Too depressed for a girlfriend

[recluse]

Being depressed is a major reason why I dont think about dating, also my shyness stops me, but even shy guys have girlfriends.

I have no motivation to be in a relationship and I am plagued by self hatred and thoughts like "who would want a loser like me?" Who in the right mind would want to be with someone who is so down on himself?

Basically my problems started at the age of 14 when I suffered from male anorexia, I then spent a year in therapy and took up cycling as a sport. So when all my peers were going through the stage in life of being interested in girls and having girlfriends I was too busy with recovering from anorexia and riding my bike.

I cant even feel good enough for friends let alone having a girlfriend, and I often wonder if I will ever get over my self hatred enough to live a normal life. I am 32 and I am nowhere near experiencing a relationship. Am I doomed to die a sad old virgin who's never been loved?

 

[Feathers]

Hey Recluse, hope things get better.

Both depression and feeling lonely can suck. You've learnt a lot from your strruggles with anorexia etc and are probably gonna be a much better boyfriend from it all, you'll know how to appreciate a girlfriend etc.
And bike helped you stay fit, no?

Maybe partly your problem is from living in the country, if I remember right. I live in the country too, and most people over 30 are married or in couples. Some of them split and there you still have a chance...
Maybe you can find someone who likes bike-riding too? Are there groups that go cycling together where you live?

 

[MotherWolff]

Ah I feel you Recluse. I feel like I'm too damn apathetic and depressed to be in a relationship. I have gotten better since I first became depressed. But it still continues to haunt me. Right now I am trying to start dating a nice, young man I met on a dating site. But my dad seems like he hardly likes the idea. He wouldn't even talk to the guy when I asked him to yesterday. But he did say he would talk to the man some other time.

Which is also a cause of discouragement. I just don't see how any man would want a girl who is sad, mad, and unmotivated all of the time! But I have some shred of hope that he just might be the man of my dreams....I dunno....I just feel so stupid for even thinking I could ACTUALLY be romantically involved with someone.

I wish I could give you some helpful advice, Recluse. But at least you know that you're not alone.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Felt same way years ago. Then got some motivation, some, and joined a meetup group. You can find them all over I think. meetup.com, people start up groups of like interests for people like you and me. I found joining a group that also went out to restaurants as meetups to be an easy first task - SA and all that.

You know right now a relationship is probably not best for you and the other person. So drop it and get out and enjoy yourself and hopefully enjoy others' company too. Maybe, just maybe, a girl will peek your interest and you'll see her several more times......

Go for it! The hardest step is the first step. It's really doable though.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Hey Recluse, hope things get better.

Both depression and feeling lonely can suck. You've learnt a lot from your strruggles with anorexia etc and are probably gonna be a much better boyfriend from it all, you'll know how to appreciate a girlfriend etc.
And bike helped you stay fit, no?

Maybe partly your problem is from living in the country, if I remember right. I live in the country too, and most people over 30 are married or in couples. Some of them split and there you still have a chance...
Maybe you can find someone who likes bike-riding too? Are there groups that go cycling together where you live?

Nice to see you in here again Feathers! You still have that encouraging infused advice giving skill!

 

[SilentBird]

Yeah it's a horrible feeling. I met someone recently and we seemed similiar and I liked her. Except that I'm too depressed and anxious so I'm letting it slide :sad: I struggle too much with myself let alone getting involved with someone else. And I'm actually scared of being attracted to someone.

 

[recluse]

Hey Recluse, hope things get better.

Both depression and feeling lonely can suck. You've learnt a lot from your strruggles with anorexia etc and are probably gonna be a much better boyfriend from it all, you'll know how to appreciate a girlfriend etc.
And bike helped you stay fit, no?

Maybe partly your problem is from living in the country, if I remember right. I live in the country too, and most people over 30 are married or in couples. Some of them split and there you still have a chance...
Maybe you can find someone who likes bike-riding too? Are there groups that go cycling together where you live?

Hi at the moment i am not depressed but I guess anxious and restless, my mood changes from day to day.

Yeah it keeps me fit. I used to be in a cycling club when I was in school, the members have been trying to get me to rejoin but I feel I want to be alone all the time.

 

[recluse]

Ah I feel you Recluse. I feel like I'm too damn apathetic and depressed to be in a relationship. I have gotten better since I first became depressed. But it still continues to haunt me. Right now I am trying to start dating a nice, young man I met on a dating site. But my dad seems like he hardly likes the idea. He wouldn't even talk to the guy when I asked him to yesterday. But he did say he would talk to the man some other time.

