Your Story

[Cynical]

I want to hear from other people about where they think their social anxiety problems originated from. What do you think gave rise to it? Because I think it can be, in some way, quite therapeutic. I have a lot on my mind that I feel I need to externalise, so forgive me if this is too long to read. You might also have to excuse the confused and seemingly thrown-together nature of my writing, for these are my thoughts. If it is inconvenient to read this post in its entirity, then could you perhaps be so kind as to answer my initial questions. I am interested to hear your story.

As a young kid I was a typically mischievous boy. In primary school (I realise there is an international community here, for that reason I should mention that I am referring to the British schooling system) I got into trouble with teachers quite regularly. I wasn't an angry or aggressive kid but I was, I suppose, a joker. Endeavouring in stupid, childish pranks, talking in class and generally disrupting lessons. I was quite popular in primary school and it was a significantly small primary school. I was in a group of about 4 or 5 people and we were well known for the mischief we got in to.

Then I arrived at high school. Far bigger than anything I had experienced before and very nervous on my first day but I had my old primary school friends with me which was comforting. For the first couple of years we pretty much acted the same as we did in primary. Joking around, getting in trouble. Of course, we all started meeting new people and making new friends. This was I suppose the beginning of the end of this small band of brothers. At about the third year I started getting bullied. I was insulted, degraded and made to feel very awkward in social situations. It is from here that I think my social anxiety and depression came from. My old primary friends had moved on to different groups. So I became very quiet, I withdrew. Stopped talking in class and answering questions. I wanted to fade away into the background and be unnoticed. My behaviour had become quite antithetical to my behaviour in primary school. Such is the effect bullying has, as you might know. For the final 3 years I was bullied, never physically, but verbally. My self-confidence and self-esteem had both been destroyed. I was relieved on my final day of high school and looked forward to going to a new college and meeting different people - starting fresh. However I was carrying with me the effects of bullying, which can for many people last well in to their adult life.

Before I started college, I fell in love with a girl I had been friends with for a while (she wasn't from my high school). It was to my surprise that she had fallen for me too. And it was surprising because I had never had any female attention in high school and I remember lying in my bed at night, telling myself that I would never get a girlfriend. And she was far too beautiful for me. But I deeply loved this girl (my first love), and for 9 months we were together. Never once in these nine months, untill the end, had we argued. We were really very compatible, more so than most people I suspect. For those nine months I had never felt happier. I felt I could be myself with her, that when I was with her my anxieties would disappear. Of course, as with most relationships, it didn't work out. Unforseen events led to us breaking up, and it was quite a messy break up. As you could imagine, I was completely heart broken and it took me several months for the pain to settle down. Even today, 2-3 years on it can be quite upsetting to think about sometimes. I have been single ever since that relationship and in the course of that time I have missed opportunities I should have taken with other girls that I could have had a chance with. This break up contributed greatly to my depression.

Going back a little bit before that break up, I had started college with a new hope that I would make new friends. I was at first outgoing and friendly to people. I made acquaintances and people with whom I would hang out with while at college. I never took any relationships much further though, which was a mistake. So the people I hung out with at college only remained acquiantances. I also had another problem, I was stuck in a routine. Got up in the morning, showed up to lesson, went home, play Xbox, go to sleep. Sometimes I didn't even show up to lessons because I had no motivation at all. After some months of this routine, I had reached a point at which I decided that I couldn't go on like this. I had to do something with my life. So I organised a gap year, to work as a volunteer in Australia after finishing college. And here I am right now in Australia thousands of miles from home. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, still making the same mistakes and falling in to the same tedious routines. That's my story so far...

 

[Feathers]

Hey Cynical & Welcome!

Many people have posted their stories already, and there were threads about possible origins... It's usually different for different people, the exact events that trigger SA and/or depression.. often these two go hand in hand, sometimes separately... it can be a mix of factors: nutrition/lifestyle/environment and trigger events like yours...

