To have desire for love, or not to desire love?

JamesSmith

Well-known member
This question I've asked myself is, should we even want love? Should we want to be married before we meet the person that we do marry? Because the way I look at it, many people just want to get married, so the first person they feel meets their qualifications for "the right one," they will marry them and will be driven to do that largely by the fact that they were searching for love and wanted love before they met their partner they decided to marry.

I've noticed many people on this site are plagued by their lack of being in relationships, and no I'm not insulting anyone considering I am one of these people who are never in a relationship except for that one fling 5 years ago. I've been leaning towards a different viewpoint lately, this viewpoint being I shouldn't care whether I am in a relationship or not and that I shouldn't have the desire for a girlfriend/spouse. I'm thinking that we should just live our life with no intentions of finding of an intimate partner to love. If it does happen that we fall in love, that's fine. What do you all think of this philosophy?
 

planemo

Well-known member
I've been leaning towards a different viewpoint lately, this viewpoint being I shouldn't care whether I am in a relationship or not and that I shouldn't have the desire for a girlfriend/spouse. I'm thinking that we should just live our life with no intentions of finding of an intimate partner to love.

Well I'm adopting that attitude from now on. But that's just me, given my inability to socialize etc. If someone else is capable of being in a relationship then I think they should go ahead with it, but ultimately it depends on the individual and his/her specific circumstances. To some, like us, maybe it's better to not place a huge pressure of finding the perfect one. It's like someone who is afraid of snakes, placing a pressure on himself to find the perfect pet snake (well kinda, you get my drift).

But ultimately I think love is a word often misrepresented. When people marry the word love goes out the window and is replaced by tolerance. It's not that people stop loving one another but they can't seem to tolerate each other that leads to divorce etc. So maybe love is just a term we make up, to explain our feelings. Who knows?
 

3lefts

Well-known member
Loving the love and not the lover.
The reason I fear love. Afraid they love the love and not me, afraid I love the love and not them. Neither of us really matters in that situation. I want to literally be in love with each-other. Passionate, even if un-lasting. For these reasons I agree with your philosophy and partake.

However we are of the physical and we are physically designed to crave the physical.
 
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JamesSmith

Well-known member
Loving the love and not the lover.
The reason I fear love. Afraid they love the love and not me, afraid I love the love and not them. Neither of us really matters in that situation. I want to literally be in love with each-other. Passionate, even if un-lasting. For these reasons I agree with your philosophy and partake.

However we are of the physical and we are physically designed to crave the physical.

Yep, that's what I was talking about when I was saying people are searching for love before they find it. Many people are loving the love as you are saying.

Love is physical, it's when it's just physical and nothing else, then that's not love. This is something that bothers me, because I'm not sure if love exists because the first thing that drives love is sex. Many people look for the most "attractive" mate first. that's all physical.
 

3lefts

Well-known member
This is something that bothers me, because I'm not sure if love exists because the first thing that drives love is sex. Many people look for the most "attractive" mate first. that's all physical.

This is something that bothers me also.
Perhaps love is mistaken as an overall good feeling because we mix it with such. For example we always say we love something when it feels good. I love dancing, I love cake, I love that show etc. etc.
Then again perhaps that's all love is. And that's why sex is making love.
 
I'm thinking that we should just live our life with no intentions of finding of an intimate partner to love. If it does happen that we fall in love, that's fine.

This is really sensible, but unfortunately society will always try to make you fell weird just for trying to enjoy your life alone. Although is a good thought, when the chips are down it's doesn't work. Hell is other people.
 

goldenholds

Well-known member
I agree with the philosophy that one should live one’s life, and find love as it finds you, so to speak. I have felt that looking for love before I have found it is disingenuous, because it means I was just needing to love, and would only be picking someone out of a crowd to fill that need.

But at the same time, we are human and we do need love, and there is nothing wrong with accepting that. Secondly, regardless of what we try to do to find love, the truth is that love happens of its own accord. Many people will say that they found love when they least expected it, or when they stopped trying so hard. That’s because its nearly irrelevant what we do, so therefore I don't think we should beat ourselves up for trying. What we do get out of trying is practice and experience, which will only help us when we do find love. I myself have the relationship experience of a 10 year old. And that doesn't make things easier, better, or the love you find any truer.

And for the record, I most certainly did NOT pick her out of a crowd because I was lonely. And I wasn't even looking, avoiding it even, yet still it found me. And as yet to leave me.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
This is really sensible, but unfortunately society will always try to make you fell weird just for trying to enjoy your life alone. Although is a good thought, when the chips are down it's doesn't work. Hell is other people.

Who cares what society thinks? I'll do what I want, it's my life. I was just asking what you all thought so maybe I could learn how other people think and learn something new. How is hell other people? There are a bunch of evil people out there, but there also a bunch of nice, great people out there.

Society can make me try to feel weird for being alone all they want. I can't control what they do or say. Besides, they are right, being alone for as long as I have is unusual, but I don't see much wrong with it. If they think I should feel bad about not having a partner for this long than I think they have problems themselves with being dependent on a partner and don't know how to live for themselves.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I agree with the philosophy that one should live one’s life, and find love as it finds you, so to speak. I have felt that looking for love before I have found it is disingenuous, because it means I was just needing to love, and would only be picking someone out of a crowd to fill that need.

But at the same time, we are human and we do need love, and there is nothing wrong with accepting that. Secondly, regardless of what we try to do to find love, the truth is that love happens of its own accord. Many people will say that they found love when they least expected it, or when they stopped trying so hard. That’s because its nearly irrelevant what we do, so therefore I don't think we should beat ourselves up for trying. What we do get out of trying is practice and experience, which will only help us when we do find love. I myself have the relationship experience of a 10 year old. And that doesn't make things easier, better, or the love you find any truer.

And for the record, I most certainly did NOT pick her out of a crowd because I was lonely. And I wasn't even looking, avoiding it even, yet still it found me. And as yet to leave me.

I got kind of confused by your answer. Do you believe in searching for love, or do you think we should just live life and if love happens then it happens?
 

Just G

Well-known member
The only thing that is important in life is living for your own enjoyment, and fulfilling the values that are important to you, regardless of whether anyone recognizes or acknowledges it.

The way I look at it, you put yourself out there because of what it does for you as a person - the emotional balance it gives you, the sense of contribution, of being fit to meet the requirements of life, etc.

In other words, it’s about the PROCESS.

When we set ourselves up to strictly live for results, we live and die by those results.

What happens when we do this is that we deprive ourselves from living.

Living is about cultivating the best life for ourselves. Living is about being out there with everyone else. The human species, like any other species, has to be around the same species to survive.

When you are attached to an outcome, you are actually fearing loss, and when the law of attraction goes to work, that loss is exactly what you experience - loss.

When we are able to bring postive energy into our lives and into ourselves, the law of attraction will have no chance but to work in accordance to our inner most wants and desires.
 
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JamesSmith

Well-known member
The only thing that is important in life is living for your own enjoyment, and fulfilling the values that are important to you, regardless of whether anyone recognizes or acknowledges it.

The way I look at it, you put yourself out there because of what it does for you as a person - the emotional balance it gives you, the sense of contribution, of being fit to meet the requirements of life, etc.

In other words, it’s about the PROCESS.

When we set ourselves up to strictly live for results, we live and die by those results.

What happens when we do this is that we deprive ourselves from living.

Living is about cultivating the best life for ourselves. Living is about being out there with everyone else. The human species, like any other species, has to be around the same species to survive.

When you are attached to an outcome, you are actually fearing loss, and when the law of attraction goes to work, that loss is exactly what you experience - loss.

When we are able to bring postive energy into our lives and into ourselves, the law of attraction will have no chance but to work in accordance to our inner most wants and desires.

What does any of this have to do with my question?
 
I want to literally be in love with each-other. Passionate, even if un-lasting

Yes. Connected, accepting, longing-for, interested-in, trusting, built on strong friendship. Always un-lasting, in this mortal life at least.


...the first thing that drives love is sex. Many people look for the most "attractive" mate first. that's all physical.

Often but not always. Ideally, love felt mutually first^, then sex becomes a natural physical connectedness that deepens and affirms that love.
 
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spaceboy135

Well-known member
Here's a good quote:

Dumb people go on dates.
Smart people get married.
Smarter people go canoeing.

That quote changed my life forever. For the better, too.
 

Just G

Well-known member
What does any of this have to do with my question?

Haha, not anything really. It's my advice to you, which I thought would apply to the theme of the thread. It's what I've discovered as the answer to all this.

JamesSmith said:
I shouldn't care whether I am in a relationship or not

Ok, perfectly acceptable. Not crazy at all. :)

JamesSmith said:
I shouldn't have the desire for a girlfriend/spouse.

I may sound like a three year old when I ask this, but why should you NOT have the desire for a girlfriend/spouse? In my opinion, it's a natural and healthy desire.
 
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goldenholds

Well-known member
I got kind of confused by your answer. Do you believe in searching for love, or do you think we should just live life and if love happens then it happens?

Sorry for the confusion. Basically, I've changed my view.

In the past I have not searched for love, and I did think it was wrong for me to do so, but I have changed my view on that. Though I am still just living my life, in the future if I need it, it will be ok for me to search for love. As it stands right now, I have no need of searching.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Ha ha, well, different things work for different people...

Some people just 'give up on love' (release all expectations) and actually that is when things happen to them...
Others look for love and find it... or not.. :) Or may experience it, and than it's not 'real love' or true compatibility.. and they may learn from the experience or not, some just keep making the same mistakes, some find better ways..

It depends on your personal circumstances... If you are 18 or 20, you have a lot of time to meet someone and decide if you want to be in a relationship or not..
Some people may indeed be better off 'not in a relationship'..

It's natural to want to be with someone, that's how we were 'programmed' to ensure survival of the species, sort of.. :) It's just when you become obsessed with 'having to find someone' that it can become unhealthy..

'Marmalade love' is when you love someone because they make you feel good... and you aren't really thinking about what they need or want, what is best for them, more about what is best for you.. 'True love' is when you love someone, flaws and all, and wish them well, whether together or apart... wishing them what is best for them.. The 'grown up' love can be very difficult, and many people today do not move on from the initial attraction, and may even confuse attraction for 'love'... many also mix up love and desire...

For some people, desire of love is not really an 'option', it's more like a feeling.. you can focus on work or hobbies or other things to let go of it.. sometimes you can realize you've spent all that time and maybe you could still do all those things if you were with an understanding someone too.. so, it depends..

not sure if I'm being 'on topic' either - OP, if it works for you right now, go for it! you can change your mind later anyway... just know that if you're a girl it may be a bit different..

someone on another forum wrote that if you wish to marry, it's good to start working on that when you're 15 - to find friends and people among whom to find a good husband etc. If you wake up at 30 and start thinking, hey I might wanna get married anyway, it might be a bit late... but then again people do get married at different times in life anyway... so, hm?
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
Something I've heard a lot of people say is love doesn't make sense and that it is blind. I've got a big problem with this. If something doesn't make sense, then why would I want to be in it (love)? I know I probably sound stupid when I write this, but why should I be in love? What is a g/f or spouse besides a great friend that you around a lot of the time and have sex with? And I'm not homosexual, but why does this woman (in a guy's case) have more importance over his best male friend? From what I've seen, many guys bond better with men than women, and men are easier for guys like me to talk to. The idea of love is that (if you are heterosexual) you are putting a person of the opposite sex above everyone else. Now, we know that about 96% of people get married at some time in their life. So that means 96% of people made the decision that someone of the opposite sex was the most important person to them in the world. That seems impossible. Why can't this best friend be a male for guys? Why can't your best friend be above your wife? It sounds to me like all these people are bowing down to sex and making sex the reason they should get married. I admit I've felt this way before, I've felt that I better get a wife so I don't die alone. Well that is fear, not love. And I think fear is a powerful emotion, and many people (not all of course) are getting married because they are afraid of being alone and not having someone to have sex with.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Something I've heard a lot of people say is love doesn't make sense and that it is blind.
I think they meant it when they looked at a couple and couldn't figure out why they were together at all!! (I've met some of such couples lol.) /eg if one of them is generally considered very beautiful/sweet/great person and the other 'nothing special'/bad personality/or even 'jerk'... Usually, there was still some trait the other one greatly admired in the other one.. some of these relationships have been surprisingly long-lasting too../

I've got a big problem with this. If something doesn't make sense, then why would I want to be in it (love)? I know I probably sound stupid when I write this, but why should I be in love?
You don't have to ha ha.. We're all different.. If you don't want to be, don't.. There was a thread 'Why should I have a girlfriend?' have you read it? It was quite interesting too..

What is a g/f or spouse besides a great friend that you around a lot of the time and have sex with?
lol I guess you have not experienced 'true love' then? :)
Maybe you don't even believe in it? Well, some people do, and I've seen it happen for some people..

