Shy + Awkward = No Friends

[bsammy]

No one is 100% wrong yet no one is 100% right.

So let's say that shyness is a personality trait. Why exactly can't it ever be overcome if that is the desire of the person?

The way we feel about ourselves and behave depends on our thoughts.

No one has to fake confidence to feel confident.

Hidden would be much better off changing his thoughts then to marinate in self-pity all day and all night about how shy he is and that there is nothing he can do about it because its a personality trait.

You say it as if its genetic or something.

Its not like something more permanent like cerebal paulsy or diabetes(although I believe these things can be reversed with natural remedies).

Which sounds better to you,

"I am too shy to go make friends. I guess I can't really help it. I have always been this way. There's no way I can have a normal level of self-esteem. I will always be shy. That's just how I am. Oh well...."

Or this,

"I know I have been struggling with feelings of shyness for much of my life. But that doesn't mean I have to stay shy forever. I choose to be more confident in everything about myself. Not so I can be approved by others, but so that I can approve of myself."

You decide.

The reason why Hidden might think he is shy is because of his reaction to certain situations. He chose to react in a way that makes him think, feel, and act like he is shy, whether he realizes it or not.

umm shyness does have a strong genetic basis..experts will tell you they can tell the shy infants from the extroverted infants..read up on it and u will see, shyness is not something you choose not to be...

look, i dont know Hidden but most of us that are shy realize we are and arent trying to pretend we are..we have lived with this for many years..some of us have improved our confidence and reduced our shyness to varying levels but at the base of our personality, we are still shy, it is part of who we are..im not saying completely give up and dont try to change but you act as if its a personal decision which is ridiculous..you honestly think there are guys out there that choose to remain shy when it has been a huge burden and barrier for them their entire lives?

wallowing in self pity all day is no good but neither is the opposite, believing in some fairy tale that he/she can completely change their personality by simply 'willing' themselves to do so..im all for positive thinking but lets not be delusional..

 

[Hidden1]

Hi Hidden1,
I just wanted to personally apologise for the arguing within your thread. I truly hope that in your future experiences here that you get a more positive and welcoming response. I hope that you find all of the support and guidance that you are seeking here, and that things begin to improve for you soon.

I hope so. I don't know maybe it was quite stupid of me. I would agree a bit with Motherwolf

 

[singing-love]

I hope so. I don't know maybe it was quite stupid of me. I would agree a bit with Motherwolf

In some ways she is right that we can work towards change. But you expressing yourself and your post is not at all stupid, don't allow anyone to make you feel that way. A lot of people here will understand your situation and wish you the best.

 

[Missing]

I understand how you feel, Hidden. Shyness is a huge part of who I am. If I could "choose" to stop, you bet I would. But since stopping wasn't an option for me, I've learned to work with it. I surround myself with people that don't care that I'm shy. I was dragged to a party and everyone saw how shy I was. It actually drew them to me, and by their patience and understanding, I'm able to feel less shy in more circumstances. They didn't avoid me because I was shy, they came to me and showed me I didn't have to be shy with them. It's not always like that though. There's some times you run into the snobs and it sets you back.

I think posting here is a great start. If you don't feel like you can practice in the real world yet (I was there at one point!) Use the internet. Comment on videos or blogs. I was (and still am a bit. I'm still working on myself) deathly afraid of posting online. If you feel fine doing that, why not go to the store and even if you already know, ask a worker where something is. It's a conversation you know will end when you reach the item. Once you're more comfortable with that, try asking advice or details about a product.

I'm quite awkward myself... But I've found people who are awkward too, and soon our awkwardness goes away after awhile. I'm a little lucky though, because my husband is the very opposite and I'm forced around his friends.

I know the thought of getting better seems scary. But once you start and things start getting easier, you'll be more open to change.

Good luck.

