Shyness and anxiety when in group settings.

[Quietguy11]

Tonight was painful. I was invited to sit in on a game or "session" of Dungeons and Dragons with a few people I know, and some other people who I didn't know. I arrived at 5:00pm and had to sit there in shyness/anxiety/and awkwardness until finally I couldn't take it anymore, whipped out my cell phone, pretended I was exchanging texts with my parents, and then announced that I was getting picked up and that I had to leave. In some ways I feel like I let myself down, and let my shyness and anxiety steal the night from me, but it was just so unbearable that I had no choice but to leave.

At first I was thinking, "Who cares, I'm not talking. These guys are too interested in their game to even care that I'm not talking." That was until one of them spoke up and said, "You are very quiet." then another jumped in and said, "Yea, you can speak up more you know." My anxiety levels increased dramatically after I heard those words because all I could do was laugh a little bit and say something like, "Yea."

So when I left, I walked home, which was about a 25-30 minute walk, and the whole time I was walking home I was beating myself up for not being more social with everyone. Sometimes this shyness really annoys me. It's like I want to talk, but my brain won't let me speak. It's a mix between being fearful to speak and not really knowing what to say. Online is different. Online I can normally get all my thoughts out because the pressure is off me, and I don't have to talk face to face.

I don't know, people say, "Ask questions if you don't know what to talk about." I try that sometimes, but even that's hard... the anxiety interferes with the fluency of my voice. I actually find it harder to speak because I have to force my voice out, I feel absent minded, and my voice feels like it's trembling.

But when I hear someone say to me how quiet I am, it really puts the pressure on me. I wish people would just understand that not everyone operates the same way socially.

 

[Saga]

Ah, fxck I hate it when people have to point it out. One of the most AWFUL sensations when you are just starting to feel comfortable with sitting their quietly and then you realise people are actually noticing after all. It's really quite rude. No-one would say 'Oh my gosh, you're talking soooo much!' (Well, not that I've ever heard.)

Anyway, onto a suggestion. I would try to start but simply looking engaged with the conversation. Try laughing, making little comments, even if it's just an agreeing statement like 'yeah', or 'I know right?'. Sounds a bit lame but it gets you used to contributing and usually there wouldn't be any negative reaction to this, so hopefully you won't feel embarrassed. Once you feel a bit more comfortable, try making remarks to just one or two people sitting next to you. It honestly does. not. matter. what you say, just make sure you try to push yourself to say around three-five things during the night. Don't feel you have to be funny, or amazing, or interesting. If you actually listen carefully to what the group are saying you will see that it honestly nothing that fabulously earth-shattering.

Well, that's all I got. Hope you start feeling more confident soon. =]

 

[Froggy246]

Tonight was painful. I was invited to sit in on a game or "session" of Dungeons and Dragons with a few people I know, and some other people who I didn't know. I arrived at 5:00pm and had to sit there in shyness/anxiety/and awkwardness until finally I couldn't take it anymore, whipped out my cell phone, pretended I was exchanging texts with my parents, and then announced that I was getting picked up and that I had to leave. In some ways I feel like I let myself down, and let my shyness and anxiety steal the night from me, but it was just so unbearable that I had no choice but to leave.

At first I was thinking, "Who cares, I'm not talking. These guys are too interested in their game to even care that I'm not talking." That was until one of them spoke up and said, "You are very quiet." then another jumped in and said, "Yea, you can speak up more you know." My anxiety levels increased dramatically after I heard those words because all I could do was laugh a little bit and say something like, "Yea."

So when I left, I walked home, which was about a 25-30 minute walk, and the whole time I was walking home I was beating myself up for not being more social with everyone. Sometimes this shyness really annoys me. It's like I want to talk, but my brain won't let me speak. It's a mix between being fearful to speak and not really knowing what to say. Online is different. Online I can normally get all my thoughts out because the pressure is off me, and I don't have to talk face to face.

I don't know, people say, "Ask questions if you don't know what to talk about." I try that sometimes, but even that's hard... the anxiety interferes with the fluency of my voice. I actually find it harder to speak because I have to force my voice out, I feel absent minded, and my voice feels like it's trembling.

But when I hear someone say to me how quiet I am, it really puts the pressure on me. I wish people would just understand that not everyone operates the same way socially.

I remember when I went to NYC to visit family years and years ago and I had some pretty strong bouts of what seemed like selective mutism, I was hanging around with my cousin and her friend and he said 'why doesn't she talk' in an annoyed way, and I've never quite recovered from it really, the fact that he said it as if I was deaf and dumb, when I was sitting right there.
But anyway, it's interesting how people highlighting that we're quiet is so distressing, perhaps a symptom of something gone wrong in society where being quiet is seen as a flaw or freakish. The problem then is that it becomes a vicious cycle where having it in the back of your mind that being quiet is a flaw, you feel pressured not to be quiet, which then makes you anxious and you can't speak, thereby collecting more feedback (internally and externally) about being quiet etc. Sometimes I wonder if the inability to speak is a good thing, like it's some aspect of me stopping me from being someone I'm not. I'd really like to be quiet, but not because I'm too scared or anxious to speak, but because I adhere to quality rather than quantity, and only speak when something of worth plops out my mouth.
Just to add one more thought (because I can't sleep) I reckon people who struggle with these types of things have pretty powerful minds that are being misused, I mean sometimes I've caught myself without a care in the world socially because I wasn't thinking about it.

