Which of these is most important to overcome SA in your opinion?

[Jim_Bergerac]

(1) To no longer fear the negative judgements you are afraid of and hurt by.
(2) To believe that you are not being judged any where near as much as what you believe you are?
(3) To build confidence in yourself, especially in the parts of yourself that you are insecure about and believe you will be judged negatively for?
(4) To understand the negative judgements you received in the past is not the reality, it was the exception - i.e. anyone can put anyone down, it doesn't mean everyone thinks that way of someone. It takes a nasty, insensitive, cruel person to be cruel and hurtful to someone.
(5) To understand that your perceived flaws/imperfections mean so very little, everyone has flaws and imperfections and yet we hardly notice other peoples.
(6) Something else - if so please say.

What do you think?

 

[Day_Tripper]

All of them are pretty important, and the level of importance for each varies from person to person. But I think there's one missing. For (6), I'd put exposure. You can look in the mirror and tell yourself all those things over and over, but it won't diminish your anxiety much if you don't go out and try to desensitize yourself to rejection, and build your people skills. People get over SA by making themselves talk to like 20 people a day, for weeks.

Of course I don't have the guts to do any of that, but that's just what I hear is the quickest way to get over SA.

 

[Krista]

I like this thread

I would think that for me to overcome SA, I'd have to focus on 3 and 4. Basically that I should be more secure with myself and who I am, after I have more love and faith in myself as a person I don't think that people's opinions will matter to me. Of course there will be other things that need work too but I feel like my low view of myself allows me to be an easy target for other people. They say something negative and it just reinforces what I already feel about myself.

 

[206Raider]

3, 4 and 5 I need to work on a little. I feel I'm finally on the right track atleast.

 

[illuminationSP]

I believe that all of them are equally important.

 

[Alejandro]

I believe that all are important.

I am trying to teach myself the following:

1) When in a crowd I'm no the centre of attention.
2) If some looks in my direction, s/he, a stranger, doesn't care how I am or seem to be.
3) People, who aren't familiar to you (i.e. people that you feel comfortable with) will not attack you if you decide to speak to them. Obviously, if they look like homicidal maniac, that's a different story.
4) Due to the nature of SA, your sense of imperfections are hieghtened. Most people couldn't care less if you got a pen mark on your face. If they thought something, so what.
5) Everyone has some degree of SA in them.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

All of them are pretty important, and the level of importance for each varies from person to person. But I think there's one missing. For (6), I'd put exposure. You can look in the mirror and tell yourself all those things over and over, but it won't diminish your anxiety much if you don't go out and try to desensitize yourself to rejection, and build your people skills. People get over SA by making themselves talk to like 20 people a day, for weeks.

Of course I don't have the guts to do any of that, but that's just what I hear is the quickest way to get over SA.

Exposure is an interesting point. I do agree that for some things and for some people its vital. Practice makes perfect. I think a good example is people who fear speaking on the phone. Exposure really does boost confidence on the phone, the more you do it the more you ok with it you become and boost confidence and realise its fine.
However, the reason I didn't include exposure in the list was because it seems irrelevant for me. My anxiety is triggered by the fear of being judged as ugly. I am 30 years old and every day exposure does nothing to ease my anxieties. Every time I am looked at I am self conscious and anxious.

I think exposure is best when you feel at a point to challenge and test yourself. If you feel unable to cope because you are too afraid of a situation or too self conscious, etc - exposure can do more harm than good because if you fail and feel humiliated then it can really make you fear the situation and make you believe you really cannot do it. An example for me is that I had to do a presentation when I was about 16 years of age. I was so nervous because I was always been called names and ridiculed about how I looked and talked by the kids I was doing the presentation in front of. I was so anxious that my voice was so shakey and went high pitched and I was shaking so much and it was just awful, so humiliating. I had to stop many times and it was just so traumatic. That experience made me believe I cannot do public speaking.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

I believe that all are important.

I am trying to teach myself the following:

1) When in a crowd I'm no the centre of attention.
2) If some looks in my direction, s/he, a stranger, doesn't care how I am or seem to be.
3) People, who aren't familiar to you (i.e. people that you feel comfortable with) will not attack you if you decide to speak to them. Obviously, if they look like homicidal maniac, that's a different story.
4) Due to the nature of SA, your sense of imperfections are hieghtened. Most people couldn't care less if you got a pen mark on your face. If they thought something, so what.
5) Everyone has some degree of SA in them.

Your points I can relate to very much. Its weird reading it because it is so true but I don't seem to think that way when in those situations. I was walking down a street last weekend and there was loads of stationary traffic and I felt so self conscious and anxious as I walked past all these cars thinking so many people can see me and will be looking at me and I was fearing what they were thinking - I fear being judged as ugly. But when I see what you have written -when I see strangers walking down the street when I am traffic lights I never notice them, I am not interested in them, yet for some reason I felt like everyone was doing a critical analysis of me from their cars and will all be commenting on me, pointing out my flaws and thinking 'Urgh, he's ugly'.

Its just weird how you can see something is true when at ease and not in the situation, but when in the situation you believe something very different.
Is changing those beliefs that is what I need to do, but I am not sure how to go about it.

 

[Bemzy]

(1) To no longer fear the negative judgments you are afraid of and hurt by.

I think this is the most important. You should really not care.

 

[philly2bits]

I'd have to say for me it's 3 and 5. I don't think the others effect me too much, at least not to the degree I could not brush the negative thoughts away.

I'd like to add a 6 though. I'd like to overcome my inability to "click" with people. I wouldn't say I don't have the ability, as I have done it before. But for me it seems to come harder then I would like. I know I won't be able to click with everyone. Some people just won't get along, it's a fact of life. But without the ability to click with people, I'll be just as lonely going out and partying as I am sitting at home. I'll still be isolated from people, but it may feel even worse, since I am isolated yet surrounded by them at the same time.

 

[lurknomore]

I'd like to add a 6 though. I'd like to overcome my inability to "click" with people. I wouldn't say I don't have the ability, as I have done it before. But for me it seems to come harder then I would like. I know I won't be able to click with everyone. Some people just won't get along, it's a fact of life. But without the ability to click with people, I'll be just as lonely going out and partying as I am sitting at home. I'll still be isolated from people, but it may feel even worse, since I am isolated yet surrounded by them at the same time.

I totally agree that not "clicking" with people is a problem I have... although it could possibly stem from a lack of self-confidence and fearing negative judgments. I think if I could get past those, I might find that I have a lot more in common with most people than I originally thought.

 

[userremoved]

(4) To understand the negative judgements you received in the past is not the reality, it was the exception - i.e. anyone can put anyone down, it doesn't mean everyone thinks that way of someone. It takes a nasty, insensitive, cruel person to be cruel and hurtful to someone.

If this is true, then that's what I want to believe. I know for a fact that the source of my fears is the way I was treated when I was younger. Some of you guys here may be more accepting but I find it hard to believe that prejudice isn't the social norm for human beings.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

For myself, I'd have to pick number six. That's only because none of the things listed affect me all that much. The only way I'll ever be able to "overcome" SA is if I had never been born with it to begin with. I don't have the typical, "afraid of judgment, people looking at me, embarrassment" SA, so none of that applied to me. My problem is being afraid to be around people & talk to them & not knowing how to communicate with them what to say or to do.

 

[Pink_Paula]

(1) To no longer fear the negative judgements you are afraid of and hurt by.
(2) To believe that you are not being judged any where near as much as what you believe you are?
(3) To build confidence in yourself, especially in the parts of yourself that you are insecure about and believe you will be judged negatively for?
(4) To understand the negative judgements you received in the past is not the reality, it was the exception - i.e. anyone can put anyone down, it doesn't mean everyone thinks that way of someone. It takes a nasty, insensitive, cruel person to be cruel and hurtful to someone.
(5) To understand that your perceived flaws/imperfections mean so very little, everyone has flaws and imperfections and yet we hardly notice other peoples.
(6) Something else - if so please say.

What do you think?

Erm..sadly i think i need to work on every one of these! one of my main problems is worrying about how others see me, if someone looks at me on the street i'm convinced it's because i'm too ugly and fat to be out so they're looking at me like "eww how dare she leave her house" I totally need to work on my self confidence, i know that. But it's hard.

 

[Day_Tripper]

it's because i'm too ugly and fat to be out so they're looking at me like "eww how dare she leave her house"

I can't prove that someone isn't ugly, but if that's you in your albums, I don't know how you can think you're fat!

 

[Pink_Paula]

I can't prove that someone isn't ugly, but if that's you in your albums, I don't know how you can think you're fat!

Thankies yes that is me in the pics

I was bullied about my weight for years i went to drastic measures to lose weight but all the cruel comments and stuff have stuck in my head so it's hard to shake off the negativity, i do have days where i think i look ok but they don't last for long lol

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Thankies yes that is me in the pics

I was bullied about my weight for years i went to drastic measures to lose weight but all the cruel comments and stuff have stuck in my head so it's hard to shake off the negativity, i do have days where i think i look ok but they don't last for long lol

Seeing you gives me a lot of hope about myself. I too always received put downs and negative comments about how I looked, I was called ugly a number of times and had comments ridiculing and putting me down about imperfections/flaws in my appearance and it really did make me believe there is something very wrong with how I look and my imperfections and flaws are a big deal and I am inadequate for them.

When I look at your pics I can honestly say that your opinion of yourself is so influenced by the past negative judgements that you cannot see the reality. When others look at you they are not biased and influenced by people telling them that you are fat or ugly. You look pretty and you have a fantastic figure.
Do you ever look at yourself and think that what you see is different from how you believe you are - i.e. does your opinion on yourself not quite match up with the image you believed you must be from all the past negative judgements?
I now make the most of myself totally, I couldn't look much better now as I am a weight I am very happy with, I have cool stylish hair that I get cut every 4 weeks, I have nice eyes and good teeth. I dress really smart and cool, I am very clean and wear nice aftershave, etc. When I look in the mirror at myself when I look my best I think I look cool and fine and have no negative thoughts about how I look. But as soon as I am around people I feel like people see me as the ugliest person on earth because of the past negative judgements.

I think you and I really have to stop dwelling on past negative judgements and really work on developing positive thoughts on how we look, gaining confidence in our appearance. Instead of dwelling on all the past negative judgements think of all the positive comments and experiences, they are more real and fair than the negative comments.
Being self conscious of how you look and having no confidence in how you look and believing you are inferior and inadequate makes you so anxious being looked at and drains confidence around people. Negative thinking is just keeping this problem going, it has to stop. If you ever think negatively about how you look or find yourself fearing what people think of you, think of some positive comments/experiences you've received - even if it is people on here saying you look nice, it is true.

 

[Lea]

Number 6 - sense of humour. It helps if you're not taking things and yourself too seriously. I can't understand people are so serious sometimes.

 

[chained]

3.......................

 

[persona]

Deleted...