious anymore is it? but I still think it is.

anyways.

to express any kind of interest to a woman, has implications of sexuality. biologically, any kind of interaction between male and a female IS going to be Sexual. That is, there is going to be male/female dynamics going on. Not that it has to do with sexual intercourse but it still IS sexual as in that we all have gender roles to play. And that all ties down to sexual intercourse.

anyways.

Expressing, any kind of friendliness, or more than that, is considered a serious thing to me. Unless a woman can convince me that it's ok, or she comes on to me first, I won't, especially if we just first met. I usually won't move further beyond friendliness until we know each other really well, and god knows when/IF that ever occurs. Unless of course like I said, she comes on to ME first.

being a guy,I'm not at all comfortable with it. Men look like beasts. It's more safer if a woman came on to a man. but a man coming on to a woman? That is risking a lot. The man is stronger, capable of doing much harm. A woman on the other hand? Yea, you see what I mean?

Ok, wow you guys are waaaaaaay over thinking all this. since when is asking for a phone number or email address this complicated...can you imagine if all men felt this way.

Maybe thats what it is men with SA just OVER THINK everything and CAN NOT put action forth and as a result, you talk yourself out of it before you get hurt or disappointed...hmmmm....something to think about.

We have trouble showing these emotions because we often feel like we're not worthy and will be ridiculed for trying to go out of our league. For most people like me, I think that pretty much sums it up, especially those of us who are insecure with our appearance.

TooShyShy said:

"Maybe thats what it is men with SA just OVER THINK everything and CAN NOT put action forth and as a result, you talk yourself out of it before you get hurt or disappointed...hmmmm....something to think about."

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I don't even have to think about it. That's it.

I have a crush on a girl who has encouraged me to hang out with her. She knows I have social anxiety, so I think she's just being friendly. I haven't met with her because she makes me very nervous...she's beautiful and kind & I find her intimidating. I think I can learn to cope with the short-term anxiety, but my insecurity still gets the better of me: I question her motives for trying to include me, telling myself that she only pities me, or I talk myself out of phoning or e-mailing her because I don't want to be a nuisance. Regular people take seemingly kind gestures at face value, I think too much.

She hasn't contacted me for ages. I see this as evidence that she never really wanted to know me, but I have failed to follow up several of her invites. Perhaps she got frustrated or decided I'm unfriendly? I don't doubt that socially anxious people are damaging to others.

The big thing to remember with love-shy men is that asking a girl out is not a riskless endeavour -- failure is very possible, and that failure carries with it a psychological cost (feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and possibly even depression). Everyone knows this, even unconsciously, which is why practically no one asks out every attractive person they come across. Self-esteem is a precious thing, and must be protected.

Some people either have a lot of self-esteem to begin with, or regenerate it quickly. Others (social anxiety sufferers among them) don't have a lot of self-esteem hit points to go around, so the cost of a social/romantic failure is much more serious. Love-shy/socially anxious men have to play the odds very carefully, and they don't leap before they look (no matter how long the look might take).

I say this all pretty confidently, because I'm an utter sufferer of this problem. I'm uneasy around people as it is, but I'm doubly uncomfortable around my peers, and triply so around girls.

Very true, Avery. I've had the same experience.

When someone is rejected by someone they like and hold in high regard, that someone generally feels worse about themselves and for someone with confidence/self-esteem issues, it really does feel like the end of the world.

JA2007 said:

I wish guys wouldn't ignore girls when they like us. I think it's really cute when they are casual about it and find random reasons to talk to me. I like that because I'm way to shy to get to know a guy without him talking to me first. If I really like him the shyness goes away and getting to know him motivates me to talk to him. For me, there definitely has to be a connection from the start and that can't really happen if no one is talking.

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I'm terrified of approaching a female because I'm scared of being laughed at. I don't want her to joke about me or gossip with her friends about my misadventure. So is it as easy as you say? Wouldn't you find it funny if a shy guy came up to you and tried to get casual?

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J_M said:

We often feel like we're not worthy and will be ridiculed for trying to go out of our league.

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In my case I don't feel I'm unworthy, I know I'm unworthy, so why even bother.

why are you unworthy..are you a murderer, rapist, pedaphile....

Haha no I'm just a social outcast....no friends, or any chance of a decent job. While I'm not materialistic, 99% of women (people for that matter) are, so how am I to connect with anyone? No one wants a depressed reclusive loner, and you can't blame them either.

^^*Cynic D=
Have a better outlook on yr life. You really don't know what might happen. x