Sing! Sing! Sing!

[singing-love]

I'm moving to America next year! Still in shock .

 

[singing-love]

Me Being Alone & silent = people are happy.

 

[singing-love]

Another day another drama, one day the drama is sure to end right? I mean i get what i deserve anyway so i should not complain, if i didn't deserve it then i would have to right to complain. Today is a challenge but i am soldiering through it, what else can you do? It's funny, i had a little "incident' today (i wont go into detail, lets just say im a bit useless lol) but i saw the aftermath and my first reaction was i soo don't want to clean that up instead of oh my goodness ow or why. It seems odd that i immediately focused on the mess instead of seeking help, i am strange haha. mg:

 

[singing-love]

Life isn’t about getting and having, it’s about giving and being. –Kevin Kruse

This was the quote of the day on my Calender this morning, and I really liked the message within it. I agree that life is not all about the materialistic things, I’ve always tried to focus more on the people within my life instead of the things. I like to give whatever I can to those who need it and this quote just summed it up for me, a representation of what life should be, giving things to others who need it and just being. Being yourself, your own unique entity, different. What is so wrong with being yourself and being different really? I enjoy my individualism, sure there are some things that i conform to due to expectations and other individuals. But, I really try to just be me, even if being me seems to get me hurt sometimes because I can be too forgiving, silly me letting the same people in time and time again, but i just can't turn people away and I suck at grudges ::

Anyway the last couple of days have certainly had there ups and downs, as is expected in life. I have had some time to read over the past two days and I have enjoyed it so much, it is nice to settle in the sun with a book and just lose yourself to another world, its a relief to escape life for just a little while. I have missed reading, it seems that my life gets so chaotic and busy at times that I can't do the things that I really enjoy, I really have to work on making more time for things, it's one of my downfalls. But, at least I know it is there so I can do something to change it .

I think I want to start writing again, I do miss it. I have half a story just sitting there waiting for me to finish it, songs, poems, I have them float through my head and lately I just suppress them. I don't write anymore, except for my updates here, that's it. I miss getting lost in my characters in the worlds of my creation and I miss music. My whole being screams for it, it's something I am passionate about and I wonder why I let everyone get to me. Why did I listen and give it all up? It isn't as if I was hurting anyone by writing and singing and things like that (except maybe anyone's ears that was unfortunate enough to hear me :lol. So I am going to consider writing again, it's only for me anyway no one else reads it but me. I don’t know.

I've set some goals as well, which is different for me. I want to make some changes, some personal changes, so that I can be a better person and also so I can have a better future. I don't want to be the same person I am now for the rest of my life, I want to be happier and freer, I want to be less busy and I want to be me, the better me that I feel I can be if I just try. It is going to take some effort and some of my methods to achieve the things I need to may appear a little extreme to others so i am going to keep it to myself. I feel that I can do it, I have motivation now. With my partner and the condition of my relationship I know that some changes have to be made, for the sake of him, the relationship and also for me. Hopefully I can do it, I don't take failure very well, it hits me really hard, so I just have to give it my all and keep picking myself up when things go wrong. Soldier on .

Anyway that's enough rambling for one morning...

 

[singing-love]

Tonight I heard the one thing that no one should ever hear from a parent. My mother has said many things to me over the years, hurtful things, things I forgive and move on from even though they hurt, I've been told I am a mistake and I wrecked her life and all of those sorts of things and I mean that's okay. I am used to it. But tonight for the first time in my life my mother said to me straight out "I don't love you, I never have and I never will. It doesn't matter what you say or do, I won't love you." It just continued from there into more insults and whatever but to actually have her say to me she doesn't love me, that hurt. Those words hurt more than punches and I would know she's dished out her fair share of physical violence over the years. If my own mother can't love me then how can anyone else? So I starts pushing others away tonight and I am so sorry for it. I regret it and take it back and I hope they know that. I was blind by pain, normally I sink into a numbness and become unreachable tonight I just broke. Not loved. Wow. I'm probably over sharing, sorry.

 

[jc972]

Tonight I heard the one thing that no one should ever hear from a parent. My mother has said many things to me over the years, hurtful things, things I forgive and move on from even though they hurt, I've been told I am a mistake and I wrecked her life and all of those sorts of things and I mean that's okay. I am used to it. But tonight for the first time in my life my mother said to me straight out "I don't love you, I never have and I never will. It doesn't matter what you say or do, I won't love you." It just continued from there into more insults and whatever but to actually have her say to me she doesn't love me, that hurt. Those words hurt more than punches and I would know she's dished out her fair share of physical violence over the years. If my own mother can't love me then how can anyone else? So I starts pushing others away tonight and I am so sorry for it. I regret it and take it back and I hope they know that. I was blind by pain, normally I sink into a numbness and become unreachable tonight I just broke. Not loved. Wow. I'm probably over sharing, sorry.

