Sexual anxiety

[upndwn]

So I've always been pretty insecure about my own sexuality. The girls I've been with have been less than inspiring in the sack, and I can't say I have done much to encourage them, although I feel I have done the best I can. It is kind of hard to please someone when they don't give any signs of what they want. It's been several months since I've been with someone, but earlier this night I found myself in bed with a good friend I have known for years. There has never been any feelings between us and tonight's escapade started as a friendly jest, but one thing lead to another.

But when the deed was done she told me that I was less than adequate and gave me some pointers about how I should improve in bed. No girl I have ever been with has ever criticized my performance and my relatively poor self-esteem got a serious blow. I have no idea how to cope with this. I am left stunned. I have trouble enough with women, now I will forever think I'm useless in bed. I'm 33 and I've slept with six different girls, but I can't really say I've ever had a good sexual experience. Mediocre yes, but never really good. I have no idea what's wrong, no one has said anything before now, but now I think the problem might be with me. Does anyone here have any similar experiences? I have no idea how I could ever be with a woman now.

 

[SM1010]

Don't have any advice for you man.

My sexual anxiety prevents me from making sexual advances on women, thus not even getting to the sex part.

 

[Porto]

I got some pretty good experience with girls, long term relationships...and short-short term relations, one night stand for other words...might say just become issue on my head when I start with SA and Depression, that can blow your seld-esteem till the point u loose you sex drive...most of part cause u feel the pression of a good performance as like that would be the most important thing. For start if someone get to much importance of your performance, is there just for the sex....and one thing u said, u had 6...and just one complains....kind of weird no? Maybe she's complain of herself on you...and that happens a lot!

And give some points how to improve...that's not even normal to start, is her a sex teacher? Everyone is different...but I would love to know what did she said that u can't do!

[Moderator note: offensive comment removed]

That would be a quite of a performance!

 

[upndwn]

Thank you for your support Porto, she probably was to needy *LOL*. I'm not the most experienced guy when it comes to these sorts of things so I guess I just got shocked by her honesty.

It's probably like everything else in life. If you fail the first time, try again. Unlike most other things though, sex is kind of private and intimate and I guess I took it kind of personal.

 

[MikeyC]

Mate, I think it's best that you found out. If you think you're inexperienced, now you can practice getting better. Practice is awesome, by the way.

In 2009 I kissed a friend of mine and she told me in a round-about way that I was not a good kisser. I knew I wasn't, considering that was my first kiss in 5 years, and her honesty was actually refreshing. I think I'm a little better these days, but I haven't kissed anyone in 5 months and I could get worse quickly. Who knows.

I'm a virgin so I know I'll be a terrible lay when it comes to it, but hopefully I can practice a few times. At the age of 25 it might be getting a bit late to start practicing, though.

 

[upndwn]

Hey, don't sweat it. I have friends who are 30, attractive people with steady lives and jobs, but they still haven't had sex. It's more common than you think. When my first sexual relationship ended when I was 19 it took me five years before I had sex again, and that was in a drunken haze at a hotel, nothing memorable.

I realize now that I might come out as somewhat bragging in this thread, but that was not my intention so apologize. I realize that I'm a sexual klutz, but the truth still hurts. I guess if it had come from a total stranger it wouldn't bother me so much, but the girl in question is a good friend so it kind of jeopardizes my trust for her.

How is it that a guy who almost never gets laid regrets it half of the time?

 

[MikeyC]

I realize now that I might come out as somewhat bragging in this thread, but that was not my intention so apologize.

You're certainly not bragging. I think telling us you're bad in bed is the opposite of bragging. ::

I guess if it had come from a total stranger it wouldn't bother me so much, but the girl in question is a good friend so it kind of jeopardizes my trust for her.

Wouldn't her telling the truth, no matter how hard it is, have the opposite effect? It should increase your trust for her.

How is it that a guy who almost never gets laid regrets it half of the time?

I think it's because you haven't really been truly satisfied yet. With more practice you won't regret it.

 

[MikeyC]

y'know, i thought i was the worst kisser for the longest time. i'd kissed two guys before i met my ex boyfriend, and i didn't really enjoy kissing them (even though i was attracted to them) and i could tell that they weren't really into kissing me. but... everything changed when i met my ex. kissing suddenly became my favorite thing ever. and he thought i was a good kisser. i think it's about finding the right person with a compatible kissing technique + adequate chemistry. well, that's what happened to me. and i think the same will happen to you. i'm sure you're not a bad kisser at all.

Well, thank you. I actually enjoyed kissing that girl, but maybe I'm just lousy! Haha. My ex never complained, so maybe I've gotten better since then.

I'm glad you found kissing to be the best. I really like it, too, but I don't get to do it often. ::

 

[Kinetik]

I think she's feeling vulnerable about having gone all the way with you. I've noticed that a lot of women have a hard time with no-strings sex. It can make a person feel awkward and want to preemptively lash out before the repercussions of what they've done sink in. In this instance, she's quite likely ruined a friendship (with you) and it sounds like it's not sitting so well with her. Of course, it's possible that you were never as close as you say you were, in which case, the flimsy nature of your relationship would put her at liberty to be so judgmental of you.

As for your performance, don't worry about it. It's easy to criticize your partner when you're just laying there. All it means is that she's not the one for you - which you knew anyway. As soon as you're with the right person, it all works out automatically.