 

[Littlewilly]

Motherwolf I can understand why you call yourself that because you certainly sound to come across that way to me & to some others on here,
people like Hidden & myself didn't ask to be shy or socially awkward it was just something that some of us were born with it seems.
The idea of this site as I've understood it is to get help or sympathy from other fellow sufferers who understand what we're all going through but the way that you've put your replies across seems to come across to me as (Attitude) towards it.
Some valid points of course but maybe putting them across a little less harshly
as some people on here depending on how severe there sensitivity is could increase there anxiety somewhat.
I don't know what your situation is on here but please spare a thought for others on here who can be more sensitive towards comments from other people.:thumbdown:

 

[IntheLabyrinth]

I don't know where on earth... or mars... you are from but you may want to look into meetup.com to try to find some type of group you would fit in with, and then you can find like minded people you would get along with. Sometimes people that love to talk all the time can be annoying but they do like having friends that are shy and that would rather listen than talk, so maybe those type of people would be a good match for you. If it is shyness rather than an overwhelming SAD that is holding you back, meetup should be doable for you. Good luck! I only have one friend I see and not all that often, so I feel your pain!

 

[MotherWolff]

I don't know where on earth... or mars... you are from but you may want to look into meetup.com to try to find some type of group you would fit in with, and then you can find like minded people you would get along with. Sometimes people that love to talk all the time can be annoying but they do like having friends that are shy and that would rather listen than talk, so maybe those type of people would be a good match for you. If it is shyness rather than an overwhelming SAD that is holding you back, meetup should be doable for you. Good luck! I only have one friend I see and not all that often, so I feel your pain!

Yeah. This is what I was trying to say in my earlier post. This makes alot of sense.

 

[migthymask]

this is the story of my life

 

[bsammy]

has anyone here had success with meetup.com?ive been to 2 of their meetings and its a weird experience for me..2 different groups of people each time, i found it was somewhat easy to talk to a few people but actually meeting possible friends there seemed quite difficult to me..

the only problem with being a good friend with an extrovert is they like to use you as an audience if you dont have much to say and are a good listener..ive had friends like this in the past, they would talk and talk about their problems but when you helped them out, they were gone with their other extroverted friends..

wish this thread was shy+awkward +not outgoing = No friends....lol..

 

[Littlewilly]

I think there are people on here who don't seem to understand alot about shyness,social anx/phobia,having low self-esteem,no confidence etc
it can be very crippling to the individuals.
If you don't suffer with any of the above then maybe they shouldn't be on this website...:thumbdown:

 

[MotherWolff]

the only problem with being a good friend with an extrovert is they like to use you as an audience if you dont have much to say and are a good listener..ive had friends like this in the past, they would talk and talk about their problems but when you helped them out, they were gone with their other extroverted friends..

I have had something like this happen to me so much during my high school years. This type of people would use me to cheat on their school work.

I actually hope those girls that did that to me are on welfare with 10 babies they have to care for, alone.:sarcastic:

wish this thread was shy+awkward +not outgoing = No friends....lol..

I don't think so. People who are shy, awkward, and/or not outgoing can have friends. They may not be popular or likeable, but they can still be friends with other similar people or even people who are completely different. They may compliment eachothers differences. I mean, if two shy and quiet people got together, it sure would be quiet, probably silent.

Then with loud, talkative people they so damn noisy that they would talk over eachother.

So yeah, opposites really can attract and likes can repel.

 

[Argentum]

I tend to be wary of new friendships, too. I think my awkwardness is minimal these days, but that doesn't mean I relate well to others or have any of the culturally favored traits like extroversion and ambition. We don't even wind up on bad terms in most cases, just uninterested. Those that do stick around tend to have ulterior motives and like to pour salt in the wound: I'm wanted, but only for sympathy, money, etc.

Age changes some things, not so much others.

 

[THeCARS1979]

Shyness is a personality for people once they hit a certain age, i would say around high school to college ages. People who are shy are like that way from a young age and it sticks with them throughout their lives. Not all shy youngsters become shy for life, but some do become shy for life (many people on this site including myself).

It is a personality trait that can't be "cured," as in people will always see it in you. As people we have auras, a presence about us, which is what many people can read within minutes or even seconds of meeting us.

I've played the outgoing, loud social guy pretty well before and people were still turned off by my shyness. It's because they can still that shyness, and as Bsammy said it's off-putting to most people, especially many outgoing people.

I, myself, am not the greatest actor, but I've heard guys who are shy be able to put on an act for a while with people and pretend to be a social type of person, but even those people are just a short period of time away from being figured out as a shy person if they are in fact a shy person by my definition earlier (a shy lifer, as i call us).

I know what I just said isn't exactly positive but I feel like it's helpful to understand who you are and what you are capable of. As someone said before, there are things a shy lifer can do to improve their life, and I even believe a shy lifer can become happy with their life if they manage to build a healthy social circle and get a significant other for a healthy amount of time. The most important thing would be the social circle. This is a whole other discussion, though, with a lot of explanation I'll refrain from for now.

Is being shy a choice, it can be and it can't be. Someone can improve and become less shy at certain times, but as I said before, a true shy person will never be able to put on an act for extended periods of times. Their shyness will always show out eventually.

This stuff takes years of work and lots of failure from what I've seen. Someone has to be willing to sacrifice a lot of their time, energy and ego to improve. It's a lot of work and hardship.

It sux, period, your put out as an outcast , a misfit kid, its just so wrong and you get labled with in minutes,
If thats the case i rather refrain from parties and stuff like that
but Im not about to kiss someones a** thats for sure

 

[HHDisturbed]

The moment I see an amputee grow back a limb by only using positive thinking and willpower is the day I will start believing this "mental health is a choice" thing.

If a person can't "will" away physical ailments then why are we constantly being told to will away our mental illness?

Spartan: Correct. Mental health is not a choice. The choice exists in one's decision to wallow in their problems or trying your best to think and be positive. Just because someone is shy, depressed or has social anxiety it doesn't mean that they cannot take positive measures to take steps in a better direction. Life is f-ing hard! But if all a person does is think negative and gather with others who reinforce those negative thoughts and feelings then they have little of no hope. You dont empower...you enable.

Being shy isnt a choice. If I could be confident every week, I would've done that long time ago and not make things difficult for myself by being shy. I've always been this way since I was 8 and it was a part of me.

Correct...being shy may not be a choice but it can be overcome. We are all stronger than our disorders if we choose to be and work hard to get there.

 

[S_Spartan]

Spartan: Correct. Mental health is not a choice. The choice exists in one's decision to wallow in their problems or trying your best to think and be positive. Just because someone is shy, depressed or has social anxiety it doesn't mean that they cannot take positive measures to take steps in a better direction. Life is f-ing hard! But if all a person does is think negative and gather with others who reinforce those negative thoughts and feelings then they have little of no hope. You dont empower...you enable.



Correct...being shy may not be a choice but it can be overcome. We are all stronger than our disorders if we choose to be and work hard to get there.

I wasn't insinuating that people shouldn't try, just that people cannot solely "will" themselves better in every circumstance as is so often put forth on the internet.
I believe that if any positive change is going to happen it must be internal motivation coupled with external validation. That latter part is what people seem to have the most trouble acquiring. And it's the thing that makes people slip back into the pit.

I have long since tired of the "life is what you make it" crowd. Oh, they are not totally wrong, we do have some freewill, but they constantly discount so many external variables as they partain to mental health. And then they turn around and cast blame on the sufferer for not thinking the "right" way.

Positive is good because really, what else do we have? However, internet forums tend to lack pragmatism and they usually veer into extremes with random individuals preaching the gospel of positive thinking who usually comes off as being judgey.

 

[HHDisturbed]

Spartan: I sincerely appreciate your reply. Again, you are right. You cannot simply snap your fingers to make our disorders disappear. However I feel that this site all too often becomes a "misery loves company" place that feeds the problem more than helping one another to move in a positive direction. I have a bit of insight into this because my wife happens to be a licenced mental health therapist with 2 masters degrees and 14 years experience helping both children and adults. At times, I am her biggest client. Thank god she doesn't charge me much to lie on my own couch.

All I am saying is that I wish people would be more encouraging, empowering and uplifting rather than being an enabler who only reinforces the negatives. We can all help one another to take those small steps in a positive direction.

 

[ApplePie4Kitty]

I used to go out by myself, but it included a considerable level of intoxication. It doesn't appeal to me anymore, and I'm engaged now and it's awkward when I attract men who are hypnotized by my beauty, regardless of my nasty skin