Ah, fxck I hate it when people have to point it out. One of the most AWFUL sensations when you are just starting to feel comfortable with sitting their quietly and then you realise people are actually noticing after all. It's really quite rude. No-one would say 'Oh my gosh, you're talking soooo much!' (Well, not that I've ever heard.)
=]

Haha that's true actually, it would seem very rude to say to someone, " you don't have to talk so much you know' or "your very loud aren't you".

 

[Capsaicin]

I don't know, people say, "Ask questions if you don't know what to talk about." I try that sometimes, but even that's hard... the anxiety interferes with the fluency of my voice. I actually find it harder to speak because I have to force my voice out, I feel absent minded, and my voice feels like it's trembling.

That was one of my biggest struggles... Any pre-chosen options to resort to in a pinch?

 

[Quietguy11]

I've been told by my doctor that I have schizophrenia and autism so if I truly do have these psychological problems then it would explain why I'm so dysfunctional in social situations/settings. I just can't seem to bring myself to say anything in open conversation. It's like my mind is empty/void/blank of all thought process, but when a thought enters my mind I have a struggle with my mind whether or not I should say it, because my brain automatically registers that it will turn out wrong in some way if I open my mouth. When I was younger I could communicate with people in any type of social situation almost effortlessly. It didn't cross my mind ever that I had social problems. I just lived a normal, ordinary life like many others in the world. Now it's the exact opposite. Now I feel like something very terrible happened to me. My brain just won't get stimulated even if someone talks to me directly.

Saga, I will try to force myself to speak a little more the next time I'm out with these people. I can't make any promises, but I will try to get more words spoken than I normally do.

Froggy, I had a similar thing happen to me one time. I was in the room with a couple of girls I didn't know, and I wasn't talking because I had no clue what to say to them, and one of them got up, went out to the kitchen (still in my hearing) and told him, saying, "Your friend is really creepy." I don't think I ever recovered from that either.

Cap, the only pre-chosen option I came up to is to whip out my cell phone and pretend I'm sending text messages to people.

 

[jaim38]

I can't function well in group situations either. When I see a group of people and there is someone I know, I feel too anxious to greet this person so I come off as standoffish and rude. It's even worse when everybody's looking at me. I can't talk at all.

Cap, the only pre-chosen option I came up to is to whip out my cell phone and pretend I'm sending text messages to people.

I used to do this, even though text messaging on my phone is disabled. But lately, I try to cut this defense mechanism, whatever it is. Maybe try talking to some people who I sit with.

 

[arovt]

I completely feel you on that Quietguy11.

1. Never beat yourself up. Just like all of us, you have an issue that's mostly out of your control. Whether with social anxiety or not, everyone has had events when they've felt disassociated and left early, so unless you do that a lot with those people you said you knew, I'm sure they just assumed you were having a tough day or week. Everyone loses self-confidence from time to time, but I know as I have Social Anxiety also that it is definitely tougher to think in group settings and if I just am not in the mood either, it's almost impossible to contribute because the anxiety takes away our most powerful weapon to fight it, our smile.
2. Now my second point has to do with my first. I used "mostly" in the second sentence because not everything is out of our control. I find the odds in different situations stacked up against us tougher for ex. I had a recent business meeting with our head manager and I just always feel like my anxiety gets much higher around the guy. People who don't understand my condition think that I am just probably intimidated but that's not true at all. I just get so anxious in group settings to contribute more than a few words. This has happened ot me for YEARS now as I am 24 now. Like through college I was in a fraternity and at the end of each meeting, we passed a gavel and said some words. I'd usually be the guy who said "Great to be a --" and just pass the gavel. Others were like me too, but yeah I feared this part of meeting for like the last 15-20 minutes. It really sucks, and I'm sure you felt the same exact way during Dungeons and Dragons. This leads me to my advice: something that is slowly and steadily helping me is that when you are in a group setting, try not to think about how much you are scared when it is your turn. Just listen VERY VERY closely to everyone especially the people right next to you because it's important to trick your brain into thinking like you are in sync with nature or in this case the game, so that when it is your turn, hopefully you have enough focus to make a contribution. I personally think the worst part about SA is that it takes away your real personality, and makes people around us think we are just not confident at all. When in reality they are oblivious to the truth. But just imagine this, you got one life. Everyone you f*** up in front of socially, will also perish one day. In social situations I like to drink up to get mroe comfortable. That may not be your thing but my point is DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO...to get the odds in your favor. I used Caps-Lock out of just sheer emphasis not anger lol, but I hope you catch my drift.

