Who am I?

Afterglow

Afterglow

Member
At the age of 38, I am not sure of who I am. Does anybody out there feels like this? This is not a middle-aged identity crisis, this a long life of not knowing myself; I feel like I do not have a personality, therefore I am always trying to come up with one; 'borrowing personalities" This is so unnatural, but I just don't know how to be me. To be honest, I am not sure I want to be me.
 
Hellhound

Hellhound

Super Moderator
Oh, same here. I feel like a ghost, or a nothing, or I get very confused at times. It's hard to explain...
 
iamthenra

iamthenra

Well-known member
Same here...

Hello me...meet the real me.
And my misfits way of life.
A dark black past is my
Most valued possession.
Hindsight is always 20-20,
But looking back its still a bit fuzzy.
Speak of mutually assured destruction?
Nice story...tell it to readers digest!!!

/chorus/
Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxietys attacking me, and
My air is getting thin.
Im in trouble for the things
I havent got to yet.
Im chomping at the bit, and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.

Hello me...its me again.
You can subdue, but never tame me.
It gives me a migraine headache
Thinking down to your level.
Yea, just keep on thinking its my fault
And stay an inch or two outta kicking distance.
Mankind has got to know
His limitations.

/chorus/
Feeling claustrophobic,
Like the walls are closing in.
Blood stains on my hands and
I dont know where Ive been.
Im in trouble for the things
I havent got to yet.
Im sharpening the axe and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.

Well, me...its nice talking to myself,
A credit to dementia.
Some day you too will know my pain,
And smile its blacktooth grin.
If the war inside my head
Wont take a day off Ill be dead.
My icy fingers claw your back,
Here I come again.

/chorus/

Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxietys attacking me
And my air is getting thin
Feeling claustrophobic,
Like the walls are closing in.
Blood stains on my hands and
I dont know where Ive been
Once you committed me
Now youve acquitted me
Claiming validity
For your stupidity
Im chomping at the bit
Im sharpening the axe
Here I come again, whoa!
Sweating bullets
Click to expand...
 
F

FOR REAL

Banned
im 32 and i have no idea who i am, so most of the time i just pretend! which i do enjoy, until im brought back to earth like a bomb, and then its breakdown time again.
i always have this feeling of that life was meant for other people, not me!

but i try to use that to my advantage most of the time like, im not supposed to be here but i am here, so i tend to go a bit crazy now and then, and that takes the depression away in the short term
 
Lorraine Manca

Lorraine Manca

Well-known member
not that anyone ever wanted to know this, but, personality is an impostor. the starting post mentions no personality, but thats not "you" either, i dont think! the word comes from the latin word persona which referred to the masks that actors wore. so there you go, personality's just another mask. when no ones around to see the mask, it doesnt exist, no matter how charming or clever it is.

just saying, i wouldnt worry about not having much personality, because when your alone it doesnt matter anyway.
 
lurknomore

lurknomore

1
So in other words, Lorraine, you have no personality if no one is there to see it... like a tree falling in a forest with no one to hear it ::p:
 
Lorraine Manca

Lorraine Manca

Well-known member
lurknomore said:
So in other words, Lorraine, you have no personality if no one is there to see it... like a tree falling in a forest with no one to hear it ::p:
Click to expand...

funny but not quite! i figure your personality is actually the interaction between you and another person(or book, their the words of people too, even if most of them are dead) minor difference really! so if there aint no other person, personality falls away. and theres something much more rough, raw, and crude that i think us lonely folks have to confront more often than most. so we have a weak sense of identity, but at least its the truth.

and then think, so Gods real convienent right? cause he's always there. why would the eyes of god always have to be on us? it gives a person a stable identity to always be in the presence of a father and thereby always be a good "child of God". cause if you arent a child, a buddhist, a mother a father, then what are you? something shapeless at the center of it all. interesting stuff to think about!

sorry for rambling
 
lurknomore

lurknomore

1
Lorraine Manca said:
funny but not quite! i figure your personality is actually the interaction between you and another person(or book, their the words of people too, even if most of them are dead) minor difference really! so if there aint no other person, personality falls away. and theres something much more rough, raw, and crude that i think us lonely folks have to confront more often than most. so we have a weak sense of identity, but at least its the truth.

and then think, so Gods real convienent right? cause he's always there. why would the eyes of god always have to be on us? it gives a person a stable identity to always be in the presence of a father and thereby always be a good "child of God". cause if you arent a child, a buddhist, a mother a father, then what are you? something shapeless at the center of it all. interesting stuff to think about!

sorry for rambling
Click to expand...

I knew that wasn't quite what you meant, but that's what I immediately thought of, and couldn't resist saying it.

I guess it's interesting to ponder whether your "personality" or how you relate to different people is the "real" you... because it's kind of unsettling to think that perhaps a person is only defined by who they are to someone else... and it could be confusing as most people play different roles to different people. For instance, I myself am a daughter, mother, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, friend, coworker.... the list could go on and on. Who is seeing the real me? Perhaps none of them is seeing the full person... and maybe I don't even know who that person is yet or what I want her to be...
 
slicknsly

slicknsly

Well-known member
you are whatever you want. you are also somthing different to each individual you will ever know. Do you want a label to forever be known as? Im only 19 but i can relate to what you are feeling. Especially beeing that when i took LSD that was the only question running through my head over and over. I was with my friends and kept asking them who am I? WHO AM I?! over and over till eventually pretty much crying saying it. It was nuts. You can rack your brain forever trying figure out who you are and what labels apply to you, but whatever you or others think it can change in an instant. Many times i feel others fall into a sense of self from others opinions of that person. and when you are seen that way you take that road in life in stride. Some say I'm a jerk,smart,sweet,crazy,arrogant as well as other things. I dont know what I am but alive. just being. my signature relates too
 
C

chained

1
Afterglow said:
At the age of 38, I am not sure of who I am. Does anybody out there feels like this? This is not a middle-aged identity crisis, this a long life of not knowing myself; I feel like I do not have a personality, therefore I am always trying to come up with one; 'borrowing personalities" This is so unnatural, but I just don't know how to be me. To be honest, I am not sure I want to be me.
Click to expand...

exactly the same, always tend to try to be like other people, I even do stuff like them, as u said borrowed personalities.. this is probably cuz we are afraid to find out who we are, cuz we think we won't be interesting... and it's easier to say I don't know who I am, than to say I am boring.. but we probably aren't boring.. don't get me wrong.. :)
 
G

guessed

1
I can relate to this too. Usually I feel like I'm watching a movie of my own life and only acting out the part. I try to join in and even if I have the same thoughts and feelings as others, I can't make it come across so that I can actually connect with people in a real, lasting way.

I've initiated conversations with a few people, and usually after a short time it fizzles out or they start to avoid me.

I watch others bonding and making friends in real life as well as here on SPW, and I wonder why I can't do the same.
 
Afterglow

Afterglow

Member
I have always associated my lack of self identity, inferiority complex, social anxiety and even my depression to my early years, when my personality was being formed and influenced by the environment which surrounded me.

Logically, I understand that the best thing to do is not to dwell in the past. But emotionally, I find it very hard to detached myself from some of the early experiences in life. Bottom line is, ever since I can remember, the feeling of " not belonging" has been with me. But I am determined to change this in a positive way, I just dont know how yet!

I really appreciate everybody's comments...it has been VERY helpful to me.:)
 
Afterglow

Afterglow

Member
guessed said:
I can relate to this too. Usually I feel like I'm watching a movie of my own life and only acting out the part. I try to join in and even if I have the same thoughts and feelings as others, I can't make it come across so that I can actually connect with people in a real, lasting way.

I've initiated conversations with a few people, and usually after a short time it fizzles out or they start to avoid me.

I watch others bonding and making friends in real life as well as here on SPW, and I wonder why I can't do the same.
Click to expand...

By sharing your experience with me, we are helping each other and bonding too.:) YOU ARE NOT ALONE MY FRIEND!
 
Tempus35

Tempus35

1
I am 23 and feel that way alot. I feel like I am a fragment of what I might have been before SA, that is what I was as a kid. I am so afraid to do anything that involves risk that it holds me back too. I wish I knew who I was, what I wanted.

"I've initiated conversations with a few people, and usually after a short time it fizzles out or they start to avoid me." --guessed

I have this issue too. It is frustrating.
 
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