Trying for kids, can I pass this on?

[ryan2022]

Hi guys,

havent posted in a while.

My wife and I have been trying for kids for six years now with no luck. We've tried the fertility meds, natural remedies, and a bunch of other options.

We're now looking at another drug, and that will about do it, then its on to adoption.

Two questions:

If we did have a baby naturally, could I pass this lousy crap anxiety on to our baby? I would HATE myself, if I knowingly had control over a situation, and let it happen out of selfishness.

Should we even be looking at kids? I'm a little concerned that although we're in good shape, the financial strain would peak my anxiety, and just the day to day life would really mess me up.

A crystal ball would be nice........anyone?

Thanks for the thoughts. This has been really tough for us over the last little while. Putting my foot down and telling her I dont want kids naturally (even though it may not even happen) is really tough.

Ryan

 

[hoddesdon]

The short answer is yes, since there is a genetic component.

 

[Danfalc]

The short answer is yes, since there is a genetic component.

Not sure if that's true at all. Genetics maybe a factor,but social anxiety does not get passed down from parent to child.I would say in 75% of cases it's caused by some form of traumatic abuse.Most members on here have it after going through sexual abuse,emotional abuse and neglect,bullying or something else.A few others report a happy childhood but have had it since they can remember.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I don't think it is something you pass down biologically.

But I think it's something you can pass down, by your habits. Can't really think of a better way to put it. Not all people who suffer from anxiety disorders had a bad experience growing up.

I "learned" most of my anxieties from my mom. She was always too afraid to let me do this or that, always afraid of this or that... and I picked that up.

So I mean, when raising your kids you just have to make sure to try and not let your own fears prevent them from growing up/living life. Scary as it is, you have to push them to get out there.

My opinion, and I hope no one takes it the wrong way. Not really good at putting what I am thinking into words.

 

[3lefts]

It is in the genetics but the above is right. Not significantly. However it isn't as easy as avoiding social trauma, the child learns from their parents.
I wouldn't worry about the genetics, I'd worry about passing the SA on through your own behaviour around them and other people than family, which they will see and take note of, as every child does.

 

[hoddesdon]

Not sure if that's true at all. Genetics maybe a factor,but social anxiety does not get passed down from parent to child.I would say in 75% of cases it's caused by some form of traumatic abuse.Most members on here have it after going through sexual abuse,emotional abuse and neglect,bullying or something else.A few others report a happy childhood but have had it since they can remember.

In my understanding there is an underlying dopamine deficiency which is genetic. The traumatic experiences you mention trigger it if there is a dopamine deficiency, but someone with normal brain chemistry can rebound successfully.

That also means that some people who are unaffected also have a dopamine deficiency, but never confronted traumatic experiences. A child can be affected but not the parent because the parent happened not to encounter a trigger.

I do not know what the explanation for those with a happy childhood is - perhaps they have an extreme dopamine deficiency (?)

 

[Confuseddd]

it is a teachable behavior, if you show the child thats how to act, then thats how they will act. You must be the emotional rock for the child.

 

[Dronee]

I think there's a genetic and also a teachable aspect. But on the other hand, if your child sees (and he or she will) your anxiety and sees that despite it, you try your best to overcome it and act gracefully in spite of it, what does that teach your child?

I think it teaches courage and perseverance.

 

[Lea]

At worst you will have a bit retarded child, but at least it will be lucky not to live in a destructive family.

 

[Feathers]

Well, I was thinking about similar things..

There's another similar thread here on the forums, you can maybe do a search.. Some people are afraid to have kids and some aren't.. It may be also helpful to talk to some people who have had kids..

I think if your wife really wants to have kids, then go for it.
Also read everything you can about bringing up happy healthy kids, like books by Mazlish & Faber, or Jane Bluestein, watch the Nanny 911 or SuperNanny videos... There's A LOT you can learn to bring up happier kids.. You can never be 100%... And even people who don't have anxiety can pass on all sorts of other unwanted behaviors etc, so I think if one had to choose between a horrible bully or someone nice with anxiety, the kid with anxiety would be a nicer choice any time.. You know what it's like to have anxiety so you may be more understanding and sympathetic of that kid, if anything happens..
And don't expect kids to be happy 'all the time'.. That's horrible pressure for a kid.. They have a right to feel miserable and learn from it too..
And don't expect your happiness to depend on the kids either.. Or for them to 'fulfill' you.. You still need other people and hobbies etc in life..

About financial strains, some people think they have to buy everything new for the kid.. I think that's not true.. You can get a lot of stuff second hand, or from relatives.. Or make things DIY.. In the old times or elsewhere in the world, people have had kids even if they were broke.. It's wise to make a budget and ask parents in your area about the costs of schooling etc.

Do you have a support system? Grannies or neighbours or other relatives who could help out with occasional daycare or such? (If not (yet) can you build one? This can help reduce costs and emotional strain too..) Teenage girls here around love looking after younger kids too.. (some even for free, it's great to build up skills for future careers or family..)

 

[ryan2022]

Thanks for all the replies.

I beleive that it IS both some genetic and some learned traits.

Thanks for the responses, its given things to chew on.

We're financially stable, because it HAS taken us a good number of years. Hopefully money wont be a major issue, and we'll be okay that way.

I like to think, I'm self aware enough that I cant control what the little one grows up around. and my wife is very calm and pretty easy going!

Wish us luck.

thanks again.

Ryan

 

[LookingForward]

Its psychological, so I don't think there's the possibility of it being hereditory, or at least I hope so, I have a young daughter. Currently she is the happiest, chattiest little thing you could imagine, I plan on keeping her that way. I encourage her to socialize as much as possible in an attempt to fend off any chances of it appearing.

On the making babies side, my sister and her husband tried for a child for 5 years without success, they tried all the drugs and fertility treatments with no joy. They eventually gave up. Six months later she fell pregnant with twins... so never say never, sometimes its just the pressure of trying that can stop it from happening.

 

[ryan2022]

Yep, Id bet youre right on that one!

We'll see what happenes. All the best to you and your little girl!