It's a horrible feeling. Especially when they were the only people you could trust and have in your life. You always thought you could rely on at least one member of your family that you felt comfortable talking to. But that day you've been dreading eventually comes. Your family finally have lost all faith in you and therefore do not respect you in the slightest. You can tell by their subtle gestures and body language. Their tired of your existence pretty much. Why? Well, because they've discovered that your not going to be the high achiever like them and you don't have all the aspects in your life sorted out at this point in time. You once did, but it doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's only about the present. And at your age you should have everything in check. Good job, good social life and a good relationship. But instead, you've lost all your friends, you can't get another gf and you have a mediocre job. Oh and there's the ever so sneaking suspicion that you may not even carry on your families genes and procreate. Oh wouldn't that be the ultimate failure. Not spreading your families genes. I can start to see myself turning into one of those 40 year old loners who just couldn't get things to work. Fuk I hope not. I have basically given up on women at the moment though. And because of my obsolete social life, growing another bond with a female would almost seem laughable. With no friends and no family that you trust you literally have noone but yourself. But who am I really kidding, I've always only had myself. If your family have lost respect in you and only make you feel bad when you see them, there isn't a lot of point seeing them or staying in contact with them. Maybe you should just cut them off like you did with so many of the other people you had in your life....
That moment when your family finally loses all respect in you
- Thread starter 1139
- Start date
BlueDays
1
That is really sad that you have such a judgemental family, 1139 :sad:
It is unfortunate that a person has no control over the family they are born into. It truly is just sometimes a cruel lottery.
There are many more achievements that someone can do in their life, even just within their career, then "pass on the families genes". Is that expectation coming from your family or is that your own for yourself?
I know it is hard for people like us to make friends let alone non-judgemental ones, but hold onto the hope that you can still come across a great friend in your future that may help to ease the pain your family is making you feel.
It is unfortunate that a person has no control over the family they are born into. It truly is just sometimes a cruel lottery.
There are many more achievements that someone can do in their life, even just within their career, then "pass on the families genes". Is that expectation coming from your family or is that your own for yourself?
I know it is hard for people like us to make friends let alone non-judgemental ones, but hold onto the hope that you can still come across a great friend in your future that may help to ease the pain your family is making you feel.
That is really sad that you have such a judgemental family, 1139 :sad:
It is unfortunate that a person has no control over the family they are born into. It truly is just sometimes a cruel lottery.
There are many more achievements that someone can do in their life, even just within their career, then "pass on the families genes". Is that expectation coming from your family or is that your own for yourself?
I know it is hard for people like us to make friends let alone non-judgemental ones, but hold onto the hope that you can still come across a great friend in your future that may help to ease the pain your family is making you feel.
The thing is my family are generally really supportive and nice people. Unfortunately they've just had enough though, I can tell. There are meany families like this though, I am not special, I guess I should feel lucky I even have a family at all. One thing is true though that the only person who won't put you down is yourself. I think that's why I like spending time by myself because I generally find people annoying. They judge and criticize even if it's in a subtle manner. You need to disregard all people's thoughts and feelings of you and just try and be the best person you can be, and if they don't like that then don't be around them. For some reason though I get bad anxiety around my family which is a manifestation of our broken families history and unfortunate circumstances. I can just see it will never be a healthy full functioning family, ever, ever again.... And whenever I come in contact with them I just feel like a sitting duck waiting to cop their subtle bullshit criticisms.
andsorry
Well-known member
Stop focusing on all the negative stuff in your life, you'll only magnify it. Forget the nay sayers. There must be something you did right in life if you've made it this far. My mom gives me the speech about kids, but I just can't and there's nothing wrong with not wanting or having them. I'll give you the same advice I gave my friend about relationships. Stop looking and it will come to you. This also works for lost items around the house.
Your family sounds just like my dad's family. I used to feel a lot of pressure to be successful like my paternal cousins. Get the best grades, major in something practical/useful/lucrative, get a job right out of college with a decent salary, etc. Some of my cousins have obtained other degrees besides a Bachelor's. My dad looked down on my mom's family because almost none of them went to college. He would say they're lazy slackers, good for nothing moochers who are not up for college, etc.
Long story short, I used to have my dad's family's respect but lost almost all of it. My parents told them I was bound for the medical field, but that never happened. It also took me longer than expected to graduate, because I kept moving around and switching majors and schools. I'm sure I was known as the stupid girl or something like that. I was humiliated on several ocassions, and blatantly ignored.
Well, who needs toxic people like them in my life? I'd rather surround myself with positive people who aren't so shallow and who encourage me to do meaningful things.
Long story short, I used to have my dad's family's respect but lost almost all of it. My parents told them I was bound for the medical field, but that never happened. It also took me longer than expected to graduate, because I kept moving around and switching majors and schools. I'm sure I was known as the stupid girl or something like that. I was humiliated on several ocassions, and blatantly ignored.
Well, who needs toxic people like them in my life? I'd rather surround myself with positive people who aren't so shallow and who encourage me to do meaningful things.
theslowesthand
Banned
Although they almost never say anything, i suspect my parents have for many many years now have lost most or all "real" respect for me. Why i suspect this, is due to quite often when sh*te-hits-fan, or even just minor stressful events concerning me are happening, they seem to get REALLY angry/aggressive/"rough" with me (sudden flashes of anger/rage, putting me down, saying really negative/hopeless things to/about me, etc). I never see them treat ANYONE ELSE like this EVER. Either it's my lack of people skills causing this "foul" behaviour towards me, &/or the lack of respect they feel towards me.
They're the only people in my life. Usually they are just emotionally distanced/void, not interested in me or my feelings (only what i'm DOING (or NOT doing)), focussed on their own activities (& they view ME as selfish/self-centred!!). But from time to time they are REALLY TOXIC, and its these times that remind me just how much they have scr*wed my life up (i'd say they are ~50% responsible for this, with society/public at ~25%, and me (& my genes/traits) the remaining ~25%).
They're the only people in my life. Usually they are just emotionally distanced/void, not interested in me or my feelings (only what i'm DOING (or NOT doing)), focussed on their own activities (& they view ME as selfish/self-centred!!). But from time to time they are REALLY TOXIC, and its these times that remind me just how much they have scr*wed my life up (i'd say they are ~50% responsible for this, with society/public at ~25%, and me (& my genes/traits) the remaining ~25%).
Well, at least you have a job. That's more than many people can say.
If the family is discontent with your life choices, that's their problem. You can look at childfree forums for what to say about not having kids if you don't want to have them, and for some support about that. It's a legitimate life choice. Or, you could just say, 'Give me a good mommy for the kids!' And that may shush them up too. Or provide some matchmaking, yikes. lol (My parents still want grandkids too, but they eased up a bit!)
As for people in their 40's who don't have it all figured out - as the song Sunscreen says, these are some of the most interesting people sometimes.
Maybe it's time to realign your own views and expectations, and look at things differently?
Single older people can have fun too, can join a mountaineering club and go hiking etc.
It's nice to have family support and admiration, otherwise it's good to find other people to provide some support - can you try finding at least online friends that accept you as you are and like you for who you are?
If the family is discontent with your life choices, that's their problem. You can look at childfree forums for what to say about not having kids if you don't want to have them, and for some support about that. It's a legitimate life choice. Or, you could just say, 'Give me a good mommy for the kids!' And that may shush them up too. Or provide some matchmaking, yikes. lol (My parents still want grandkids too, but they eased up a bit!)
As for people in their 40's who don't have it all figured out - as the song Sunscreen says, these are some of the most interesting people sometimes.
Maybe it's time to realign your own views and expectations, and look at things differently?
Single older people can have fun too, can join a mountaineering club and go hiking etc.
It's nice to have family support and admiration, otherwise it's good to find other people to provide some support - can you try finding at least online friends that accept you as you are and like you for who you are?
Richey
Well-known member
I recommend you to check out the audiobook or the video documentary called "status anxiety" ...it really puts life into perspective.
Essentially, there are rich people who are unhappy and want the simple life with a basic job. There are people married who want to be single. People with mortgages who wish they could rent and be free.
A lot of the feedback you get is probably clichéd, egotistical responses, not very down to earth.
If you go and see a councillor/therapist, you will notice they generally have no ego in the sense that they listen and are understanding, they merely discuss your concerns.
So a family reaction to you is likely going to be more hierarchal and based on ego, competition etc. not necessarily helpful.
generally, mild mannered, nice people are going to be the ones who will accept you. A lot of our society is dosed up on competition and status or being successful in very narrow eyes of what success is. So much opinion seems to be blinded by money, status, ego, that it's almost funny to even take it seriously.
arrogant, egotistical, competitive people are frankly everywhere, because our society is obsessed with hierarchal success, such as winning sports, earning more money and climbing the corporate ladders etc. which usually ties into inflated ego, some of it is skill as well. But usually not.
There is just a lot of inequality going on. Unfortunately. Winner vs Loser mentality is just very harsh.
