Shy + Awkward = No Friends

Hidden1

New member
I'm horrible at maintaining long-term relationships. I'm tired of having people coming into my life, make my days special and then leave. As you can see in the equation in my title, I'm an extremely shy person and socially awkward. (This equation does not apply to everyone)I have people that I get along with in school but I don't regard them as my friends because they don't accept me for who I am. I accept our differences but they can't accept mine. I used to try so hard to fit in but I realized that this is ME and I'm not going to change myself to please someone else. I can't expect them to understand either. They just keep pointing out that I'm too shy :giggle:

I hate myself for being this way and it keeps on happening to me over and over again in both real life and people I talk to on the Internet. I want to talk to someone who I can relate to but it feels like I'm searching and trying for so long only to come back empty-handed. They say that sometimes you have to be your own best friend.

I went ice-skating. Go to the cinemas. Walk around town. All by myself. I wish that someone else is there with me too. I feel empty spending so much time with myself. I wish I was more outgoing but that's not who I am. Whenever I receive a Whatsapp notification, it's got to be one of my friends or someone in my class who needs my help. All I need is one friend(two would be good too). I'm not going to type out that cliche line "Is that too much for me to ask for" but I honestly hope that I could stop being so shy, go out there and meet people who I can truly call my friend. We only get older each day and I want my time to be spent meaningfully with people who genuinely care about me and not because they feel obligated to show their concern. :eek:mg:

(If anyone wants to talk, do PM me. I don't have a social life so I'm always here on the Internet:thinking:)
 

MotherWolff

Banned
Go on. Keep on rehearsing over and over and over again that you are shy and socially awkward and see how far that will get you in life.....
 

bsammy

Well-known member
Then do it. What are you waiting for?

well what do you exect him to do about it?shyness is a pretty hard-wired personality trait whereas social awkwardness can be fought through if you are willing to put a lot of work in and really try to change..

the sad truth is, not too many people want someone around who is uncomfortable to talk to or someone that doesnt talk at all..not much fun to have a conversation with someone like that..you have to have traits that are enjoyable and that others like..

i have found that if i am to maintain friendships, i have to step outside my normal personality and put on some sort of social facade because if i didnt, i would have zero friends or relationships..
 

Just-lost

Member
It's all about mind set I totally pushed away everybody when I first realised I had what I have but then as I accepted it the people that were genuine people seemed to stick around its all about understanding... I lost what I thought was the love of my life because of how I am but I don't brand myself a loner and I know that the people I have now may only be a handful of people but they are amazing to me Id rather have one genuine friend that loads of in and out types! Don't be so hard on yourself im sure you're a really nice person and someday hopefully soon things will change for you :)
 

MotherWolff

Banned
well what do you exect him to do about it?shyness is a pretty hard-wired personality trait whereas social awkwardness can be fought through if you are willing to put a lot of work in and really try to change..

the sad truth is, not too many people want someone around who is uncomfortable to talk to or someone that doesnt talk at all..not much fun to have a conversation with someone like that..you have to have traits that are enjoyable and that others like..

i have found that if i am to maintain friendships, i have to step outside my normal personality and put on some sort of social facade because if i didnt, i would have zero friends or relationships..

Shyness is NOT a personality.

That is a common misbelief.

Its just like saying,"Well, I am an angry person cause that is how I am. I can't help it."

Nothing but lies.

We have choices. We are not machines programmed to think, feel, and act any way we don't want to.

Hidden CHOOSES to think he is shy. Therefore he FEELS shy and then behaves as if he is shy.

I bet you if Hidden were to get paid one thousand dollars for every week he acted confident in himself, he wouldn't be shy then, huh?
 

Hidden1

New member
Shyness is NOT a personality.

That is a common misbelief.

Its just like saying,"Well, I am an angry person cause that is how I am. I can't help it."

Nothing but lies.

We have choices. We are not machines programmed to think, feel, and act any way we don't want to.

Hidden CHOOSES to think he is shy. Therefore he FEELS shy and then behaves as if he is shy.

I bet you if Hidden were to get paid one thousand dollars for every week he acted confident in himself, he wouldn't be shy then, huh?

Being shy isnt a choice. If I could be confident every week, I would've done that long time ago and not make things difficult for myself by being shy. I've always been this way since I was 8 and it was a part of me.
 

S_Spartan

Well-known member
The moment I see an amputee grow back a limb by only using positive thinking and willpower is the day I will start believing this "mental health is a choice" thing.

