The journal that will never exist
- Thread starter Section_31
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Section_31
Well-known member
Dear followers,
Id like to apologize, but I felt it necessary to delete 95% of my previous posts. Just had a voice and an inner feeling telling me I should. I don't know why exactly but I felt really paranoid and felt it necessary. Im still going to be posting here but im going to be very very vague going forward I think. Now I need to train myself to write outside my normal writing style.
I wish I could explain. I WANT to. But I cant just now. when I can, I will.
I love you all.
Id like to apologize, but I felt it necessary to delete 95% of my previous posts. Just had a voice and an inner feeling telling me I should. I don't know why exactly but I felt really paranoid and felt it necessary. Im still going to be posting here but im going to be very very vague going forward I think. Now I need to train myself to write outside my normal writing style.
I wish I could explain. I WANT to. But I cant just now. when I can, I will.
I love you all.
Section_31
Well-known member
ive decided this year im going to step out of my comfort zone....way out....and attend the annual occupational pagan Christmas tree worship party......for those who cant read between the lines, take Christmas and party out and tell me what you get 
.
im glad to say this last month has been mellow and calm and routine. I had my crazy phase, now its back to normal. Getting used to things now.
I think im beginning to find myself. rediscover who I am.
.im glad to say this last month has been mellow and calm and routine. I had my crazy phase, now its back to normal. Getting used to things now.
I think im beginning to find myself. rediscover who I am.
Section_31
Well-known member
where to begin?.
I took a brief hiatus for a while. I needed to unplug and not feel obligated to connect to anything or update anything or whatever. I took a few weeks to be a hermit, going between work, and home, and x box, and sleep.....and something....someone else we'll call Ami. Not her real name obviously.
I have to say im really happy with how its progressing. This is crazy. Things like this don't happen to guys like me. She has a super crazy busy insane schedule, between working, being a single (yummy!) mummy, shuttling her clingon to various different sporting events, and trying to do uni upgrading at home. And yet despite all that shes made time every week to see me.. that says a lot without a lot needing to be said. We actually re-arranged our lunch breaks so we can meet once a week, rip out of our office and have lunch together at a park halfway between for 45 minutes together before hauling back to work lol....we have some crazy deep chemistry. Weve talked about things, and while were both wanting and hoping things to go somewhere, were also in no rush. No expectations, no pressure. Just enjoy eachother and what we have. It was funny, today she actually surprised me, we always text eachother first thing in the AM and before sleeping, I made an offhand comment about how I was annoyed that I forgot my lunch today. What does she do?. She shows up at my office on my lunch, she'd made me lunch herself and drove it over because she was off today and "just because I could!". Before kissing me quick and heading back home. And of course that sparked a million questions, because shes drop dead gorgeous, and all the other women in the office have been dying to know more about my "mystery girl" because every time I come back from lunch I have a huge smile on my face. So shes gone no longer than 10 minutes before a few friend-girls of mine from account who are on break come in and begin asking me where the heck I met her, how long have we been seeing eachother, ect ect.....it was an amusing few minutes. And I have to say I havnt felt this good in a long time.
Im getting ready for something else. She wants me to possibly meet her little guy around Christmas time. She says him and me think a lot alike and she thinks he'll really like me, so we'll see how this goes!. Im a bit nervous though, meeting a girls parents is super easy compared to meeting her kids! :O.
Im also a bit nervous because shes been talking enthusiastically about introducing me to her friends and family :|. mother of god.....lol. Im rolling with it.....but oi,.....she knows im super shy too, apparently thought that was cute, and playfully said she knows who I really am, and she making it her job to get my confidence up and get me out of my shell....
how did I meet this girl?! this is nuts.
But its also the best thing ive had in such a long time. Just gently outside my comfort zone. And I think that's the path to growth.
I took a brief hiatus for a while. I needed to unplug and not feel obligated to connect to anything or update anything or whatever. I took a few weeks to be a hermit, going between work, and home, and x box, and sleep.....and something....someone else we'll call Ami. Not her real name obviously.
I have to say im really happy with how its progressing. This is crazy. Things like this don't happen to guys like me. She has a super crazy busy insane schedule, between working, being a single (yummy!) mummy, shuttling her clingon to various different sporting events, and trying to do uni upgrading at home. And yet despite all that shes made time every week to see me.. that says a lot without a lot needing to be said. We actually re-arranged our lunch breaks so we can meet once a week, rip out of our office and have lunch together at a park halfway between for 45 minutes together before hauling back to work lol....we have some crazy deep chemistry. Weve talked about things, and while were both wanting and hoping things to go somewhere, were also in no rush. No expectations, no pressure. Just enjoy eachother and what we have. It was funny, today she actually surprised me, we always text eachother first thing in the AM and before sleeping, I made an offhand comment about how I was annoyed that I forgot my lunch today. What does she do?. She shows up at my office on my lunch, she'd made me lunch herself and drove it over because she was off today and "just because I could!". Before kissing me quick and heading back home. And of course that sparked a million questions, because shes drop dead gorgeous, and all the other women in the office have been dying to know more about my "mystery girl" because every time I come back from lunch I have a huge smile on my face. So shes gone no longer than 10 minutes before a few friend-girls of mine from account who are on break come in and begin asking me where the heck I met her, how long have we been seeing eachother, ect ect.....it was an amusing few minutes
. And I have to say I havnt felt this good in a long time.Im getting ready for something else. She wants me to possibly meet her little guy around Christmas time. She says him and me think a lot alike and she thinks he'll really like me, so we'll see how this goes!. Im a bit nervous though, meeting a girls parents is super easy compared to meeting her kids! :O.
Im also a bit nervous because shes been talking enthusiastically about introducing me to her friends and family :|. mother of god.....lol. Im rolling with it.....but oi,.....she knows im super shy too, apparently thought that was cute, and playfully said she knows who I really am, and she making it her job to get my confidence up and get me out of my shell....
how did I meet this girl?! this is nuts.
But its also the best thing ive had in such a long time. Just gently outside my comfort zone. And I think that's the path to growth
.
Section_31
Well-known member
grrrr, nothing is more annoying than when your trying to make a journal post and the damn phone wont stop ringing!!!
nerd rage!
nerd rage!
Section_31
Well-known member
feel really low self worth today....-.- don't have words even. no real reason for it at all.
FML.
I feel like a dismal failure.
FML.
I feel like a dismal failure.
Section_31
Well-known member
damn.........
Section_31
Well-known member
All I can say right now is that im among the living.
emotionally im about as complicated as the aftermath of a hurricane. Nothing is simple anymore. Just so ******* tired.
don't even have words really to put here....dunno why im posting this... I don't understand myself sometimes.
emotionally im about as complicated as the aftermath of a hurricane. Nothing is simple anymore. Just so ******* tired.
don't even have words really to put here....dunno why im posting this... I don't understand myself sometimes.
Section_31
Well-known member
All good things take time. Effort. Work. patience. Humility. Setbacks. Comebacks. Days you don't like so much. And days you feel on top of the world.
Today I made a difference in a life and I feel really good about it.
im hoping it will only escalate from here. Now that an ongoing fight has finally settled for someone.
Wish I could be a little less vague. But I cant.
Summarily put, a huge thing that someone has been fighting for a long time may have finally reached a stalemate, and now they can focus on other areas of their life. Makes me very very happy. They want me there.
Good day today.
Today I made a difference in a life and I feel really good about it
.im hoping it will only escalate from here. Now that an ongoing fight has finally settled for someone.
Wish I could be a little less vague. But I cant.
Summarily put, a huge thing that someone has been fighting for a long time may have finally reached a stalemate, and now they can focus on other areas of their life. Makes me very very happy. They want me there.
Good day today.
Section_31
Well-known member
I had the best day yesterday. And ive just been riding a high since. Was so good to be there with them.
So many more details I want to put here but just cant right now. Soon dear reader, soon. after about 16 weeks, hopefully I can be more open.
So many more details I want to put here but just cant right now. Soon dear reader, soon. after about 16 weeks, hopefully I can be more open.
Section_31
Well-known member
well, last weekend turned out to be....I don't even have the word. Bad? horrible? eye opening? surprising? painful?.
Someone close was in a very near miss car accident. they were very very lucky, minor whiplash and that's all. Their car is a writeoff though. that was super scary event number 1. That whole night too I just had this feeling eating at me that something was wrong.
Then....I found something. Stumbled across it completely by accident. And it kind of turned a huge part of my life for the last 1.5 years upside down, shook it up, and turned it inside out. Something about someone whos been close to me. I felt sick to my stomach, not out of disgust but shock. And hurt. My mind raced and I got no sleep that night. I had to actively control my breathing. And of course I find this out about them right after they've just been in a bad wreck. Great timing.
MikeyC was a good reality anchor through that. Truth be told I don't know I could have gotten through the first few hours of what id found without him. What was it?. I don't know if I should say. That they aren't exactly who they said they were? but very close to it?. It shook my trust pretty deeply. Maybe its karma coming back to me after the last few years. Who knows.
I thought about it the whole night. They must have had a reason. But why after so much time did they not tell me?.
I asked them about it Monday morning. Upfront. I didn't hide about how I found what I found. And I didn't come across as angry, just confused. And honest. And they fessed up immediately, didn't even try to hide it. We had a big emotional conversation. Talked it out. Which honestly wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting things to end. I forgave them, but told them not to confuse kindness with weakness. And I said if theres anything else I should know about, now is the time to tell me. And they swore this was the only thing. I chose to forgive. They had a good reason at the time, and as time went on they simply weren't sure how to tell me. It was a mistake. Ive made several.
