Social skills: Yourself and others

[Capsaicin]

There are a lot of blogs and articles about there about improving your social skills, and I've read quite a few. I like this one better than most because it goes into a little more depth and is, I think, easier to put into practice and test out.

Dale Carnegie’s Top 10 Tips for Improving Your Social Skills

Numbers 3, 4, and 5 have made my job much easier, and I imagine it would be stupidly easy if I wasn't anxious at all. They play into what I've had a creeping suspicion about for quite some time, which is that being interesting, intelligent, cool, etc, matters next to nothing compared to being stimulating and making the other person feel good.

4. What is most important?

“The royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most.”

Classic advice. Don’t talk too much about yourself and your life. Listen to other people instead. However, if they ramble on and on, if they don’t reciprocate and show and interest in your life then you don’t have to stay.

Some things people may treasure the most include ideas, children, a special hobby and the job. And…

5. Focus outward, not inward.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

A lot of people use the second, far less effective way. It is appealing because it’s about instant gratification and about ME, ME, ME! The first way – to become interested in people – perhaps works better because it make you a pleasant exception and because the law of reciprocity is strong in people. As you treat people, they will treat you. Be interested in them and they will be interested in you.

I would like to add that one hard thing about this can be to be genuinely interested in the other guy/gal. Your genuine interest is projected though your body language and tonality. So, just waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can talk again isn’t really genuine interest. And that may shine through. And so your interactions will suffer.

 

[mismeek]

I think alot of people need to read this! This should be a permanent list on the site!

 

[ukmale]

This is bullshit never will help me sadly my problem can never be fixed but hey most people need some goals and steps like set yours goals

You have to learn to love yourself
Say yes more to trying new things
Hold head up high
Try going out more start with a small walk
Try clubs and groups
Stay out of ur safe zone for along as you can
Make it your goal to talk to any random person once a day
Bin all your distracting stuff laptops ect get out more even if you go say weight loss club anything

But hey whatever works but nothing well work for me

 

[mismeek]

This is bullshit never will help me sadly my problem can never be fixed but hey most people need some goals and steps like set yours goals

You have to learn to love yourself
Say yes more to trying new things
Hold head up high
Try going out more start with a small walk
Try clubs and groups
Stay out of ur safe zone for along as you can
Make it your goal to talk to any random person once a day
Bin all your distracting stuff laptops ect get out more even if you go say weight loss club anything

But hey whatever works but nothing well work for me

You'll never find anything that works with that attitude. True fact. :thumbdown:

 

[Quietguy11]

You pretty much are what you think and believe. But thoughts aren't always the culprit with why we are the way we are, a lot of it has to do with the chemical make up of our brains. Like if there's an imbalance of any kind or too much toxins in the brain then it's going to make it harder to function cognitively. I'm somewhat of a sucker for punishment. I keep putting myself out there expecting that it's somehow going to get easier, which it does in away, but there's so much more work that needs to be done!

 

[Kiwong]

I try to create things I enjoy, if any else likes it that's a bonus.

 

[bsammy]

i actually somewhat disagree with what OP posted, sure social skills are great and all but you will find out if you listen to this guy advice, and ask questions instead of talk about yourelf, u will find others will monopolize the conversations...if you pretend you are interested in someone they usually go above and beyond what is necessary and they will give you their life story and expect it in every conversation..i learned social skills and i used to pretend to be interested in others but it gets to the point where i wonder if the real social people have good social skills as all they want to do is talk about themselves..i dunno i quickly find myself day-dreaming in conversations as people tend to ramble..

 

[Anxy]

1. Create your own emotions.

“If you want to be enthusiastic, act enthusiastic.”

Emotions work backwards too. You can use that to your advantage. If you are stuck in a negative emotion then you can often shake it off. Change your body – how you move, sit and stand – and act as you would like to feel. Enthusiasm and other positive emotions are much more useful and pleasurable for everyone in an interaction.

So, we should basically fake ourselves? Sure!

4. What is most important?

Don’t talk too much about yourself and your life. Listen to other people instead. However, if they ramble on and on, if they don’t reciprocate and show and interest in your life then you don’t have to stay.

Oh, so I am supposed to sit there quietly, only praising others and talking about them, but nothing about me, just replying ''yes'' or ''no'' when they ask about me? Right, that totally works!

6. Take control of your emotions.

Alrighty then, faking ourselves part 2!

“Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.”

Oh, so I should do the things they like, even if I don't like them?

“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”

When possible, just avoiding unnecessary arguments is a win-win situation.

Sure, because the other person is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS right. Even if the facts are different.

