I recently made an appointment for a physical. It's been two years and I've been putting it off because I'm a procrastinator and that's what I do. But I got a medical form in the mail for my driver's license that I need a doctor to fill out by the end of the year so it couldn't wait any longer.
I really should bring up depression and anxiety but I'm dreading that and I'm not quite sure how to go about it. I considered it the last time I went but decided not to. At that time I had figured out I was depressed but didn't really know much about the anxiety yet. I didn't want help at that point. I kind of do now, but not entirely. I mostly want help with depression. I'm just so sick of having no energy and no motivation to do anything. I get sad off and on and it's kinda random sometimes. I just sit around and mope. But then sometimes I'm fine. I don't even mind the sadness so much. It's the lack of energy that's getting to me. I can't get anything done and then I feel guilty for being so damn unproductive. I just feel useless and I can't move forward in life.
I don't even think I want to mention the possibility of social anxiety or OCD or personality disorders at all. But anxiety symptoms can be part of depression, even without a full blown anxiety disorder. I get anxious at random sometimes. Some days I just feel on edge and like I'm nervous about nothing. Sometimes I get body spasms which tend to be triggered by stress or intrusive thoughts.
I'm just afraid of what's going to happen if I bring this up. I think an antidepressant is worth a try, although I'm a little weary of side effects. Mainly, I'm afraid of gaining weight. What I don't want is to be sent to any psychiatrist or therapist or whatever. It might be a good idea in the future but right now I'm just not ready for that. There's no way of going and keeping it a secret. Even if I do just get an antidepressant, that could still be tricky to keep quiet about. I don't want to tell my family. My mom is on paxil for anxiety right now and even that doesn't make it any easier. I just don't want to tell anybody. I like a lot of privacy. I don't want to talk about emotions. I don't want people knowing I feel sad and worthless. I'd rather people just think I'm fine, even if it isn't true. The thing is, my mom has different anxiety problems than me. She's a worrywart. She's always worrying and stressing about something. I think if I say anything, then she'll want to know more than I'm willing to talk about, which is not much. And then she'll just overreact and worry even more. I also worry that if I say anything at all, I'll regret it.
I'm not even sure if this is clinical depression. It might just be dysthymia. I've felt mildly depressed ever since I was a kid. I'm not sure that's worth suggesting. I don't know if that's something most family doctors would know anything about. But then, does it even matter? I still feel depressed, no matter what you want to call it. I'm not so sure it's a good idea to talk about certain issues without telling the whole story but I'm really not prepared to dive into treatment for everything. I almost don't want to say anything but then how could I not? Everything effects everything else. It's not just the comorbidity of mental disorders. It's effecting other health issues too.
I'm diabetic and I've been having a hard time keeping my blood sugars stable for awhile now. It's never gonna get better on its own. I'm not motivated enough to count carbs as closely as I should. Sometimes I overeat cause I'm depressed. Also anxiety in itself can mess with blood sugars. Then the wonky sugar levels make me feel even more like crap, so it's lose-lose and I get caught in a vicious cycle. I've read that diabetics have a higher risk of developing anxiety and depression than the general public. Doesn't surprise me at all.
I've always had bad skin and I kinda think I have eczema or something. My face gets red and splotchy and itchy sometimes. But since I'm a hoarder and too depressed to clean my room, it's probably due the fact I don't change my sheets often enough. Some nights I'm too tired and too lazy to wash my face before bed. I feel like I almost shouldn't ask for help with that when it's kind of my fault and caused by another problem. But then maybe I'd just have the same problems anyway. I don't know.
I worry that as soon as I mention depression she'll ask if I'm suicidal. I'm really not but I guess that's not entirely true. I don't actually want to kill myself but I find things like "kill me" just run through my head anyway sometimes. I don't actually mean it. It's like some sort of intrusive thoughts. It's not intentional. I'm not an impulsive person and I don't feel like I'm actually in any danger. Life sucks sometimes, but it isn't that bad. So what, do I lie and say no? Or do I try and explain and risk it being blown out of proportion and taken out of context? I don't want anyone to overreact and worry because there really is nothing to worry about.
Another thing I wonder about is what will happen if I go on meds now, but decide to see a therapist down the road. If I ever want a concrete diagnosis that may be harder to get if symptoms are masked by medication. But that's thinking ahead too much.
I think all I really want is to feel a little better. I don't want to be "normal." I don't want to be happy. It wouldn't be right for me to not be dissatisfied with my life the way it is right now. But I doubt I'll ever get my life on track if I don't get help at all. I dunno, part of me still doesn't want to. I've always been the kind of person who doesn't like help with much of anything so that makes it even harder. I'm kinda torn here. I've got another two weeks to think about what I'm gonna say. I might just chicken out altogether. I'll probably still be fretting over it the night before. I get nervous with doctors as it is. This is only gonna make things worse. I wish I was able to go to the doctor without anyone questioning why, or even knowing I'm going. But that won't happen until I have a 9-5 job. And that won't happen if I stay stuck in this rut of depression. If I had some sort of reassurance that I could get help from my doctor without anyone ever having to find out it wouldn't be so bad, but I might not be that lucky and this could all fall apart.