I was a mischievous kid too, ha ha.. Have you read Tom Sawyer?
maybe constant negative comments or fear/anxiety of parents/relatives can contribute to SA too.. your brain may get 'wired' for negative self-talk or such.. and it may take some effort to unlearn that..

Sorry to hear about the bullying.. maybe those people just thought they could call you names as you were a 'wiseguy' and that you'd reply with something funny anyway? Some might also get insulted or jealous.. or have bad sense of humor?? It may be difficult to dance the fine line between humor and insulting sometimes..

You're young and you can still meet many people and turn your life around!!

Break-ups can be hard, a gap year in Australia sounds interesting!!
It's good that you were able to be sociable before and wishing you to become happier again!!
Have you tried any CBT yet?

 

[probs]

My story begins in the school, like most of the people I guess.

Since I was young I was a "freak" since I was realy interested in learning rather than just going to school, I think it all started when I was 10 years old. My "classmates" started bullying me and I just did nothing. I coped with it for like 2 years when I finally couldn't stand that anymore and I hit the "leader" of them, I had so much rage in that moment that just in one hit he was in the ground unable to stand up. That stopped me being bullied, at school.
I didn't have any friends at my classroom, my friends were one year younger than me, but they eventually started caring about smoking and that kind of stuff (when they were just 12...) so I stopped going with them. That was one of the longest summers I've ever had, I spent the whole summer at home just playing with the computer.

I thought going to the high school would solve my problems. The first year I wasn't able to make any friends, used to spend my time alone or with random people wich just used to laugh at me and so on. The second year was way better, I met some people I thought they were like me, same people who would betray me 2 years later because I wasn't "cool" enough to go with them.

Finally, on the last two years on high school I met my current friends, who weren't on my class so I still had to put up with my "classmates" who won't stop humiliating and insulting me.

For the last 8 years, suicide has been a recurrent thought, I have never actually considered seriously, but I used to think a lot about it.

Currently I'm studying at the university my live is much better than before, I even have some "friends" at my classroom, and I don't even have to pretend I'm not the way I am, they accept me.

Regarding to having a girlfriend I have never had one, I have tried but that just brought me more pain and more thoughts about suicide after I was rejected, because I knew they were actually lying.

I wouldn't say I have SA or depression. A lot of people call me antisocial, my father even say me I'm not OK, that I have a problem and so on. I just don't like doing a lot of stuff the society likes like drinking alcohol, smoking and that kind of "cool" stuff.
When I try to speak with people about something "weird" I'm either called freak, or they change the subject, so why would I have a relationship with somebody I have nothing in common. That's why I prefer being alone than pretending I'm another person.
I don't know if there's a name for this, but what I do is avoiding unconfortable situations (such as going out with a friend because he/she is bringing a friend of his/hers).
Currently I'm 19 and I actually don't care anymore about being accepted by the rest of the people. "Better alone than having a bad company".

So that's my story so far, I'm sure I missed a lot but it's too long already...

I hope there aren't many mistakes

 

[Phoenixx]

Welcome Cynical! This is a very interesting thread. I’m still somewhat new here (Only been here a month) and I’ve never really told my story, so I guess this is the perfect place to start.


First off, I was never completely shy or social phobic. When I was little, I was pretty much the opposite. I loved being the center of attention at school, always loved talking to people and making friends, etc. I got teased a little bit as a kid, but what kid doesn’t? And I never took it to heart, no matter what I always did my own thing.

Then when I was about 8, I moved to a completely new location. For most of my life I lived in the city, only to move to an extremely rural area. I was exceptionally nervous starting a new school, but within weeks I got back into my old routine of hanging out and talking with pretty much anybody. However once I reached 7th grade, kids started to tease me more. I had gained quite a bit of weight over that summer before, so I usually got called “fat” and “ugly”. I also hung out with a horrible group of friends, who not only teased me, but they were into drinking and just all sorts of bad stuff, even at 13. I eventually got the courage and pretty much ditched them, refused to hang with them anymore. They teased me even more after that, even to this day but not as bad.