If a person can't "will" away physical ailments then why are we constantly being told to will away our mental illness?
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Welcome to the forum, anyways!

I hope you can find some people to talk to.
I know I did when I frequented this place. :3
 

bsammy

Well-known member
Shyness is NOT a personality.

That is a common misbelief.

Its just like saying,"Well, I am an angry person cause that is how I am. I can't help it."

Nothing but lies.

We have choices. We are not machines programmed to think, feel, and act any way we don't want to.

Hidden CHOOSES to think he is shy. Therefore he FEELS shy and then behaves as if he is shy.

I bet you if Hidden were to get paid one thousand dollars for every week he acted confident in himself, he wouldn't be shy then, huh?

im sorry but you are very wrong..anger is an emotion, shyness is a personality trait..there is a big difference..anger is fleeting and soon passes, shyness is something usually wired into a persons personality...the guy probably is shy, why would he choose to think he is shy if he isnt?

some people will always be shy no matter how hard they work on it, other can push through it make progress..

you are saying you can literally pay someone to be confident, you mean fake confidence???that might be possible but to act truly confident in yourself, it takes much more than money..
 

bsammy

Well-known member
The moment I see an amputee grow back a limb by only using positive thinking and willpower is the day I will start believing this "mental health is a choice" thing.

If a person can't "will" away physical ailments then why are we constantly being told to will away our mental illness?

BOOM u nailed it..i cant believe on a social phobia forum that people are saying you can 'will' away or worse yet, PAY to be rid of mental disorders or other ailments....
 

MotherWolff

Banned
Being shy isnt a choice. If I could be confident every week, I would've done that long time ago and not make things difficult for myself by being shy. I've always been this way since I was 8 and it was a part of me.

You are entitled to your own opinion.

The fact of the matter is that people can change because they have free will.

Only you have the power to rid yourself of shyness.

No person, drug, or thing has that power but you.

You are your own worst enemy when it comes to your negative thoughts.
 

MotherWolff

Banned
im sorry but you are very wrong..anger is an emotion, shyness is a personality trait..there is a big difference..anger is fleeting and soon passes, shyness is something usually wired into a persons personality...the guy probably is shy, why would he choose to think he is shy if he isnt?

some people will always be shy no matter how hard they work on it, other can push through it make progress..

you are saying you can literally pay someone to be confident, you mean fake confidence???that might be possible but to act truly confident in yourself, it takes much more than money..

No one is 100% wrong yet no one is 100% right.

So let's say that shyness is a personality trait. Why exactly can't it ever be overcome if that is the desire of the person?

The way we feel about ourselves and behave depends on our thoughts.

No one has to fake confidence to feel confident.

Hidden would be much better off changing his thoughts then to marinate in self-pity all day and all night about how shy he is and that there is nothing he can do about it because its a personality trait.

You say it as if its genetic or something.

Its not like something more permanent like cerebal paulsy or diabetes(although I believe these things can be reversed with natural remedies).

Which sounds better to you,

"I am too shy to go make friends. I guess I can't really help it. I have always been this way. There's no way I can have a normal level of self-esteem. I will always be shy. That's just how I am. Oh well...."

Or this,

"I know I have been struggling with feelings of shyness for much of my life. But that doesn't mean I have to stay shy forever. I choose to be more confident in everything about myself. Not so I can be approved by others, but so that I can approve of myself."

You decide.

The reason why Hidden might think he is shy is because of his reaction to certain situations. He chose to react in a way that makes him think, feel, and act like he is shy, whether he realizes it or not.
 
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singing-love

Well-known member
First off, Hi, welcome to the forum :).

Secondly, MotherWolff, where exactly do you get the right to speak to someone like that? This is a place of growth, where we can talk about the things we struggle with and help bring each other up, not shoot them down. Everyone has the right to express their feelings and what they are struggling with, Hidden1, came here to seek friends and help, like many others. She isn't just sitting there doing nothing so why don't you show a little compassion instead of picking at her for being shy.

"Why Are Some People Shy?

Shyness is partly a result of genes a person has inherited. It's also influenced by behaviours they've learned, the ways people have reacted to their shyness, and life experiences they've had.

Genetics. Our genes determine our physical traits, like height, eye colour, skin colour, and body type. But genes also influence certain personality traits, including shyness. About 20% of people have a genetic tendency to be naturally shy. But not everyone with a genetic tendency to be shy develops a shy temperament. Life experiences also play a role.

