Why am i scared of everything!?!

[DeadHead]

So my boyfriend is trying to teach me to play the piano and write my own songs. All he wanted me to do was to try and make something random up, just experimient. I don't yet know how to play and felt really uncomfortable trying to make something up because I know it would sound awful.

As always, when put on the spot I freeze and my mind goes completely blank. I tried to explain to him that I just couldn't do it. He kept trying to make me and got frustrated and called me annoying and said I was a baby and needed to grow up. Which almost brought me to tears.
Later on I apologized and said that next time I would try really hard to do
what he wanted.

So today, same thing happens. I just couldn't phsyically press the keys. My hands were shaking. I know it's just so stupid for me to get so terrified. He's my boyfriend, he loves me. He's not going to judge me if I suck. He just wants to teach me. I asked him later if he still liked me and he repsonded with "I guess so" at which point I start balling my eyes out.
He held me and told me it was alright and that he loved me. He said he just really hopes I wont be like this all the time because how else are we supposed to do anything together.

I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. Why can't I do a simple little thing like press some piano keys. I can't eat, cook, or clean amongst other things in front of anyone either. ARGGG. I HATE MYSELF. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ::

 

[Silvox Black]

First off I must ask, is your boyfriend aware of your anxiety and how hurt you are over his comments? If he is and he still insults you for them, then I'm afraid to say that he does not deserve to be your lover. Your lover is meant to understand and care for you. Not be ignorant of what he causes and bring pain to his partner.

Do not hate yourself. Your anxiety is not something you asked for, thus it is not your fault.

 

[johnny 85]

no offence but ur boyfriend sounds like a bully and a dictator. u should not be apologisen to him for not wanting to (been pressured into) play the piano. you sound like u have low self esteem in which case your boyfriend more dan likely knows this and is using it against you. wat age are you btw ??

 

[DeadHead]

First off I must ask, is your boyfriend aware of your anxiety and how hurt you are over his comments? If he is and he still insults you for them, then I'm afraid to say that he does not deserve to be your lover. Your lover is meant to understand and care for you. Not be ignorant of what he causes and bring pain to his partner.

Do not hate yourself. Your anxiety is not something you asked for, thus it is not your fault.

My boyfriend is aware of my anixety. He has Asperger's syndrome and has delt with his share of anixeties himself. He insults me because he doesn't know better. He doesn't really understand how deeply it hurts me when says the things he does. It's up to me to me to talk to him about how he's making me feel, but i'm a complete failure at communication.

I just wish I could just let go and relax when i'm with him. I feel like everything I have to say is lame so I shouldn't open my mouth at all. I can't do anything in front of him. I have to be alone to function as a human being.

UGH ::

 

[DeadHead]

no offence but ur boyfriend sounds like a bully and a dictator. u should not be apologisen to him for not wanting to (been pressured into) play the piano. you sound like u have low self esteem in which case your boyfriend more dan likely knows this and is using it against you. wat age are you btw ??

I want to play. I want him to teach me. I just can't friggin' do it and i'm so frustrated with myself. I am 22

 

[Silvox Black]

My boyfriend is aware of my anixety. He has Asperger's syndrome and has delt with his share of anixeties himself. He insults me because he doesn't know better. He doesn't really understand how deeply it hurts me when says the things he does. It's up to me to me to talk to him about how he's making me feel, but i'm a complete failure at communication.

I just wish I could just let go and relax when i'm with him. I feel like everything I have to say is lame so I shouldn't open my mouth at all. I can't do anything in front of him. I have to be alone to function as a human being.

UGH ::

My dear, if you feel so much stress when you are with him and you feel as though you are useless and should not speak when you are near him, then I must ask you reconsider your choice in a lover. If he has Asperger's Syndrome well...in all honesty, I doubt there is much you can do for him, and if he has no ability of his own to truly understand you for who you are and treat you with the kindness you deserve, then it would be prudent to find a lover more suited to your tastes. No offense to him or your choice, but it is the most logical choice.

 

[lurknomore]

Have you considered therapy? For yourself, or for both of you as a couple, it might help him to understand what you're going through and learn how to be more supportive, and you could probably learn better ways of communicating with him as well.

 

[johnny 85]

My dear, if you feel so much stress when you are with him and you feel as though you are useless and should not speak when you are near him, then I must ask you reconsider your choice in a lover. If he has Asperger's Syndrome well...in all honesty, I doubt there is much you can do for him, and if he has no ability of his own to truly understand you for who you are and treat you with the kindness you deserve, then it would be prudent to find a lover more suited to your tastes. No offense to him or your choice, but it is the most logical choice.

i was gonna comment but silvox said exactly what i was thinkin !!! also you should nt be goin through so much stress. it ll get to you in the end and break what ever spirit you have left!! ive been down that road and its horrible. i hope everything works out for you !!

 

[DeadHead]

I don't want to give up and just leave him. I love him.
I have been to see a counsellor before. It wasn't a great experience. I'd come in once a week, sit down and she'd say " So what do you want to talk about in our session today" to which I responded "I don't know" every single damn time. Then I'd look down at the floor and play with my rings. So awkward.

What do you guys do to just calm yourself down when you feel too paralyzed with fear to do something simple? Or do you all just suffer??

 

[johnny 85]

What do you guys do to just calm yourself down when you feel too paralyzed with fear to do something simple? Or do you all just suffer??

run home to my own house or my sisters house, lol

 

[gio289]

I don't want to give up and just leave him. I love him.
I have been to see a counsellor before. It wasn't a great experience. I'd come in once a week, sit down and she'd say " So what do you want to talk about in our session today" to which I responded "I don't know" every single damn time. Then I'd look down at the floor and play with my rings. So awkward.

