Today is a day like most others here. Kind of cool and rainy which makes my knee ache. I had some strange feeling in my left hand the other day in the parts that I've not been able to feel since that accident a few months ago. It kind of tingled for a few minutes. It was enough to give me some hope of feeling my whole hand again.
This is not a journal! Or a diary!
- Thread starter jc972
- Start date
I got a phone call earlier from someone i had long forgotten. It was a guy that was a fireman at my old department. Apparently he is now the fire chief in the next town over and he called me to see if i would come to work for him. See, he went in his first structure fire with me years before i ever made lieutenant and we worked the same engine crew for probably 3 years before i quit. Now he says most of his guys are fresh out of the academy and he wants a few veteran firemen in his crew and he already has two other guys from our old crew but wants me.too. That was an ego boost, I'm not gonna lie. I told him i would have to think about it and i am. I would do ok until the PTSD kicked in and I'm afraid it would put me back to where i was in '08. I think i could be one of the truck drivers/ pump operators. My certifications in those are still good. I could help him and be back away from the casualties. Only thing is that if he was short on men then i'd have to go get it done and with that i might have a relapse. This would only be on days when I'm not doing my regular job too. Not every day and not full time. I want to help him out and all but what if i start doing it and have to pull another dead child out of a burning house and i flip out again and all the progress I've made in the last 5.5 years is wasted? But at the same time i could be passing on my accrued knowledge to some rookies and keeping them safe. What do i do here? I'm having a hard time with this. I know a while back i put in with a wildfire crew but this is different, this is going back to houses and cars on fire with people in them instead of forest fires in the middle of nowhere. I would like to hear your input on the situation if you don't mind please.
SoScared
Well-known member
Going backwards is generally not perceived as a good plan no matter what the circumstances. This guy essentially called you for his benefit not yours. Would he have contacted you otherwise? I doubt it. I remember you mentioning that they are several people who call you because you can fix cars and stuff. I see this in the same category.
That's a very good point. I hadn't thought of that at all and i ain't heard from him since 2008 when i quit. I'm glad you brought that up, thank you
BlueDays
1
^ I don't know much about PTSD, but wouldn't it be guaranteed to come back if you put yourself back in the very same situation that formed it to begin with?
He is asking for your help, but how much help would you end up being when your PTSD comes back? :idontknow:
MikeyC
Well-known member
I think you're going to get unanimous answers here. I suggest not going back. You already have some trauma that has taken years to get over, so I know you don't want to go back to the crux of that problem to help out a friend. It's not worth it. Leave your firefighting days behind you.
Thanks for the reply, Blue. Probably another near mental breakdown and all kinds of bad stuff. In a way i have something to prove to myself, that i can get back in the hot seat and do good again and help people again BUT if it came back to the extent that it was... i don't know what would happen.... but you're exactly right, if i had another episode i wouldn't be much good to anybody in an emergency situation. One more strike against going back.
You're right. All of you are right. I shouldn't even think of it but its an enticing thought: that of once again helping people, oddly enough, i don't know i just had a weak moment i guess. I knew i could count on y'all to make me see the light.
Several years ago my hands started to ache. From old injuries, no doubt. The thing that kind of worries me is that my hands ache in the cold or wet weather, just like my bad knee does. So I started using grippers. Just a cheap set from a sporting goods store. I've used them for several years while watching TV or sitting on the porch, it's become like a nervous tic almost. This past winter I ordered a Captains of Crush gripper, I think it's the 150 pound model (something like that anyway) and I can tell that my hands are better. The el-cheapo set helped out quite a bit but they were only like 60 or 70 pounds, more suited to injury rehab than strength training, but my hands don't hurt near as bad now. I can close the lighter weight gripper with two fingers and a thumb on either hand now. When my left hand got hurt at work a few months ago I had to stop using the heavy gripper in that hand but now I'm back up to using it after a while with the lighter weight ones and I still get those tingling sensations in the parts of my hand that I can't feel every now and then but I can feel the tingly thing going on like it's healing. I think doing the grip exercise is helping me to get the feeling back in it, slowly but better than not at all. I'm happy with my continued progress and wanted to share it with y'all.