 

[Quietguy11]

I completely feel you on that Quietguy11.

1. Never beat yourself up. Just like all of us, you have an issue that's mostly out of your control. Whether with social anxiety or not, everyone has had events when they've felt disassociated and left early, so unless you do that a lot with those people you said you knew, I'm sure they just assumed you were having a tough day or week. Everyone loses self-confidence from time to time, but I know as I have Social Anxiety also that it is definitely tougher to think in group settings and if I just am not in the mood either, it's almost impossible to contribute because the anxiety takes away our most powerful weapon to fight it, our smile.
2. Now my second point has to do with my first. I used "mostly" in the second sentence because not everything is out of our control. I find the odds in different situations stacked up against us tougher for ex. I had a recent business meeting with our head manager and I just always feel like my anxiety gets much higher around the guy. People who don't understand my condition think that I am just probably intimidated but that's not true at all. I just get so anxious in group settings to contribute more than a few words. This has happened ot me for YEARS now as I am 24 now. Like through college I was in a fraternity and at the end of each meeting, we passed a gavel and said some words. I'd usually be the guy who said "Great to be a --" and just pass the gavel. Others were like me too, but yeah I feared this part of meeting for like the last 15-20 minutes. It really sucks, and I'm sure you felt the same exact way during Dungeons and Dragons. This leads me to my advice: something that is slowly and steadily helping me is that when you are in a group setting, try not to think about how much you are scared when it is your turn. Just listen VERY VERY closely to everyone especially the people right next to you because it's important to trick your brain into thinking like you are in sync with nature or in this case the game, so that when it is your turn, hopefully you have enough focus to make a contribution. I personally think the worst part about SA is that it takes away your real personality, and makes people around us think we are just not confident at all. When in reality they are oblivious to the truth. But just imagine this, you got one life. Everyone you f*** up in front of socially, will also perish one day. In social situations I like to drink up to get mroe comfortable. That may not be your thing but my point is DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO...to get the odds in your favor. I used Caps-Lock out of just sheer emphasis not anger lol, but I hope you catch my drift.

Excellent and sound advice that I can surely use as an attempt to be more involved and in sync with everyone during these social events. I really appreciate it. The problem I face with paying attention is that my my brain gets overwhelmed so much with the environment that I'm in that it doesn't process enough information. (Things that are said around the table.) And when someone speaks directly to me, I feel caught off guard, instead of engaged and ready to answer right away. It's like my mind freezes for a moment each time, and then slowly a thought comes in and I speak it very shyly. I am going to take your advice and try not to think of the nervousness an anxiousness even timidity that I feel during these social moments. I am going to try to just relax, be myself, and not let anything intimidate or overwhelm me. That is easier said than done, but I am willing to give it a shot, because I am pretty much desperate for answers/solutions to this dilemma. Thank you for taking the time to write. I found what you said to be very helpful and even encouraging.

 

[deadair]

I totally relate to your posts Quietguy11. Going blank in conversations/over shyness/timidity/awkwardness/saying the wrong things/inferiority complex/self consciousness are typical traits of me too when in social situations. That's why I really wonder how did I ever get through elementary highschool college just like that, as if I'm a normal person, but all I know then is that I already possess a terrible inferiority complex, that's all I know then. Now I can't talk to people face to face, there's always awkward moments whenever I'm present, and people tend to see me as a snob or unfriendly or lacking in PR they get annoyed with me, that's why it's better for me to avoid people and be a recluse. I can't think of anything to say especially small chitchats, my mind cannot process thoughts because of nervousness, and when a thought comes, I'm afraid I might say it the wrong way or awkwardly and people will laugh at me or have a lasting impression of me that I'm weird and totally awkward person, so I just hold back what I want to say, and just let them have an impression of me as a snob or unfriendly, better than being ridiculed as a weirdo. People here are too gossipy. The more I want to avoid and hide. At least in online forums like this, I don't have to speak face to face and I can gather my thoughts and there's a lot of people out there just like me who KNOW HOW TO UNDERSTAND.:thumbup:

 

[alxbkr]

Asking questions is a great way to get in if you don't know what they're talking about

 

[luiface]

Been there done that. Except i was outside and i couldn't just leave cause i had no ride. Never again. Not worth it nope

 

[Tuukka40]

I get where you're coming from...my most feared social situation is being a stranger in a group of people who all know each other and are friends (ie. starting a new job).

 

[NervousStranger]

I Completely understand you Quietguy11..sometimes i can't even interact with my own family. My mind knows what to say but my mouth doesn't function and i hate to be the center of attention. I'm fine with friends but definitely not with strangers. Guys think I'm anti-social and my cousins find me irritating. I just want someone to understand, you know? :crying: