what a start to the day

[Hottie]

Ohhhh s**t!!

I just said yes to attend something that will create HUGE anxiety for me. I will have to sit in a class with other volunteers *ahhhhh* i havnt sat in a class in a year. I suppose it will be good for me if im thinking of going back to college though

*silently screaming inside*.

The topic couldnt hit any closer to home for me. I believe it will be very benificial for me, with where i am volunteering at the moment, but it is starting to panic me already.It is positive step for me. I didnt have to go to the awareness programme, but i am...

All i know is i want a back seat!! Oh s**t, what if its in a circle?!! Im not going to think of that now....

But i had good plans/intentions today to go down to the shopping centre to get links off my bracelet and watch. Im in no mood to go down now but i have to go to sign on in the Social Welfare(i have to do this once a month so i can get my job seekers allowence). Also i am ment to go for a a swim with my best friend later this evening and i really just want to curl up into a ball and hide under my covers

I woke up this morning to my house phine ringing and ringing and ringing. When i eventully got up to answer it, it was my sisters guidence counsellor looking for my dad. On the phone she said "i cannot get thru to your dad and i need to speak to him urgently". Now my sister has got some problems of her own and she is vunurable.

Every single thought went thru my head. I didnt know what had happened so i rang back the school to ease my mind from worries. The guidence counsellor had told me that "she is fine".

So then my dad rang me and told e what happened. Apparently my sister had expressed suicidel thoughts last night to her friend on the phone. She said she had a rope and was going to hang herself. I dont know how her guidence counselloer found out but they have a a good way of finding out info!

Not her too. Im just glad that her thoughts were found out so now we can help her. But she is the type of person that has stigma for counseling/therapy, so it will be really difficult to get her to go.

How much of a considence is it that i just said yes to going to a suicide awareness programme, and my sister expressing these thoughts. This topic goes through my mind everyday. I dont want my sis to be the same as it is scary and lonely.

My lil sister is my heart. If anything happened to her i dont know what i would do. I have always been there for her, acting like a mother to her (as hers was not a mother). I love her to bits and i cant wait till she gets home so i can give her a BIG HUG and tell her i love her. I am starting to tear up at the moment because i just love her so much.

Now i dont want to go out, but i have to... Maybe it will do me good to get out of the house and away from constant worry.

 

[Feathers]

Ohhh!! ((honey))!!

Sorry to hear about your sis!! Hope things get better...

YAY for being VERY brave!!

I was terrified before going to some course/seminar/workshop type of thingies too, but it was actually really great and people there were really nice!! Most of it is probably gonna be guided so there is not so much focus on the individual, unless you like someone and see a connection and can talk more.. or just get to know some nice people and chat about 'basic' things like where you come from etc. People going to a course like this probably have had some sort of experience with these things too.. and are probably gonna be really nice...

It sounds stressful to have to be going through so many things at once (I know I can sometimes get overwhelmed by sheer amount of 'new things'/info/'things to do'/phones ringing etc) but I think it's really great that you're going to this program!! Just imagine how RELAXED you will be afterwards!
And you will probably be able to tell us here quite some things too...

A lot of people are biased against the stigma and even just as a volunteer you can do a lot!

((BIG HUG))

 

[Hottie]

Hey Feathers,

Had an awful day yesterday. So much went down (even excluding what i wrote here) and my anger hit the roof and there was no controling me!

But much better today. I was volunteering in the help line today and it went really well. I have only started the helpline since Christmas and im slowly but surely becoming more comfortable answering the phones.
The people in the room dont bother me as much as they used to. I used to feel judged on what i was saying to the clients but im begining to find my own ways of speaking to people.

About my sister. The school are making her go to counselling. If she doenst go they will have to take the next step, and that is to call a social worker to view the home situation.
Dont really want that. From my 3 years of studdies i have learnt the process of which guidence counsellors (all people with children in there care) have to follow and i completely understand her reasoning behind doing it.

I am going down to my doc soon to talk about seeing a psychairtrist, we are going to make my sis come down too so she can see her options - hopefully she will.

I might take a xanax for going to the suicide awareness programme, as i take them everytime im going to the helpline. But my plan is to, not take it until i need to. So im not going to take it immediately.
Ill just have to wait until i see how the room layout is...

Thanks for the reply !!

 

[Feathers]

Hey hun, yeah, sucky days can happen... ((hugs)) Sorry to hear about it...

Now BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT, RELAX... Maybe take a good book to relax? (Always helps me.) Or a shower/bath etc.
It's good you are educated about these things.. on the other hand, it can probably also be more stressful because of that, so it's important to take some moments for yourself to RELAX too!!

Good to hear the volunteering went well!! I think it's normal to be a bit uncertain at first and that others accept that you're a newbie first and will learn in time more about how to do this.. If you read the Befrienders' website, there are some really good testimonials there, and some good tips online too.. They say that more important than what you say is to genuinely listen and be there for the other person...!! Everybody has their own style and ways of answering and talking...
One article said that some people can help some people, others can help others... So it's good to just know each other and maybe find out who can maybe 'take over' in specific cases if needed etc.

You are very brave to be doing all these things & I deeply admire you!!

As for layout of the room - does it specifically matter what it's like? Maybe some old experiences may bring bad memories, it really depends A LOT on the workshop leader and participants how it all goes too though!! Maybe you can google the workshop leader if you know who it will be, or check if there are even any photos of the place online? I was very scared before the workshops as I said, but it went well with different leaders, topics and table/chair layouts...!! (If you're uncomfortable in a circle, maybe like a bag or a notebook/folder and pen & paper on your knees can help to get some 'distance/protection' between you and others (I write down everything lol, helps with add-ishness too )

So, hope all goes well!! Take care and let us know how it goes!!

 

[DespairSoul]

Hottie,

I'm sorry to hear it about your sis. This is very sad. U didn't even know about her issues. Well sometimes
what is in front of us we don't see it coz of own issues. But some people can hide emotions very well yep sadly I Hope she will doing fine soon.

That's great news about you. This take a lot of braveness what u are doing right now wow. I wonder if i could do it? Well u are so brave. Like superhero to me now haha. I hope u will doing good at volunteering and will be helpful to u.Do u work at helpline?Do i understand it well? Amazing. Though can be very stressful taking phones and talk to clients i really admire u for it. I wouldn't be able do it(i know i shouldn't use it negative sentence like that but i'm pretty sure though). With SA really hard. Seems u are strong Hottie and this can be helpful in your progress. Good luck in all of it

 

[Hottie]

@ Feathers - because i have erethrophobia (blushing) to sit in a room with lots of people is highly stressful for me. If somebody sitting beside me says something, it can trigger a blushing attack. This is because attention is diverted my direction. If im looking the person who is holding the programme, in the eye, and he/she looks back at me, it sends a sudden shock through my body which can also cause a blushing attack. Another example, if a word is said such as suicide, anxiety, etc. it can also potentelly make me blush. This is because these words trigger a thought and then the reaction happens.

Its really the blushing that gets me. If i just had symptoms inside my body it wouldnt be so bad. Because my anxieties can show from blushing it make everything twice a difficult for me.

I may take up your idea of a notebook. This will give me an opportunity to take small breaks/breathers through the day. Thanks for the tips !!

@ DespairSoul - my sister has been through a hell of a lot and still is, we all are (no hope im going into that as i would be here all night!!). She has developed this thing with food. I dont know if it is social anxiety or the begining of an eating disorder? She cant eat in front of people. She can eat fine at home but she cant eat in school for example. Hopefully though, with what was found out will push (ment in the nicest way possible!) her to get professional help.

Yes it is a helpline. I remember the first phone call i got, i was on the phone for ages to a lady was in severe distress. It was a really sad case actully (cant say more than that due to confidentely). I was kind of glad i recieved a difficult phone call to deal with first, as it showed me i can do it!

If i can do it...anyone can do it!!! Produces a lot of anxiety, but im very driven towards making something of myself. I am proud of what i have achieved already, i just hope i can keep achieveing what i want and not let the anxiety beat me. I have my future direction made out in my head, so i will continue to keep trying to achieve what i want...

Thank you for you wishes and the good luck...i will be sure to keep yous' updated!!

Sending Peace, Love, Happiness, & Joy, Your Way...

 

[DespairSoul]

@Hottie

I didn't knew that eating disorder is called like that coz u can't eat in public. I can't eat to in public but this isn't mean i have eating disorder? I think is just part of anxiety by my case.
I know is hell i experience it by myself then i can really relate i enjoy my meal the most home no where else. Or if i'm totally alone or just with few very close members.
Poor sis i hope she will fight good just like u are doing it She is your younger sibling yes?

Is totally sweet relation with your sis as u describe how much u love her. I wish to hear it ones of my sis would be nice. I mean isn't mean i never heard that i did but maybe one time.
We aren't so close to each other coz my sis are older as im.


Amazing u are doing this helpline nope not everyone can do it honey i have totally blockade in my head if i have to talk in front of people like my memory is totally blank. And yet if they were staring at me gosh real nightmare in full room for christ sake nope scary. U are super girl believe me. Sad stories can help u aren't alone in those world of full of depressions, sadness, stress, anxieties. Is glorious feeling to help others and if work out is huge accomplishment. Cheer people what are alone if all people have forgot about them so good feelings u must have out there. I wish all good to u and your sis,whole family.

 

[Hottie]

Hey DespairSoul,

If i said it was an eating disorder, i didnt mean to, sorry. I was ment to say it could be a sign of social anxiety or the start of an Eating Disorder. She does eat, and she eats well (i make sure of that!!). Its just in public or around people she will refuse to eat anything. Even if she was really really hungry, she wont. Its like she physically isnt able to.

So you suffer not being able to eat in public too? Does it effect you much? Like if you were at a family gathering like a christining, wedding, funeral, etc. would you not eat bcoz of SA?

Yes she is my younger sister. Aww i cannot put in words how much she means to me - seriously. I have looked after her needs for a long time and i will do it forever and ever. We argue, as all family members do. But as soon as we reconigise we have said something hurtful, we will say sorry to each other. Sometimes when we fight bad, after we spend a few mins apart, one of us will go to another and apoligise and then we are back to so much love <3 !!

She is four years younger. I am 20. 21 in April. It kills me to think she was four years younger witnesing all the stuff that has happened. I protect her because she needs someone like me to stick up for her and to get her out of bad situations.

See i could write a book with the amount of love i have for her. She says to me, im more than a sister...im her friend...wich makes me smile

Are your sister much older than you? Im sure as you get older, the sisterly love will get stronger!! When family members are young, it is not until they grow older do they realise how much they mean to each other. Im lucky to have found that with my sister so early on.

I agree, it can be helpful to know that there are alot of people worse off. Everybody has struggles in life. Nobody can get through life without ever having issues to deal with. God, if we could, wouldnt that be great!! Like im sure you and everyone here on this site has had some tricky stuff to deal with in their lives.

Situations where there is difficulty within it are handled differently by everyone. It is about how we handle things.

"it is not events/situations that make us happy or sad...it is how we react to those event/situations that determines how we cope and how we feel" - that is a saying i like to keep in mind...but unfortunatly there is no hiding from our emotions sometimes...

 

[DespairSoul]

@Hottie

I'm lover of food. That's why struggle even more coz i'm not able eat in public while people watching me.
Well if i was working (was really short time together over all my works was 1 year together lol cuz of anxiety and issues) i try it really hard eat in full work place was around 200 hundred people and i couldn't never eat at piece there. I always don't finished meal or i couldn't go for tea which was on other site. I was terrified was nightmare. Then i start avoid it soon and going eat out alone on the bench in front of building or just go wc and wait till will be over with break. This is one of crayzy examples what i did to not eat in public. Well the same if i'm in the city i smell amazing food and i'm so hungry i just can't go buy nothingAnd restaurant i will go no waaay. If i'm really extremely hungry and feeling falling apart i will buy something but rare. I feel uncomfortable and alot even while eat in park if people walk around The best if i do it for me sandwich from home this is the best to feel comfort zone but necessary isn't so good as Mc donald or pizza,china which i love.
So if u asked about gathering,wedding etc. i was on one wedding and i was able eat but i was stressed very much out and not enjoyed. I fear yet of that people will find out is something wrong and if must go one wedding where was a lot of food i beat that fear only coz i don't want they knew what's wrong. Anytime i try find some escape and if isn't possible i will do it but with anxiety on the highest top and not enjoy it. Sorry was so long but u kept asking and i like to explain to u that u understand well.
And yes effect me much is very stressful i feel totally bad about it i'm not able eat even if hungeror mood for food only in extreme cause i will do it but my work was extreme cause i was working 10 hours and eating almost nothing

Protect your sister as much u can and i know u willIs wonderful of u. Not everyone is that way.
U are just 20 and so smart already I like your view on all of it what u say accept this wasting your self stop it but even this i understand lol. Is just easier and is escape of pain i know.

Well i'm old enough i think i'm already 26 and my sis much older as i'm. But u know why we doesn't have close relation so much? Because i don't lived with them i just was with mom sis was going live somewhere else i was seeing them rare this is the reason i'm sure they does like me in their own way.Everyone have his own way right?

I agree everyone have some issues but some issues seems to me less as others. And as u said everyone handle it in different way all of it.

Have nice day Hottie!

 

[Section_31]

aww hottie.

Im sending you a big digital hug right now. Your a really brave person, and i admire you. Even if things dont go the way theyre supposed to today, its only a setback. We all have them, but the good thing about setbacks is the comeback afterwards .

Keep us posted on how your day goes!

*hug*

 

[Feathers]

Hey Hottie - well the blushing can be totally cute!!

I totally don't know why everyone is so upset about it!
An ex-roommate had a crush on a guy at the dorm just because he had such pretty 'rosy cheeks'!!
Also, depending on the lighting in the room, not everyone may notice it!! (If you're in a shadow or against the contrast of a sun-lit window etc. Or if they're showing slides etc.)

Okay, I hate it a bit if my face goes all-red from things like sometimes perhaps alcohol or heat or too much physical exercise or hiking etc, but it's 'survivable', as I know other people can get it in similar situations too.. People who like you won't mind anyway, and the others don't matter that much.. I'm pretty sure everyone at the workshop would be pretty supportive too! (You could get red from the heat there anyway too, no? And the people will be too busy lecturing/writing things down anyway!) I think many/most wouldn't notice it at all..

Maybe you could try EFT on the trigger words or situations, or even conjure up more 'pleasant' associations for at least some of them? (I'm very visual/kinaesthetic so if someone says something I usually get an image/feeling of that, so maybe you can try to find some other images or feelings? Like relief after helping someone to get better. Or like it's written in a psychology book? Or such?)

@ Feathers - because i have erethrophobia (blushing) to sit in a room with lots of people is highly stressful for me. If somebody sitting beside me says something, it can trigger a blushing attack. This is because attention is diverted my direction. If im looking the person who is holding the programme, in the eye, and he/she looks back at me, it sends a sudden shock through my body which can also cause a blushing attack. Another example, if a word is said such as suicide, anxiety, etc. it can also potentelly make me blush. This is because these words trigger a thought and then the reaction happens.

Its really the blushing that gets me. If i just had symptoms inside my body it wouldnt be so bad. Because my anxieties can show from blushing it make everything twice a difficult for me.

I may take up your idea of a notebook. This will give me an opportunity to take small breaks/breathers through the day. Thanks for the tips !!

You can also have mini-breaks to go to the bathroom (you could even take notes of any overwhelm-emotions there That's what I did at times at some family gatherings haha, or just knowing you have a mini-notebook&pencil for that purpose can be helpful!) and usually there are breaks to eat or drink something etc. You could maybe even walk around the building/on the stairs etc.
Or just to look through the window etc, or you could have a 'happy memory' with you (like a toy/gizmo or special pencil to look at if it got rough etc)

Yeah, for me writing things down is really good to maintain them in my memory better, and to focus attention on the writing, or even doodle something if it's boring or to aid memory, etc. Do tell if you'll do it and how it works!

Sorry to hear about your sis, many girls these days do have a sort of eating disorder or pre-exiting condition (which sometimes may be dealt with) so fingers crossed it can be helped! A relative had eating disroder and got treatment and is now allright.
If it's 'just' anxiety, hopefully it will be dealt with too! Or maybe she could find a private little place where she could eat? (Maybe even a professor at her school would let her eat in her 'preparation room'?)

Like D.Soul said, not all sisters are that loving, so I'm amazed at the relationship with your sis too and deeply admire you!

Anyway, take care & hope things go well!!

 

[Hottie]

@ DespairSoul - Im sorry to hear that such a big lover of food has troubles when it comes to eating it (in public). why is it hard for you to but something when you want it (and you are physically in the shop)? If you wanted fast food you could buy it and bring it home with you? That way your anxiety, you are sort of taking control with it. Thank you for explaining that to me.
Personally i have no problems with food. I couldnt imagine not being able to eat in public (as i am a lover of foods too!), it must be really tough for you.

Sure, everyone has their own different relationships with sibilings. Would you someday hope to have a closeness with your sister? If so, do you think you could take action into maybe meeting up with her? Maybe a coffee/tea at your place or somewhere? Or if you were comfortable enough, maybe a lunch/dinner at your house?

@ The Lone Gunman - i think in life if we had no bad times or setbacks, then we wouldnt apprichate the good times that come with it. Life is a merry-go-round full of emotions. We just need to know how to handle these emotions to the best of our ability. But easiet said then done!

Btw, i am not doing the suicide awareness programme until the 15th April...i will be sure to keep yous' updated tho.

@ Feathers - sorry feathers if this sounds rude, when you say you dont know what everyone is so upset about - im sorry, but you dont suffer, so you dont have to go through the horribleness of the condition. I think you may be mistaking blushing for flushing though. Flushing is when people have rosy cheeks etc., blushing is when it looks like we a getting embarrased over something (and were not, im only embarrased becoz of the blush).

For me it isnt a thing that happens rare, it happens quite often, too often for my liking! Becuase it happens often, it doesnt become "cute" anymore. It becomes a disgusting feature that hapens in the most unappropate situations, that we have to live with.

Thanks for the tips Feathers, i think i will just have to wait and see how the day is set up to really know how i will manage. I will bring the notepad, the pen (that will trigger a memory that is positive, in someway!). I am also going to make sure i wear a chain and a bracelet. This is so i can fiddle with them, so i dont feel like im stuck.

About my sis, she is stubbern. We have been trying for ages to get her to go see someone, but we can physically drag her down. Well, we can, but i think that kinda defeats the purpose!! I think we are slowly getting through to her tho.

P.S. Feathers, please dont take the first line of what i wrote to you in a bad way. I understand you dont suffer and cant fully understand so i apprichate the kind words you said about it, to make me feel better - i really do. I i apprichate you trying to relate and understand...

Thanks all !!

 

[DespairSoul]

@Hottie

Thank u for kind words

Well with sis isn't so bad again that we can't meet or something. Is ok is going too about distance where they live and where i live. Then we see each other one time per year. One time i was living with one sis half year and wasn't much good because of both hot temper. I love my sisters thought we aren't so close isn't mean we don't love each other if i were small they was always sending me letters and caring about me on distance") soo is fine. But i always wished have at least one sibling yet as they were together i would be too so close with one would be great.

Goody nightyand thank u for caring.