After a hellish year of 7th grade, little did I know 8th grade would be 5 times worse. I still got teased at school, but things also started to take a turn at home. My mom started to get really sick, battling chest infections, muscle weakness, you name it. This quickly lead her into depression. If I did something wrong, or if she was just angry, she would literally go into a rage. She insulted me, called me names such as “b****”, “stupid”, “fat”, “lazy”, etc. (My brother joined in on these insults too) Having been teased at school enough, only to come home to get even more insulted, pushed me into depression as well. I thought going to family get-togethers would take my mind off these things, but I got teased there too. My cousins would call me all sorts of names, and when I brought up these problems to my mother she simply told me to “just get over it.” That really stung, and since then I’ve never talked to her about any of my problems, not even my SA. That year was pretty much the worst year in my life. I got so depressed that at one point, I felt practically nothing but sadness. I didn’t smile, I didn’t care how I looked, I didn’t eat, I didn’t talk to anyone, not even my new group of friends, and I didn’t even feel anger. Just nothing but sadness.

After that year, I pretty much just withdrew completely. I didn’t talk in class anymore, I always looked down as I walked, I hated attention and hated being singled out, and I didn’t go out of my way to talk to anyone new, meet anyone, etc. (And I’m still currently like this) I was actually afraid of those things now, I was afraid of meeting new people, thinking they’d tease me or insult me in some way. I feared being the center of attention, knowing I’d mess up and get made fun of somehow. By 9th grade (I was 15), my mom got treatment and figured out her illness was from food allergies, and was also put on antidepressants (Which she still takes I believe). The teasing didn’t totally stop, but it definitely kept it to a minimum. Teasing stopped a little at school too, so I started getting some confidence back. A year later I was also diagnosed with food allergies, even more than what my mom has. Those at school who found out about my allergies started to tease me to no end yet again. And still do to this day, that’s why I try to keep it a bit of a secret from everyone else.

So now here I am. I’m 17, never had a boyfriend, pretty much completely withdrawn with SA and partial AvPD, but not nearly depressed as what I used to be. I’m slowly starting to take control of this and turning myself into the person I want to be, little baby steps at a time. There are times where I just go back into my old ways and become depressed for days, sometimes for weeks or months. But I just keep trying and trying, hopefully I’ll get it one of these days. (And I apologize for the long post)

 

[Cynical]

Hi there Feathers. I had suspected that there may be other similar threads and that explains the utter lack of responses. I suppose this thread was more about contemplating my own situation in an externalised form rather than constantly going over it in mind. I think it can be soothing somehow, at least to me. With regards to Tom Sawyer, I haven't actually read the book itself yet I am familiar with the story. I also watched a film version of the book some years ago. Nor have I tried CBT. I did attend, very reluctantly since I am usually unwilling to talk about my problems, a couple of counselling sessions which ultimately did not help me.

Hello Probs, thanks for replying. Interesting when you said 'I wouldn't say I have SA or depression' yet you sound as if you suffer from some of these conditions' respective symptoms. I don't think my social anxiety is as bad as others perhaps. For periods of time it seems I can be confident, sociable and happy but after some time I capitulate to depression and anxiety. And this has been a recurring thing for me for some years. I have also occasionally had suicidal thoughts in more vulnerable moments yet I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it. What are you studying at univeristy?

Hi Phoenixx, I might ask what are you doing now? Are you at college? I assume you are American so I am not familiar with your schooling system. Are you still living with your parents?

 

[Dr. Doom]

I think where it comes from is living in Texas. I lived from '06-'09. I had 7-9th grade there. Before then I used to live in Arizona. In AZ I had quite a few kids on my street that I would hangout/play with. Sleep overs, birthday parties, and just going over to people's houses. I had freinds at school, in boy scouts and on my street. When I moved to Texas I had nobody on my street and I quit the scouts in AZ. In my school it was the first year it was opened so all the other kids were from one of three different other schools in the area. I was able to make some freinds, but not as much I had in Arizona. I also lost touch with everybody in AZ. My first year there I talked in every class, I made reputation as a funny kid because I would joke around a lot, I was hyper. I've only had 1 freind at 1 time see my house and room.

