So frustrated....I hurt myself.

[Jodie-Tyler]

This is really hard for me to talk about, I feel I can't tell anyone because they will never look at me the same. But I need to tell someone because it's boiling inside me.

If any of you have read my threads/posts about my mum problems then you may understand, but for others who don't i'll summerise for you,

My mum has only just started to have aggesive mood swings, and they're all aimed at me. Through taking advise from others on here, i've:
- Ignored her
- Stayed in my room 24/7
- Haven't done anything to 'set her off'

But SHE finds ME, and yells at me for the smallest thing, and I can't express any of MY anger or frustration with her because she dominates me and I won't be making anything better if I did retaliate. So it all boils up inside me....until recently, I was so frustrated (usually I would reach for the chocolate but I've notised weight gain,only a little) so I reached for razor instead.

I'm really at wits end here...no idea what to do execpt wait it out. But do I have the strength to do so??
Thoughts?
Jodie x

 

[overcome.]

Would you know of any reasons at all or your mums moodswings? Do you think it could be down to stress or anything of that nature?

It's very unfair for her to do this to you. Especially as I read in your other thread about the amount of stress you're going through with work alone. Does she know anything related to what's going on with your SA? Or have you never really spoken to/confided in her much?

In regards to self harm, I've had those feelings too before. A number of things stopped me. From people I've spoken to about it, it becomes an addiction, and something very consuming. I have a couple of cuts and scars on me, none related to self harm, but they stick with you. When your life is brighter in the future, which it will be, I know you'd hate to look at your body and see them.

GivesMeHope - FML for Optimists! (Inspiring Twitter-length Stories) - This is just a little something that inspired/inspires me when I feel down.

If you'd ever like to talk, you can always PM me. I'm around quite a lot.

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Malay:
Thank you for the sympathy, need someone to just sympathise with me right now,
I know there are no quick cures for what I'm going through, but like you said, just being on this site really helps to get things out of your head on down somewhere else.
Thank you for the PM proposition, very grateful. I think it will deffo help me to talk to someone who's gone through a simular things, as regards to self harm. xx

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Overcome:
Thank you for comments, I agree when you say in the future the scars will look horrible.
I have no scars, nor do I plan to get some, but hurting myself was such a huge step backwards, it freaked me out after...I kept thinking 'what have I done?'
My mum does now I have SA, but it's not something you see in someone, they have to tell you, and she doesn't know how bad it is, and no I do not confide in her atall.
And now with what's been happening recently, I haven't spoken to her what so ever.

 

[Dronee]

Maybe find some healthier outlets for coping? The creative pursuits, exercise or just eating something that tastes good but is actually relatively healthy? The last one differs from person to person, but I'm sure if you think hard enough, there may be some comfort foods for you that are beneficial.

I also find that slow stretching helps. And that if I'm stressed or have some health problems, foot reflexology works wonders... You can just massage the bottom of your feet. Some people don't find it really great, but many others including myself find it to be one of the most fantastic things you can do to relieve stress.

 

[vj288]

As far as cutting goes I have to agree with overcome. Even the smallest cuts can leave a scar, and they are very ugly and never go away. I would recommend getting a rubber band or a hair elastic so if you ever get the urge again and can't help yourself you can just snap it against your wrist. It's still not healthy but is better than cutting.

I don't have any advice about your mom, but I really hope things get better for you. Maybe if you can get out of the house more often, or try to help your mom cope better?

 

[Feathers]

Oh gosh, ((honey))
Sorry to hear about it..

My mum has only just started to have aggesive mood swings, and they're all aimed at me. Through taking advise from others on here, i've:
- Ignored her
- Stayed in my room 24/7
- Haven't done anything to 'set her off'

But SHE finds ME, and yells at me for the smallest thing, and I can't express any of MY anger or frustration with her because she dominates me and I won't be making anything better if I did retaliate. So it all boils up inside me....until recently, I was so frustrated (usually I would reach for the chocolate but I've notised weight gain,only a little) so I reached for razor instead.

Okay, this sounds familiar.. My parents sometimes don't get off my back and sometimes only 'back off' when I get physically sick/ill or something. I really do get physically ill from stress.. And then they sorta leave me alone.. I don't recommend that, as it's possibly just another way of self-harm..

I do know why they go on about things, they basically want me to get a job and settle down and give'em grandkids. House work, who does what is another area of ranting/frustration. We're working on it.. And they rant at sis cause they want her to lose weight and eat proper/exercise more, and stop playing so much computer games. While you DO have a job.. So, trying to figure out the reasons could be big help..

If your mom wants you to lose weight or become more 'sociable' or get a bf, staying in your room 24/7 will just set her off more... (!)
So at least go to the library and just say you're going 'out'.. That way she doesn't know where you're going.. I find if I go out more and don't tell exactly where I'm going, or just say something general, they get more friendly too..

Have you tried yelling back at her? Sometimes it helps.. (It depends what you say though.) Or have you tried talking when she's calmer? Sometimes this helps too..
Just avoiding her will not solve things.. When you know the reason/s for her 'explodability' you can do something about it..

Can you get counselling or talk to someone else who knows the situation and could advise you about it? (Grandma or Aunt, Dad...?)

((hugs))

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Feathers:
You have the most information about me and my mum I think so I can't imagen what you thought when you read that I resulted to self harm.

I am trying to get out of the house more; going to my friend house, but when you have SA, you rarely get out you know?

She's always had a problem with me not having a BF, but that's because I don't believe any one finds me attractive, cos I have 0 self esteem, not low...0! Although lots of guys have told me otherwise. But that's not it, cos she's never had a go at me for that. And these mood swings only started in October. Weird.

I can't shout back cos whatever I say, good bad, non related, she still flys off the hook!
And no, I can't talk to anyone else, I live with my mum, step-dad, and 5yr old sister.

 

[WriterChick3]

You shouldn't hurt yourself. Like others have said you can find a better way to take out your frustration; Maybe during this hard time you can work on the SA by leaving the house more and before you know it you can leave and not have to deal with so much anxiety at home.

I hate to insert myself here, but I can kinda relate: I have a relative who is emotionally-abusive and has said bad things to me, I have cut myself many times because of this relative.

Here's a quick tip: Sometimes if you get a red erasable marker and rub it on your skin like a cut ... it tricks your mind. It may sound odd but I've tried it a couple times.

 

[punklove]

YouTube - More talking about self harm (cutting)
YouTube - A video about self injury
^ I do the exact same thing.
Cutting does give you temporary relief but please don't end up like me... I'm pretty much addicted to it. I started cutting two years ago mainly because I was stressed and I felt alone. Now the urge for me to cut gets triggered so easily and it's hard to stop myself.
Yes if you don't cut too deep the scars will fade but it's a bit more complicated then that.. you'll feel ashamed that you resorted to doing that.
I really don't want you to end up like me.
I can deffinitley relate to what your saying because my mom's bipolar and she's on a sh*tload of medication.. it's insane.
She'll take all of her anger out on me until I feel so defeated, lonely and frustrated that I'll get MY razor out or scissors (mostly razors though) and cut until I feel completly in control.
I know we don't know eachother but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this.
Message me if you'd like to talk more about it.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I don't know if it's a good advice to give but maybe it's time for you to leave this house?
maybe you could go study in another country?
When I was 16, it was HELL at my parent's house, because my mother is depressive and has some other mental troubles and at this time she had her menopause.
I was cutting myself too. I left. No idea if it was a good idea or not. I guess it was. Now our relationship is way better.

 

[LookingForward]

My mum has only just started to have aggesive mood swings

I've seen this type of thing before, where a woman has suddenly become very emotionally erratic, it turned out to be some sort of thyroid gland issue. She was put on medication to sort it out and returned roughly to normal. Not saying your mom has the same thing but considering it has 'suddenly started' would suggest some sort of physiological change within her. Maybe she needs to get checked out.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you need to remember that this is not your fault and it isn't happening because of you, so you shouldn't be punishing yourself. Like Feathers says above, why not just shout back, that will relieve some of your frustration, you'd never know you might even get through to her.

 

[ryan2022]

Hi, I cant imagine how hard this must be for you.

Just remember, this isn't your fault. You don't deserve the hardship your putting yourself through.

All the best, we're behind you.

 

[Feathers]

Feathers:
You have the most information about me and my mum I think so I can't imagen what you thought when you read that I resulted to self harm.

I am trying to get out of the house more; going to my friend house, but when you have SA, you rarely get out you know?

She's always had a problem with me not having a BF, but that's because I don't believe any one finds me attractive, cos I have 0 self esteem, not low...0! Although lots of guys have told me otherwise. But that's not it, cos she's never had a go at me for that. And these mood swings only started in October. Weird.

I can't shout back cos whatever I say, good bad, non related, she still flys off the hook!
And no, I can't talk to anyone else, I live with my mum, step-dad, and 5yr old sister.

Hm, I'm not a trained psychologist, you know

I replied some in your other topic..
I'll tell you that even beautiful people (like you obviously are!) can have low self-esteem if their faults have constantly been pointed out or if they've been criticised a lot..

I know about getting out of the house and SA, have the same problem too..

Can you just tell yourself, 'Okay, my mum is neurotic, this has nothing to do with me?' It was really helpful to tell myself something like that.. (For both my mum and dad..) I found it in a book, actually

Even if she shouts and you shout, maybe you can sort things out that way? For some people, shouting is like speaking kinda..
Don't resort to insults and such, just how you feel or facts or such..

Can you talk to your Dad maybe? Or maybe even stay with him for a while? Or any other relatives, Grandma, any aunts..?

 

[Hastings & Main]

Hello.
How old is your mum? I'm stepping a little out of my range as I'm male, but I'm just suggesting: could it be menopause? Known side-effects are mood-swings and depression, although many/most women aren't affected severely by the change.

As mentioned by LookingForward, thyroid imbalance can be a cause. A friend of mine's gf used to just go off about any little thing and beat the crap out of him (he's big, so he could take it) until she sought medication.

And yes, take the others' advice and try to get out of the house more. It's hard, but unfortunately we can get comfortable in our suffering and stay as we are, or we can be uncomfortable and hope by change things work their way for the better.
And Feathers is very right in that avoidance will not solve things.

And yes, we are all behind you.

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Have to wait to I get home to view those Youtube videos bcos I can't access youtube at work (where I am now, 9am-4pm).

No I can't leave home. Not possible to study abroad or move out.

I will deffo look into the thyroid gland issue. Cheers.

Feathers: I know you're not LOL, but your comments have been helpful and consistant.

I don't know if I belive that it's NOT my fault, cos it's only me she's yelling at.

I have already looked into the Menapause possibility. And it's not that, but thanx.

Quickly want to say a HUGE big thank you for all your comments. Apreciate every one of them!