Solve rejection problem - brainstorming

[sphynx]

I believe that the only thing stopping me from getting dates is the fear of rejection. The poll on this forum shows that this is by far the most common situation (http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/poll-why-dont-you-ask-him-her-out-59514/).

So, what can we do about rejection?
What have you tried? What would you try? What would you suggest for others to try?
Books, courses, therapies, medications, tricks, gadgets, websites, apps (there's got to be an app for everything now, right), and so on?

Any suggestion is welcome, even an impossible one (or especially an impossible one). To put it another way - if you had a magic wand that could do anything, how would you solve this particular problem? Trust me - it's not as silly as it sounds.

Here, I'll start: I want to be a mind reader (alternatively, have the ability to predict the future) so I would know her answer without asking, and go forward only if that answer is yes. No, I'm not crazy - that's how brainstorming works

Your turn:

 

[outofthisworld]

have you seen that post about guys without jobs getting girls, well mainly because people dont care, so of we pretend we dont care it should work too. the thing is just to do it, think all the times you missed out and regret not talking to that girl, then think of that time you said next time will be different i will just go for it no matter what. that is what i did last week and its working, it might work for u too

 

[sphynx]

have you seen that post about guys without jobs getting girls, well mainly because people dont care, so of we pretend we dont care it should work too. the thing is just to do it, think all the times you missed out and regret not talking to that girl, then think of that time you said next time will be different i will just go for it no matter what. that is what i did last week and its working, it might work for u too

Of course I can do it if I REALLY want to (or have to), but it doesn't solve the problem of rejection fallout - feeling like crap for days or weeks, suffer public embarrassment or humiliation, etc. Yes, I know these fears are probably irrational, and I know that in theory I can will myself out of it, but in practice it doesn't really work for me.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I think the first step is to increase your self-esteem and see yourself as someone who has something of value to add into any potential relationship. (Maybe make a full list of things you have to offer in a relationship?).And don't say'nothing'. Everyone has something good about them,saying otherwise is just an ego-trip.

This will make rejection easier to handle because you'll realise that its really their loss and it has nothing to do with you. Think about it - if you give someone $100 000 and they reject it, do you start to think there is something wrong with the money? No!

Start to see every relationship as too important people getting into a mutually beneficial situation and rejection will stop being a major issue.

I hope that helps!




.

 

[OceanMist]

There really isn't a safe, easy solution to this. The solution is simple, but unfortunately it's something very hard to do and something most guys refuse to do because it's tough to deal with: Go out and get rejected.

What I was doing was approaching girls I don't know and trying to get their phone number. This was a fantastic exercise for getting over approach anxiety and rejection.

Changing your mindset is all good and everything but any advice that isn't going out and talking to people is actually bad because it's just going to stop you from going out and talking to people.

A starting place for a lot of you guys can be as simple as saying hi to girls who walk by you. It's a great warm up. Or you could even just try making eye contact as women walk by....even that can help.

 

[Luckylife]

I have a close friend who I am seriously tempted by and I have realized that I must speak to her about a date... but its not that easy. When I am with her I find her so beautiful that I don't want to talk and that words form in my mind but I don't have the strength to utter them - it is quite overpowering. I can only wait until the next time I see her, when an escalation is likely. In a way I am worried about being rejected but I know if I was then the next time I saw her I would forget about that and take up with her as if nothing had happened. In a kind of childish unaccepting way. What I mean is that physical attraction is a very important factor, if you are getting to know women with a method or sequence and the only reason for this is because 'you think you should' then watch out. One of the reasons I will not approach someone is that beforehand I will try to envisage what it will be like if we do chat and so on. If I can't imagine this it is a serious brake because time and again, this has proven reliable.
I suppose the point I'm trying to make, is that if I have a fear of rejection I will not attempt to initiate any conversation and that fear can manifest itself after a few minutes of observation. Instead of trying to overcome it I go along with it and agree that rejection is very likely. When I feel happy about them and look forward to meeting them it stands to reason (my reasoning at least) that rejection of intimacy is less likely.

 

[Bronson99]

There really isn't a safe, easy solution to this. The solution is simple, but unfortunately it's something very hard to do and something most guys refuse to do because it's tough to deal with: Go out and get rejected.

What I was doing was approaching girls I don't know and trying to get their phone number. This was a fantastic exercise for getting over approach anxiety and rejection.

Changing your mindset is all good and everything but any advice that isn't going out and talking to people is actually bad because it's just going to stop you from going out and talking to people.

A starting place for a lot of you guys can be as simple as saying hi to girls who walk by you. It's a great warm up. Or you could even just try making eye contact as women walk by....even that can help.

Has it borne any fruit for you yet, though?

The other question: has it ever occurred that you might see these women again or gain some sort of bad reputation from it? This is a common blockade for me, but anyone who doesn't have social anxiety tells me it is nonsense, irrational, etc.

And of course, for the many times they'll be unwilling to talk to you, or showing signs of disinterest, how do you let it slide off your back so it doesn't harm your confidence? That's really the biggest issue for me, to be honest. The other one is there too, but it's secondary.

 

[Bronson99]

- Rejection is part of life
- People are designed different. Not everybody is supposed to like you or be mutually attracted to you
- You are going to get rejected for all your life but guess what? Everybody does.
- I approach 15 women, I can rejected by 14 but with 1 it will be on. We will like each other and have awesome time.
- You can prepare a business plan and 20 will reject until 1 will like it and accept it.

- When you are talking to a girl, don't come from a value leaching frame. Approach her like you have value to share. She can either take it or leave it. Fine with both. If she doesn't accept it, there are many other who will.

- THE BEST WAY TO GET RID OF FEAR OF REJECTION IS TO GET REJECTED A LOT OF TIMES UP TO THE POINT THAT YOU DON'T EVEN CARE.

Aye, it's easy for you to suggest this if you have a lot going for you, live on your own, have a decent job, look good, etc etc... Many guys don't have these things and thus they don't even try, because they know there's only rejection waiting for them.

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I think the first step is to increase your self-esteem and see yourself as someone who has something of value to add into any potential relationship.

A list sounds like a bit of fun
1.) I think I'm a pretty easy going guy, nobody wants to be in a relationship full of arguing
2.) Semi artistic, I love to draw and record music
3.) I never get the chance but I like to travel
4.) Good sense of humor, although perhaps a bit dark, but I also love bad puns
5.) Low self confidence but people seem to think I'm pretty smart
6.) Not too bad with tech, not great but not too bad with general house.car repairs
7.) I'm not too ugly

Downsides:
1.) I live with my dad
2.) Not financially stable (but in college so there's some leeway)
3.) Not experienced with relationships
4.) Not a lot of self confidence
5.) I dress very casually and usually wear older clothes simply cause they are more comforatable, it can look pretty shabby

 

[R3K]

it's really base and derogatory, but... you have to think of women as objects. or targets on a shooting range. if you shoot and miss, just pick a new target and shoot for that one, then the next, and the next, et cetera..

eventually your aim will get better, and you'll get a hit.

 

[MotherWolff]

I believe that the only thing stopping me from getting dates is the fear of rejection. The poll on this forum shows that this is by far the most common situation (http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/poll-why-dont-you-ask-him-her-out-59514/).

So, what can we do about rejection?
What have you tried? What would you try? What would you suggest for others to try?
Books, courses, therapies, medications, tricks, gadgets, websites, apps (there's got to be an app for everything now, right), and so on?

Any suggestion is welcome, even an impossible one (or especially an impossible one). To put it another way - if you had a magic wand that could do anything, how would you solve this particular problem? Trust me - it's not as silly as it sounds.

Here, I'll start: I want to be a mind reader (alternatively, have the ability to predict the future) so I would know her answer without asking, and go forward only if that answer is yes. No, I'm not crazy - that's how brainstorming works

Your turn:

I recommend two books;

Telling Yourself The Truth by William Backus and Marie Chapin.

You Are What You Think by David Stoop

 

[OceanMist]

Has it borne any fruit for you yet, though?

The other question: has it ever occurred that you might see these women again or gain some sort of bad reputation from it? This is a common blockade for me, but anyone who doesn't have social anxiety tells me it is nonsense, irrational, etc.

And of course, for the many times they'll be unwilling to talk to you, or showing signs of disinterest, how do you let it slide off your back so it doesn't harm your confidence? That's really the biggest issue for me, to be honest. The other one is there too, but it's secondary.

Cold approach (approaching women I don't know) has been a wild experience. If you are wondering if I've slept with women by cold approaching, no I have not. But I've had some great interactions, and when I was doing it, it was helping my confidence and I felt like I was getting closer to possibly getting a g/f that I want.

I stopped because my foot is injured and cold approach requires a lot of walking which is something that is too painful for my foot.

I actually did see some of the women again around town. Am I worried about seeing them again? No, not really. In fact, there I times I hope i see these girls again because I know there is a chance that they may want to talk the next time they see me and maybe I wind up hanging out with them or they could refer me to one of their friends.

Trust me, nothing could be worse than the reputation I have had throughout my life....the quiet guy who doesn't talk to most people. I'd rather be seen as the aggressive guy who is constantly trying to talk to every girl while getting rejected.

As for dealing with rejection, often times I would just laugh it off. It's just part of the game. I just see rejection as the girl saying I'm not her type or often times rejection just means she isn't interested in a guy she doesn't know.

The main thing a guy must understand is most people won't like you, hence, most women won't like you. That's cool, though, because I believe when that one girl loves you, it's all worth it. That's a great way to deal with rejection, knowing that one girl really likes you, and trying to find her.

Another way to deal with rejection, is being in the moment. Don't think about past or future. Refer to Eckhart Tolle. After being rejected, erase it and focus on the next approach. It really only takes 4 seconds or so to recover from a harsh rejection.

Watch Johnny Berba's videos, you'll see what I mean.

 

[Nazim]

A list sounds like a bit of fun
1.) I think I'm a pretty easy going guy, nobody wants to be in a relationship full of arguing
2.) Semi artistic, I love to draw and record music
3.) I never get the chance but I like to travel
4.) Good sense of humor, although perhaps a bit dark, but I also love bad puns
5.) Low self confidence but people seem to think I'm pretty smart
6.) Not too bad with tech, not great but not too bad with general house.car repairs
7.) I'm not too ugly

Downsides:
1.) I live with my dad
2.) Not financially stable (but in college so there's some leeway)
3.) Not experienced with relationships
4.) Not a lot of self confidence
5.) I dress very casually and usually wear older clothes simply cause they are more comforatable, it can look pretty shabby

Being not good looking doesn't mean you can't engage in a relationship...

Out of all downsides the only legit one is the one about "self-confidence and lack of it", the rest are just excuses.

You don't need to wear Armani or be rich to start dating women (men).
Look deeper and start actually initiating conversations with the opposite sex.

 

[RegalSin]

Don't care. Just try and try again. Somethings I have to correct and remember for society. Like last night I just got a big hit on BO. I was dancing up and down, till the point somebody decided to spray axe on me. It was an beautiful night. Otherwise you should just try again.

I don't care anymore. I just keep on trying and trying. Caring is where the problems start.

 

[Bronson99]

Trust me, nothing could be worse than the reputation I have had throughout my life....the quiet guy who doesn't talk to most people. I'd rather be seen as the aggressive guy who is constantly trying to talk to every girl while getting rejected.

If you keep yourself out of the way, you don't have to worry about a reputation, usually--that's how I see it anyway. And nothing wrong with being a quiet shy guy who tends to avoid people.. well, except for the fact that you won't improve social skills much (of course, this is a big problem.)

But quiet shy guys don't gain bad reputations. They don't get to be seen as that "creepy awkward guy" who talks to random women, and such. They're spared the pain of embarrassment and/or rejection. They can hold onto their image of having value to women, without getting it constantly challenged.

I think they have it far better than you think they do.

Approaching women is the domain of socially-oriented, confident guys. When a shy and awkward guy does it, it can be perceived as creepy, and you can gain a reputation you can't get rid of.

That said, I'm not saying your way is wrong, as you certainly do seem intent on improving your skill here. I'm just pointing out that there's a high risk in doing that, and this is what's keeping me (and many other guys) from approaching women.

 

[Nazim]

If you keep yourself out of the way, you don't have to worry about a reputation, usually--that's how I see it anyway. And nothing wrong with being a quiet shy guy who tends to avoid people.. well, except for the fact that you won't improve social skills much (of course, this is a big problem.)

But quiet shy guys don't gain bad reputations. They don't get to be seen as that "creepy awkward guy" who talks to random women, and such. They're spared the pain of embarrassment and/or rejection. They can hold onto their image of having value to women, without getting it constantly challenged.

I think they have it far better than you think they do.

Approaching women is the domain of socially-oriented, confident guys. When a shy and awkward guy does it, it can be perceived as creepy, and you can gain a reputation you can't get rid of.

That said, I'm not saying your way is wrong, as you certainly do seem intent on improving your skill here. I'm just pointing out that there's a high risk in doing that, and this is what's keeping me (and many other guys) from approaching women.

You forgot to mention that shy guy can become that confident guy with enough practice and consistency. And in case you don't think it's possible, please don't discourage the others.

I used to be that shy guy of the class, now I can approach a random girl I liked and just maintain a nice conversation.

In fact, most of the confident guys have been the complete opposite until they have decided to change.
You are not just born confident. It is a skill of trusting your instincts and that trust you deserve through consistent practices and leaving your comfort zone

 

[MotherWolff]

The simple answer with what to do about rejection, is to just accept it.

There is no reason to analyze it any further than that.

That will make someone go insane.

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

Being not good looking doesn't mean you can't engage in a relationship...

Out of all downsides the only legit one is the one about "self-confidence and lack of it", the rest are just excuses.

You don't need to wear Armani or be rich to start dating women (men).
Look deeper and start actually initiating conversations with the opposite sex.

I just want to say before my full post that I'm not trying to sound argumentative or anything.

I only considered living with my dad as a downside due to my age (30), I am going through college now so I am trying to remedy the situation.
About the clothes, I honestly believe stores and clothing companies are labeling smaller clothes as larger sizes in order to make people lose weight. Let's say I wore a 2X shirt for many years but now, even after losing weight, 2X seems to be too big (or they shrink to easily).
I don't know how attractive I am to other people, I put in "I'm not too ugly" as a joke honestly, and now that I see it again it's making me laugh. I actually got a complement on my beard the other day. It probably may not look like it but I was in a pretty good mood while writing the list.

 

[Nazim]

I just want to say before my full post that I'm not trying to sound argumentative or anything.

I only considered living with my dad as a downside due to my age (30), I am going through college now so I am trying to remedy the situation.
About the clothes, I honestly believe stores and clothing companies are labeling smaller clothes as larger sizes in order to make people lose weight. Let's say I wore a 2X shirt for many years but now, even after losing weight, 2X seems to be too big (or they shrink to easily).
I don't know how attractive I am to other people, I put in "I'm not too ugly" as a joke honestly, and now that I see it again it's making me laugh. I actually got a complement on my beard the other day. It probably may not look like it but I was in a pretty good mood while writing the list.

How do people even know what is beautiful and what is "ugly"?
That's right, magazines and mass media.

If you are going to keep beating yourself up like that, nothing will change. Why would you even need anyone tell you that you pretty?
You are a man and men don't need to be "pretty" or get complicated on their beard in order to feel better.

Stop giving so much importance to what other people say and what societal norms are preaching...

Btw, just recorded a new video, check it out :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMEsRi0jPFA

 

[RegalSin]

Be friends get along. As time goes by the women you commit with are the ones that will like you. However the women from your youth are the ones that will enjoy life with. Men and women are alike each other. Only difference is that they have biological clocks to worry about. So if your a man just stay fit and be yourself. PREPAIR YOURSELF HIGHLANDER ( I love saying that ). Then again a woman from your past that you do admire is waiting for you. You could always move forward or go backwards. Either-way it is the same stream.

Did you know that original prostitutes were the equal of most educated women today? Did you know the white slavery of roman times is the same as the self-serviant woman of the 1980's and 1990's. Most women today are self-servient and have no children and are young. Waiting for to merge with them. Washing her clothing for her while she is at work could be romantic. It is an reversed world where a man could be in his girlfriends apartment until he either puts out or get out.

We take for granted the bounty that our elders have given us.

Imagine that man who decided to become an brain surgeon who being fed sex from his gal-pal. She help support him to being self-self income and in exchange she is able to have companionship.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Chances are you being rejected because the kind of women. In my case many of the women of my mother nation are a bunch of gold-diggers trying to plant their eggs. However when they are younger they are more open but as time passes by only few of them actually understands a new meaning of expiration date. Some women wants an imaginary image of man while we want the same thing. Only difference is that we can achieve this as well and age like wine and be stainless like platinum.

Just get along and be yourself.