That said, and I told them this, its a little harder for me to trust. But im willing to try and rebuild that.
I just hope this goes somewhere and turns out not to be a mistake.
I was supposed to be getting laid off work yesterday. Same for today. That termination letter in my file that im not supposed to know about is still there, dated yesterday. But its been business as usual the last 2 days. I have no idea whats going on. I have an interview lined up for Monday. Im going to go either way. Time to try to make some forward progress in my life, and leave the old one behind.
Im going to give this all time. How much, I don't know. Im counting on my heart to know when to pull the pin, or to stay with it.
But, on another note, when your heart is in conflict, your supposed to treat it as the enemy.
If only it were that simple.
Its hard to tell what the possible truth is. Itd be a little easier to figure out if the possible truth didn't have such a nice set of legs.
Someone close was in a very near miss car accident. they were very very lucky, minor whiplash and that's all. Their car is a writeoff though. that was super scary event number 1. That whole night too I just had this feeling eating at me that something was wrong.
Then....I found something. Stumbled across it completely by accident. And it kind of turned a huge part of my life for the last 1.5 years upside down, shook it up, and turned it inside out. Something about someone whos been close to me. I felt sick to my stomach, not out of disgust but shock. And hurt. My mind raced and I got no sleep that night. I had to actively control my breathing. And of course I find this out about them right after they've just been in a bad wreck. Great timing.
MikeyC was a good reality anchor through that. Truth be told I don't know I could have gotten through the first few hours of what id found without him. What was it?. I don't know if I should say. That they aren't exactly who they said they were? but very close to it?. It shook my trust pretty deeply. Maybe its karma coming back to me after the last few years. Who knows.
I thought about it the whole night. They must have had a reason. But why after so much time did they not tell me?.
I asked them about it Monday morning. Upfront. I didn't hide about how I found what I found. And I didn't come across as angry, just confused. And honest. And they fessed up immediately, didn't even try to hide it. We had a big emotional conversation. Talked it out. Which honestly wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting things to end. I forgave them, but told them not to confuse kindness with weakness. And I said if theres anything else I should know about, now is the time to tell me. And they swore this was the only thing. I chose to forgive. They had a good reason at the time, and as time went on they simply weren't sure how to tell me. It was a mistake. Ive made several.
That said, and I told them this, its a little harder for me to trust. But im willing to try and rebuild that.
I just hope this goes somewhere and turns out not to be a mistake.
I was supposed to be getting laid off work yesterday. Same for today. That termination letter in my file that im not supposed to know about is still there, dated yesterday. But its been business as usual the last 2 days. I have no idea whats going on. I have an interview lined up for Monday. Im going to go either way. Time to try to make some forward progress in my life, and leave the old one behind.
Im going to give this all time. How much, I don't know. Im counting on my heart to know when to pull the pin, or to stay with it.
But, on another note, when your heart is in conflict, your supposed to treat it as the enemy.
If only it were that simple.
Its hard to tell what the possible truth is. Itd be a little easier to figure out if the possible truth didn't have such a nice set of legs.
Section_31
Well-known member
I have to also say im sorry im so vague. But for right now I have to be, to protect myself. If you stay with me, come year end, I promise ill explain and all will make more sense.
Section_31
Well-known member
So I slept last night. And woke up this morning still feeling conflicted.
Gut says one thing. Heart says another.
all the while you've got other real life BS going on you need to deal with too.
The answers will come. I know they will. Right now im just trying to deal with the things I CAN control. Figure everything else out as I go. Jeez, this is what, my third really hard decision in a year?. I must be on a record.
or 4th technically if you count my new job interview coming Monday.
Hopefully ill have my complicated situation figured out soon one way or another. Im so tired of this crap.
Gut says one thing. Heart says another.
all the while you've got other real life BS going on you need to deal with too.
The answers will come. I know they will. Right now im just trying to deal with the things I CAN control. Figure everything else out as I go. Jeez, this is what, my third really hard decision in a year?. I must be on a record.
or 4th technically if you count my new job interview coming Monday.
Hopefully ill have my complicated situation figured out soon one way or another. Im so tired of this crap.
Section_31
Well-known member
Not really sure what to say about how im feeling this morning.
uncertain? Confused? Hurt? Skeptical?.
I suppose it doesn't matter. What happened happened, and still things must be done.
I have two job interviews back to back Monday that I need to prepare for, get a suit. Get myself ready.
Hopefully that'll fill up some time this weekend.
uncertain? Confused? Hurt? Skeptical?.
I suppose it doesn't matter. What happened happened, and still things must be done.
I have two job interviews back to back Monday that I need to prepare for, get a suit. Get myself ready.
Hopefully that'll fill up some time this weekend.
Section_31
Well-known member
do you stay? or do you go?
