Who am I?

[Afterglow]

When I was a young boy, I was constantly bullied by other kids, and even adults, because I was labeled as "different", although at that time I did not know what was so different about me.

These were the words, more or less as I remember them from the past, which made me feel different from other people over the years:

"Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Talk like a man!"
"Stop crying!"
"You walk like a girl!"
"You are a faggot!"
"I would date you only you were not so ugly!"
"You look like Frankenstein."
"You are stupid!"
"You just don't have a personality like everybody else."

I am older now, and nobody calls me names anymore. But these words are embedded in my mind, the feelings evoked by these words still echoes inside, haunting me. That is why, I believe, I question my being, my personality, and my sense of identity. Over the years, with so much negativism and hurt, I was bound to look for another me, a different me, one that would please others and silence the criticism. In the process...I may have become what others may wanted me to become, and not who I should be. I am not sure anymore and I struggle with this...

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

I forget who I am sometimes. I lose sense of self... and I try to think of what all my traits and interests add up to, but I can't see to place it. And I forget...
But I know I'm not like everyone else.

 

[718]

I can relate to this too and I think I read somewhere that AvPD can't be diagnosed unless depersonalisation has occurred.

For me, I've felt so self-conscious while talking to people that I can't behave naturally and been so concerned with what people might think of my real personality that I've simply tried to do/say what I think would please others instead of expressing myself honestly.

This has gone on for so long that it seems to have deadened my personality even while I'm alone and I no longer know what to do with myself.

I can't imagine what it must feel like simply to go through life without this stifling inhibition -_-

this is exactly the same thing i've experienced. any ideas on how to work on uncovering your 'true' personality? i find that when i'm drunk i express myself more honestly than when sober, but that's obviously not a long term treatment option

 

[Dronee]

Sometimes I think I know very well who I am. Sometimes I don't. But I relate to what you're saying.

Maybe it's cause the person we want to be, we need to be, we must be, we know to be... is not the person we currently are. There's obstacles that we cannot overcome at the present. So we cruise along until we can be the person we know we're meant to be. Hope that makes some sense

 

[Nack]

"borrowing personality" sounds familiar...

 

[Dronee]

When I was a young boy, I was constantly bullied by other kids, and even adults, because I was labeled as "different", although at that time I did not know what was so different about me.

These were the words, more or less as I remember them from the past, which made me feel different from other people over the years:

"Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Talk like a man!"
"Stop crying!"
"You walk like a girl!"
"You are a faggot!"
"I would date you only you were not so ugly!"
"You look like Frankenstein."
"You are stupid!"
"You just don't have a personality like everybody else."

I am older now, and nobody calls me names anymore. But these words are embedded in my mind, the feelings evoked by these words still echoes inside, haunting me. That is why, I believe, I question my being, my personality, and my sense of identity. Over the years, with so much negativism and hurt, I was bound to look for another me, a different me, one that would please others and silence the criticism. In the process...I may have become what others may wanted me to become, and not who I should be. I am not sure anymore and I struggle with this...

Don't let the jerks get to you man... They're the ones calling names and behaving as idiots. You're the better man.