cowboyup
Well-known member
I need to do exactly what my journal is titled: buck up sissy pants.
I just need to get this off my chest and whine a bit...forgive me while I whine and ponder life, lol.
things that have bothered me lately:
*SIL (what's new) is in bedroom practicing Tai Chi right now. Doesn't sound like much but it stems from her going to Tai Chi classes at community center and then proclaiming that when they end she is taking extra lessons during her winter break 2-3 times a week which translates into me watching the kids those times (on top of my usual) and of course this falls on MY winter break - she and I have the same schedule since I am in college and she works at elementary school. So it was agreed upon that her time off = my time off. But it has never turned out as sweet as it sounds. She either gets sick (she gets sick A LOT) or has 'extra curricular activities' she wants to do while on break.
*the whiny, bit*hy person in me wants to scream, "why do you get to help yourself' 'I don't have time for that cuz I always have a kid hanging off me' 'you're the parent, yet you don't act like it' 'gosh, I'd like to get in shape and calm myself down naturally, must be nice for you'
*Since SIL is sick (yes again) with a cold, my brother sent a huge bouquet of flowers to her work yesterday. Gee, how sweet <sarcasm>
I have never received flowers. Never. I wonder what it would be like. hmmm...
*All she has to do is hint at something and poof, it appears. Almost literally. My brother will hear her whine about something or say, 'oh that's cute' or 'honey I want...' and by the magic fairy dust in Tinkerbell's butt, it appears.
*side note, brother had trouble getting the little one to sleep last night. I went downstairs (for something to drink initially) and he and the baby were in the office. I peeked in and he said he can't get her to sleep. I suggested that she likes to have music on and bounced - that makes her sleepy and has worked with me. About 30 minutes later, he comes in my room with baby asleep in his arms. He said he did what I suggested and it worked. Point: sad the parents don't know what works with their kids, isn't it?
there's so much more I could go on and on about but I won't because I will just piss myself off more.
* I am upset I put myself and literally got myself into this mess. It's my fault and nobody can fix it but me. I know that. My SA/depression/severe panic attacks have been at a all time high point and I feel it inhibits me from moving forward because I can not constantly get my medication I need to help control my depression, due to money problems, no health insurance. Yes, I want a job, and yet I can not find the time in my schedule to try and even look for one, because I have a kid hanging on my hip or when I do have 'free time' it is spent at college, or on weekend when everything is closed. I have prevented the kids' parents from actually experiencing the 'joys of parenthood' because whenever they want to do something, go somewhere or whatever, there I am helping out with the kids so they don't know what it's like to find a baby sitter, or compromise their plans to accommodate their parenthood duties.
*I am both jealous and envious of them. I know they work hard for what they have and good for them, but it kills me to see the neighbors fall all over them to wave to them, to say hi or all the gifts they are flourished with at holidays from just neighbors alone. This is just tip of iceberg of what I've seen.
*How is it that some people seem to flow through life effortlessly when others struggle just to make it through a day? Does it ever bother you? Do you ever question what could you do to improve or is it a matter of fate or whatever you want to call it? I don't know if I believe in fate or good luck or any other stuff, but I still wonder.
*SIL believes that all one has to do is say to yourself you will have a good day or things could be worse or really think positive thoughts to overcome most anything. To an extent, I think it can work, but aren't some things out of one's control, like cancer (among other things)? You can't just go thru life saying, I will never get cancer and expect to never get it, or can you?
Conclusion: I must do something to get out of this. Or at least break the cycle I've helped create. It's like I need to re-program the way I do things and think. Do you believe that one can re-program the way you think in order to motivate yourself to change yourself or situation?
*the kinda-sorta-mean side of me wants them to experience what 'real life' is like. But then I have to step back and think, 'real life' for everyone is different - it has a different meaning if that makes sense. A problem to them would be if the iPhone 5 has a waiting list of 2 weeks. Or the latest series of books SIL ordered from Amazon.com has to come from the UK and she has to wait 5 extra days for them to be delivered. (and yes these are some of their 'real life' examples)
Life is mysterious yet at the same time simple.
and so it goes.
I just need to get this off my chest and whine a bit...forgive me while I whine and ponder life, lol.
things that have bothered me lately:
*SIL (what's new) is in bedroom practicing Tai Chi right now. Doesn't sound like much but it stems from her going to Tai Chi classes at community center and then proclaiming that when they end she is taking extra lessons during her winter break 2-3 times a week which translates into me watching the kids those times (on top of my usual) and of course this falls on MY winter break - she and I have the same schedule since I am in college and she works at elementary school. So it was agreed upon that her time off = my time off. But it has never turned out as sweet as it sounds. She either gets sick (she gets sick A LOT) or has 'extra curricular activities' she wants to do while on break.
*the whiny, bit*hy person in me wants to scream, "why do you get to help yourself' 'I don't have time for that cuz I always have a kid hanging off me' 'you're the parent, yet you don't act like it' 'gosh, I'd like to get in shape and calm myself down naturally, must be nice for you'
*Since SIL is sick (yes again) with a cold, my brother sent a huge bouquet of flowers to her work yesterday. Gee, how sweet <sarcasm>
I have never received flowers. Never. I wonder what it would be like. hmmm...
*All she has to do is hint at something and poof, it appears. Almost literally. My brother will hear her whine about something or say, 'oh that's cute' or 'honey I want...' and by the magic fairy dust in Tinkerbell's butt, it appears.
*side note, brother had trouble getting the little one to sleep last night. I went downstairs (for something to drink initially) and he and the baby were in the office. I peeked in and he said he can't get her to sleep. I suggested that she likes to have music on and bounced - that makes her sleepy and has worked with me. About 30 minutes later, he comes in my room with baby asleep in his arms. He said he did what I suggested and it worked. Point: sad the parents don't know what works with their kids, isn't it?
there's so much more I could go on and on about but I won't because I will just piss myself off more.
* I am upset I put myself and literally got myself into this mess. It's my fault and nobody can fix it but me. I know that. My SA/depression/severe panic attacks have been at a all time high point and I feel it inhibits me from moving forward because I can not constantly get my medication I need to help control my depression, due to money problems, no health insurance. Yes, I want a job, and yet I can not find the time in my schedule to try and even look for one, because I have a kid hanging on my hip or when I do have 'free time' it is spent at college, or on weekend when everything is closed. I have prevented the kids' parents from actually experiencing the 'joys of parenthood' because whenever they want to do something, go somewhere or whatever, there I am helping out with the kids so they don't know what it's like to find a baby sitter, or compromise their plans to accommodate their parenthood duties.
*I am both jealous and envious of them. I know they work hard for what they have and good for them, but it kills me to see the neighbors fall all over them to wave to them, to say hi or all the gifts they are flourished with at holidays from just neighbors alone. This is just tip of iceberg of what I've seen.
*How is it that some people seem to flow through life effortlessly when others struggle just to make it through a day? Does it ever bother you? Do you ever question what could you do to improve or is it a matter of fate or whatever you want to call it? I don't know if I believe in fate or good luck or any other stuff, but I still wonder.
*SIL believes that all one has to do is say to yourself you will have a good day or things could be worse or really think positive thoughts to overcome most anything. To an extent, I think it can work, but aren't some things out of one's control, like cancer (among other things)? You can't just go thru life saying, I will never get cancer and expect to never get it, or can you?
Conclusion: I must do something to get out of this. Or at least break the cycle I've helped create. It's like I need to re-program the way I do things and think. Do you believe that one can re-program the way you think in order to motivate yourself to change yourself or situation?
*the kinda-sorta-mean side of me wants them to experience what 'real life' is like. But then I have to step back and think, 'real life' for everyone is different - it has a different meaning if that makes sense. A problem to them would be if the iPhone 5 has a waiting list of 2 weeks. Or the latest series of books SIL ordered from Amazon.com has to come from the UK and she has to wait 5 extra days for them to be delivered. (and yes these are some of their 'real life' examples)
Life is mysterious yet at the same time simple.
and so it goes.