And I'm not homosexual, but why does this woman (in a guy's case) have more importance over his best male friend? From what I've seen, many guys bond better with men than women, and men are easier for guys like me to talk to.
Well, again, people are different... If best friends get significant others, it can be annoying.. I guess this is something that's maybe easiest to understand when/if it happens to you, when you meet somebody and fall in love.. I don't think 'happy couples' do it on purpose, they're usually just taken with each other, and live in some sort of 'bubble of love'.. and you're still a meaningful friend, though time for hanging out may be decreased.. I think it's good if both still respect friendships and have time apart, with friends, too..

The idea of love is that (if you are heterosexual) you are putting a person of the opposite sex above everyone else.
Well, that's the idea of some people... Some wives/husbands want to have their partner for them alone or may be jealous.. others are okay with it, if their partners have friends etc. It's not putting 'above all else' it's just about making a committment and staying with it.. If you two have children, it's only fair that both spend time with them and take care of them, it's not fair if either one of the couple sleeps around, leaving the other one home alone with the kids, no?
(unless it's a non-traditional marriage, and I've heard those may be difficult to pull off well & may not last long..)

Now, we know that about 96% of people get married at some time in their life.
I think the percentage may actually be smaller, did you research this? Or at least percentage of single people (including divorced & widowed & never married) is bigger!

So that means 96% of people made the decision that someone of the opposite sex was the most important person to them in the world. That seems impossible. Why can't this best friend be a male for guys? Why can't your best friend be above your wife?
Well, some people do it this way too.. And I think the gay movement would be happy to get another supporter :)

It sounds to me like all these people are bowing down to sex and making sex the reason they should get married. I admit I've felt this way before, I've felt that I better get a wife so I don't die alone. Well that is fear, not love. And I think fear is a powerful emotion, and many people (not all of course) are getting married because they are afraid of being alone and not having someone to have sex with.
People marry for all sorts of reasons, for some, it's fear or sex/lust indeed.. for others, it may be true love.. It's difficult to tell what is what from the outside, the people in question know it best... (if they do.. some mistake these things too..)

I've had marriage phobia for a while.. I think if it's with a right sort of guy it could be fun, otherwise it may not be worth it.. :)
Just depends if you can find someone like that, or not..
 

Minty

Well-known member
You should search for it but don't get too desperate. And don't despair if you don't find the right person for many, many years.

The reason I say that is because if you aren't the least bit proactive about finding someone, you probably won't. I barely leave my house and I have very little contact with people outside of my family. So until this changes, I will never have an opportunity to meet someone. I would have to take some initiative-- go to places, make eye contact, try to meet people. This is the only way I would meet someone.

Most things in life are gray. Taking a black or white stance will only get you in trouble. In other words, shutting out all possibility of love (people will sense this in you even if you don't tell them outright and will consider you unavailable, leading to missed opportunities) vs. throwing yourself at people in a needy, desperate way because you want a relationship. Both are unhealthy.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
As for the 96% of people get married in their lifetime statistic, that is a fact but only in the USA. I took a class in college and this survey was done and was written in a textbook, and I believe it to be true. I'm not sure if Europe is different, but I'd imagine it's not much different. Whatever the % is there, I'm sure it's above 90%. I see you were surprised, Feathers, by that stat and so was I when I read it, it made me feel sad at the time because I know it is possibility that i will be in that 4% cuz of my struggle with SAD.

My previous post was a little bit of venting and I just wanted my thoughts to get out so someone could read it and give insight. I had a problem myself with this best friend getting a g/f issue, maybe that's where my anger is coming from. When I was at college, I made a best friend there and we would hang out almost every day for a couple months. Then, all of the sudden, he got a g/f. The day after I met his g/f and they told me they were together, I didn't see him again for at least a month and a half! No calls, nothing. He disappeared. He was pretty much the only guy I hung out with, so I was alone for the rest of college, and that contributed to my depression. When I did see him again, which by the way we only saw each other a couple more times throughout the rest of the year, he told me that he had been with his g/f that entire time. This is where my issue is, we were best friends and he put a woman over me just because he was having sex with her. He admitted that to my face. He told me he was just looking for "sex." I know everyone isn't like this, but I've just noticed how easily guys get whipped by opportunity to have sex. I believe it to be so powerful, that the majority of people get married so they can have sex guaranteed for the rest of their life. The sex part of love is just too powerful for me to believe in love 100%. I hope that one day I find that there is love and that is beautiful, but right now I see a culture blinded by sex and social status, and social status is what I wanted to discuss next as a reason why people get married and have g/fs or b/fs in a woman's case.
 
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