--

Alright, that is my opinion, but I do hate this blog entry. Maybe my way of thinking is 'wrong', and I'm oh-so-knowing-everything teenager, but damn, this article is so unhelpful and depressing! I think that's not how the world works. I won't be happy if I only care about others and forget about me. I was teached to care about myself, and believe more, but now... wow, totally different view. Alright, if the person who wrote this wants to live like that - whatever, I just don't get it how you can be happy by not seeing yourself in all this.

 

[Capsaicin]

^ If you deliberately overemphasize the points, it's very hard to put it to use.

i actually somewhat disagree with what OP posted, sure social skills are great and all but you will find out if you listen to this guy advice, and ask questions instead of talk about yourelf, u will find others will monopolize the conversations...if you pretend you are interested in someone they usually go above and beyond what is necessary and they will give you their life story and expect it in every conversation..i learned social skills and i used to pretend to be interested in others but it gets to the point where i wonder if the real social people have good social skills as all they want to do is talk about themselves..i dunno i quickly find myself day-dreaming in conversations as people tend to ramble..

That's when you find an exit.

 

[Raichel]

Great post, bookmarking this.

1. Create your own emotions.

“If you want to be enthusiastic, act enthusiastic.”

Emotions work backwards too. You can use that to your advantage. If you are stuck in a negative emotion then you can often shake it off. Change your body – how you move, sit and stand – and act as you would like to feel. Enthusiasm and other positive emotions are much more useful and pleasurable for everyone in an interaction.

^ Also, fake until you make it DOES work. I was very dismissive and skeptical when my psychologist first suggested to me I should act as if I were confident and outgoing. But when I gave it a good honest try, I noticed people responded differently to me. They seemed to be me more interested in what I had to say and that in turn actually MADE me feel more confident. I guess it works the same with emotions.

 

[Anxy]

^ If you deliberately overemphasize the points, it's very hard to put it to use.

Probably. Would you care to show me your interpretation of what the author wrote perhaps?

 

[bsammy]

'fake it til you make it'

again i have tried this and it works but only for a very short time..if you truly are not outgoing or 'fun' people will eventually find that out so whats the point of faking it until you make it?you are who you are, self-aceptance is key if you truly want others to like you, i think..lol..

Anxy i agree, so many things in this article just i dont agree with, at all..i have used many of these things and often they backfire..

 

[Capsaicin]

Probably. Would you care to show me your interpretation of what the author wrote perhaps?

Well, as an example...

4. What is most important?

Don’t talk too much about yourself and your life. Listen to other people instead. However, if they ramble on and on, if they don’t reciprocate and show and interest in your life then you don’t have to stay.

Oh, so I am supposed to sit there quietly, only praising others and talking about them, but nothing about me, just replying ''yes'' or ''no'' when they ask about me? Right, that totally works!

They're not meant to be taken in a black-and-white way. It just means to turn the conversation to things they might be interested in, and use that to build up a conversation instead of starting off with your opinions and focusing on giving them your thoughts. It's "What are you having for dinner tonight" and commenting on that against "So I saw a movie this weekend, it was really such-and-such".

I watch my boss do it every day, and she's even used the dinner example. It works on almost everyone and very few people go off on tangents about themselves. I've used it to get people who don't speak English well enough to remember the difference between "fascinate" and "faster" talking, it's just less effective with me overall because I'm inexperienced and nervous.

 

[Anxy]

They're not meant to be taken in a black-and-white way.

So I think they should state things clearly, because there are people without a brain, just like me. No, but seriously I think the article could be more clear.

It just means to turn the conversation to things they might be interested in, and use that to build up a conversation instead of starting off with your opinions and focusing on giving them your thoughts. It's "What are you having for dinner tonight" and commenting on that against "So I saw a movie this weekend, it was really such-and-such".

And that actually sounds a lot better.

I watch my boss do it every day, and she's even used the dinner example. It works on almost everyone and very few people go off on tangents about themselves. I've used it to get people who don't speak English well enough to remember the difference between "fascinate" and "faster" talking, it's just less effective with me overall because I'm inexperienced and nervous.

Of course I never meant just talking about ourselves, because I'm pretty sure people will lost interest quickly Just saying that IMO we shouldn't focus only on the other person~

 

[Scandic123]

Some of this advice is quite bad actually, but I know a few websites that might be helpful: shynesssocialanxiety.com and peopleskillsdecoded.com are very useful and they don't just use unhelpful advice such as "just be yourself" or "what's the worst thing that can happen?" I really think you people should check out these websites.

 

[Odo]

I don't think this is necessarily intended for people with anxiety. You can be super outgoing and have poor social skills, or be super shy but know how to not come off as a ****.

I'm always hyper-aware of everything and the problem isn't that I don't get what I'm not supposed to do, it's that I have an irrational fear of things beyond my control.

Piling more rules and demands and restrictions and plans on top of the worries all is just going to make things worse... I'll seriously end up paralyzed or something if I worry about all of this shit all the time.