 

[guyonthecouch]

If you really thought she was being honest about your much needed improvements, then you should just take it all in for what it was... advice. I think most people would probably not say anything and just turn around and say it to themselves. But you should really think about what her motives are. Maybe she thought if your friendship could be open enough for sex, then it would probably be open enough for sexual advice. You should probably ask her for a rematch and tell her to be specific with her advice. And thank her for her input. You WANT to know what you are doing wrong before your next chance!

 

[megalon]

It doesn't sound like she meant to be insulting. I think it was just constructive criticism and she was trying to help you improve. If the time ever arrives that I sleep with a women, I would want her to be honest with me like that.

 

[Jamovik]

So I've always been pretty insecure about my own sexuality. The girls I've been with have been less than inspiring in the sack, and I can't say I have done much to encourage them, although I feel I have done the best I can. It is kind of hard to please someone when they don't give any signs of what they want. It's been several months since I've been with someone, but earlier this night I found myself in bed with a good friend I have known for years. There has never been any feelings between us and tonight's escapade started as a friendly jest, but one thing lead to another.

But when the deed was done she told me that I was less than adequate and gave me some pointers about how I should improve in bed. No girl I have ever been with has ever criticized my performance and my relatively poor self-esteem got a serious blow. I have no idea how to cope with this. I am left stunned. I have trouble enough with women, now I will forever think I'm useless in bed. I'm 33 and I've slept with six different girls, but I can't really say I've ever had a good sexual experience. Mediocre yes, but never really good. I have no idea what's wrong, no one has said anything before now, but now I think the problem might be with me. Does anyone here have any similar experiences? I have no idea how I could ever be with a woman now.

How old have the girls been? Sex involves two people - you have done your half, she must do hers.

And communication is key. Nothing wrong with her trying to help *your* sex life (as in you and her).

 

[NP88]

Sex for me is an amazing thing when it happens. Its the ultimate culmination of everything I want in life. Love, compassion, closeness, fearlessness, sensation, etc. It instills a joy within me that could never compare. Though between periods of unintentional abstinence and extreme fear of the act I always feel that I can never achieve that which I most enjoy in life. A very defeating attitude.

To contribute to this thread though I would say that the best thing for you would be a long term sex partner. It's not that you arent capable its that you simply havent had the chance to explore a women's body completely. It's like a vibe you must be in tune with. I say this without any judgement. Im pretty much never get sex unless Im drunk or have a long term girlfriend (not often) but I digress. Sex is a learned thing, just like anything else but predominantly I think it all depends on the 'vibe' between you two. The more you are able to connect with the other person on that level the better you will be in the sac. So basically, anxiety towards closeness pretty much kills it. Something Ive personally seen time and time again. Hope this post wasnt a complete waste of your time : /

 

[HH]

Sex for me seems to be something so far in the distance it might as well be on Mars, I have no idea how its come to this ::

I don't think this girl was being mean upndwn...take any advice you can get

 

[SilverSky]

A lot of men complain about not knowing what a woman wants, maybe she was just trying to be honest but sounds like she was super abrupt about it. There are way better ways to tell someone what you like in bed rather than insulting them. It's better to say "It is so hot when you kiss me like this" rather than "you're not a good kisser" for example, so I think she is tactless for bringing down your self esteem. If she didn't intend to keep sleeping with you, she shouldn't have said anything at all, it's not her place to criticize you.

Just my opinion as a women though. I could always be wrong.

 

[elek2ronik]

Yes, I get anxiety if I don't get any sexual action.

 

[OceanMist]

For me it's religious belief, I think your soul-mate will give you the perfect sex. Problems with sexual chemistry come from not having the right partner in my opinion.

I had sex with a woman that I wasn't even attracted to and probably had more problems than you did.

I didn't like her as a person and I didn't like her in the sack. It felt good a lot of the time, but it was obvious we weren't meant to be together. I realized how vital it is to get to know your partner and be truly attracted to them.

 

[kilojoule]

hmm sex is bad if there's no chemistry. It's bad for both parties if there's no chemistry. OP you didn't mention having a mindblowingly good experience in this either, I think she very much over-looked that!.....I think op should text this girl some pointers, see how she likes that, the wagon. Really it has nothing to do with your performance but rather that you guys just weren't really into each other, which makes perfect sense because you're friends.

Guys do not worry about being bad in bed. Don't get into bed with someone if there's no chemistry and it won't be a problem. You'll know if there's chemistry and if there's chemistry it won't be bad for anyone.

 

[Etbow23]

For me it's religious belief, I think your soul-mate will give you the perfect sex. Problems with sexual chemistry come from not having the right partner in my opinion.

I had sex with a woman that I wasn't even attracted to and probably had more problems than you did.

I didn't like her as a person and I didn't like her in the sack. It felt good a lot of the time, but it was obvious we weren't meant to be together. I realized how vital it is to get to know your partner and be truly attracted to them.

Even though I'm not religious, I do believe that sex is best when the two partners are in a loving relationship. The chemistry has to be there.

I wouldn't worry about what she said, she was probably just trying to be helpful, since you guys are friends.

Of course I know how you feel. I would be very upset and full of anxiety if someone who I slept with said that to me. I would feel really inadequate. I think it's never appropriate to tell someone they're not good at it, that's really mean. Instead, if it's long term partners, they should indicate what they want and see if their partner is comfortable with it or whatever.

Maybe your friend is just a really outspoken, brash type personality.

 

[MikeyC]

Guys do not worry about being bad in bed.

Funny, because when I eventually have sex this'll be one of the only things I will worry about. ::