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Saturday evening my grandparents came over to my house and grandpaw said he couldn't get the tractor to run. He said it'd start but wouldn't stay running. We talked a bit and not having anything better to do, i changed into some work clothes and we went to his place so i could fix it. I took the older kids with me because i always need people to hand me tools. After a few minutes i figured out the carburetor was gummed up. So i took it off the tractor so i could take it home and work on it. I do better fixing stuff when I can set at my table with lights on and a radio on while sitting in a computer chair in my own little world, just zoned out. So after cleaning the jets and needle valves and removing all the crud, i put it back together again. Today before i went to work i went over and put the thing back on the tractor. I got it started and fine tuned the thing so that it's engine purrs like a panther now. I thought i was alone in the barn working on the thing until i shut it off and was putting tools away when i saw grandpaw watching me. He always encouraged my mechanical ability because he never could fix much stuff himself. He thanked me and helped me put tools away while talking about old tractors. Quality time well spent with father figure and machine.
nodejesque
Well-known member
That's awesome, jc. not many can find an outlet that they are good at AND enjoy. Also, sounds like your granpa is very proud of you
I wish I could fix things. I bought a shelf, and... after putting it together, Its lopsided and I have some leftover pieces. Meh... I think it gives it personality, lol.
Having the ability to work on all things mechanical, is an awesome talent. Definitely something I wish I could do.
I wish I could fix things. I bought a shelf, and... after putting it together, Its lopsided and I have some leftover pieces. Meh... I think it gives it personality, lol.
Having the ability to work on all things mechanical, is an awesome talent. Definitely something I wish I could do.
That's awesome, jc. not many can find an outlet that they are good at AND enjoy. Also, sounds like your granpa is very proud of you
I wish I could fix things. I bought a shelf, and... after putting it together, Its lopsided and I have some leftover pieces. Meh... I think it gives it personality, lol.
Having the ability to work on all things mechanical, is an awesome talent. Definitely something I wish I could do.
Ha ha well i enjoy it when its on my own terms, like in a well lit garage with a comfy chair and a radio on. Out in the sun, sweating my rear off, bugs driving me nuts, i hate even the idea. I got spoiled i guess.
Them shelves are tricky. I had to re do ours twice... after i read the directions! Still f'd it up. Don't feel bad at all, we just have furniture with personality
Yeah he encouraged me quite a bit when i was a kid. He taught me what he knew and tried his best with me. He could fix stuff for himself mostly but he don't like to at all.
Thanks for the reply
nodejesque
Well-known member
Hehe, yeah... that does sound comfortable.
As for the shelves, I never read directions. Its the only material that I load to read. I guess I just hate being told what to do lol. Then, when I finally decided to read the damn directions... they were fraking gone! Guess I threw them away while cleaning all the packaging lol.
That's awesome that you have such a supportive grandpa definitely contributed to your being a great dad
And no problem, I enjoy your posts. Although I may not always respond.
As for the shelves, I never read directions. Its the only material that I load to read. I guess I just hate being told what to do lol. Then, when I finally decided to read the damn directions... they were fraking gone! Guess I threw them away while cleaning all the packaging lol.
That's awesome that you have such a supportive grandpa
definitely contributed to your being a great dadAnd no problem, I enjoy your posts. Although I may not always respond.
As for the shelves, I never read directions. Its the only material that I load to read. I guess I just hate being told what to do lol. Then, when I finally decided to read the damn directions... they were fraking gone! Guess I threw them away while cleaning all the packaging lol.
That's awesome that you have such a supportive grandpa
I've did that before, just had to look at the picture on the box and wing it. And whoever writes directions could do a lot better job at making it understandable, couldn't they?
Aw now you're just being nice. I'm a terrible dad. I let them play in the dirt and make them eat their vegetables, i make them take baths and go to bed on time, I'm just awful. That's what the kids say anyway.
nodejesque
Well-known member
Hehe... you do sound like a horrible dad. I mean, c'mon. Vegetables? !
Hoppy
Well-known member
I found it fascinating to read about the stuff you do.
Even the mundane things like fixing your house is interesting, since we do not have wooden houses in South Africa. And most of the cars you write about I have to google to find out what it looks like. Different places, different lives.
I found this nice quote recently from Libba Bay, and it describes for me why I love creative work.
"Certainly, there appears to be a large correlation between artists and depression. But I would argue that artistic expression is not a symptom of depression so much as a response to it. I see writing as an act of resistance against an occupying enemy who means to kill me."
And then there is always the moments where I throw the hammer across the workshop and go outside.