When I'm down.. (Not for the squeamish)

This feels like my life atm...

"Sometimes I don't know where
This dirty road is taking me
Sometimes I don't know the reason why
So I guess I'll keep gambling
Lots of booze and lots of rambling
Well, it's easier than just waiting around to die"

I wish I could live in a place like this...
Hiking in the woods, fishing on the coast... a small town where (Ideally) I could get to know a few locals..
Live on the outskirts in some house amongst the trees... I hear this and I'm at peace.. I doubt anywhere like this exists in real life..

Fukk... I'm hurting so bad today..

I want you to know
I tried so fking hard.. not just briefly, but over many, many years.
I'm just... done.
I need a reason to live.
Please show it to me.
I need someone to live for.
I don't care what you have or don't have..