Sassy's journal : Welcome to Weird Life.

[Falkor]

Hi there, here is my official blog...
I'll write blogs every now and then, when I have time and inspiration. ;
Thank you !

Sunday Night 3 am! hehe i'm still hyper active... I need sandman.:/

Staying up to late.. it's almost 3 am... Still working and listening to music.

And now I realise that tomorrow it will be xmas so everybody will sing xmas songs.. well, that';s how I imagine it right now. Maybe their in coma too in the morning... I will be. lol.

Quand le soleil dit bonjour aux montagnes
Et que la nuit rencontre le jour :]

Hello dear world,

It's almost me in the dawn, and I should get really get to bed...

But I had a good day though, a lovely one I would suppose.
I might be seeming weird now, but my family did have some issues today and were struggling with probs,and they didn't seem really happy but I kept my focus for the good of Xmas and better times. I love them so much that I wish everything could get better and better. That's within my heart, but I can't change the fact that it's like this for now. And I know there will be always sunshine after dark, right?!. Also after rain, but darkness too. And that's where i'm findind myself now, in the dark night, but still the sun is shining right in my mind, we'll all have it right in the pocket, only need to use it.... It's right there, only when you can feel it.

In the past i really couldn't, but things are getting brigther. Maybe I just feel a little extase because I was listening to YMCA on my mp3 player, lol. But those songs can really boost me up. And I was checking out a cool singer called Paul Turner from TVOH. it's a dutch television but he's american, awesome.... He is totally himself and I respect him so much. ::
and a great entertainer , also.

So yeah, xmas tomorrow, I really don't know what's going to be happening. I know we're going to gourmet though, but I'm always suprised everyday.
Mostly the way I feel since i'm very bipolarish, but also with exciting days like these.

I will let you know in my next blog, and I'll also post a few of my poems, new lyrics of songs and vids when i can.

So ,about the night owl thing.... Being up so late still hahaa.

I mean Im at home now, but when I'm at my love she is just a coma patient in the morning just as I am and were owls, so... But the problem is, here in my family home they're all nocturnal birds but in the morning their ringling bells, belling the jingles and making sounds like big rats. EEK hahaa.

But today they didn't woke me up at all, they were so quiet that I slept till 1 pm. OMG. I'm such a night owl .... I will have to take care of that. ::
But i guess it's not just as wrong as my percieviour, I guess a lot of people are going out tonight and I'm just relaxing... So, It's not that bad... :]


Hell yeah, I'm goign to bed now and will write on later.... Hope it makes any sense, since I'm a subject rowler. LOL

Oh and I will be also describing my favourite songs which are very suitable for Social phobe mindsets. Nothing wrong with that at all and that's why I want to give it a publishment, I mean we're all the same. However we feel, still human. SA doesn't make us an ALIEN, a RAT, a BUNNY, a CHICKEN, a COW.. (even though I SURE AM a stupid cowardice sometime:')) no we're still a girl, boy, even if you're madonna for god sakes, you would be cool as hell. So are YOU ALL!^^

And remember, you're weird on your own way, being weird is cool. Weird is outstanding baby! Don't be normal. That IS WEIRD. ;p

And I want to give SPV a big hug! He's a great pal. we're gonna send eachother a Xmas card, isn't that wonderful? He's a great friend of SPW and such a good friend on the chat. thank you dear. and BA7EBAK & YOU'RE ESTHA FRIEND, salam. ^^

And Feathers, you're the most brilliant advisor here on SPW. You should become an online counselor hahaha. And you're real fun too.

ShyKiwi, vrolijk kerstfeest ^^

And to all the others, have good days

Happy Xmas everybody!!

saluer,
Mme la fleur

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad you've made so many friends here, Saskia. I like you, too.

I find it hard to believe you're a "stupid coward," though. Sounds quite harsh on yourself!

Have a good sleep.

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

Sounds like you're doing well.

Let us all be weird together.

Sweet dreams

 

[SPV]

Thanks Saskia :: what a lovely blog. I hope you make the most out of this very special day, and spend it with everyone you love. I'm sure the problems with your family will eventually get better no doubt, just keep smiling. don't let other things distract you.

Oh and I'm so looking forward to your christmas gift. Can't hardly wait!

Happy holidays! ((((hugs)))) <3

What's Estha? lol

 

[Srijita52]

Nice blog Sassy I'm glad you decided to start one. Good to see you're having a nice time. Merry Christmas!

 

[Falkor]

Thank you fellow Weirdows!

I will write more tomorrow. I will wake up pretty late I'd guess. Since it's time to close this notebook anyway. So I will have a good night rest now and I'll write some new stuff tomorrow. Have a lot of things to tell ya about ups and downs.

Here's a new video anyway so I can still share somethign at least;

An Online CBT review

ONLINE CBT REVIEW - YouTube

You can do this online course for free at MOODGYM.COM
I really find it nice, although it might not he the solution but still fun to try and good to find information and some people might actually find it helpful quite good! I do.


And a total different video, not about SA though.. But I do tell a little facts about SA in it.. I always do.. since I want to always have at least some thingy in my video about SP... Since it's my life.. basically. ::

Borderline - What is it like? - YouTube

It's about Mood swings and how I deal with them and also what it's like.
and also how borderline people deal with heavy emotions.

It's not specific about borderliners, I mean.. It's just the feeling described. I bet a lot of unstable people (I'm sorry, it's what I call it) can relate to that feeling. So BPS or not, it's just a label. I talk on my own perspective, wether it's called anything. Even if it's called alienDisorder, I'm still me and I bet i'm not the only alien out there. ::

Good night.

-SPV , your Xmas card will be arrived soon.... within 9 days the postal office told me, so it will be there on Friday or Monday I think.... Hope you will like it.
Estha means cool in Arabic. Or maybe it's egyptian, but at least I speak clear ba7ebek and salam.. LOL. I guess there are differences between those two. lol. Thanks, I'll try to keep a smile up.


-MikeyC THanks for your reply. I like you too, you're a nice friend on SPW. Like your posts and you're so kind. Oh and yeah, I'm harsh on myself, I know i should do less, its a little hard to do. but I have to try more so it'll get easier for me.

@Srijita: Thank you dear. I hope you had a wonderful Xmas yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjJOUOnBEYM a new song i wanted to sing so bad. it's my favourite song.

Good night, again. XD (late writer, I'll write tomorrow at a normal time.)

 

[MikeyC]

-MikeyC THanks for your reply. I like you too, you're a nice friend on SPW. Like your posts and you're so kind. Oh and yeah, I'm harsh on myself, I know i should do less, its a little hard to do. but I have to try more so it'll get easier for me.

You're way too harsh on yourself. You're awesome and you should know that!

Thanks, I try to be kind.

Goodnight, Sassy. Have an awesome sleep!

 

[da_illest101]

I tried moodgym.com and it give me a broken link
is it MoodGYM: Welcome instead?

 

[Porto]

Thank you fellow Weirdows!


ONLINE CBT REVIEW - YouTube

Norah Jones - Turn Me On by Saskia Bloem - YouTube a new song i wanted to sing so bad. it's my favourite song.

Good night, again. XD (late writer, I'll write tomorrow at a normal time.)

Congratulations for the video and your courage to make it public : ) I've been having some sound problems on my pc so some parts I can't get : ( But I promisse I'll come back with more time to see it again! Btw u look very positive and hot, u should know it eheh : )

 

[Falkor]

Hi Everyone, here's a new blog.

So today has been a long day. I've had some good moments but more likely being depressed and having a breakdown. :: I didn't want it to happen but it did happen. Madness between me and parents and now the peace has returned. I just was very frustrated and this will definitely kick in between us. No details, because it makes no sense anyway.

So I just cycled around town and have been relaxing in the rain, I kinda liked it that way. No people around, just fresh air and just me staring at the sky.

I guess it's just a parents daughter thing isn't it? It's fine. It's not like a shame. We all have those bich fights sometimes. I just feel a lot due to emotions but I just realise it happens everywhere. Not just me. No blame to me, or parents. Just a matter of life.

Still my emotions are sky high, but I'll make them more Neutral. Away from the emotional rollercoaster, that's what I want.

