Despite the big depression you feel, it does seem like you've made a small amount of headway towards becoming the person you want to be, right? You have the will to achieve what you want, but it seems to me that you don't know where to start. Break up the end result into smaller chunks and do it bit by bit, starting with the easier stuff, and see how that works for you.
I greatly understand the restrictions depression puts on people, but it takes just that one spark of knowing that you can't continue living life the way you have been and you'll be on your way to achieving those goals you once found impossible.
Yeah, that's definitely what it takes. And that's the reality too. I don't understand where people get their motivation sometimes. I just wish I had it in me. For some reason, I felt so much more capable of doing things when living with someone, but of course living with my parents was taking a toll on them. I really wasn't kicked out, I just felt pressured to leave. I didn't really want to leave. I just wanted to stay until I made enough progress that I'd be able to leave without any regrets and knowing I'd be okay on my own. But I'm not, right now, and in the past year and some months. It's really bad, I've got to do something.
But I do remember the mindset I had from when I did actually start doing something about graduating, despite it just graduating. If you think about it, it's nearly impossible for people to go back. Luckily, I only needed to do the "essential" levels of grade 11 and grade 12 courses and I only got passing marks just enough to get my GED. If I need to go back and upgrade for a specific course if a certain grade is not good enough, I will.
But my mindset in 2011 was simply, "I've wasted 3 years and haven't achieved anything so I must do something now, and then I will be able to focus on other things that I want to do". But after I grad'd, it was like my brain needed a huge break and couldn't take so much grinding, I don't know of a different way of explaining it.
But any ways, normally I was a guy who couldn't really push himself, and I just felt like I needed to put in that much more effort to grad. When I did grad, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't celebrate. And while 3 years before that, all my peers had their partying and celebrations with family and friends. It was nothing for me.
And everything else in high school that most outgoing people experience, and college life, I missed out on. I know I am not alone here in this forum though. Since I can't go back in time and be outgoing and relive the experience, I am better off just staying alive for now and trying to do something with my life.