There should be no reason for my Social Anxiety

[Tavon]

First of all this is my first post, nice to meet all of you.

I don't know why I have Social Anxiety. I've had a very fortunate life. Never been bullied, never been hated by someone, don't have any traumatic experiences, no health problems, money isn't a big issue (middle class), I'm tall, I'm smart, Both my parents are with me and supportive (not as common as it should be in the black community), get compliments on my looks all the time yet this problem eats away at me everyday. I'm dying on the inside and depressed as hell. Everyday that goes by with this issue I feel like I am wasting opportunities in life. Only thing I can think of is that I got fat when I was a kid but got tired of looking in the mirror and lost it all before I entered high school.

My dad says sometimes just shakes his head and says "I don't understand you", well I don't understand me either :sad:

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Koime]

I know how you feel. Well, kinda. I'm very insecure about my looks and my personality but I don't have any bad experiences particularly that make me the way I am. It's pretty frustrating because I've had a couple good friends in the past and I felt really different around them than I do now with no friends and being around others. I've gotten "I just don't understand you" too, a lot lol, and I really don't understand it either. Hmm.

 

[Uninvited]

Perhaps in your case genetics plays crucial role in developing social anxiety but on the other hand it seems impossible that there weren't any negative events in your life that could have take their toll on you. I also used to be overweight in childhood and as you can imagine other kids were quite honest and cruel at the same time. I learned to shut down and not to stand out otherwise kids would pick on you. My therapist suggested that even though my physical appearance changed I still feel like an unattractive, fat girl who wants to melt into the backround and avoids attracting anyone's attention. I find her comment really accurate. That's just my story i dont know if that's the case when it comes to you.

 

[sullyS25]

Well first and foremost, welcome to the forum.

You say you shouldn't have this issue based on your past and I get your logic but the reality of the situation is that you do experience anxiety around other people. My advice would be to stop arguing with reality, accept it and do whatever you can to make yourself comfortable in social situations. Joining this forum as a way to find people to identify with is an awesome start. There are many other treatments I'm sure you're aware of and if not you can certainly ask for ideas on here.

One thing I would not suggest is to not let this site cripple you and make you feel helpless. It's easy to spend life on the computer typing in forums but it doesnt help when you are in real life social situations. Sooner or later, exposure to uncomfortable situations will be necessary to learn and be more comfortable in social situations. My experience has been that the more I avoid them, the more uncomfortable they get when I actually take part in social events.

As for your depression, I feel your pain. I have been severely depressed in the past and it feels like there is no hope most of the time. I would certainly recommend seeing a specialist if it is really bad. Anyways, I wish you the best.

 

[O'Killian]

One thought, just for my own curiosity - are you an only child? Always interested in the anecdotal evidence about the impact of that on social anxiety.

Sully's right though; it is what it is, and unless coming to terms with something will help you overcome it, the origin is irrelevant. And in any case, it's not like something awful has to have happened to you. It can be a lack of something or just your own temperament predisposing you.

I feel much the same way, though. There's no one thing I can step back, point at, and say, 'That really screwed me up.' Doubt that's much help, but at least know you aren't alone.

 

[Road to recovery]

Edited message

 

[vj288]

I feel the same way about myself a lot too especially in the past. In high school I would always think that "on paper my life was perfect/I had nothing to complain about," and that I had no reason to be so quiet or depressed. I sort of thought of myself as that kid in the grocery store who was crying and throwing a temper tantrum and then the parent says "stop that or I'll give you something to cry about" because in reality there was nothing it seemed for me to be sad about or to prevent me from talking but yet I felt horrible most of the time and could barely squeak out more than a few words most of the time.

It's just more complicated that that I guess though. It's no one's fault that I am the way I am, obviously things could have been differently but as far as my life objectively an onlooker could be given the details of my life and find nothing really was done to cause this it's just the way the cards fell. You can do everything perfectly and things can still not work out, some things are just out of our hands. Just because things "should" be a certain way because of this or that, doesn't mean they are that way.

 

[Tavon]

One thought, just for my own curiosity - are you an only child? Always interested in the anecdotal evidence about the impact of that on social anxiety.

Sully's right though; it is what it is, and unless coming to terms with something will help you overcome it, the origin is irrelevant. And in any case, it's not like something awful has to have happened to you. It can be a lack of something or just your own temperament predisposing you.

I feel much the same way, though. There's no one thing I can step back, point at, and say, 'That really screwed me up.' Doubt that's much help, but at least know you aren't alone.

No I have a younger brother and sister and love them to death. They are the only people I am always myself around. If I didn't have them, I don't know how I would have made it this far.

 

[Tavon]

Perhaps in your case genetics plays crucial role in developing social anxiety but on the other hand it seems impossible that there weren't any negative events in your life that could have take their toll on you. I also used to be overweight in childhood and as you can imagine other kids were quite honest and cruel at the same time. I learned to shut down and not to stand out otherwise kids would pick on you. My therapist suggested that even though my physical appearance changed I still feel like an unattractive, fat girl who wants to melt into the backround and avoids attracting anyone's attention. I find her comment really accurate. That's just my story i dont know if that's the case when it comes to you.