Annyway, later on I just got back into the house again, like I do. And I just meditated a long while and have been talking to some friends. and my therapist wrote me a long email. that's real kind of her. She wants to talk to me tomorrow morning. Because she sees my struggles and she thinks I seriously need to talk to her and she will now help me out for the better, she will call me back directly instead of waiting 2 hours. (that's the normal case with telephone therapy, but she think i seriously need it.)

So I'm really thankful to her and I hope it will help.

I will go take a bath and stay there for an hour to exhale all the CO2 in my lunghs. Lol. I wish you all a good day and hopefully it's a better one, with good stuff happening and not so much of a stressy day.

I did have a nice dinner though, chicken with a nice sauce. we all enjoyed it. I guess that helped us too. ::

Oh well, I'll write more tomorrow. Since I'll be going to a walmart tomorrow checking out decorations for my room to make it a more positive atmosphere. Yea, I'm like that. I like to make it as positive at least!!

I did have a funny phone call with a friend though, I didn't speak to him for like 1 year and I was friggin' nervous. And I told him i was doing fine, that i found love, college, and everything. but he was okay cuz he found love too and just closed the phone with her and his phone rang again. but also he wasn't doing so well. cuz his mr willy wasn't able to pee. :: I laughed a lo People are always so open to me. xD I guess they know I can laugh about silly things. But still it's so weird that it made me giggle more times after. Oh well, Why shouldn't i feel comfortable with a phone call, if other people are totally not ashamed, pfff.. hahaha

Oh and I'll be trying out Prozac tonight! Will keep a journal in this one too about Prozac... I will make a different cattegory in this topique for Prozac. So I'll let you guys know..... I'll be totally mind full, about how it processes and how it feels, if it works. to also help other people know what Prozac is like!

I'll be aware for the good!

Gonna take a deep breath now....

Hugsssszz

 

[Falkor]

I tried moodgym.com and it give me a broken link
is it MoodGYM: Welcome instead?

Yea it is. Thanks for referring us to the right link. Hope you like the mood gym. I find it quite interesting. ::

 

[Falkor]

Congratulations for the video and your courage to make it public : ) I've been having some sound problems on my pc so some parts I can't get : ( But I promisse I'll come back with more time to see it again! Btw u look very positive and hot, u should know it eheh : )

Thanks. I always hesitate to make videos public. Mostly of them I'd rather never put on YouTube. I just put one video on in two months basically. Also due to college studying. Oh and thanks for the compliment about my atitude, I'm glad I seem positive, mostly I make vids when I do feel like that. Want to give people the right support through youtube. When I feel good I'm better at giving advice and talk about things more rationally and concrete. And I'm glad you think I look good, even though I was pretty tired in the vids.

That's okay, maybe it's just the video quality. more people have been calling complaints, so I guess I have to get the bugs out of the vids. I'll get a Fly Swatter next time.

 

[Falkor]

Hi Everybody!

Here's a new blog in the evening at 10 PM. I try out a different colour since Red might be a little too much?? But at least Purple is a wonderful colour which stands for anti discrimination and respect. and also support for the different people.

But also red gives me a warm feeling, but this one will be purple.


I just want to write a little blog about the Prozac.
I took it for about 45 minutes ago and I feel a little difference.
My body seems more relaxed and less pressured.
I really can't believe that my body is reacting so fast.
But I guess it's a good sign (???)

I really like the calm feeling I feel now. and I feel a lot of positive, I just started singing while I was feeling depressed all day! (oh well, after taking a bath I felt more at peace and I was relaxing a long while. Still pretty nervous and stressed but less! and now it's totally breaking free. Yeah!)

I hope my hope (hehe) is not too big. But It's a nice feeling though.

I hope this is not just a beginning sign, I hope the feeling will stay and get more.

So, the first Prozac day is going fine. Hopefully I will feel good tomorrow but I can't expect no panic attacks or anything like I always have been dealing with, ofc it would be the perfect dream. I'm a dreamer so yeah. Don't blame me for overreacting or just say using my imagination

I'll write a new blog about the trip to the HUGE walmart tomorrow.
I think I will be nervous like always, but we'll see if I can prevent it with Prozac more likely. And I might make a vlog at the car or sumthing.

My therapist will be calling me tomorrow at 9 AM. She wants to talk about my mood swings and emotional pain and body stress, I hope we have a good talk. I'll inform you guys.

Thanks all. And I don't know, but Eristelle has a lovely blog. It's very touching and heartbreaking though but she's a very strong woman check her blog out ppl. She needs support. http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/memoirs-of-the-unfathomable-soul-37162/

 

[MikeyC]

Glad the Prozac is working for you. Going to the massive Wal-Mart would be an experience, especially if it's crowded, but hopefully it'll be relaxing for you.

Absolutely speak to your therapist, as well. That is a great thing she's doing by calling you, so talk to her as much as possible.

 

[Moa]

Glad your experience with Prozac is going well! I know how nerve wracking it can be to start new medication.

I tried to watch your video but I had trouble with the sound too. Maybe it didn't record properly?

 

[Feathers]

Hey Saskia,

Woo, you got a journal now too! Very COOL!

Thank you for the shout out haha, I wonder if they get paid well?

It's great you went cycling!! Movement and exercise is very beneficial & helpful!!
A friend told me that when her boyfriend got depressed, she sent him cycling!

It's good your therapist has been supportive... Maybe it's also good to tell her when you are feeling good/better already, and what natural things (like cycling or exercise/walks/food..) have helped you too...
We 'highly sensitive' people can sometimes have 'extreme reactions' and other people might get 'scared' that it might actually be worse than it is sometimes... So if you already managed to calm down you can tell her in e-mail/by phone etc.
Do you still have a support group or support team too?

Sometimes it can also be related to weather or nutrition (or 'that time of month' for us women), maybe observe yourself?

hm, Prozac. You know I am sceptical of drugs and prefer to try to get better with natural means... If really needed, they might be okay for a short time, then decreased gradually.
If you read about it, they say to stay away from alcohol!! Some people online say they had problems with caffeine too, so maybe watch yourself and stop caffeine if needed too... (Double check with your counsellor, of course!)

It's good you're keeping a journal of how you feel! If you might be getting worse, tell your counsellor - maybe she can adjust/minimise dose, or such?

Yeah, my parents went a bit 'crazy' around holidays too, and 'had to buy a new car' (don't ask!) I just try to ignore them if it's something irrational, it helped to tell them how I felt during the holidays too, and that many people felt that way... It helps to tell them what I have been trying to do too - maybe you could tell them what successes you had at school, new things you learnt etc?

It is normal to have some quarrels with parents, you're a teenager! People who like each other argue if they have different views or priorities (or if just cranky or hungry!!) Maybe you can keep a journal of arguments too? I was planning to start it and then forgot about it! So thanks for reminding me!

Sometimes situations can be planned and quarrels avoided... Maybe you guys can have a 'weekly menu' or cook something the day before, if quarrels might happen around lunchtime etc? (Or could you eat at school cafeteria, with friends?)

Didn't know you have Walmart in the Netherlands too??!! This is crazy!! lol!
I don't like big shops and prefer to support small shops anyway! Do you have any lovely small shops with healthy food or farmer's market with eco food?

Take care & wishing you many successes at school and in personal life!

 

[Falkor]

January 13th 2012 Friday, weekend baaaaby and some good luck today, on yup.. Friday 13th !

This time with a new journal. A read. I hope it helps. I just thought about this, and it might be a good thing to think about.

The failure in Social Phobia. ::
Claim: No offence at all. Failure is not what we make. Failure is what we think we go through. So, this is the journal entitled to, in a good way of view to think of(f).

First statement
*Social Phobia doesn't have you, you have Social Phobia, you only need to send him far away with the homing pigeon wherever he wants to go. Not with me.

*Or place him in a cage, remember. you want to fly. A bird shouldn't be locked up in a stupid cage. A bird flies! So we only need to learn to fly and open that damn door and put that damn bastard in the cage and let him know what we must go through , damned fear. I wanna be free.

*Or just let out a cucumber at the streets just like you are walking with your dog in the park. Just see how people react, that it's not weird at all. Maybe a little out standing, but still, people will laugh and like your sense of humour, and it will make you realise, without this stupid action, you look so much less weird that you are more serious and have a good brain to function what is normal and what not.

*Go drink a beer and party the social phobia dance. The awkward robot dance, who cares. I'm a robot. I can dance!

Ok now serious...






*We are negative self thinkers
*We expect the worse things happening before we even go and face it
*We don't think we'll be able to manage things...
*We think we run out everytime and be afraid.

So it's all based on failure, fail moments. Thinking you can't go.
Making up ''excuses'' to just stay at home. I'm just saying.
It's no excuse since we have a serious disorder. So I don't like to put it like that.
But if we keep doing this and that, we'll never have our belief in that we actually can do more than we can.

Let me analyse the few points i've mentioned;
Negative self thinking:

would be one of the greatest things to turn around as the perfect treatment. Working on personal growth and hapiness from loving yourself and don't harm yourself with negative thoughts. Be a good friend to yourself would make you much more comfortable in your skin, and hope this would reflect in a situation, as well.

Remember, neg. thinking is a harm, believe me. You are in a true hurt by acting like this in mind, you keep blaming, hurting yourself by thinking it's all your fault, you will never be the person you want to be (Cured SP, or something like that) YOu won't ever find this and that... Believe me, if you keep this in your mind. You will still keep the pattern of fail in mind and process it on and on in real life.

You know? It's just an illution. I want to be cured. What is cured?? You won't get a certificate for that! Don't seek for illusions. Maybe life is an illusion even? Live that dream and make them all come true. And you don't need a cure for this, if you really beat the fear right and face what you wish for. I know it's terrifying and it take guts to shake off that anxiety, but if you keep on going, you will release pressure.

A tip for you all:
If you go to work/college, and freak out and want to go straight back to home. DON'T. Step out of that damn car, bus, train, bike and sit at a bench. Take some deep breaths. Inhale, Exhale more. Listen to audio Dharma, or listen to lyrics you can relate to, or something silly like YMC. I don't know. It always makes my mood go more uplifting or something like ''Sni Sna Schnappi das kleine krokodil'' Or ''Bohemian Rapsody'' But I would recommend ''DON'T STOP ME NOW. '' by queen. So.... but to not get off topic, just sit at that bench or keep walking outside until you feel more at ease and calm. So you are still in that area of space so you can get there eventually. Don't freak out, just tell them why, or indeed. an excuse. But still you got there, that's what counts FOR YOU. (they do not know what you go through, so who cares, you did it, man!)

Now it's time to turn it around and say, let's make a turn around and not expect this. I know it's hard and frustrating, but it's a better way of living.

And real love, comes from the heart. Love yourself truly, as much as you can. Wether you call yourself ugly, better call yourself, average. If you don't think you're less good looking, just say that. To reduce the pain of ugliness. I know that wouldn't help bits so I will keep writing and will write another one about this subject in specific.

We expect the worst things happening:
What if this, What if that. What if I would get a panic attack? A very common one. What if I would get that anxiety boost again? What if I mess it up? What If I feel comfortable, how to run away?

The best way out is to just see what happens. Never try to work out your brain out to spell out the perfect date, moment or appt. Always just see and see it like a suprise, life is a suprise as well. Enjoy it. I know we are really afraid of new situations and the best way to face it, is to add it as a better way of view for our terrified thoughts that life can be harmless and beautiful.

We don't think we can handle things:
I can't go to school, I'm terrified. I can't work, I'm so weird. I'm a loner, I can't meet friends, I can't go out, I'd never find a girlfriend/boyfriend cuz I'm shy.

Why? What is the point in this? I don't wanna see this point anymore!

You always have a chance. Everybody will. Some might experience bad luck to keep staying in your safety zone and will take pressure to never get out of your shelf, but others will even gain more will power to get the *** outta there and just show that you can be able to do whatever you wish for. (Don't be impulsive btw, just start with baby steps..... be careful, don't get a back set...)

More soon about the luck what happened.... very weird but funny

 

[MikeyC]

Great post, but it would take one hell of a U-turn in my thinking to embrace the positives you mentioned. It's a great sentiment, nonetheless.