Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time

[Hottie]

OH NO...

I just said the wrong thing to one family member of my next door neighbours. I was at a wake just ther and my nerves are gone. I cant deal with the intensity of things like that. Just looking at her in the coffin shook me up. I had the shakes and went over to her daughter and said first "im really sorry", hugged her, then said " i dont know how you deal with this", and hugged her again. i made her start to cry as i was starting to cry myself.

What person says "i dont know how you deal with this..."? I will not be able to let this go. I was so not fully with it that the shock and nerves took over and i couldnt think...

My mind is going to remember this and i will not get any sleep tonight as i will be dwelling on what ive just said. Why do i say stupid things? Why do i make things worse? Why couldnt i have just said "im sorry" or "condolenses"? Im a ejit....and there going to remember what i said...

 

[Hottie]

Sh!t i really cant stop thinking about this. I thought writing the first post would get it out of me but i cant stop thinking about what ive just said. Im a fool who just said the wrong thing.

People tried to comfort me saying ah their not going to remember but i remember and i made things worse. The duaghter was holding herself together and i couldnt even hold myself together.

Im proud i went in but im not proud of what i said. Aww why did i have to say that one simple line. If i just didnt say that id be grand - but becaue i did im not grand. It was a really good day today anxiety wise and now this will put me on a downer for the night. I dont even think sleep will make me forget about it. Ive a feeling for the next week i will thinking of this.

R.I.P. Margret H.
& and to the family, i am truely sorry for your loss...

 

[Hottie]

please please stop dwelling on it.........their not going to remember. Dont feel bad...you paid your respects and tomorrow is the funeral you can say something different to the family then. Im so worked up over this...but im going to try and forget about it...ahh im already thinking about it....please stop thinking..................

Why though couldnt i have just left out that simple saying? Because im a fool and fools say foolish things.

Right thats it im done venting.... for now!

 

[coyote]

I don't think you said anything wrong, Hottie

nothing in your comment was unfeeling or unkind

Actually, you may have done some good - perhaps you gave her the catharsis she needed for her feelings to surface and give her a good cry

don't worry about it too much

 

[Aussie_Lad]

What you said probably had little influence anyway because emotions can be contagious and she was probably reacting to this rather than what you said. Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting your emotions show in such a situation. It is almost expected at such an occasion to have a few tears going around the room. This is a part of being a normal healthy, compassionate, and loving human being.

 

[mmmm]

Hottie, have you ever lost anyone close to you? If you have, you will know how grating it is to hear the good old trite classics like "condolences", "sorry", "she's at peace" and my personal favourite;"These things happen for a reason." What you said was sincere, instead of coming straight out of the BS can, which, if it was me, would go a long way. Besides that, the hug was probably worth more to her than a bunch of babble that she probably won't remember five minutes later anyway. Your SA is lying to you by telling you you made her cry. Come on! Her mother has just died but the one thing on this planet will make her cry is someone saying the "wrong thing"???? ( again, there is nothing wrong with what you said). Tell your SA to CAN IT!

 

[Hottie]

Thanks everyone,
didnt expect anyone to actully reply. I just wanted to try and let it out of my system...

Im not thinking about it that much really anymore. The scanario does pop into my head though. My SA and obsessional thinking can get the better of me sometimes. I get flashbacks and the feelings come with it.

I have come to the conclusion that what i said wont really make a difference and they will be so much in grief they wont remember. Plus im trying to say to myself that i brought out emotion which is good.

 

[Feathers]

Totally agree with mmm!!

My Granny has died recently and I don't really remember anything anybody said, or just a few lines now and then, nothing really, I just really appreciate that those that showed up, did. And it was a mix of crying and holding oneself together all the time anyway...
Mum cried anytime anyone expressed condolences, or when she had to notify people, live or on phone too.. We cried when talking about something that made us 'remember'.. We could chat about other stuff inbetween, but then remember something and it was 'weee' /tears all over/ again... So, she will cry many times again, and no matter what anyone else says, from own memories and recollections etc. It's good to cry sometimes.. Better than just holding it all in and developing ulcers or such. (Often, there is a mix of guilt or shock or misery or related feelings too, just lumped beside..)

Thought we were allright with things, but yesterday as we were sorta clearing her flat, so many times, the tears just came again.. When someone said something, or we found something tear-breaking, etc.

It's normal to cry at funerals or such. It's normal to be shocked, especially if it was unexpected. People appreciate those who care too!!
It's soo much easier to talk later, than to someone, who you don't know if they know, if they care, etc. You showed you care and I'm proud of you for expressing your feelings and showing support!! And you can be proud of yourself too!! (Funerals and such scare me and I try to stay away if possible..)
If it was unexpected nobody really knows what's 'appropriate' and yup, genuiness is muchly appreciated!!
All they are going to remember, is you going there and the hug, and the fact that you care... ((hug))

 

[Hottie]

Thanks Feathers,

I think today at the funeral things have been put it into perspective for me - A woman has died and here am i obsessing about one line i said.

{{{Sorry to hear about your granny. Hope you are okay...}}}

Take Care

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I really don't see anything wrong with what you said.

 

[Hottie]

I really don't see anything wrong with what you said.

Thanks...

i suppose there wasnt really anything wrong with what i said but it was as well how i couldnt hold myself together... Think there was just so much feelings/emotions/nerves involved i couldnt think straight. and i guess im just a worrier !!

I was just trying to get it out of my system and move on but the obessional thinking was holding me back.

Ive come to realise that im worrying about something i said...when a lovely woman has passed away. Who cares what ive said......