My second year, 8th grade, was stressful because by then I was looking at girls and I thought I couldn't have any because of my weight so I never tryed. I also had a lot of people from last year who remembered me as being funny. So now I was almost pressured into trying to be funny and it made it pretty awkward. I didnt talk to anybody in three classes. I was afraid for some reason I didn't know then. I still had fun that year because in a few classes my brand of humour really worked, I made maybe one of two new freinds that year.

My last year is TX, 9th grade, was the worst. I didn't talk at all in most my classes. I made about 1 new freind and lost half my other ones. I felt so weird because there were really hot girls and I still thought I couldn't get anyone so I never tryed. I have a fe wgood memories from 9th grade but not a lot. Still I didn't have anybody over at my house. In Texas my best friends were probably my two cousins. I would visit them every month on the weekend, sometimes twice. I've always admired them because they were in a lot of extra curriculars and were very popular in school.

At the end of '08 my parents announced we'd be moving. We were going to Minnesota. I was excited because I thought it would be a change for me, not to mention all the cold weather. At the end of school year I started to get really anxious for the upcoming 10th grade year in MN. At the end of the summer, my brother in law announced that they had divorced in february...I was kind of shocked. I learned that my mom would be staying in Texas-I've always been more closer to her-and I would be living with my dad. It made me really anxious and I started getting depressed from there.

more still, gotta get to lunch

 

[Dronee]

Before I started college, I fell in love with a girl I had been friends with for a while (she wasn't from my high school). It was to my surprise that she had fallen for me too. And it was surprising because I had never had any female attention in high school and I remember lying in my bed at night, telling myself that I would never get a girlfriend. And she was far too beautiful for me. But I deeply loved this girl (my first love), and for 9 months we were together. Never once in these nine months, until the end, had we argued. We were really very compatible, more so than most people I suspect. For those nine months I had never felt happier. I felt I could be myself with her, that when I was with her my anxieties would disappear.

... Any chance to get back together now? It sounded like you had something truly beautiful there... I think many people waited a lifetime for something like that.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Hey, thanks for posting this thread and sharing that story, Cynical, and everybody else. I am sure in a typing mood today

Story...story... Hmmm. I can't quite get it straight, because I don't remember a lot of my childhood up until... 13. I mean, I can't remember the me part of my childhood, what I thought, and mainly, what I felt. But I can guess

Here are my guesses
My story started when I was born, 1.5 years after my older sister, and 1.5 years before my younger sister. You can assume that this left me more neglected as both of them. My older sister was the first to start blossoming and was given attention for it, and my younger sister was the most needy and was given attention for it. Add to this that they were both very vocal, loud babies and I almost never made a sound. I believe I must have faced some neglect, especially physical neglect, otherwise I don't know where else my fear of physical and emotional contact could originate.

Growing up... I had a really severe food intolerance, that basically made me seem like I was on opiates all the time. It made me seem like I was dazed, and always exhausted. My teachers inquired about this... but overall, it kept me 100% quiet, always too tired, and thus forgotten. This sort of neglect because of this...doped up look and quiet nature because of it, allowed family to neglect me in most of their lives. It also allowed me to become a doormat, because somehow I had no preconceived notion that I existed as a human being. I had a chant when I was 7ish years old, that was "I am here to make others happy, and then I can die happy". So I too began to neglect myself

This doped up look had my parents pondering whether I had minor autism, too
Either way, around the age of 6 (or atleast that's as far back as I remember being,), I suddenly became a tech-a-holic. I spent all of my hours either at school, or on the computer/nintendo/gameboy/television. I think around this time, we all started replacing the comfort of close and undistracted parents with technology. This certainly gave me the perception of a very close and solitary world... Along with my already social uninterested...behavior.

The whole food intolerance stuff also made me really..dazed looking, all the time, really slow moving, no eye contact, I mumbled so tinily and incoherently... Would stare with my mouth open, only taking interest in repatative things, eyes glazed, all day kind of thing. (Once again, this seems autistic behavior) And my family began to make fun of me for this. They would sit together and laugh about everything they could think of that was wrong with me, I was further excluded, it felt like I was no a part of my family.

Also, I was very, very into my school work. It was the main focus, after videogames, of my life. I would do everything so precisely and would be doing whole extra-credit projects! I became known as "The Smart One", and even though it was better than my last title, "The forgotten child", I received attention solely for my intelligence and was further neglected physically/emotionally. Not the mention I was made-fun-of more by my family, I think because I was so quiet and unsocial that they couldn't figure me out. That's my mother's guess.

And then there was the move. I moved from Oregon to BC when I was 10-ish. I had established close friendships in Oregon, very close. I even had a best friend and we would do things like play wrestle, and hang out all the time. (Odd!) Not to mention their home was my second home, and I felt included and loved there, by her and her mom. The move to BC tore me apart, upon reaching BC I isolated myself in books and technology even further. I began to spend all of my days in my room. I became a very depressed child, and began a habit of crying from 11-3am, which would last the next 5 years.

Unfortunately I never learned how to make friends, because my mother had set up the last ones... She was nice enough to set me up with another little girl to play with and we became really good friends for 3 years. But, the new school excluded the new kids, and seemed stuck up. They looked down on us, I began getting made fun of for the way I looked instead of being admired, like at the other school, and that must have really affected me.

Then then then... I for some odd reason began developing qualities of AvPD. I pushed away all 3 of my friends, including the one I was very close to. (I still regret this doing... ) I was angry that I had attached to stubborn figures and had always been the little thing attached to them needily. In highschool, I made another best friend, and after 3 years I pushed her away, too. I still don't know why, I have such abandonment issues. But I believe it could very well be from the move, and the time of the move, such a crucial developmental place, socially, in my life. I remember I pushed them away because I just didn't want to hang out with people anymore, it was exhausting and pointless to me

I have heard a lot about autism and this gluten and casein intolerance, something like 90% of autistic children show improvement or complete healing from autism on the diet. I often wonder if I had autism all along from these food intolerances that I just discovered 1 year ago... because before, I was a completely different person. I had 0 interest in human communication, leading me to leaving my friends. I had no emotions, and would stare at a white wall for fun for hours, or absorb myself in the colour of a lollipop for hours... These last two years I've had to re-discover that I am human. I have become a different person.

SORRY THAT WAS SO LONG! But it felt really gratifying to get all of it out, again

 

[Sial Axetder]

I was young once. That's my story.

 

[Phoenixx]

Hi Phoenixx, I might ask what are you doing now? Are you at college? I assume you are American so I am not familiar with your schooling system. Are you still living with your parents?

Yes I am American. Right now I am in my last year (Senior year) of high school. High school started for me in 7th grade as we don't have a middle school, so it was somewhat harder starting out. I am still living with my parents, but I do plan to go to college next fall. Where at, I haven't exactly decided. Have a few colleges in mind and have applied, but still unsure.

 

[Cynical]

... Any chance to get back together now? It sounded like you had something truly beautiful there... I think many people waited a lifetime for something like that.

It doesn't seem likely really. We hardly speak to each other now and she has a boyfriend anyway. I can't do the whole 'just friends' thing. We used to be very good friends and we could talk about random things for hours on end but I don't know what to say to her anymore.

Hello Escape Artist and Frank. Thanks for your replies and I have read your posts. Hey Sial, care to elaborate mate?