Life experiences. When people are faced with a situation that may lead them to feel shy, how they deal with that situation can shape their future reactions to similar situations. For example, if people who are shy approach new things little by little, it can help them become more confident and comfortable. But if they feel pushed into situations they don't feel prepared for, or if they are teased or bullied, it can make them even more shy."

She doesn't "choose" to be shy, why would he? Life isn't so black and white and you should refrain from shooting people down like that, unless you yourself are perfect. It takes more than willpower, and whilst yes, we do have free will doesn't mean everything is a simple fix. So, perhaps try being positive and supportive instead of making someone feel worse, that would be much more constructive.

This is for you Hidden1:

Overcoming shyness takes practice. People who are shy tend to give themselves fewer chances to practice social behaviours. It's no wonder that people who shy away from socializing don't feel as socially confident as those who are outgoing — they have less practice! The more you practice social behaviours, the easier they get, and the more natural they feel for you.

Take slow, steady steps forward. Going slow is OK. But be sure to go forward. Stepping back from any situations that might trigger you to feel shy can reinforce shyness and keep it at a level that's hard to get past. Build confidence by taking one small forward step at a time.

It's OK to feel awkward. Everyone does sometimes. People who are shy are often afraid to feel awkward or uncomfortable. But don't let that keep you from doing what you want. You might feel awkward asking your crush for a first date. That's perfectly natural. Whether your crush says yes — or no — is out of your control. But not asking at all means you'll never get that date. So go for it anyway!

Know that you can do it. Plenty of people learn to manage their shyness. Know that you can, too. :thumbup:
 

MotherWolff

Banned
First off, Hi, welcome to the forum :).

Secondly, MotherWolff, where exactly do you get the right to speak to someone like that? This is a place of growth, where we can talk about the things we struggle with and help bring each other up, not shoot them down. Everyone has the right to express their feelings and what they are struggling with, Hidden1, came here to seek friends and help, like many others. She isn't just sitting there doing nothing so why don't you show a little compassion instead of picking at her for being shy.

"Why Are Some People Shy?

Shyness is partly a result of genes a person has inherited. It's also influenced by behaviours they've learned, the ways people have reacted to their shyness, and life experiences they've had.

Genetics. Our genes determine our physical traits, like height, eye colour, skin colour, and body type. But genes also influence certain personality traits, including shyness. About 20% of people have a genetic tendency to be naturally shy. But not everyone with a genetic tendency to be shy develops a shy temperament. Life experiences also play a role.

Life experiences. When people are faced with a situation that may lead them to feel shy, how they deal with that situation can shape their future reactions to similar situations. For example, if people who are shy approach new things little by little, it can help them become more confident and comfortable. But if they feel pushed into situations they don't feel prepared for, or if they are teased or bullied, it can make them even more shy."

She doesn't "choose" to be shy, why would he? Life isn't so black and white and you should refrain from shooting people down like that, unless you yourself are perfect. It takes more than willpower, and whilst yes, we do have free will doesn't mean everything is a simple fix. So, perhaps try being positive and supportive instead of making someone feel worse, that would be much more constructive.

This is for you Hidden1:

Overcoming shyness takes practice. People who are shy tend to give themselves fewer chances to practice social behaviours. It's no wonder that people who shy away from socializing don't feel as socially confident as those who are outgoing — they have less practice! The more you practice social behaviours, the easier they get, and the more natural they feel for you.

Take slow, steady steps forward. Going slow is OK. But be sure to go forward. Stepping back from any situations that might trigger you to feel shy can reinforce shyness and keep it at a level that's hard to get past. Build confidence by taking one small forward step at a time.

It's OK to feel awkward. Everyone does sometimes. People who are shy are often afraid to feel awkward or uncomfortable. But don't let that keep you from doing what you want. You might feel awkward asking your crush for a first date. That's perfectly natural. Whether your crush says yes — or no — is out of your control. But not asking at all means you'll never get that date. So go for it anyway!

Know that you can do it. Plenty of people learn to manage their shyness. Know that you can, too. :thumbup:

Ok. First of all, I am not speaking to anyone in a harmful way simply by stating absolute fact and truth.

I have the right to express myself too whether you approve of it or not.

I am telling Hidden what she CAN do to beat shyness rather than what she CAN'T do like all of you guys seem to have a bad habit of doing.

How exactly am I picking on her?