Genetics huh. Weird my dad is calm confident, street smart type of person and my mom can talk for hours on end to anybody.

And to sully, I understand that this is just how it is. But just looking back at my life, it just feels like some cruel joke is being played on me. I have all these lucky advantages but I have one problem that negates all of them. I'm sure this is in no way the worst it could be though.

 

[Engulfed707]

Hi and welcome
I'm kind of in the same boat, great on the outside despite a few health issues, and no real reason why I should have socialising problems. I think for me it was just an eventual result of every little thing thrown at me as a kid, because it clearly has only gotten worse over the years.
staying positive is the key!

 

[MikeyC]

Hi, Tavon. Welcome to the forum.

I have had an easier life than just about everyone else here, despite growing up in some adverse conditions. I've never been to hospital, ever. I have no health issues, diseases, chronic pain...nothing. I can go out and have fun and laugh with friends. Yet I'm depressed almost all the time. I guess there's always something in our minds that cause us to think this way.

 

[mikebird]

You've spurred some quick thoughts on my situation.

Born in a large but unsuitable family. Retired parents of age 50 is not a perfect scenario. I had no way to understand that, until I was about 30. All my family have been successful, but parent decided to sell their hotel when I was born to fund my school, which was with middle class people. Mum and Dad downgraded our homes to get money for school & uni. They had a trailer, which I didn't live in. ' Everyone at the same age makes perfect school days, but nobody in my family of my age. Two Brothers 30 years older. When in my late 20s, my brother died. Mum died when she was 80, in 2006. People say my dad has social anxiety. He's alone. My remaining brother recently split from his last wife, of three. We're 75 miles apart. I was the sick boy, with a damaged immune system to a menopausal mum. A lot of time in hospital during school, big organ removal operation at age 30. More hospital time after that until exactly a year ago. I'm sure it's all finished. I hate to mention it. Hard to ignore, with strangers. I should. My abysmal medical history was not caused by me.

I recover. I can do anything. Something bad might happen again

Life was OK until an ongoing employment seek. :sarcastic: This is my only issue in life at all. Socially, I'm not acceptable. I ain't quiet or shy. I'm the opposite, fighting back those who don't allow me to work. I was the quiet boy at school. I saw the high-ego ones who were loud and bulling (not me). Now, I've changed and have become that noisy, infuriated type who'd cause trouble at school. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF is what I love on this forum!

I need to strike a chord of balance between shy and angry to please employers. Professional life did go the way I wanted, but now wrecked by social factors which are lame and limply implemented!

A doer and engineer now seems to have to be an actor and pretend, and do as told

 

[LifeInternal88]

Yea, I get what you're saying.

I wonder if other people see your anxiety...maybe on the outside you do appear calm and confident like your dad. Anxiety is not always obvious to the outside world even though you feel it internally.

I guess just try to accept your self and your blessings. I don't know if we'll ever know why, but dwelling on it won't do anything for you.

 

[Dark angel]

Perhaps is not a matter of your upbringing during your childhood. Perhaps in your case is a matter of biological influences, biochemical process to be exact. I understand that individuals with high level of sensitivity to the neurotransmitter serotonin are more prone to experience social phobia.

 

[hardy]

The reason we have Social Anxiety is not Important. Our attitude towards it IS.

People who overcome problems are the one's with right attitudes.

You will have problems in Life. Everybody does. You can treat them as terrible torments, or as challenges to be overcome. If you regard them as burdens, your suffering will only increase. If you regard them as opportunities to learn and to grow, your Life prospects are unlimited.

Treat the symptoms,negative thoughts and other obstacles as Teachers. Let them be...accepting the symptoms , the thoughts and all the UN-pleasantness is the first step in recovery. And then comes seeing the true nature of these things. All the anxiety symptoms are impermanent. If one can be Mindful of Anxiety....he/she will understand it's true nature....which is "Impermanent".

Problems are there when we are blind to true nature of situations.

It is Possible to overcome Social-Anxiety I think. Acceptance and Impermanence.

 

[Tavon]

Yea, I get what you're saying.

I wonder if other people see your anxiety...maybe on the outside you do appear calm and confident like your dad. Anxiety is not always obvious to the outside world even though you feel it internally.

I guess just try to accept your self and your blessings. I don't know if we'll ever know why, but dwelling on it won't do anything for you.

I wonder that too. Honestly from what I've learned from people around me they just see me as a laid back but serious, quiet, smart kid. Even though that is complete opposite of how I really am and how I perceive the world. I don't think people can tell at all I'm anxious except for a couple experiences I had with this girl I liked (Shutdown mentally at two of her parties and had to make up a lame excuse to leave one of them). mg: