The Importance of Feeling Valued.

Newtype

Well-known member
Hey everyone, I rarely make threads but I've been thinking about something lately and thought I should share it.

I wanna discuss the importance of feeling valued when you're fighting SA. I feel like it's something that I've completely ignored and is the reason why I think I've hit a wall in my progression. Often I see people here talk about confidence. I, myself often thought that the reason why I feel depressed sometimes is because my confidence is low. However, I've made a search for threads on feeling valued and there were none. I find it weird, since I think it is much more important than confidence.

I think it is common knowledge among the members of this site that having a lover will not save you from your SA. Personally, I've always told myself that I will not have a girlfriend until I'm fully cured of my SA, but as I learn more, I realize that this might not be possible, because I will always lack that feeling of value through a woman's eyes. Seeing a woman smile because she sees me, or seeing her being happy because I'm there with her and being fully accepted by her, there's incredible value in that if you still have a heart and it's something that I think is important. Without it, I might never feel normal around other people if I haven't lived it once and if I can't feel normal around other people, then I can't beat SA.

It's important to not mix what I just wrote with the first sentence of the previous paragraph. What I'm doing here is simply asking the question: Do you think it is possible to beat SA when you've never felt valued through love, work, friendships, etc..? I think there's only so much you can do on your own. You can gather all the confidence that you want, but if you don't feel valued through a multitude of things, you cannot feel like you're an at equal level with other people and your spirit will always end up being brought down.
 
This is why when people say "just be confident" they may as well be saying "just grow another head". You can't be confident if you have nothing to base it on. It's also why people who say they don't care about what others think are... not being honest (I mean, unless they have narcissistic personality disorder or something). They may not care about what some people think, but acceptance is important to all human beings. It makes you feel good. Makes you feel normal, worthy, purposeful. Being valued and being accepted are not necessarily the same, but chances are good that if you're well-accepted you're also valued. ...I think.

Ahem yes good bit of armchair psychology there as I'm not a psychologist, but it's my two cents :p
 

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
Do you think it is possible to beat SA when you've never felt valued through love, work, friendships, etc..?

Considering that there are lots of people out there without any SA issues who unfortunately do not feel valued, it is in the very least possible to. I don't think it's really like a disease that you can "beat" or be "cured of" but to improve or whatever other people do not have as much power as we give them credit for. Someone valuing you, or liking you, or enjoying your company, or thinking your smart or fun when it comes down to it are things that make us feel good but aren't exactly meaningful assessments.

If someone thinks they're a good person and someone tells them otherwise, why should that change ones view of themself? I guess feeling valued is important, but not as much as feeling other people value you, but feeling you are someone worth valuing. That's something a lot more in your control, and a lot more important in my opinion.
 

JackOfSpades

Well-known member
From the moment we're born we learn a lot about the world and ourselves from watching people react to us. If we touch something we shouldn't, we're scolded and learn not to touch that thing. And that feedback adapts our behavior and idea of what is okay and what isn't and is always developing.

As social phobics, many of us have come to think it's ourselves that aren't okay, based on countless reactions and occurences that have pointed us to that conclusion. I think it is important to be in an enviornment that is accepting and reassuring, and doesn't show us those same patterns we've come to expect to see from people with regards to us.

I think the growth has to come from within, but I think external factors like being valued, being wanted by someone, being thought of as good company are hugely important for allowing that cycle of trepidation and self-effacing to end. It's easier to grow intellectually than emotionally. Sometimes we have to feel first before we can "know".

That's just my opinion.
 

OCDd

Well-known member
I agree completely, if people dont feel valued, it can lead to many other problems like not feeling like they serve a purpose in life and struggling to find hobbies, always feeling like they are a problem or extra work for people, feeling like people dont like them or that somethings wrong with them. It can have a huge impact on people's lives. Anyone reading this, know that yes you are very important and lots of people care about you. :)
 

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
these are very good thoughts. I've gone around in that circle of "I can't have a girlfriend until I am more confident" but " I cant feel more confident until I have a girlfriend " (or at least some kind of relationship..contact) and this thread ties up that side. I agree completely, feeling valued is extremely important. Similar to appreciation and gratefulness, which we all know is so important for happiness when efforts are applied. But being valued is even more important than appreciated, and yet it's not something thought about as often.
 

laure15

Well-known member
I agree. Which is why I want to find a group or community where I can truly fit in and be appreciated for who I am. But at the same time, I don't want to lose my individuality; I don't want group approval for everything that I do.
 

Newtype

Well-known member
I appreciate all your replies, they're really great! Since I was really young, it has always been important to me to be myself and to not let my growth be influenced in any way by other people. I saw "normal" people as puppets who have no self and just do things because society tells them to. I despised such people and decided to be alone. Although living in the margin of society has made me aware of certain things and I'm grateful for it, it did not help with my SA.

It's frustrating to realize that after all this time, you need to mix in with others in order to improve, that you can't do it on your own... At the same time, it's a relief, because I always thought that having to rely on others was a sign of weakness and now I know that it isn't. It's all about how you do it. You need to be careful about who you let into your life because although someone can make you feel valued, the opposite can happen as well.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I appreciate all your replies, they're really great! Since I was really young, it has always been important to me to be myself and to not let my growth be influenced in any way by other people. I saw "normal" people as puppets who have no self and just do things because society tells them to. I despised such people and decided to be alone. Although living in the margin of society has made me aware of certain things and I'm grateful for it, it did not help with my SA.

I was the same too! I thought normal people were just "sheep" who can't think for themselves and have no originality because they do what society tells them to do. They try so hard to fit in. But, I felt so lonely because I have almost nobody to socialize with. I also came off as standoffish and haughty, in a way.

It's frustrating to realize that after all this time, you need to mix in with others in order to improve, that you can't do it on your own... At the same time, it's a relief, because I always thought that having to rely on others was a sign of weakness and now I know that it isn't. It's all about how you do it. You need to be careful about who you let into your life because although someone can make you feel valued, the opposite can happen as well.

There's strength in a group, and I agree that there are some things that you can't do by yourself. For example, it takes a group of people, not one person, to build a house. I agree that you should be careful about who you let into your life. This is why I am very picky when it comes to making friends; I want genuine friends who truly value me for who I am, not someone who backstabs and will betray me one day.
 

JackOfSpades

Well-known member
It's my belief that part of the reason human beings have been so successful as a species is because we ARE social. We have community, we teach each other, we work together, generally speaking. I think its only natural that we still look for those things in the modern and growing world where communities continue expanding, sometimes overwhelmingly so. Because we would never have gotten this far without some amount of connectedness to each other.

edit: I think there are sheep, but I don't think that wanting to be involved is necessarily an indication of that.
 
Last edited:
Top