Which is also a cause of discouragement. I just don't see how any man would want a girl who is sad, mad, and unmotivated all of the time! But I have some shred of hope that he just might be the man of my dreams....I dunno....I just feel so stupid for even thinking I could ACTUALLY be romantically involved with someone.

I wish I could give you some helpful advice, Recluse. But at least you know that you're not alone.

I get mood swings. When I am my normal self I am cheerful and I feel positive but when I am depressed I feel like crap and that no woman would ever love me. My workmates see my cheerful side but they dont know about my depression and I would be afraid of showing if I was in a relationship. I feel fake all the time like I am pretending to be nice and happy. I wouldn't like to burden anyone so Im probbly better off alone.

 

[recluse]

Felt same way years ago. Then got some motivation, some, and joined a meetup group. You can find them all over I think. meetup.com, people start up groups of like interests for people like you and me. I found joining a group that also went out to restaurants as meetups to be an easy first task - SA and all that.

You know right now a relationship is probably not best for you and the other person. So drop it and get out and enjoy yourself and hopefully enjoy others' company too. Maybe, just maybe, a girl will peek your interest and you'll see her several more times......

Go for it! The hardest step is the first step. It's really doable though.

I have no motivation most of the time to meet people and I think why should I bother people with my presence? Other people have attributes to offer like being interesting and funny, what have I?

 

[recluse]

Yeah it's a horrible feeling. I met someone recently and we seemed similiar and I liked her. Except that I'm too depressed and anxious so I'm letting it slide :sad: I struggle too much with myself let alone getting involved with someone else. And I'm actually scared of being attracted to someone.

I avoid people. At the start I am full of enthuiasm but I then stop contacting them until they get fed up and ditch me. I am no good at maintaining friendships/correspondance.

 

[SilentBird]

In sickness and health etc. People who are sometimes depressed or anxious are worthy of love, as long as their problems don't put too much strain on the relationship, and they bring enough happiness and caring to make up for it. Being sensitive can be a valuable quality in a relationship.

recluse, you are working and you have hobbies and it sounds like you would make a good boyfriend. I understand it's hard putting yourself out there when you are shy.

 

[recluse]

In sickness and health etc. People who are sometimes depressed or anxious are worthy of love, as long as their problems don't put too much strain on the relationship, and they bring enough happiness and caring to make up for it. Being sensitive can be a valuable quality in a relationship.

recluse, you are working and you have hobbies and it sounds like you would make a good boyfriend. I understand it's hard putting yourself out there when you are shy.

Yeah I am glad to have my hobbies and my job but I can't stop feeling empty and discontent. There's only so much isolation a person can take, and even hobbies can't make up for the loneliness. The sad thing is I feel lonely even with people so it's a no win situation.

People say that to be loved you must love yourself first, but this isn't true because I go through stages of feeling happy and love myself and nothing changes. Basically if you don't put yourself out there you're f#cked and this is my problem, no one is going to come knocking on my door I know that, but even in situations where I've had the oppurtunity to be social like in the work cafeteria I have no clue what to say to people and I'm super awkward.

I've just f#ucked up another friendship because I was avoiding this girl, and she has now stopped being in touch with me.

 

[SilentBird]

...even in situations where I've had the oppurtunity to be social like in the work cafeteria I have no clue what to say to people and I'm super awkward.

I think that everyone one is at least a little awkward and insecure. Many people just learn to be good at pretending.

I've just f#ucked up another friendship because I was avoiding this girl, and she has now stopped being in touch with me.

I avoid showing women who I am attracted to that I like them because I believe, and therefore think, I am not worthy.

 

[recluse]

I think that everyone one is at least a little awkward and insecure. Many people just learn to be good at pretending.



I avoid showing women who I am attracted to that I like them because I believe, and therefore think, I am not worthy.

Yeah I think she believes that I don't want her friendship but I do, just that I feel worthless and undeserving.

 

[SilentBird]

Yeah I think she believes that I don't want her friendship but I do, just that I feel worthless and undeserving.

Don't let her go. Apologise for not keeping in touch. Explain to her that you are shy and find it difficult initiating contact and maintaining friendships. Tell her it's not personal. Tell her you appreciate her friendship.

What happens when everyone is gone?

