The Tricky Task of Explaining Yourself to New People

Xervello

Well-known member
One of the things that makes meeting new people so damned difficult is having to explain social phobias to those who don't understand it or would belittle it. It's been a few years since I've made any new friends. And these are online friends only. I have no offline ones. But even with online people I try not to come off as weird or awkward because of my issues. So in the past it was always a tricky line to walk as I slowly introduce myself to anyone I hit it off with and using babysteps to carefully inch my true self into the light, over time, so that the people I like become more sympathetic/understanding of me. But that is such a bleeping exhaustive process to undertake once, let alone over and over again.

One of the things I really liked about this forum is that I didn't have to go through that whole process to conceal my issues. ALL of us have them! YaY! Well, not YaY. It sucks we're all going through this. But it's such a relief to avoid that burden. Having said that, it also stresses the importance of those friends I/we DO have. Boyfriends/girlfriends included. And also why we tend to allow so much abuse and exploitation by these people because, hey, it's not like there's a lot of people beating down the door wanting to be with our crazy selves. To find someone that will put up with all our issues and personality faults and checkered pasts, there's value in that. But it may also trap us in unhealthy relationships/friendships.

I've been fortunate to have made a couple of really good friends from this place. But in lieu of recent circumstances, one of those friendships has become drastically altered and troublesome for me. Someone I very much rely on and have come to depend on in ways I never thought I would again. Someone that really helped me venture out of my comfort zone. Someone I cared more about than I wished I did. And it's made me revisit the entire friendship issue. I don't know if I could ever do it again. But I'm thankful to this place for having met this person, and for the opportunity to meet others like them and myself.

Just out of curiosity, how successful have you all been in developing relationships at this site? Have the "social phobia" friends you've made been helpful to you, harmful or neither?
 
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SCP-087-1

Well-known member
I don't explain myself to people. I just tell them I'm a bit shy. I don't just announce it. I try my hardest to talk to them and keep a conversation going but when there's an awkward silence where I can't think of anything to say I say something like "Sorry. I'm kind of a shy person"

That's all they need to know. If we get to know each other better then I'll tell them about it more in depth.

I've made a few friends on this website in the past. It's nice talking to people who understand. After a while we kinda stopped talking though. I only talk to a couple of people at the moment. Out of all the people I've talked to on this website only one was a bad experience.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Thank you for the thoughtful post. You really hit on so many things that make sense to me. The relationship thing is spot on as you described. I keep finding myself with the wrong people who treat me poorly because like you said, who the heck would want to deal with us? I really need help and finding someone who would be willing to put up with all of my issues is next to impossible. I am always honest right up front and then the whole vibe is off for things because of it. I often have been in abusive situations which further my depression and anxiety. It's a vicious cycle that I cannot seem to escape. A form of living hell really.
In answer to y our question about making friends here, yes I have made a few I really enjoy "knowing"(you know who you are lol) they have been so helpful to me and supportive. I am very thankful for their presence in my life. It is so easy with people here when you do click. It is so comforting to know we are not alone in our struggles.
I wish you luck with meeting new people. It does get harder as we get older, but it's no less important to try to develop friendships. It's important because they don't judge you, a true friend will not be that way. We need empathy from another human like we need air and the average person doesn't get it. People here do.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
It occurs to me now, from your post, though I often forget this-we take so much bad stuff in our relationships because we feel we don't have a right to ask for better. At least I do. When someone is bad to me I just take it, whereas most people would walk away and find someone new. Life would be so much easier that way. So freeing.
 
Yes, I also despise the problem with meeting new people and sometimes having to explain why you are the way you are, to them.
I try and hide my anxiety as much as I possibly can around new people I meet, but it all can't be hidden, eventually some shines through your mask. :eek:h:


I only have one friend here, I suck at making friends and keeping them as much here as anywhere else :)
^ Same here.

I still retreat from getting too close to those people in this site I have almost connected with in here. I have always found I am still too afraid to get too close as they will just end up not wanting to continue talking to me eventually anyway - as I do in real life as well. With one exception I struck gold a few years ago and found one great friend in here that still actually wants to talk to me on Skype - text only that is. Still amazed, I think it was a fluke! :bigsmile:
 

Xervello

Well-known member
Yes, I also despise the problem with meeting new people and sometimes having to explain why you are the way you are, to them.
I try and hide my anxiety as much as I possibly can around new people I meet, but it all can't be hidden, eventually some shines through your mask. :eek:h:



^ Same here.

I still retreat from getting too close to those people in this site I have almost connected with in here. I have always found I am still too afraid to get too close as they will just end up not wanting to continue talking to me eventually anyway - as I do in real life as well. With one exception I struck gold a few years ago and found one great friend in here that still actually wants to talk to me on Skype - text only that is. Still amazed, I think it was a fluke! :bigsmile:


Admittedly it's difficult to find anyone you're able to click with from the beginning. Even if a person actively tried messaging and introducing themself to 50 different people here, offline and elsewhere, the chances of finding a chemistry or liking for a person isn't guaranteed. Finding friends can be dumb luck at times. That said, I think some people don't really want friends. Even if they say they do or think they do or believe that they're trying. They put up these series of walls that anyone new has to surmount, one after the other, before they get to anywhere real. Probably a defense mechanism. To confirm that this stranger actually cares. Or because the person is so embarrassed by themself or feels so fragile that they don't want to open themselves up to that vulnerability. Which, if exploited or abused, can be devastating. Hell, even feeling great about a person can hurt because it opens up a bunch of other issues. Still, loneliness is a horrible thing. I always do my best with others to try to reach them if I think they want to be reached, or if I can reach them. Because I know that's what I'd want someone else to do for me. And people have. And it's great when they do. To know someone else actually cares.
 

Argentum

Well-known member
I stopped taking your approach a long time ago, in part because I just got worn out and in part because of the tediousness of investing only to start over. Explaining myself "perfectly" felt like such a chore for so little reward most of the time. I met mostly lukewarm connections that didn't last or bad apples online (I still do) and couldn't justify the trust or effort I was putting into each new person before we'd even gotten to know each other. In the end, I was a lot better off cooling down and finding something else to do.

Eventually a couple of people trickled in over the various spots I hang out, anyway, and I met more similar people through them that I'm regularly playing games with now. There's one of us who literally doesn't speak in chat at all. His wife asks questions and gives answers for him when needed.

I see a lot of people online who'll take literally anything, and it's super-unhealthy. They put a massive amount of faith into anyone who'll so much as speak to them, and take it personally when it doesn't become a deep, lifelong friendship.

As for the poor friends... that's even worse. Over the years I've cut loose a lot of people for everything from trying to force their sexual fantasies to essentially tuning me out to complain about their life on a daily basis. People assimilate what they're around. Put your faith in people who treat you like shit and it's going to start becoming what you think you deserve on some subconscious level (if it isn't already).
 
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