 

[alejandro84]

i think mine originated from my time at secondary school when i was 11-16. I only had a small circle of friends and I was never encouraged to get out the house and doing things. All my close friends were in different parts of the town, we didn't hang out long enough. Dad was rather strict and i couldn't ask him if i was allowed to do things so ended up staying at home. I felt isolated, people began alienating me, girls would call me nasty names like ugly etc, got rejected and never got a yes from a girl. By then i was 15-16 and i started showing signs of anxiety, i found out a girl liked me and i liked her too and i was too shy to talk to her she ended up hating me. My attitude started to drop to a can't be bothered one and my grades went downhill. Since ive been an adult ive found those close friends i had all move away got partners of their own and im left with no-one. I cant go out to a pub and make friends easily im always sitting there in the corner so i gave up that. I now shy away from any invitations to hang out because of fear of being the lonely one in the pub. Dont have much in common with people anymore i feel so diffferent to everyone else. I get the feeling that everyone doesn't like me and i cant speak up in certain situations. I cant look people in the eye especially attractive women who i fancy i end up ignoring them even when i want to be close to them. I now spend most of my spare time in my room where its nice and quiet watch TV or go on the internet. My life seems to have spiralled out of control. Where next?

 

[Cynical]

I can relate to a lot you have said, Alejandro!

 

[Liam17]

Well it all started when i got bad acne, i got bullied like hell, lost of confidence, i self harmed and my life basically fell apart. The medication, to get rid of the acne (that worked) left me with a side effect of depression. However i do have some scars from the treatment still. This is what makes me think i'm ugly etc. So i was depressed, while being bullied and on top of pressure of my exams. In many exams i had to do presentations, well i had no confidence, i shake when standing up in front of others. This effected my overall grade. I started not leaving my house, not eating, over eating etc.

It Just kept getting worse, this year, well last year. Was the start i gained a little more confidence made a few new friends, but i'm still very unconfident in everything i do.

 

[3lefts]

Story...story... Hmmm.

You seem yet, an even more intriguing person.




My story is lost. I don't think I want to find it.

 

[Cynical]

Hi Liam. I still have a bit of acne myself which can cause me to be self conscious sometimes. I became very apathetic about my exams and if it wasn't for my parents who pushed me to revise, with much resistance from myself, I would have failed my exams and not even cared.

Hello Katie. It sounds like you've had it pretty rough. What are you studying in college?

 

[JosephG]

I was fine in primary school! A happy go lucky kid, popular, lots of friends and no worries.
Last year of primary school however I switched friends groups and had a bit of arguements with a group who I shouldn't have been hanging round with really. They were into going round on bikes, bullying people and staying out till late. I think this was the preface for me rapidly switching through friends and never dealing with relationship issues.
First year of secondary school went okay - I had quite a few friends. But there was always issues with me socially. I would never know how to deal with problems, always run away from them and find new friends. So basically I was switching group after group after group and never really learnt how to get close to people. Then I was bullied very heavily for two years - Physically and severely emotionally. I became detached from people and at one point thought I could go through life alone.
From this point I have never felt that I can properly connect with people. When I was 14 I started smoking cannabis very heavily for about 3 years which I think didn't help at all. I could not enter a social situation without being stoned.
Then when I was 16 I feel I started to develop social anxiety. Becoming afraid of contact with other people incase they thought I was weird which I am quite a bit and just before christmas it spiralled into anxiety attacks and being stuck in doors all the time. Afraid to call people and especially be alone with someone. I can handle groups okay but sometimes I space out and just have nothing at all to say to anyone.
This is what I hate most. is having no response to what someone says to me. I just want to be happy.

This is certianlly shortened and I've missed loads of stuff out like bouts with depression. But I realise I probably should have wrote this when it wasnt half 2 in the morning. Maybe Ill finish it some day!

 

[Cynical]

That reminds me of my college days too Katie. In my first year I did terrible, my attendance was really bad and I think I failed most of my exams. Then for some reason they offered me another chance. So I changed my courses and stayed in college for an extra year. My attendance still wasn't very good but then I passed most of my exams.