Should I email her?
- Thread starter skyfish91
- Start date
Hey man, if u do email her, make sure u think about what u want to say. Just be yourself in it; use slang if u want, put a couple of "lol"'s in there. just let her know there were no hard feelings u kno. If u decide not to email her, then hey, there are plenty other fish in the sea. Who knows, u guys might end up meeting with eachother later on and laughing about the situation together. i've been in this exact same position and it just takes time to get over these deep crushes. But its all up to u to take the next step
NothingElseMatters
Well-known member
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I honestly think you should let it go. You have to look at it like this - you've given her every possible opportunity to meet you halfway, and she hasn't. The problem began when you emailed her initially. Because instead of letting something develop in a natural (and unspoken) way in person, your feelings were put out there from day one, making it impossible for any future interactions to be fun and light-hearted in the way they could've been had you kept your thoughts under wraps. Attraction never got a chance to develop. It tends to happen in a situation where there's no pressure - when there's some guesswork involved and spontaneity is allowed to run its course - but by telling her how you felt so early on, you killed the spark and ensured that any dealings with her would be forced and awkward.
It's also an age-problem. You're both young, and young people play a lot of games. But trust me when I say you'll feel like this again with someone else, and it'll be stronger than you ever thought possible. You have to let this go in order to move on and let another door open, so if I were you, I'd try to get over it as soon as you're able.
I guess the thing to remember is that love and attraction don't make any sense. You're infatuated, and are trying to find common ground with her, trying to rationalize why you like her. You're thinking that she should like you back for certain reasons, but it doesn't matter that you're both linguists or both shy, none of that has any bearing on your compatibility or attraction levels. You'd think so, but no. That's why on paper a relationship with her may seem like it makes perfect sense, but relationships are never logical. In any case, try to learn from your mistakes - realize that if she likes you, she'll come to you, or at the very least allow you to get your foot in the door. Understand that you can sometimes boost attraction (by creating situations that naturally promote chemistry), but you can't create it out of nothing. If you can at least take these lessons away from it, then I think the whole thing has served its purpose well enough.
It's also an age-problem. You're both young, and young people play a lot of games. But trust me when I say you'll feel like this again with someone else, and it'll be stronger than you ever thought possible. You have to let this go in order to move on and let another door open, so if I were you, I'd try to get over it as soon as you're able.
I guess the thing to remember is that love and attraction don't make any sense. You're infatuated, and are trying to find common ground with her, trying to rationalize why you like her. You're thinking that she should like you back for certain reasons, but it doesn't matter that you're both linguists or both shy, none of that has any bearing on your compatibility or attraction levels. You'd think so, but no. That's why on paper a relationship with her may seem like it makes perfect sense, but relationships are never logical. In any case, try to learn from your mistakes - realize that if she likes you, she'll come to you, or at the very least allow you to get your foot in the door. Understand that you can sometimes boost attraction (by creating situations that naturally promote chemistry), but you can't create it out of nothing. If you can at least take these lessons away from it, then I think the whole thing has served its purpose well enough.
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this_portrait
Well-known member
I went through a situation that is very very VERY similar to this back in my senior year of high school. I had been talking to this guy in my class via the internet for about two months, and I f*cked up by messaging him on MySpace telling him that I liked him. Had it not been our senior year, I probably would've kept my mouth shut, but I figured if I didn't tell him, then we both would've went off to college and never see each other again. We tried to talk and be friends for months after that, but eventually we lost contact. I haven't even seen him since last summer sometime, driving on the road. I'm sure if either of us ever tried to contact each other, it would be pretty damn awkward.
So I speak from experience when I say that further communication between you and this girl will be hella awkward, though I'm not positive you both won't end up ever communicating again. I mean, you both still have a whole year of high school left, whereas in my situation, it was the last year, and the guy I liked goes to college in Mississippi, which is hella far away from Chicago.
I would just leave her alone, and see what the new year brings. Who knows, maybe she'll approach you.
So I speak from experience when I say that further communication between you and this girl will be hella awkward, though I'm not positive you both won't end up ever communicating again. I mean, you both still have a whole year of high school left, whereas in my situation, it was the last year, and the guy I liked goes to college in Mississippi, which is hella far away from Chicago.
I would just leave her alone, and see what the new year brings. Who knows, maybe she'll approach you.
Forgetmenot_ak
Banned
I'm a girl, I'm 21. I've dated more people than most people who do not have social anxiety (it's odd, yes). I've had guys contact me in all sorts of ways... the internet was used by a few. The girl responded. If she responded and said that she wasn't interested because she didn't find you appealing, that would be one thing, but she responded and said that she would like to get to know you. I've responded in both of those ways: "I just don't like you" and "I'd rather get to know you first". The latter is an invitation for YOU to approach her at school, after school, even on the internet (just explain that you're shy around EVERYONE and that's why you're sending her emails. If that's not something she can understand, screw it). If she said she'd like to be friends, she's not going to make that happen - she expects you to, and with each day that you don't try to make it happen - whether she feels she's into you or not - she'll become progressively less interested and progressively more "rejected".
I say, hell, it's your senior year. It's summer. Send her the message. Ask her if she wants to go to a movie, a party (alcohol can be helpful in small doses), a small gathering even with your friends, a walk, anything! If she doesn't respond and she's definitely read your message, screw that. She isn't worth it. And you'll both have the summer to recover and only a year to suffer (if you suffer at all, that is).
Most importantly, know that YOU are a good person, and this girl is not everything. If she doesn't feel the way that you feel, she is NOT "the one". She might be the one you want, but to be "the one" it must be a mutual deal. It's also important to know your own boundaries - if she's making you work too hard, she could just be one of those girls with a teeny amount of self-esteem who loves knowing that someone is trying to "chase" her (I hate those girls!).
I read your full post. You're intelligent, you're witty, you have a unique writing style that I admire greatly. Someone will see that in you. If this girl doesn't, then - again - screw it. I GUARANTEE, when you go to college you'll meet someone if this doesn't work out for you.
You can send me messages any time and ask me for my thoughts. My male friends all send me messages when they need relationship help - I've been told that I'm helpful.
Go with your gut. If you know you want to write to her but you're too anxious, have a beer. Have a beer and write something. Make it short and casual with a hint of "goofy".
I have to go, but message me any time.
Best of luck!!!
I say, hell, it's your senior year. It's summer. Send her the message. Ask her if she wants to go to a movie, a party (alcohol can be helpful in small doses), a small gathering even with your friends, a walk, anything! If she doesn't respond and she's definitely read your message, screw that. She isn't worth it. And you'll both have the summer to recover and only a year to suffer (if you suffer at all, that is).
Most importantly, know that YOU are a good person, and this girl is not everything. If she doesn't feel the way that you feel, she is NOT "the one". She might be the one you want, but to be "the one" it must be a mutual deal. It's also important to know your own boundaries - if she's making you work too hard, she could just be one of those girls with a teeny amount of self-esteem who loves knowing that someone is trying to "chase" her (I hate those girls!).
I read your full post. You're intelligent, you're witty, you have a unique writing style that I admire greatly. Someone will see that in you. If this girl doesn't, then - again - screw it. I GUARANTEE, when you go to college you'll meet someone if this doesn't work out for you.
You can send me messages any time and ask me for my thoughts. My male friends all send me messages when they need relationship help - I've been told that I'm helpful.
Go with your gut. If you know you want to write to her but you're too anxious, have a beer. Have a beer and write something. Make it short and casual with a hint of "goofy".
I have to go, but message me any time.
Best of luck!!!
Anubis
Well-known member
You see, there's this girl I like. I like only her. We're both in the same grade at our high school, and will be seniors come this September. We first met sophomore year and had one class together. This past school year, our junior year, we had one class together again, and we'll probably be in one if not two classes together this upcoming year. Our last year.
I can't explain why I like her. Sure, we share some common interests. We're both readers and writers, and are both artistic. We're both quiet. We're both shy. But it's deeper than that, you know what I mean?
I was foolish enough to imagine something between us, misinterpreting looks and moments, seeing signs where there weren't any, letting my heart trick my head into really believing she liked me as I secretly liked her. I didn't speak up -- I was too afraid. Finally, impatient with my inability to simply approach her or even start a conversation, I decided to tell her how I felt through writing.
And so, backed by the moral support of a single close friend in whom I confided, I emailed her in early November of 2008, eight months ago. A nervous wreck, I waited for her reply. I'd never had a girlfriend; she'd never had a boyfriend. It would have been something totally new (and probably frightening) for the both of us. But I took the risk. I wanted to be with her. Sending the email was the bravest thing I'd ever done. And the biggest mistake I ever made, as I'd soon find out. About five days later, she wrote back. She apologized for not writing back sooner, as she didn't check her email too often (she said). She said she was surprised that I found her so great (the words she used). But, she said, because she really didn't know me that well, she couldn't feel the same way about me. She said she would like to be friends, and always thought I was nice, and said I should talk to her some time so she could get to know me.
For about a week I was in a numb daze. I felt like I was hovering around my body. Ever since then, I've been suspicious of my intuition. Never before had my "gut" been so far off. She didn't like me as I liked her. Not at all. Sure, it wasn't outright rejection, but when she said she always thought I was "nice", that made my heart sink. Just nice. That's all anyone has ever said about me. That I was a nice guy. A nice quiet guy. Wouldn't hurt a fly. What hurt me the most was learning I really didn't factor into her world. I was just another person. There had been no magic, no secret untold deepness. I became depressed. My fear of talking to her increased tenfold. I was now privately embarrassed and even more shy whenever in the same room with her (which was once every day for 45 minutes). I wrote back to her telling her I was sorry for sending the email and regretted doing so. I said I felt like an idiot. But I also said I would like to be friends. Happy to be friends.
Days passed. I still did not talk. Weeks passed. Winter break came. I emailed her again, telling her again that I was sorry, and I would make it my New Year's resolution to talk. I made a joke about how silly I was, sending these stupid letters. But more days passed once we came back to school. And more. Weeks. Months. She never responded to my second email (either ignoring me, or she really didn't check her email, like she said, which I doubt). I kept putting off talking to her, kept waiting for God knows what. It's not the right time, I told myself. I'm not ready yet. I knew deep down that I would probably never "be ready". I was more embarrassed and shy than before. Petrified, in fact. Every day I hated myself for creating this heavy nervousness between me and her. I could feel it in the classroom every day. Each of us monitoring the other. With every day it would be more difficult and awkward to say anything. So I stopped thinking about it. I tried to forget about her. I began to think that maybe I didn't really "really like" her at all, that it was just like all my other silly infatuations before. I refused and still refuse to believe this. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe I had really startled and confused a poor girl, who's never been with anyone and already has low self esteem about her looks, pouring out my heart in some wild confession, just to never talk to her again. To act like nothing happened. It brought me immeasurable and unbearable pain to think about this, because I knew that this was exactly what I had done. It broke my heart that I did and am doing this. She's still "the one" for me, I told myself. She'd the only girl I ever liked THAT much. Hell, it had been enough to act crazy and break with all my instincts and tell her like that. She was the only girl I ever revealed my heart to.
Before I knew it, the school year was at its close. The last time I saw her before summer break was in the hallway. She passed by slowly and our eyes met. Then, about the same time, we both looked away, and walked by one another. That was it.
Some time ago, I revisited my first email to her. As I read, I began to feel ashamed. I had wrote that? Oh my God . . . . It sounds like a freaking business proposition or something! No wonder it scared her. She probably thinks I'm such a weirdo for not being able to just talk. No one else ever approached her. She never got a boyfriend. Didn't go to junior prom. Both of us remained and remain alone. And I think I may have ruined it all for good. How can I even look her in the face anymore? She must hate me. How can anything real develop naturally now? I look at other couples, people my age. I watch their relationships come and go -- so many, inconsequential. But at least they can start relationships. I can't even talk to the girl I like. I'm so pathetic.
. . . I suppose my only regret -- that is, the only real regret I harbor at all -- is sending that letter. To be honest, I really don't know her that well at all, just as she said about me. But I still feel that connection. It's cooled down now. It has recovered and is somewhat more sane. I'm still as loveshy and nervous as ever. So, my question is, have I shot any chance with her all to pieces? Am I just a kid who doesn't know the difference between a crush and a spark of possible love? I really don't know anymore. I'm currently trying to decide whether or not I should email her one last time, now that it's summer break. One more time. Really, can I do any more damage at this point? So, should I email her? It's just . . . I feel so bad. I want to fix things. To start anew for real, but can I? :
(sorry this was so long)
You gotta have the guts to actually talk to her in person. An e-mail isn't going to do anything. In fact, it may make the situation worse because it makes you look somewhat stalker'ish. So if you're up for it, talk to her in person. If she doesn't budge or you just don't feel like it, don't feel too bad (but learn from this experience). You're about to step into a bigger pond with a significantly bigger reserve of potential mates. It's called college, lol.
I completely forgot about my high school crushes when I became a college freshman.
Scrabbl
1
I've learned through experience that emails are a bad idea when it comes to people I don't know very well. It always ends up creating a lot of awkwardness between us. So I've learned to avoid email when it comes to social stuff.
Yeah, you don't feel as much anxiety sending an email; you can articulate yourself better; have time to think about what you say.. but what does matter if you'll freeze up in a face to face meeting?
Anyway my advice for you skyfish is to move on.. I don't think she's "the one" for €you, even though you seem pretty convinced she is. You don't know her. Her being quiet and shy doesn't really say much about her real personality. But that's the thing with crushes.. I know I tend to create a false, wishful image of the girl I like in my mind. And most of that image is really just a reflection of myself, and I'm just projecting that on her.
Yeah, you don't feel as much anxiety sending an email; you can articulate yourself better; have time to think about what you say.. but what does matter if you'll freeze up in a face to face meeting?
Anyway my advice for you skyfish is to move on.. I don't think she's "the one" for €you, even though you seem pretty convinced she is. You don't know her. Her being quiet and shy doesn't really say much about her real personality. But that's the thing with crushes.. I know I tend to create a false, wishful image of the girl I like in my mind. And most of that image is really just a reflection of myself, and I'm just projecting that on her.
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ArmchairQuarterback
New member
skyfish91, your situation mirrors a similar situation I had a couple of years ago almost to a tee (at least as you described it.) I can honestly say from experience that the best thing to do is to forget emailing her and forget the previous letters you sent. The only way you're going to establish a real relationship with this girl is to talk to her. When school starts, or the next time you see her just nod, wave, or say "hi" or "remember me?" or something of that sort. A simple "how was your summer?" can do wonders sometimes. I think you would get a lot more positive response than sending her an email. If she doesn't want to talk, then you know shes not the one, and can stop wasting your time. Thats the best advice that I can give.
JCS008
Well-known member
Skyfish, you took a difficult step in just letting her know how you truly feel about her. That's definitely not an easy thing to do.
Now, I don't know this girl, and all girls are different, but here's what I think. Maybe she IS NOT attracted to you, or maybe she is. She could possibly want you to speak to her in person. She said "I want to be your friend," which could be a nice way of letting you down or she could be testing you to see if you'd follow through. I really think you need to get in touch with her through a short snappy E-Mail, and ask to meet her in person. Or if that's too stressful for you, then start out small and ask for her number and actually give her a call. She could think you are insincere since you didn't speak to her in person after that. Or she could just flat out think you are angry at her or something. The longer the silence, the more akward it will get between you two.
Luckily, you have one year left in HS to give it a shot. So I say start small man, contact her via phone and speak to her. Let her know you mean what you write.
Now, I don't know this girl, and all girls are different, but here's what I think. Maybe she IS NOT attracted to you, or maybe she is. She could possibly want you to speak to her in person. She said "I want to be your friend," which could be a nice way of letting you down or she could be testing you to see if you'd follow through. I really think you need to get in touch with her through a short snappy E-Mail, and ask to meet her in person. Or if that's too stressful for you, then start out small and ask for her number and actually give her a call. She could think you are insincere since you didn't speak to her in person after that. Or she could just flat out think you are angry at her or something. The longer the silence, the more akward it will get between you two.
Luckily, you have one year left in HS to give it a shot. So I say start small man, contact her via phone and speak to her. Let her know you mean what you write.