I can relate to this. I'm sorry she acts like that to you. My mom was the exact same way half the time with the insults and abuse but the other times she was ok. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[MikeyC]

Wow, that's tough to hear from your mother, singing-love. You should do nothing more for her, and focus on you alone. No point in trying to impress her anymore, as much as that will hurt.

You really do need to get out of that house. This America trip can't come soon enough.

 

[singing-love]

Thanks guys but I'm okay, I guess I really suck at holding grudges because when she apologized today I forgave her immediately. Oh well, I could have worse personality traits. Been doing some writing today and it's been nice, a healthy way to express what I have hidden in the depths of my mind. No one ever needs to know just me but it's done then . Really tired today because I didn't sleep at all last night so hopefully rest comes easy tonight .

 

[jc972]

Thanks guys but I'm okay, I guess I really suck at holding grudges because when she apologized today I forgave her immediately. Oh well, I could have worse personality traits. Been doing some writing today and it's been nice, a healthy way to express what I have hidden in the depths of my mind. No one ever needs to know just me but it's done then . Really tired today because I didn't sleep at all last night so hopefully rest comes easy tonight .

You sound like a really sweet girl. Most people would still be mad.

 

[singing-love]

Haha, thanks... I don't know about that though, I just suck at grudges I know how it feels to have people angry at you and just can't bring myself to do it to others no matter how dreadful they are to me. I guess that makes me kind of silly forgiving people at the drop of a hat and letting it all go, it's just in my nature I guess. I don't like negative emotion, I prefer to be happy not dragged down with things I can't change. You can't move on to the next chapter of life if you keep reading the last one . Thanks though.

 

[singing-love]

I don't know what to do, I want to scream, scream at the top of my lungs until all the hurt goes away. I want to cry I just want it gone why can't I be happy, be normal? I hate this, everywhere is pain, in my mind, my heart even my body. I pushed everyone away and that's okay because I deserve to be alone right now, hell always perhaps I don't know yet. I tried to wash it all away, I've had three showers today and it's only 9:30am, it's not working either. I'm so tired, this sucks hopefully I can make it pass soon.

 

[jc972]

I don't know what to do, I want to scream, scream at the top of my lungs until all the hurt goes away. I want to cry I just want it gone why can't I be happy, be normal? I hate this, everywhere is pain, in my mind, my heart even my body. I pushed everyone away and that's okay because I deserve to be alone right now, hell always perhaps I don't know yet. I tried to wash it all away, I've had three showers today and it's only 9:30am, it's not working either. I'm so tired, this sucks hopefully I can make it pass soon.

What's wrong?

 

[singing-love]

Just not having a good day at all, and I would say I should go back to bed but the bad day started before I got out of it. It's just one of those days where everything is weighing on me, events catch up to me eventually, I'm hopeful things will turn around for the better soon.

 

[jc972]

Just not having a good day at all, and I would say I should go back to bed but the bad day started before I got out of it. It's just one of those days where everything is weighing on me, events catch up to me eventually, I'm hopeful things will turn around for the better soon.

I'm sorry. *Hug*

 

[jc972]

You've been having a bad week. Think about your trip coming up and how much fun you'll have and all the things you'll see.

 

[singing-love]

Thanks, I'm trying to stay positive, don't let the negativity stop me from doing things.

 

[MikeyC]

JC's right, you've had a pretty tumultuous week. I think you need a little bit of self care. Your mother's words might be grating on you more than you think.

You have my number if you need to use it, remember?

 

[singing-love]

It's been a very long day. Some ups but far too many downs, hopefully with some rest tomorrow will be better. I'm not in the best of spirits, feeling rather down, but that's life take the ups with the downs. Hopefully tomorrow can be an up.

 

[singing-love]

I don't think I've ever been in this much pain, it's agony. I wish it would stop it won't go away, it's just after 1am and I still can't sleep because the pain is becoming unbearable. My gosh why can't it just stop, I'd do anything :sad:

 

[singing-love]

This is my "baby" for the next few days, his name is Archibald, but Archie when he is good. The things people make you do lol. Gonna be an interesting few days .