This is the question ive been wrestling with this last week and a half.
For a wonder I may have fallen into a potentially amazing job opportunity. The professional side of my life seems to be doing quite well despite the coming layoff.
However.
In my personal life, one which must be guarded quite closely for now, I discovered a hidden truth that had been hidden for quite some time. And everything I thought I knew sort of turned itself on its head. Now im just not sure what to believe.
The dust has settled, and life is more or less back to normal. Sort of.
But that seed,, that nagging doubt, that little voice that says to you "are you sure that's all you didn't know about?. How can you know?". And it brings you back to do you stay? or do you go?.
ive given it until the end of the month. If a certain thing happens by then, or doesn't, that'll be my indicator either way.
The buck stops here. I cant keep things going the way they have been. Something will need to give and its not going to be me. Either happen, or don't, but either way im moving forward. With or without it.
This is the question ive been wrestling with this last week and a half.
For a wonder I may have fallen into a potentially amazing job opportunity. The professional side of my life seems to be doing quite well despite the coming layoff.
However.
In my personal life, one which must be guarded quite closely for now, I discovered a hidden truth that had been hidden for quite some time. And everything I thought I knew sort of turned itself on its head. Now im just not sure what to believe.
The dust has settled, and life is more or less back to normal. Sort of.
But that seed,, that nagging doubt, that little voice that says to you "are you sure that's all you didn't know about?. How can you know?". And it brings you back to do you stay? or do you go?.
ive given it until the end of the month. If a certain thing happens by then, or doesn't, that'll be my indicator either way.
The buck stops here. I cant keep things going the way they have been. Something will need to give and its not going to be me. Either happen, or don't, but either way im moving forward. With or without it.
I don't know the situation, obviously but this don't sound good at all. I hope things work out good for you.
Section_31
Well-known member
Today will hopefully be good!. More things on my mind, new job, new life, hopefully good things. hopefully.
Im supposed to be meeting part of the reason for my last post today at lunch just to talk. I miss them. It'll be really good to see them. But at the same time, will it?. Its complicated. Long and drawn out. And I cant explain it all here. At least right now, not until years end. Most other people would have long since gotten out of this, the only reason im here....is I cant say. Sometimes I think im still trying to figure that out.
I hate being so cryptic.
I hope today goes good. I think its going to be a serious talk.
Im supposed to be meeting part of the reason for my last post today at lunch just to talk. I miss them. It'll be really good to see them. But at the same time, will it?. Its complicated. Long and drawn out. And I cant explain it all here. At least right now, not until years end. Most other people would have long since gotten out of this, the only reason im here....is I cant say. Sometimes I think im still trying to figure that out.
I hate being so cryptic.
I hope today goes good. I think its going to be a serious talk.
Section_31
Well-known member
So tired, I cant even sleep
Section_31
Well-known member
So, its with pleasure I say that today has gone extremely well!.
I did the job shadowing I had lined up. There'll be a deep learning curve. That much is sure. But I actually didn't feel any anxiety really. I want to see how I can do at this, maybe this is just the change I need.
At the end, my soon to be boss asked me if I wanted the position. I said absolutely, but with the stipulation that I be allowed to start after im layed off from my current job so I can collect my severance. He was very positive and supportive of that, and said it wouldn't be a problem at all. They want me back in 2 hours for a Skype interview with HIS boss in seattle. Cool!
I admit, this is way outside anything ive done before. But im excited. Ive always let fear of the unknown scare me away from things which may have been opportunities. Not this time. Im actually feeling really good about this. So we'll see where this goes.
Wish me luck!
On another front, this business being somewhat settled, this allows me to turn my attention to another matter I need to figure out of a personal nature. Involving trust, and figuring out if I want to continue with something. And a nice pair of legs.
Time will tell.
I did the job shadowing I had lined up. There'll be a deep learning curve. That much is sure. But I actually didn't feel any anxiety really. I want to see how I can do at this, maybe this is just the change I need.
At the end, my soon to be boss asked me if I wanted the position. I said absolutely, but with the stipulation that I be allowed to start after im layed off from my current job so I can collect my severance. He was very positive and supportive of that, and said it wouldn't be a problem at all. They want me back in 2 hours for a Skype interview with HIS boss in seattle. Cool!
I admit, this is way outside anything ive done before. But im excited. Ive always let fear of the unknown scare me away from things which may have been opportunities. Not this time. Im actually feeling really good about this. So we'll see where this goes
.Wish me luck!
On another front, this business being somewhat settled, this allows me to turn my attention to another matter I need to figure out of a personal nature. Involving trust, and figuring out if I want to continue with something. And a nice pair of legs.
Time will tell.
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Section_31
Well-known member
It seems my life is going to change quite shortly.
Hopefully for the better.
Im a little shocked.
Hopefully for the better.
Im a little shocked.