Philosophy can really help to curb the pain in dealing with problems and challenges.
There is this saying, before diagnosing yourself with depression, first check to see if you're not simply surrounded by a-holes. You could be the nicest person in the world, but if you are living or working around toxic personalities you may have a false self image that you are the one with the problem. You may indeed have issues yourself to improve upon. But the reason why you are quiet for instance may be because you are spending a lot of time around egotistical, intimidating people.
Now if you read the book "How to win Friends and Influence People". It clearly shows that being egotistical and intimidating is not a good way of winning friends or improving relationships on any level, and this is obvious to me after ten years of working. The motto for improving morale seems to be "Only point out a persons weaknesses", "Never their strengths", oh...and make sure you come across as arrogant whilst pointing them out. So the emphasis is based on using fear to yield short term results. But who wants to hang around for a long time in that sort of environment?? Well this seems to be how management operate.
The world is essentially madness. A lot of things don't make a lot of sense. It is a world made for a-holes.
Essentially, there are rich people who are unhappy and want the simple life with a basic job. There are people married who want to be single. People with mortgages who wish they could rent and be free.
A lot of the feedback you get is probably clichéd, egotistical responses, not very down to earth.
If you go and see a councillor/therapist, you will notice they generally have no ego in the sense that they listen and are understanding, they merely discuss your concerns.
So a family reaction to you is likely going to be more hierarchal and based on ego, competition etc. not necessarily helpful.
generally, mild mannered, nice people are going to be the ones who will accept you. A lot of our society is dosed up on competition and status or being successful in very narrow eyes of what success is. So much opinion seems to be blinded by money, status, ego, that it's almost funny to even take it seriously.
arrogant, egotistical, competitive people are frankly everywhere, because our society is obsessed with hierarchal success, such as winning sports, earning more money and climbing the corporate ladders etc. which usually ties into inflated ego, some of it is skill as well. But usually not.
There is just a lot of inequality going on. Unfortunately. Winner vs Loser mentality is just very harsh.
Philosophy can really help to curb the pain in dealing with problems and challenges.
There is this saying, before diagnosing yourself with depression, first check to see if you're not simply surrounded by a-holes. You could be the nicest person in the world, but if you are living or working around toxic personalities you may have a false self image that you are the one with the problem. You may indeed have issues yourself to improve upon. But the reason why you are quiet for instance may be because you are spending a lot of time around egotistical, intimidating people.
Now if you read the book "How to win Friends and Influence People". It clearly shows that being egotistical and intimidating is not a good way of winning friends or improving relationships on any level, and this is obvious to me after ten years of working. The motto for improving morale seems to be "Only point out a persons weaknesses", "Never their strengths", oh...and make sure you come across as arrogant whilst pointing them out. So the emphasis is based on using fear to yield short term results. But who wants to hang around for a long time in that sort of environment?? Well this seems to be how management operate.
The world is essentially madness. A lot of things don't make a lot of sense. It is a world made for a-holes.
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Richey
Well-known member
Also, yes it's a horrible feeling, but you can literally change your life around to what you want.
Think of the concept of a poor person with all sorts of problems who suddenly wins the lottery and thus everything suddenly changes for them.
Life can be very dynamic. Having a fixed view of yourself doesn't seem to make sense when you consider how dynamic it is.
You could choose to study a course in 6 months or self teach some new hobbies which creates a whole new life for yourself. Its just giving yourself that opportunity to say "Yes, I can do this, it's my life, i'll start doing it today".
Its having that belief that you can indeed change things.
Think of the concept of a poor person with all sorts of problems who suddenly wins the lottery and thus everything suddenly changes for them.
Life can be very dynamic. Having a fixed view of yourself doesn't seem to make sense when you consider how dynamic it is.
You could choose to study a course in 6 months or self teach some new hobbies which creates a whole new life for yourself. Its just giving yourself that opportunity to say "Yes, I can do this, it's my life, i'll start doing it today".
Its having that belief that you can indeed change things.
theslowesthand
Banned
Very well put :thumbup:
This can apply to life in general. Even when all seem lost & totally hopeless, even then there still is hope, but you just can't see it in one's current "low" state.
My life has always been VERY VERY "static" (i guess due to change scaring/upsetting me too much). And so i have always had a very fixed view of myself, what i can & can't do in this world, what the "glass ceiling" is for me, etc.
I need to try somehow to take onboard the belief of "I can change things". How, i am not sure. I do know that beliefs are one of the most important things for any person. The trick is to get to a point where one can identify & change all those dysfuntional beliefs... :thinking: