EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I've been a lot calmer these last few days, I feel my judgement towards myself and others lessening dramatically, I've gone outside a lot lately, I've gone on a walk, I've been going to the grocery store every day (on a freaking bus!) and I've even hung out with an old friend.. so I began to look back and wonder why.... how did I abolish my expectation without even realizing it? When did this happen? It's crazy weird but I feel like a different person... and I think I know why.
1. I learned to value my happiness.
I've been living for the wrong reasons, I've put logic and my escapism addiction before my own happiness. Written down, this sounds like something I knew all along, but once I accepted that my own happiness is something that should be important to me, I began to WANT company, I want friends. I stopped hating the laughter that comes from groups of ignorant happy people, I stopped telling myself how annoying they were and instead began to accept that I envy it, I want it. With this, I've been teaching myself that it's okay to laugh at things and take things lightly, because living life seriously I now see is sending me to my deathbed. I am realizing that every little thing you do does not set in stone who you are, experimenting and trying different things is the grandest part of life, life is made of experiments! Also, it just makes me seem like i'm willing to explore this life i've been given, because I have a good time doesn't make me guilty of being selfish like I've always thought, it just means that I value my own happiness, which only makes me human.
2. We are all human.
I've let myself get closer to somebody than I ever have been, a place I've been afraid of for a long time, I let somebody know my every thought without lying to them which is a first for me, and I was accepted, it actually felt relieving to be known and understood, I felt like I was finally learning to trust. In the end, I ****ed up the connection, but giving all of myself to somebody is giving up my control, something I fear horribly, knowing that somebody knows what i'm thinking takes away the feeling of being secretive and the threat of comparing whether i'm superior or inferior to others, it takes me away from my own little imaginary world. I have slowly gradually been more truthful with people about what i'm really thinking, about my fears and what I am feeling, and they haven't turned away or began to think that i'm needy and negative, instead they have been trying to help me.. I think also they appreciate that I'm finally letting down a wall that was very obvious to everybody around me, they can see that i'm human. As they start to see me as human, they become less afraid to show their own mistakes, to share their own insecurities with me, and the most superior of figures to me begin to seem just... human, they feel and fear and worry, and most of all they want to help. What's a good man but a bad man's teacher? What's a bad man but a good man's job? These extremes i've created don't exist, I understand that even my idols are simply man.
3. I've lowered my expectations
Here lies the origins of all of my obsessions. It connects to over-caring what people think of me, but I've replaced some of that with realizing my own happiness is more important. It's okay that i'm not perfect, I'm not living for other people anyways. I'm still learning this one.... I used to be too afraid to do the simplest of tasks for fear of two things. 1. I did not feeling like I was being controlled, or that the task was forced upon me (even if by myself) and 2. I am afraid of letting people down, having them realize I am not a supernatural writer or artist, that I'm just human. The first step was fixing the way I thought about these tasks. I was making them out to seem as if they were forced upon me for the satisfaction of others even though they connected to things that I wanted.. so I eliminated the words "should" and "I have to" or "I need to" from my thoughts and language and replaced them with "I want to". (I read this idea from the book "Too Perfect, a very, very helpful book that contributed to this change in thought I've experienced lately) This took a few weeks to get down, and i'm still working on it, but slowly i'm realizing the true meaning of "want" with the sudden realization that my happiness is important AND attainable. This simple change in thinking makes the world seem full of possibilities all over again!
4. I am letting go of guilt.
These two things combined led to my number 3. As I mentioned before, I was never concerned with my happiness but instead the state and the TRUTH of everything else. I was obsessed with pointing others towards their "truth" and controlling other people. This was all a result of my guilt for living, and for being part of the horrible human race, I wanted to turn the human race in the right direction to make up for it. It put expectations on myself, that I would change the world, that I would save the environment, that my happiness could be sacrificed for this purpose. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew these expectations were too much for me and that I could not live up to them, this crushed me and prevented me from trying. I came to see that long as I live the way I wish to, with little environmental impact, and focused on happiness, I won't obsess about the state of the rest of mankind as much. I still want to save the environment, but only because it makes me happy to live with the earth. I no longer feel as strong of a need to control others, because I realize they are not inferior to me, and I no longer want to be the person that changes the world in order to feel equal to those I admire because I realize that the people I admire are not superior to me, either. Also, all "good" leaves room for "bad" and all "bad" leaves room for "good". Thus...
5. Good and bad do not exist.
"If you want to shrink something,
you must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
you must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take something,
you must first allow it to be given."
-Chpt 36 of The Tao Te Ching
I have realized these extreme "right" and "wrong"s, "good" and "bad"s do not exist, because both forces are in perfect balance if you let them take their form, there is no wrong way or answer because there is always balance, and the balance cannot be destroyed. To overcome my extremist thinking, getting into Taoism and reading the Tao Te Ching has helped me a lot.
6. Have a goal
I have also realized that there are places where I will be fully accepted for my ideas. I have a goal destination, and an image in my head of who I want to be. This takes a lot less stress off of the present, knowing that I'm working up to a location where today doesn't matter.
"Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return
Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity"
-Chpt 16
I hope this change continues in me, I feel as if i'm heading on the road to getting out of this. Most of my problems still present themselves, but I am taking them less seriously. I hope somebody can gather at least one helpful tip from these sudden realizations, and I highly encourage the two books I mentioned.
1. I learned to value my happiness.
I've been living for the wrong reasons, I've put logic and my escapism addiction before my own happiness. Written down, this sounds like something I knew all along, but once I accepted that my own happiness is something that should be important to me, I began to WANT company, I want friends. I stopped hating the laughter that comes from groups of ignorant happy people, I stopped telling myself how annoying they were and instead began to accept that I envy it, I want it. With this, I've been teaching myself that it's okay to laugh at things and take things lightly, because living life seriously I now see is sending me to my deathbed. I am realizing that every little thing you do does not set in stone who you are, experimenting and trying different things is the grandest part of life, life is made of experiments! Also, it just makes me seem like i'm willing to explore this life i've been given, because I have a good time doesn't make me guilty of being selfish like I've always thought, it just means that I value my own happiness, which only makes me human.
2. We are all human.
I've let myself get closer to somebody than I ever have been, a place I've been afraid of for a long time, I let somebody know my every thought without lying to them which is a first for me, and I was accepted, it actually felt relieving to be known and understood, I felt like I was finally learning to trust. In the end, I ****ed up the connection, but giving all of myself to somebody is giving up my control, something I fear horribly, knowing that somebody knows what i'm thinking takes away the feeling of being secretive and the threat of comparing whether i'm superior or inferior to others, it takes me away from my own little imaginary world. I have slowly gradually been more truthful with people about what i'm really thinking, about my fears and what I am feeling, and they haven't turned away or began to think that i'm needy and negative, instead they have been trying to help me.. I think also they appreciate that I'm finally letting down a wall that was very obvious to everybody around me, they can see that i'm human. As they start to see me as human, they become less afraid to show their own mistakes, to share their own insecurities with me, and the most superior of figures to me begin to seem just... human, they feel and fear and worry, and most of all they want to help. What's a good man but a bad man's teacher? What's a bad man but a good man's job? These extremes i've created don't exist, I understand that even my idols are simply man.
3. I've lowered my expectations
Here lies the origins of all of my obsessions. It connects to over-caring what people think of me, but I've replaced some of that with realizing my own happiness is more important. It's okay that i'm not perfect, I'm not living for other people anyways. I'm still learning this one.... I used to be too afraid to do the simplest of tasks for fear of two things. 1. I did not feeling like I was being controlled, or that the task was forced upon me (even if by myself) and 2. I am afraid of letting people down, having them realize I am not a supernatural writer or artist, that I'm just human. The first step was fixing the way I thought about these tasks. I was making them out to seem as if they were forced upon me for the satisfaction of others even though they connected to things that I wanted.. so I eliminated the words "should" and "I have to" or "I need to" from my thoughts and language and replaced them with "I want to". (I read this idea from the book "Too Perfect, a very, very helpful book that contributed to this change in thought I've experienced lately) This took a few weeks to get down, and i'm still working on it, but slowly i'm realizing the true meaning of "want" with the sudden realization that my happiness is important AND attainable. This simple change in thinking makes the world seem full of possibilities all over again!
4. I am letting go of guilt.
These two things combined led to my number 3. As I mentioned before, I was never concerned with my happiness but instead the state and the TRUTH of everything else. I was obsessed with pointing others towards their "truth" and controlling other people. This was all a result of my guilt for living, and for being part of the horrible human race, I wanted to turn the human race in the right direction to make up for it. It put expectations on myself, that I would change the world, that I would save the environment, that my happiness could be sacrificed for this purpose. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew these expectations were too much for me and that I could not live up to them, this crushed me and prevented me from trying. I came to see that long as I live the way I wish to, with little environmental impact, and focused on happiness, I won't obsess about the state of the rest of mankind as much. I still want to save the environment, but only because it makes me happy to live with the earth. I no longer feel as strong of a need to control others, because I realize they are not inferior to me, and I no longer want to be the person that changes the world in order to feel equal to those I admire because I realize that the people I admire are not superior to me, either. Also, all "good" leaves room for "bad" and all "bad" leaves room for "good". Thus...
5. Good and bad do not exist.
"If you want to shrink something,
you must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
you must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take something,
you must first allow it to be given."
-Chpt 36 of The Tao Te Ching
I have realized these extreme "right" and "wrong"s, "good" and "bad"s do not exist, because both forces are in perfect balance if you let them take their form, there is no wrong way or answer because there is always balance, and the balance cannot be destroyed. To overcome my extremist thinking, getting into Taoism and reading the Tao Te Ching has helped me a lot.
6. Have a goal
I have also realized that there are places where I will be fully accepted for my ideas. I have a goal destination, and an image in my head of who I want to be. This takes a lot less stress off of the present, knowing that I'm working up to a location where today doesn't matter.
"Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return
Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity"
-Chpt 16
I hope this change continues in me, I feel as if i'm heading on the road to getting out of this. Most of my problems still present themselves, but I am taking them less seriously. I hope somebody can gather at least one helpful tip from these sudden realizations, and I highly encourage the two books I mentioned.
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