I want to make something perfectly clear,

I do not like revelling in pitty for anyone. That does not help the person, it just makes them feel worse.

That is what you are doing by saying its a gene.

This is a rather foolish misbelief.

Also, she probably won't be able to completely change her negative thoughts regarding shyness overnight.

Just telling a person they can do something is good. But how can you expect them to do anything about a problem if you beat into their head that they can't help their problem.

Can't is like a mantra here.....
 

singing-love

Well-known member
Ok. First of all, I am not speaking to anyone in a harmful way simply by stating absolute fact and truth.

I have the right to express myself too whether you approve of it or not.

I am telling Hidden what she CAN do to beat shyness rather than what she CAN'T do like all of you guys seem to have a bad habit of doing.

How exactly am I picking on her?

I want to make something perfectly clear,

I do not like revelling in pitty for anyone. That does not help the person, it just makes them feel worse.

That is what you are doing by saying its a gene.

This is a rather foolish misbelief.

Also, she probably won't be able to completely change her negative thoughts regarding shyness overnight.

Just telling a person they can do something is good. But how can you expect them to do anything about a problem if you beat into their head that they can't help their problem.

Can't is like a mantra here.....

For starters that helpless "can't" feeling is human nature, it's a weakness we all have, I'm sure you yourself have felt this way at some point. So, making someone else feel bad for feeling as if they can't do something actually amplifies the problem, it helps no one.

No one is saying that nothing can be done, in my previous post I gave her some information to help instead of shooting her down. Something CONSTRUCTIVE. It's called being understanding. Also recognising that yes things can be difficult, it's not "revelling in pity" as you state, it's called empathy and your lack of it astounds me. Making someone feel accepted and comfortable is an important step in recovery, it's a long process.

You should provide her with tools to help her overcome her shyness, whether you like it or not it is a personality trait, and you disregarding her emotions and basically telling her to get over it is not helpful.

As for foolish disbeliefs, etc, if you can express your opinion I can express mine, try and have an open mind. This site is acceptance and helping each other and having a place that we can feel comfortable and belong, please keep that in mind before shooting someone down for expressing their troubles.
 

MotherWolff

Banned
Hey Hidden.

Maybe you would feel better about yourself if you were in an area where being shy is acceptable if you truly feel like you must always be shy.

Shyness in different parts of the world is actually seen as a likeable aspect, versus the western parts.

It doesn't help when there are folks around you constantly wanting to "bring you out of your shell," especially when you really don't want to.

If you think you cannot change shyness, why complain about it? Why not just accept it?

Its like being in a vicious cycle for us to say we want to change yet we can't cause that's how we are.
 

singing-love

Well-known member
Hi Hidden1,
I just wanted to personally apologise for the arguing within your thread. I truly hope that in your future experiences here that you get a more positive and welcoming response. I hope that you find all of the support and guidance that you are seeking here, and that things begin to improve for you soon.
 

OceanMist

Well-known member
Shyness is a personality for people once they hit a certain age, i would say around high school to college ages. People who are shy are like that way from a young age and it sticks with them throughout their lives. Not all shy youngsters become shy for life, but some do become shy for life (many people on this site including myself).

It is a personality trait that can't be "cured," as in people will always see it in you. As people we have auras, a presence about us, which is what many people can read within minutes or even seconds of meeting us.

I've played the outgoing, loud social guy pretty well before and people were still turned off by my shyness. It's because they can still that shyness, and as Bsammy said it's off-putting to most people, especially many outgoing people.

I, myself, am not the greatest actor, but I've heard guys who are shy be able to put on an act for a while with people and pretend to be a social type of person, but even those people are just a short period of time away from being figured out as a shy person if they are in fact a shy person by my definition earlier (a shy lifer, as i call us).

I know what I just said isn't exactly positive but I feel like it's helpful to understand who you are and what you are capable of. As someone said before, there are things a shy lifer can do to improve their life, and I even believe a shy lifer can become happy with their life if they manage to build a healthy social circle and get a significant other for a healthy amount of time. The most important thing would be the social circle. This is a whole other discussion, though, with a lot of explanation I'll refrain from for now.

Is being shy a choice, it can be and it can't be. Someone can improve and become less shy at certain times, but as I said before, a true shy person will never be able to put on an act for extended periods of times. Their shyness will always show out eventually.

This stuff takes years of work and lots of failure from what I've seen. Someone has to be willing to sacrifice a lot of their time, energy and ego to improve. It's a lot of work and hardship.
 
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