 

[theslowesthand]

Yeah I am glad to have my hobbies and my job but I can't stop feeling empty and discontent. There's only so much isolation a person can take, and even hobbies can't make up for the loneliness

I haven't worked in over 10 years, but i have my "hobby" of using the computer, so that usually keeps me from feeling bored & lonely. But if i'm "down" (eg depressed) then even that (hobby) doesn't work.

Concerning people and women, i regard myself to be an almost complete "write-off" for life .. at least as bad as your situation. Gave up 20/so years ago, in my teens or even childhood. But in saying that, i still believe there is hope: if i can manage to "fix" my internal negativity, pessimism, strictness/inflexibility, anxieties, etc (by way of "internal work") ... THEN i may be able to also "fix" my long-standing people issues; but if i can't (former), then i won't (latter). I am well-aware it won't be an easy task, as i'm naturally over-critical, worrisome, fearful, fretful, moody, etc, etc. Currently i am getting into all sorts of self-help stuff to help me with my various issues - watching self-help videos, joining sites, downloading free ebooks, trying out various meditations. Even thinking about hypnotism.

Same goes for you i would expect. You must fix yourself BEFORE you can fix your people/women issues. And it probably will take a HUGE amount of work (for both of us, and many others on this site), and requiring usage of POWERFUL tools/methods. Anything less is doomed to failure i suspect.

 

[Rookiebatman]

Yeah I am glad to have my hobbies and my job but I can't stop feeling empty and discontent. There's only so much isolation a person can take, and even hobbies can't make up for the loneliness. The sad thing is I feel lonely even with people so it's a no win situation.

People say that to be loved you must love yourself first, but this isn't true because I go through stages of feeling happy and love myself and nothing changes. Basically if you don't put yourself out there you're f#cked and this is my problem, no one is going to come knocking on my door I know that, but even in situations where I've had the oppurtunity to be social like in the work cafeteria I have no clue what to say to people and I'm super awkward.

I know exactly how you feel; people say that "to be loved you have to love yourself first" to me as well, but how people (especially girls) react to me at any given time doesn't seem to have any correlation to how much I'm loving myself at that point.

 

[Feathers]

Hey everyone! Nice to be remembered!

Well, I think the whole 'depressed=unworthy of love' is simply bull****! I used to think so too.
Recently, I've met several amazing people who were depressed (you wouldn't even know it!) and some were in good relationships.... So, you never know. Their partners didn't just leave them when they got depressed.
I think many people here on this forum are super-critical of oneself (me included!). Some may be recovering perfectionists etc.

I agree, Recluse, you got a lot to offer. You have a job and hobbies, which is more than many have. You keep fit and exercise or bike riding also helps prevent depression.

To some point it's good to 'work on oneself' (and seek help if needed), then it comes to being brave and start meeting people etc. (This is easier in theory, I admit!)

 

[recluse]

Hey everyone! Nice to be remembered!

Well, I think the whole 'depressed=unworthy of love' is simply bull****! I used to think so too.
Recently, I've met several amazing people who were depressed (you wouldn't even know it!) and some were in good relationships.... So, you never know. Their partners didn't just leave them when they got depressed.
I think many people here on this forum are super-critical of oneself (me included!). Some may be recovering perfectionists etc.

I agree, Recluse, you got a lot to offer. You have a job and hobbies, which is more than many have. You keep fit and exercise or bike riding also helps prevent depression.

To some point it's good to 'work on oneself' (and seek help if needed), then it comes to being brave and start meeting people etc. (This is easier in theory, I admit!)

But it's true, once a person gets a slightest hint that the other person is depressed they distance themselves. Mental illness is still stigmatized. A friend told me once that im selfish for being depressed, then just a year ago she changed her opinion saying that it's not my fault for having an illness. That comment of me being selfish for having an illness upset me, she also said that I should be glad I dont have cancer. Comments like that make a depressed person feel worse. Depression won't kill a person like cancer unless the person commits suicide. People are too quick to trivialise mental illness.

 

[SilentBird]

Mental illness is still stigmatized.

I have internalized the stigma of my condition. It's a huge barrier for me, maybe the biggest. I don't value myself but other people do. If I am honest with myself, there's a lot evidence to show that I am actually quite likable. I have lost touch with people for many years and been able to resume those friendships. One I had let go because of that stigma I have of myself. It turns out she had major struggles of her own.

I am learning to open up to some people. People differ in how much they can take of other people's problems. There are people who care more than one might think. They will not judge you as harshly as you might judge yourself, and they will appreciate you. They may even know what it's like to be depressed.