What do you guys do to just calm yourself down when you feel too paralyzed with fear to do something simple? Or do you all just suffer??

I know this may sound mean, but you have to try and fight through your fear. Any little accomplishment is one worth noting, but you wont get anywhere if you dont try with all your might. Me being a guy who is dating someone with SA and depression, and suffering from it myself, it does get a little frustrating when dealing with certain things like that. Although its understandable and I can empathize, that wont change the fact that you will sooner or later have to atleast try and break through these things, especially with someone you love. I know its hard, but just try with every force in your body. I know you can do it.

 

[DeadHead]

I know you guys are right. I just gotta try my damn hardest. It feels so impossible because I just freeze. But i'll give it my best next time..

 

[scrumblebee]

Hurtful comments aside, your boyfriend should understand that learning a musical instrument requires understanding of fundamentals before you're able to expand and develop a certain level of creativity. You wouldn't tell someone to sit down at a drum kit and make up a beat without first practicing, learning, and eventually mastering basic fundamentals like rhythm and common techniques.

Even someone with Asperger's should be able to comprehend the logic behind the development of basic skill before attempting to do anything other than make noise. I'd encourage a young kid who wanted to TRY an instrument to have a blast on it for a few minutes, but that's only to get them interested, at which point you'd get them to actually start learning the basics. You're already interested and you want to learn, so he should be teaching you scales and BASIC songs to practice!!

 

[Hellhound]

He shouldn't insult you, and you shouldn't be sorry if you couldn't do it. HE should be sorry for expecting you to play anything without any practice first and then treating you badly because you didn't do what he wanted. The only thing he will cause you if he keeps acting like that is even more anxiety, which will cause you to feel bad at the moment of playing and the story will repeat over and over again. No one can learn anything if the person who's teaching you is treating you bad, calling you names, etc.

And no, it's not stupid of you to be terrified. It's not your fault, you didn't ask for this. I know it's not easy... but maybe you really need to talk with him about this, tell him the same you told us here. If he has problems, if he had to deal with anxiety too, then he should understand you, I suppose.

 

[Krista]

Hi dear

I do agree with the boys on your boyfriend choice although I understand it's hard to let someone go because you love them. He has Asperger's Syndrome? That must make it tough for you, I've worked with kids and teens who did, not that this is an excuse for his behavior but sometimes being as a lot of them are highly intelligent and suffer from their own forms of shyness and anxiety they'll lash out at other people who can't keep up with them or don't understand something. But this also means that things are going to be harder for you too.

Although it's your job to tell him how you're feeling, it's his job to understand that rude comments hurt period, especially when that person has SA. He should know that you can't just stop "being like this all the time" and although it's irrational to them it's very sane to us, our feelings. He'll need to have patience and understanding so he's not making you feel worse but helping you to feel better. I would suggest that maybe this isn't the healthiest relationship to be in but only you know what's best for you When it begins to feel like too much you must stop making excuses for each other and do what's going to make you feel better.

My boyfriend makes me feel incompetent sometimes but this isn't his fault this is actually mine. In my head, I know he could care less if I make a mistake because everyone does but my dominant thoughts that only serve to tear me down tell me this is huge. I hate feeling dumb in front of him. He understands that I have SA so he's always making sure to go the extra mile for me even if it's the smallest thing. The only time he gets exasperated with me is when I won't take his compliments :: I hope that eventually I'll feel I can hear him tell me I'm beautiful without feeling as if he's lying to me for my benefit. Just takes hard work.

 

[scrumblebee]

The only time he gets exasperated with me is when I won't take his compliments :: I hope that eventually I'll feel I can hear him tell me I'm beautiful without feeling as if he's lying to me for my benefit. Just takes hard work.

Compliments are always a bizarre thing to "accept." Really, what's a good way of taking a compliment? Thank you?

 

[Krista]

Compliments are always a bizarre thing to "accept." Really, what's a good way of taking a compliment? Thank you?

I know, lol. I guess I couldn't answer that because I don't remember a time when I found them to be true. In my responses to him I just tell him not say things like that...which only furthers to upset. I wouldn't know what else to say.

I have this complexity where I feel like, if I accept this compliment that makes me conceited as well. I don't see myself as an attractive person in the least and for someone to tell me means they're lying because I know how I look, why would they think that.

I do that though, a girl's mother told me I had such a pretty face. I told her "Um, thank you? If that's how you feel?" :: What else could I say? "You're pretty as well"?

 

[scrumblebee]

To be fair though I've met several very pretty girls who think of themselves the same way. Women are especially hard on themselves when it comes to appearance (and I'm sure there are many guys in here who have observed the same bizarre phenomena).

As for the OP and her boyfriend, I'd put it back on him to teach you the scales before you do any improvising. There's a reason why jazz is one of the hardest things to play on nearly every instrument even though a lot of it is "made up" the way your boyfriend wanted you to play.

 

[DeadHead]

My boyfriend isn't a bad guy. I'm his first real girlfriend and the first person he's ever loved. We haven't been dating long. Only about 2 months He's my ex boyfriends friend who I fell totally in love with. So anyway, he's not yet fully aware of the extent of my weirdness I guess He doesn't understand why I am so afraid because he is my boyfriend, not a crowd of people. I shouldn't be afraid of him.

I tried really hard to explain to him that I want to learn first. Have at least SOME kind of idea of what I am doing, then I can make stuff up. But I guess that's how he's learned so he feels that's the way it should be done. Dating someone with Asperger's isn't easy, but I knew what I was getting myself into. But 99% of the time he's really sweet and loving, This is our first real issue.