the last 2 weeks have been busy, very very busy, and very mentally taxing. Ive been learning a lot with my new job. It was hard at first, calling random strangers and inviting them down to my office for interviews. But after 2.5 weeks im getting really good at it. My boss says im way ahead of where my predecessor was at this point and hes happy. Next I start learning the marketing aspect, that is, contacting client companies, lining up job orders, and trying to place our candidates. Once I get good at that I can start making bonuses with my salary.
I wont lie. This is pushing me. Ive had days where I wonder just wtf im doing. Days where inwardly I feel depressed and want to give up. Ive found its much easier to focus on just getting through the day than to think of the big picture. Then I go home, and sleep it off usually, and im ok to go. This is a little scary, and a little stressful, but I want to push myself. And I promised myself I wouldn't let this scare me away, that I wanted to give it a full solid year at least. And im sticking to that.
Despite my nerves, my boss is quite enthusiastic about me and says im doing a great job. Hes a very easy guy to get along with, so that's good. As is everybody else in my office. Its not a competitive, sharky environment at all. In fact quite the opposite. Everybody works together and we try to cross sell our divisions. If I get someone who's looking for a temp or contract position, I forward their info to the temp team. And vice versa. Not what I expected, and that's a pleasant surprise.
A lot to learn. After doing the same thing for 12 years, and suddenly stepping outside of that, and trying to learn a new skill from scratch, its very difficult. But im enjoying the challenge, even if im exhausted at the end of the day. I find my day IS a lot longer. I get home now around 6 pm, go to bed by 9 or 10. Get up for 6. I need at least that much sleep, otherwise its a lot harder.
The one thing I havnt been able to get around is my paruresis. Its a bitch. I cant do my business in the company bathrooms on any floor. I end up just taking little tiny sips of water at my desk all day, enough to keep my mouth wet, and stave off thirst. And hold it until I get home. I hate that, but its the only way ive been able to make it work.
Ive opened up further to my dad about this. He wants to help me find help. Hes really understanding....so much so to the point that when I say I need him to leave and go for a drive so I can use the bathroom, he does so with no questions or odd looks. He feels bad for seeing me go through this. One thing weve discussed is the possibility I may have to be single for the rest of my life. or at least until I can get some proper help and try to get a better handle on this. I say get a better handle because every paruretic ive spoken to says you never really beat it, it gets easier, then worse, then easier. But its an ongoing struggle. Some have families, some don't. Some avoid relationships or jobs because of it. Some even get suicidal. Im nowhere near that at all, not even on the radar. But im just examining everything. Paruresis doesn't define me. its not ME. but like it or not it IS my reality. And I just have to work with it. Maybe one day it'll be behind me, but im honestly not optimistic.
Ill try to keep more on top of the updates. But I find at the end of the day during the week im so bushed I just want to have a hot shower, eat and go to bed. I apologize for that dear reader. But ill try to stay more on top of this.
