Waste of time?

[schist]

Maybe she also fancies someone else.. Or prefers you as an acquaintance only.. Or maybe she fancies you and doesn't want you to see some silly stuff she has posted on FB 'friends only', maybe might be afraid you wouldn't find her so interesting if you saw all her secrets - type of thing?

So it would be a waste of time then?

 

[sanitariumcalls]

Why not just get her some flowers? That's pretty straightforward message! Good luck!

 

[Feathers]

So it would be a waste of time then?

If your goal is to marry her, maybe?

If your goal is to get to know her and see what she's really like and what could be behind her sweet face and hot-n-cold behavior, then maybe not - taking time to get to know people is not a waste of time!! You may learn interesting things about yourself as well!

I just wrote it could be a bunch of different things, so these are perhaps some possibilities to try to learn more about.. talking to mutual friends and taking time to get to know her will only give you any real answers.. None of us here online really know her.. Or you, that much...

Are you really short with time, like you work two jobs and study full-time..? And need to get married in like, two years.. or less.. Then maybe you might want to find someone more straightforward to court.. If you really like this girl and have time enough, and perhaps also meet other people strictly in the get-to-know-you sense.. Then it might not be a waste of time but an interesting experience.. no matter what the result..

This girl appears to be a challenge, and maybe she will prove worthy of your time, maybe not.. It's up to you to decide..
Personally, I like interesting and complex people.. Some are only shy and nice underneath, some might have other issues or things they are battling with.. I'm still interested in people and like to get to know them. So for me, getting to know someone would be interesting and possibly fun. It's up to you though...

 

[schist]

And so it continues ...

I'm actually thinking of asking her next time I talk to her if everything's alright with us, and if I've done anything to upset her/make her feel uncomfortable.

This has to stop, I don't see why I have to be singled out here. It's not fair, and it's bull****.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

And so it continues ...

I'm actually thinking of asking her next time I talk to her if everything's alright with us, and if I've done anything to upset her/make her feel uncomfortable.

This has to stop, I don't see why I have to be singled out here. It's not fair, and it's bull****.

I used to have that kind of behavior, at a time when I was absolutely not comfortable with myself. Most of all with guys I liked.
You had to work months before getting me to open up.
And I would have done exactly the same with the facebook thing.
The fact that you are awkward probably doesn't help her to be comfortable with you.
So I would say keep being nice with her, try to say interesting stuff, don't try too much, let her some space (but pay attention to her), try to be more comfortable with yourself, and be patient.

 

[Kato]

Hi all,

Recently there's been this girl I've been trying to get to know, and her responses have been confusing the hell out of me.

She's normally very quiet and shy, but she says hello to me when we see each other and she doesn't shy away from body contact (hugs etc.). However, she doesn't seem to actually start a proper conversation with me (I always have to do it), and whenever I do, it seems forced and awkward (though that has to do more with my lack of conversational skills).

Now it's not like I don't know her, and I've tried adding her on Facebook, but have gotten no response - however, she'll add/accept adds from people she knows who are merely acquaintances?

So I've been wondering what to do here - keep trying to convince her to open up, or just give up altogether?

Your input will be greatly appreciated.

Maybe she is acting nervous around you?

Body contact can be construed as intimate. She should know that and be clear. I don't respect someone crossing my boundaries unless I know them well. For me, when I have crossed those bounderies by even hugging, it is because I feel intimate for one reason of another.I dislike it when foreigners expect and American to greet them with a hug. I have many foreigners in my family and their friend try to hug me and sometime try and kiss my cheek.

Ask her straight up about the Facebook incident. It would be another good challenge you could do. It is better than stressing about it for a long time.

I couldn't say say if she is honest. I haven't seen her behaviors or how she communicates.

 

[Feathers]

And so it continues ...

I'm actually thinking of asking her next time I talk to her if everything's alright with us, and if I've done anything to upset her/make her feel uncomfortable.

Well, I think something like that would make me feel uncomfortable (someone actually asked me something like that, and I didn't know what to say..) If you do make her feel uncomfortable she may be uncomfortable to tell you that, lol!! If it's allright, you may get reassurance.. You may also get fake reassurance, so not sure how credible this can be.. Depends on her and if you can tell when she tells the truth or not..

If you do ask, try to do it in a jokey/manly (not-too-whiney/upset) manner, like you're cool with whatever the answer.. (though you could 'play-act' being 'deeply hurt' or such, depending on the answer..) At least that would be my opinion.. to do it with humor and in a playful manner.. You could just straight out 'accuse' her of not-friending you on FB 'and what's up with that?' though again only if you do it in a jokey/half-serious manner.. At least that is my opinion.. If you do it in the way so you two can laugh about it, it can be much easier..
Or refuse the hug, saying 'You don't wanna friend me on FB and now you wanna hug me? pfft!' (in a true 'Drama Queen' manner, exaggerating a bit of course) or something like that?

If you're in a hurry to get a gf, maybe also be open to other people inbetween? And have you read any good books about dating and such?

 

[Kato]

Why not just get her some flowers? That's pretty straightforward message! Good luck!

That is a great idea. Its bold. I did that with my now wife while we still only friends. Though I was probably nervous, it worked. Once I found two beautiful roses for her then learned that in her culture the two together meant death. I only buy 12 or more now.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

How is she at conversing with other people? Maybe she just doesn't have the skills. If this is the case then you need to take the lead. Ask her lots of open-ended questions, without getting too pushy. Perhaps even state that you are feeling somewhat uncomfortable with the lack of conversation, and ask if she thinks there is some sort of problem.

I wouldn't worry about the facebook thing, apparently many partners aren't even facebook friends with each other.

 

[schist]

See, here's the thing. If she'd only ever offered short disinterested answers when I tried talking to her, and never asked me any questions about myself back, I'd take it as read that she definitely doesn't like me.

However, we actually can have a conversation, as wooden and forced as it may be, and she's hugged me goodbye a couple of times. And her close friends (who are my close friends too) say she's a pretty honest person. So yeah, not sure what to think about this.

Either way, I'm still asking her what's up. I don't deserve to be strung along like this, not at all.

 

[Kinetik]

I think this situation might well be a waste of time, at least in its current form. Whenever I've been involved with women, it's been sudden and unexpected. There's just something about an initial spark, and if it's there you have to strike while the iron's hot. But if it drags on like this and feels stale and boring, it probably is in her mind as well. However, I don't think she's leading you on, since it's not like she came on strong and then backed down again. From what I've read here, it just doesn't seem like she's very interested.

Maybe you could fire up some chemistry by forgetting about her for a few weeks and then catching her at a bar one night or something. I've learned it's good to give people the gift of missing you. That way you can enjoy a more carefree chat, have a few drinks, and see where the night takes you. Just an idea.

 

[schist]

Well I care more about connecting as friends rather than potential partners - she hasn't expressed an interest in dating anyone, and two of my mates have tried asking her out and failed, so why would I be any different?

Just saying, it doesn't seem fair that I'm being singled out here while she'll easily accept most of my other friends without any worries, I'm not an a-hole or a jerk - but at the same time, I'm not a "nice guy" weenie either ...

And again, I'm not talking to her everytime I see her and constantly harassing her, I'm being moderate so as to avoid oversaturating her.

 

[schist]

How is she at conversing with other people? Maybe she just doesn't have the skills. If this is the case then you need to take the lead. Ask her lots of open-ended questions, without getting too pushy. Perhaps even state that you are feeling somewhat uncomfortable with the lack of conversation, and ask if she thinks there is some sort of problem.

I wouldn't worry about the facebook thing, apparently many partners aren't even facebook friends with each other.

She's fine with conversing with most other people, I don't see why I should be any different.

 

[schist]

Right, a little update ...

These people I mentioned in the first post that she'll accept adds from, she doesn't even speak to most of them in real life, not even to say "hi" to them when she sees them around - but she'll say "hi" to me. The mind boggles ...